Guilt for going no contact

GSM, that's not my experience - we're all different. I had nothing more to say to mine for decades.

OK, I kept in contact (just slightly), I did miss and grieve for my dad when he died. I felt that I'd lost him years before though.

I kept an eye on (my abusive) Mum's welfare (as I'd promised to) and cooperated with difficult siblings (stuck in their ways). I did the organising/admin - all the hands-off stuff possible - and resented it too. I even visited, I was kind - but all done out of duty.

Did I miss her when she died? Did I want to say anything? No, I felt a wonderful sense of freedom and relief that it was all over. I felt sad for siblings, I looked sad for them, too (acting a part, as ever). Inside, I felt pure joy.

Once they have gone, physically or mentally, there is no going back. I hope you never experience regret. It’s one thing to believe you won’t whilst people are still alive and well, something entirely different to experience it when there is no longer anything you can do about it. Have you experienced that VS? You are younger than most of us and may think you have forever. You can deal with it another time. Life isn’t like that. A lifetime of regret isn’t something to aspire to.

In the case of abusive parents GSM

It's usually all already been said and it wasn't heard... No magic happens to stop people being abusive when they become grandparents or elderly

Anyone who hasn’t lost their parents to death or to dementia cannot imagine the pain of being unable to say things once it’s too late.

Things which have been said can never be unsaid.
Feelings of shame and humiliation never completely leave you.
The constant look of disgust/disappointment can never be forgotten.
But you can come a long way if you choose to walk away from the person who made you feel odd, and unloved.
I will never feel any guilt, but that’s just me.
It’s a big decision.

And there are comments that are not supportive too

Sometimes when you are hurting, the comments that aren't supportive are the ones that stand out the most... it takes time to become strong enough to withstand that... especially when guilt is already a factor

EAC spaces are safe from that

imaround

To the OP:

To be frank, I am not sure why anyone would come on GN for support as an EAC. You would do better to find a place that welcomes EAC and will actually support your needs as an EAC. I urge you to, if you have not already, find a forum online designed for EAC where you will receive more support and less "you will miss them when you die" despite them being abusers. I will NOT miss the woman who abused me for 50+ years and caused me to be diagnosed with C-PTSD when she dies and no matter how I describe her abuse, someone always has to come along and say "you will miss them when they die" or "but they are your parents". Yet when an EP who rightly says they no longer want contact with their EAC are applauded. It is such a double standard on GN.

As for the guilt, I get it. I am working with my therapist today about my guilt. It is hard to let go of when you are conditioned to feel it from birth, as I was.

There has been support for this OP from the first answer onwards in a significant number of posts!

No problem Smileless.

There are quite a lot of support groups on Facebook or forums like Reddit

They take no prisoners, if you are in the wrong you will be told but every single one of them will advise you never to tolerate abuse and be full of knowledge on healing.

There is also a huge wealth of information online.

It's a sad fact of life that there are parents who abuse their children and when it comes to emotional abuse, walking away is the only way to stop it. Abusive parents rarely seek help for themselves.. it is a path they chose and they will spend the rest of their lives convincing themselves their behaviour was justified and you were in some way lacking. That it was all just a joke, you are too sensitive or it didn't even happen at all.

You are worth so much more

Counselling did absolute wonders for me and there are also courses for domestic abuse that teach you how to recognise and recover from abusive behaviour

Apologies icanhandthemback, that should have said imaround.

The OP has received support here on GN icanhandthemback.

Who would benefit from the contact? Doesn’t sound like the op . The situation is toxic which ever side u are on . U may find they really want to reconnect then the behaviour is still the same. It’s making the rest of the family face things that they are avoiding.

To the OP:

To be frank, I am not sure why anyone would come on GN for support as an EAC. You would do better to find a place that welcomes EAC and will actually support your needs as an EAC. I urge you to, if you have not already, find a forum online designed for EAC where you will receive more support and less "you will miss them when you die" despite them being abusers. I will NOT miss the woman who abused me for 50+ years and caused me to be diagnosed with C-PTSD when she dies and no matter how I describe her abuse, someone always has to come along and say "you will miss them when they die" or "but they are your parents". Yet when an EP who rightly says they no longer want contact with their EAC are applauded. It is such a double standard on GN.

As for the guilt, I get it. I am working with my therapist today about my guilt. It is hard to let go of when you are conditioned to feel it from birth, as I was.

Op

Let me ask you a question you do not have to answer here

When tbere is a significant event in your life), good or bad, how do you feel about not having your family of origin involved?

Relieved? Sad? Guilty?

Sometimes happiness and healing requires saying goodbye to people

Shelflife

I have no doubt you feel justified in being estranged from your parents and I don't doubt your reasons.
However.......... please consider how the death of your parents will impact your emotional health. After the event it will be too late to protect yourself. Please consider yourself and think about your future mental health. You owe yourself peace of mind after your parents have died and if that means ' repairing' the damage then you should do that. Who knows it may help you prior to their deaths but will most certainly help you after they die. Think about it !

"Repairing the damage", what nonsense. Would you be of the same opinion if the OP had been sexually abused by, say, her father.
If she wants to distance herself, good for her. All this 'be kind' rubbish people spout.
Be kind to yourself first and foremost.

