Guilt for going no contact

I am so sorry to hear this VS. But my point above is that you would have never opened a thread on GN to discuss guilt, as you seem 100% sure that was the right thing to do.

My mother said that I would regret it when she was dead too

But it's just a guilt trip... not healthy

What would be healthy was listening to my pain and being accountable

She will probably outlive me anyway lol

I am concerned that Loveandpositivity has asked the question on GN. The fact she did ask, show hesitation, and the potential for real regrets.

I agree, so many times people have questioned my actions, generally people who don’t know me very well, I think my nearest and dearest understand.
But I don’t let it bother me, I’m just happy to be out of it.
My grandparents would have been disgusted with me, family is family, and all that.
My dad would have been sad, but I doubt he’d have been surprised.
Being related to someone, shouldn’t bind us to a life of reluctant duty.

I understand imaround but on an open forum you're going to get responses from others who have no experience of estranging a parent, as well as from EP's in addition to those from EAC.

Sometimes they are helpful and sometimes they're hurtful and yes, the hurtful ones leave their mark .

I apologize Madgran, if you thought my response was towards you. I was responding to another poster. You have been very supportive on this thread and even when you and I don't agree I find you to be someone I enjoy conversing with.

That is an interesting viewpoint Smileless. At one point you say there is unnecessary arguing going on and then say the thread has been respectful.

I agree that the thread HAS been respectful, so I am not sure where you got the unnecessary arguing view point from. I have not seen anyone arguing here. In fact, this is one of the best conversations that I have seen.

No one but (in my case) me gets to say that a comment is invalidating. I find that hearing that I will miss the people that literally gave me C-PTSD (including night terrors, central nervous system disfunction in the form of tremors and anxiety and treatment resistant depression, similar to a war veteran) very invalidating. It is not to much to expect that, when talking about my abuse, I can go without hearing from someone who has never been estranged on either side telling me what to do or how to deal with it.

I think you will agree with me that hearing those things over and over again, not matter if you had to estrange or have been estranged unfairly, can really leave a mark. I know this because you have said it countless times here. It IS hard and unless a person has experienced it, they really have no idea.

No VS it was an observation of what's happening on this thread and happens on others.

Yes that was a very argumentative comment Smileless

Well if anything's going to put Loveandpositivity off it will be the unnecessary arguing that's going on.

Suggesting that she thinks about how she may feel when her parents are no longer here isn't invalidating and something she may have already considered.

None of us know how we'll feel if something happens, until it does. All we can do for ourselves, and suggest that others do is to think carefully and not to rush into making a decision we may regret.

I am not saying that is what the OP has done and want to make that abundantly clear before I'm accused of doing so.

I think that understanding comments highlighting different things to consider can only be useful too, whatever the source exactly Madgran.

It doesn't matter whether advice given and/or opinions expressed are from EAC, EP's or from those with no experience of estrangement, as long as it's given respectfully which as far as I can see has been the case on this thread.

So, if we want her to feel she can come back a good place to start would be to stop pitting EAC and EP's against one another.
It is this above all else that results in unnecessary unpleasantness and cannot possibly be beneficial to anyone.

Madgran77

*Anyone telling me I am wrong is invalidating my experience*

Yes I understand your point and I certainly recognise aspects of what you describe in your experiences on GN. I don't think I have suggested how anyone should feel, but I know your posted was directed at anyone not directly at me per se. I'm not sure why my saying that there are some supportive posts on a thread is seen as invalidating; my intention was to highlight supportiveness available within the thread for the OP as I feel that might provide helpful aspects to think about in moving forward.

Would you mind showing me where the highlighted text is? I can't find it

VioletSky

There are not many EAC here sadly Madgran, a space with more people and targeted support can only be beneficial

Indeed. I think that understanding comments highlighting different things to consider can only be useful too, whatever the source. Even the suggestion on here of looking elsewhere is helpful for them to consider. Both spaces can possibly provide at least some of what OP needs, only they can decide in the end.

I am actually 48. I have seen a therapist and a counsellor who both agreed estrangement was the best option. I am off antidepressants for the first time in my life. My children are very relieved. I no longer have chronic IBS. Since estranging I went back and finally finished my education and got my dream job. I finally learnt to like myself. And I still haven't ruled out offering some (distant) help should it be needed by my mother one day

Listed like that is positive to see VS

Anyone telling me I am wrong is invalidating my experience

Yes I understand your point and I certainly recognise aspects of what you describe in your experiences on GN. I don't think I have suggested how anyone should feel, but I know your posted was directed at anyone not directly at me per se. I'm not sure why my saying that there are some supportive posts on a thread is seen as invalidating; my intention was to highlight supportiveness available within the thread for the OP as I feel that might provide helpful aspects to think about in moving forward.

