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Count your blessings

(15 Posts)
shillyshally Fri 04-Aug-23 23:35:22

I have one daughter who has been estranged from me since she went to live with her father and his new wife when she was 16, we have had no contact since and that was 36 years ago. She has two daughters who I have never met. When she left there was a lot of acrimony and bitterness on both sides and I suffered a breakdown which lasted many years and almost ruined my life. I have a younger son who is the light of my life and an older daughter who had three children who are all grown up, and three grandchildren, she has been with her current partner for 25+ years but he is not father to her children. we once had a good relationship and myself and my husband who is not her dad have been good to her over the years, however she has become distant over the years , her children have never shown any affection or bothered about us , we never do anything together or get invited to family events, things have really gone downhill since my daughter became a Gran and I have seldom seen my great grandchildren even though they all live locally despite being generous with gifts etc for which we never got any thanks for. apparently it's not something they do now. Things came to a head after we had been totally ignored at Christmas and in January I blew my top so consequently we now are not speaking. Although I am sad at the way things are I am determined not to let it ruin my life once more. I would rather have no contact than be around people who don't value me , and make me feel bad, Life is too short , I value the friends and family I have, you can't make people love you, even family so cut them loose and the best revenge is to be happy.

Smileless2012 Sat 05-Aug-23 09:02:46

Hello shillyshally. Life can hammer us with cruel blows can't it but when we somehow get through the darkest of times, we can see that what doesn't break us, makes us stronger. Strong enough to as you say "cut them loose" and focus on those who we love and who love us in return.

You have your son and we have ours who despite living in Australia brings much needed and valued love and light into our lives flowers.

shillyshally Sat 05-Aug-23 15:08:52

Hi Smileless
Yes life can be cruel, but as I am in my 70s now I don't see the point in spending the time I have left in mourning for people who have discarded me like a piece of rubbish. I know we all think and deal with things differently but some people keep reaching out only to be ignored which only adds to the distress, the deserters made their choice, so let them get on with it, and who knows one day they may discover what it feels like to be abandoned as there are no guarantees that the same thing won't happen to them.

Smileless2012 Sat 05-Aug-23 16:05:34

I totally agree shillyshally. Why waste your life wishing for what you can't have? As you say, they made their choice and it may not have been what we wanted but life can still be good.

Carenza123 Sat 05-Aug-23 16:20:04

I am so sorry for your family estrangements but you owe it to yourself to make the most of your life. You have had a lifetime of estrangement and sorrow. As others have said, concentrate on the positives in your life. Life is too short.

Smileless2012 Sat 05-Aug-23 16:49:18

It is too short so we need to make the most of what we do have, I agree Carenza. It's the only one we get so there's no point in wasting it.

VioletSky Sat 05-Aug-23 19:35:33

I think focusing on your own healing and happiness is the best way forward too

Mamasperspective Sun 06-Aug-23 06:50:49

Sorry OP, so you have 2 separate daughters that now don't speak to you? Is that right?

shillyshally Sun 06-Aug-23 10:49:36

Hi, yes two daughters plus the collateral damage 4 granddaughters 1 grandson plus 2 grt grandsons and 1 grt granddaughter, so you could say I am something of a specialist in the estrangement dept, got the tee shirt as they say, am I sad ? of course I am , I am only human and would love to be part of a loving family, but I can't let estrangement define who I am. I have a lovely son who cares deeply for me and with whom both his Dad and I have a great relationship. He makes up for the negatives in my life. The thing is with my 2nd daughter , she and her children had not bothered with me much for so long I was used to it so cutting contact was almost a relief as at least I know where I stand and don't have to try to pretend everything is hunky dory. Also you have to ask yourself, do you actually need people who clearly have so little regard for your feelings, as I said previously try to concentrate on the people that truly matter, live your life to the full and be happy.

coco12 Sun 06-Aug-23 11:47:46

I can see how much you're hurting and I really get it. Nothing gets to more than troubles with your children. You probably will just need to move on and get on with your own life but in my experience it produces a deep sadness that is never far away. Ideally sort it if you can. ( I need to do the same and it's the hardest thing to face or know how to approach)

Smileless2012 Sun 06-Aug-23 14:13:52

You're right about a deep sadness that's never far away coco, and when you when realise that they're not prepared to try and repair the relationship, moving on with your own life is the only realistic option.

I hope you can find a resolution and things will improve flowers.

"do you actually need people who clearly have so little regard for your feelings" no shillyshally but it's so much harder isn't it when it's your own child(ren).

Knowing where you stand is I think the first step to beginning to heal. An estranged mum I knew several years ago called the dream that things will change and that one day they'll come back the 'hope devil'.

We are all so much more than our estrangements, and we only have to look into the eyes of those that do love us, to know it's true.

Shelflife Sun 06-Aug-23 17:20:18

Dhillyshally, such a sad story. I can only imagine the hurt you feel. I suppose in the end self preservation steps in , and you realize you must look after your own heath , physically and emotionally. You have a wonderful son and I am sure you cherish that relationship. Two GC you have never met - that must be very hard indeed for you. 💐

Primrose53 Sun 06-Aug-23 17:55:52

You are far from alone. My neighbour has 3 adult children, the girls are fine but her son has had no contact with her for years because he says she favours his sisters. She has never met his children. She has written to him explaining that she doesn’t favour them but he doesn’t reply.

I have an ex neighbour whose son disappeared off the face of the earth about 30 years ago, he is alive because the SA traced him but he told them he wants no contact.

Another friend died last year having had a very strained relationship with one son and his wife for years. Other son was great. They soon turned up when she died though as she was very well off!

It must be very hard but you still have a life to lead.

shillyshally Sun 06-Aug-23 21:07:58

Thank you all for kind messages of support, it somehow helps to know I am not alone, and of course I feel for everyone who has these problems. I think the worst part is you feel ashamed because people assume it is your fault and that you must be a horrible person, I will admit I wasn't the best parent in the world, but estrangement seems to happen to all sorts of families for different reasons.

Smileless2012 Sun 06-Aug-23 23:12:32

It really does help knowing that you are not alone shillyshally and as you say, estrangement happens in all sorts of families for different reasons.

I've yet to meet the best parent in the world so please don't feel ashamed. It's awful if some assume you're to blame and must be a horrible person but remember that they wont know. You have your lovely son, and he does.