My goodness, it's rife this situation. I am estranged from my family, both older and younger generations. Not my decision, I have been deliberately ostracized by my vindictive brother, who has told everyone made-up things about me, but nobody is man enough to tell me what. All have sided with him. I will just say that when Dad died last year I discovered brother had got Dad to write a homemade will and coincides with the start of his abuse campaign against me, presumably so I didn't find out about the will. The abuse was wider as he stopped Dad having any
contact with me, not letting him talk to me on the phone and taking Dad out when I had arranged, by letter, the 5 hour journey to see Dad, on several occasions.
The will was to give brother the lion's share and to include 6 other people, as well as to remove me as joint executor, leaving me unable to carry out my parents final wishes. He then tried to tell me in a letter that all other beneficiaries had agreed he could have the house, at which point the other 6 didn't know they were beneficiaries and definitely hadn't signed over their dubious right to inheritance. . Needless to say, solicitor involved at significant cost. Looking like brother will get just the same as rest of beneficiaries and as a consequence, will be unable to purchase a house with the small amount he will get, leaving him in rental for rest of his sad life. Karma.

GoldenAge

Love and positivity - you don’t disclose your reasons for your chosen estrangement but you do disclose that two siblings are trying to put an opposing viewpoint so there must be room for doubt. You need to discuss the matter in an honest way with a counsellor who won’t come with the prejudice you or your siblings bring. I have no idea what your parents have done to upset you but some counselling will help you to clarify your thoughts. It does look as though your decision puts your two siblings in an awkward position and that’s another decision you have to consider.

I don't think that two siblings giving an opposing viewpoint gives room for doubt at all. It is well known that some children are victims of abuse where other siblings aren't. Her siblings are adults and are capable of treading a diplomatic path if they choose to. If they've chosen not to, that is on them.

My sister and I see things totally differently about our relationship with my Mum. I try to rationalise things about my mother's damaged childhood which has moulded her and I can find a certain amount of empathy. My sister can't. One thing that doesn't change though is that my mother was abusive. The difference is that I was more able to handle it (possibly through the age difference) and because I am more of an acceptor of a situation, her inability to keep quiet so she fought meant she experienced worse than I did.

Loveandpositivity1, you obviously have your reasons for going NC and it is not something you have written in stone so all the guilt about what happens if your parents die may never happen. It is probably also said by people who have never had the sort of treatment which makes you decide to go NC.

If you ask anybody not to be hurtful and they say you are being too sensitive, then they are gaslighting you and are unlikely to change if you have asked several time. You wouldn't put up with that from other adults, you absolutely haven't got to put up with it because you got unlucky with your parents. I went NC with my sister for a number of years and only gave in because it made it difficult with my Mum who I was caring for. Has she changed? Not a bit of it and now I have the added thing to beat me with, the fact that I abandoned her. I am trying not to happen again but the fact is that when faced with her toxic behaviour, it just makes me unhappy so I question myself for weeks afterwards. The last time I felt so guilty when I went NC and I also wept buckets for the loss (she has a nice side too) but if the balance gets too weighted with toxicity, I won't hesitate to step quietly backwards and avoid contact. Life is just too short to have it persistently messed up by somebody who can't help their behaviour.

Bereavement does bring guilt anyway, even with lovely relationships - I think it's part of the grieving process.

I feel guilty about DH, although I have no reason to be, but your mind does funny things after a death. You mull over everything.

It's not easy to brush aside.

Love and positivity - you don’t disclose your reasons for your chosen estrangement but you do disclose that two siblings are trying to put an opposing viewpoint so there must be room for doubt. You need to discuss the matter in an honest way with a counsellor who won’t come with the prejudice you or your siblings bring. I have no idea what your parents have done to upset you but some counselling will help you to clarify your thoughts. It does look as though your decision puts your two siblings in an awkward position and that’s another decision you have to consider.

This sounds like self protection, look out for yourself. You will have considerable experience of them and their way. Just because someone is old doesn’t change them. I hear you, I’m decades down the line. You are holding a mirror to your family, it’s easier to do nothing. You are being brave in your approach, stay strong. You will grieve the family you should have had . These people don’t deserve you.

It's a case of making your decision, and then living with it exactly DL.

You can only do what feels right for you Loveandpositivity. There's nothing to be gained by making comparisons with other peoples experiences including those of your siblings, who for whatever reasons maybe wouldn't consider estranging.

If these waves of guilt persist, it might be worth having counselling to help you manage this. As Hithere posted "give it time" .

You were not driven to NC for no reason. Sounds like you were and are the scapegoat in the family. Been there. If I am right the guilt you feel is all part of being the scapegoat, which.means everything is your fault and you are always wrong. It's not and you aren't. Keep away from them.

Do you have to go completely non-contact or could you have some contact at arms length? No judgement here just asking. You obviously have some misgivings, I’m not calling it doubts, or you wouldn’t post on here. My brother and sil estranged themselves from me and I agonised for some long time until I decided I no longer had a brother. I suspect you are in that agonising period. Horrible isn’t it.

Feelings of guilt do no good at all, so try to get rid of them.

You have made a hard decision, knowing it was the right, or the only thing you could do.

Stick to it.

If you felt your decision not to have any further contact with your parents was wrong, then obviously you would try to sort out your differences with them.

You don't feel this, so ask your siblings to respect that you have made the decision you have for what you see as good and sufficient reasons.

I take it you are not trying to persuade them not to see your parents, so they should similarly accept and respect your decision in this matter.