There are not many EAC here sadly Madgran, a space with more people and targeted support can only be beneficial

imaround

Sorry, that quote was meant for GSM, not VS.

Don't worry, I realised straight away

VioletSky

For me, when someone comes to this space and says they feel it's not a supportive one... I have 2 options

1. I can invalidate that and say, "this place is fine, you have had lots of support"

2. I can say "I am sorry that has been your experience, I really want this to be a supportive space for everyone. I can't speak for anyone else but I will work hard to keep it that way."

Anyway, I really want this to be a supportive space for everyone, I can't speak for anyone else but I will work hard to keep it that way

I understand your point. I don't think that saying there are positive posts is invalidating. I didn't say "this place is fine, you have lots of support" and I don't believe I invalidated the comment by saying "there have been supportive posts ....." However I know that some will disagree with me on that. I can only say its not my intention but I do feel it is important for the supportive aspects of replies to be highlighted as I feel they may provide a comforting support for someone dealing with what the OP describes!

I do hope the OP can take help from the replies that they feel are relevant.

Sorry, that quote was meant for GSM, not VS.

*know not

For all, my post is based on my 5 years of experience in these boards. Anyone telling me I am wrong is invalidating my experience.

I am not the first EAC to mention this feeling here. So instead of telling me (and any EAC) what we will/should feel, how about we look at why so many EAC through the years have felt unsupported.

I have personally witnessed EAC being told that the support thread is not for them by 2 prolific posters on the thread itself.

Luckily, I no longer come here for support. Not sure I ever did to be honest, but I had hoped to have conversations with people who have experienced estrangement from both sides. I have learned that will never happen here.

VioletSky

In the case of abusive parents GSM

It's usually all already been said and it wasn't heard... No magic happens to stop people being abusive when they become grandparents or elderly

I have lost my dad, so you know now what you are talking about.

Thanks, but your opinion wont change mine. Please respect that.

Germanshepherdsmum

You can only wait and see how you feel VS. I hope you don’t experience regret. I am very fortunate to have had parents who I loved, and who died knowing that. Therefore I have no regrets, no words unspoken.

I have already grieved the relationship I should have had

If I feel regret I will find a supportive space to talk it through or I will go back into counselling

My mother caused the wound but it is my responsibility to heal it

Germanshepherdsmum

Anyone who hasn’t lost their parents to death or to dementia cannot imagine the pain of being unable to say things once it’s too late.

In cases of Estrangement feelings can be very very different.

Often so much has been said and never heard, the whole bereavement of Estrangement, acceptance that a relationship will not be what one thought it should be/wanted/ deserved will have been gone through or will be in process. Reactions in these circumstances for an Estrangement or an estranged are likely to be very different.

All circumstances are difficult and hard and sad though and I am not in anyway intending to diminish the sense of regret for those who have lost someone and not said what they wanted to say

For me, when someone comes to this space and says they feel it's not a supportive one... I have 2 options

1. I can invalidate that and say, "this place is fine, you have had lots of support"

2. I can say "I am sorry that has been your experience, I really want this to be a supportive space for everyone. I can't speak for anyone else but I will work hard to keep it that way."

Anyway, I really want this to be a supportive space for everyone, I can't speak for anyone else but I will work hard to keep it that way

You can only wait and see how you feel VS. I hope you don’t experience regret. I am very fortunate to have had parents who I loved, and who died knowing that. Therefore I have no regrets, no words unspoken.

VioletSky

And there are comments that are not supportive too

Sometimes when you are hurting, the comments that aren't supportive are the ones that stand out the most... it takes time to become strong enough to withstand that... especially when guilt is already a factor

EAC spaces are safe from that

Yes VS I understand that. However my comment was simply to point out that there are supportive comments, not all negative.

It also feels worth noting that there is support from Parents (some of whom have been / are estranged) for the OP, not just from EAC. On various similar threads by people (both EAC or EParents) sometimes posters have found support from the "opposite" group to themselves helpful.

Anyway I hope the OP finds the various viewpoints, suggestions etc helpful in their journey!

Germanshepherdsmum

Once they have gone, physically or mentally, there is no going back. I hope you never experience regret. It’s one thing to believe you won’t whilst people are still alive and well, something entirely different to experience it when there is no longer anything you can do about it. Have you experienced that VS? You are younger than most of us and may think you have forever. You can deal with it another time. Life isn’t like that. A lifetime of regret isn’t something to aspire to.

I am actually 48

I have seen a therapist and a counsellor who both agreed estrangement was the best option

I am off antidepressants for the first time in my life

I no longer have chronic IBS

My children were all very relieved

Since estranging I went back and finally finished my education and got my dream job

I finally learnt to like myself

And I still haven't ruled out offering some (distant) help should it be needed by my mother one day

You tell me GSM