Guilt for going no contact

It's everyone's individual choice as to whether to estrange. Obviously, it's better if discussion and compromise can avoid it, but it's not always possible.

But, when someone dies, guilt may well kick in. After bereavement anyway, there can be those feelings. But, they are obviously amplified if there has been estrangement.

It's a case of making your decision, and then living with it.💐

Do you or your siblings have children yourselves?
Your parents' behaviour is not something they should be witnessing as an example of how families treat each other.

Your siblings accepting this behaviour are enabling it to continue.
How do you think your parents would react if you all refused to have anything to do with them because of the way they behave?

Sometimes we have to make a stand and do the right thing for us.
Other people can either modify their behaviour or carry on without us.

Hi yes I can has i was in same situation and some things you just can’t forgive and sometimes you just have to walk away for yourself. It’s been 20yrs for me I wasn’t in the wrong but I’ve been treated like I was. I did try to go back and see if things could change but when I reached one of my brothers told me I was dead to family so I’ve never tried again but I’m passed that now and I don’t give them a second thought. I live my life with my sons there wife’s grandkids etc who also have no contact with ex family

Your feelings of guilt are normal and a sign that you are healing from the verbal/emotional abuse you experienced over many years. I am in my 60’s and have just gone no contact with my mother. (Yes, it took me that long to realise she would never change). For me it is the psychologically healthy option. It does get easier with time. I’d like me you have reached the point where you know they will not treat you with kindness or respect, no matter what you do or say, and you are unwilling to put up with it indefinitely, you are absolutely doing the right thing. You can’t sustain a good relationship if it’s all one-sided and they won’t or can’t make any effort. Be kind to yourself and feel proud that you are prioritising your own well-being 💐💐

Speaking as a parent who has been estranged, I can only say what it's like for me. It's pain like I've never known, it gets worse every day. I have lots of lovely friends, other family I'm close to, my husband and his family, a job, but the overwhelming feelings of loss and loneliness will stay with me until I die. My children were my world and all I ever wanted. Did I make mistakes? Yes. Do I have regrets? Yes. Do I deserve this treatment? Absolutely not. My son recently had a baby. I have no idea how much she weighed or what she looks like and it's torturing me. I cry when I see babies when am at work or out and about. Yes I've had therapy and am on medication. I have addressed my faults and the reasons for them. But they won't take away the overwhelming pain and sadness I constantly feel. So please, if you can find a way forward with your parents, please do. I don't know your circumstances but please, talk, thrash it out together if needs be x

I can relate this this. Had no contact for few years. Then it was my mums 90th, some friends persuaded me that I would regret if i didn't visit,so I did go, dudnt have a very good time, she made me feel rubbish. Not been since, won't visit again. Yes do feel guilty but big relief that I don't have to listen to the crap she throws at me.

After several years of therapy one of my patients went 'No contact' with her neglectful, abusive mother. Occasionally she has flashes of guilt, but overall it's one of the best things she's ever done. A real statement of self-value and freedom from the past. Each case is individual, listen to your needs and I would say just because someone is old does not make them 'ok'

I became estranged from my parents 3 years ago . There were lots of factors involved, not least them not accepting my husband (we have been married 23 years and together 30)... one day everything came to a head and they both said some very hurtful things. My mother has sent the odd message and out of politeness I have replied but don't think we will ever get back to where we were. My 2 sons were given the option of keeping in touch with them but chose not to as they could see how upset I have been. They were 14 and 23 so well able to make their own decisions. Don't feel guilty, it is your life and if it is better without them in it, then that's fine. I don't know, nor does anyone else really know, how I will feel when they pass away. They are both in their 80s now so not sure how much longer they will be around but until they apologise, I'm afraid I'm not budging.

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You do not have to have a relationship with someone to forgive them

No one would advise the OP to stay in an abusive relationship with a partner... family relationships are not exempt

would your family consider having family therapy? That way you could say how you feel in a safe environment and ensure that you were being heard by everyone. Then you can find closure if you choose not to move forward with them.. Guilt is an emotion you can do without, regret is one you can change

Shelflife

I have no doubt you feel justified in being estranged from your parents and I don't doubt your reasons.
However.......... please consider how the death of your parents will impact your emotional health. After the event it will be too late to protect yourself. Please consider yourself and think about your future mental health. You owe yourself peace of mind after your parents have died and if that means ' repairing' the damage then you should do that. Who knows it may help you prior to their deaths but will most certainly help you after they die. Think about it !

Excellent post - I was going to reply the same.

I have one friend who estranged her father, refused to go to his death bed when he asked for her, and says she has no regrets.

I know many otherx who would do anything to be able to go back and try to mend things, and so regret it as it is too late.

I would listen to your feelings of guilt.
Estrangement is a hurtful thing, and when your parents are beyond your reach the guilt will remain.
You do not have to agree with them, nor they you, but to cut them off completely is cruel and I think you are unhappy about it.
Listen to yourself. Guilt lasts a long time.

This is not your guilt to carry, it is the guilt they should be feeling violetsky nothing in life is that simple there’s is normally faults on both sides
I had a very very good relationship with my parents however after they died within 6 months of each other, I have constantly tortured myself with ‘ why didn’t I do that’ ‘ why did I say that’ ‘how could I have missed that’ it will be 100 fold for you

We ve no idea what went on in your life but all I ll say is be very careful when you say ‘never’
Forgiveness if possible (even at a small level) is healing for all

It sound a very toxic family, you matter and want to break that cycle However horrible they are to each other and you, I think you are feeling guilt because as part of a family we are supposed to get along whatever . Would you want a child of yours treated as you were? Of course not. It must take a lot if courage. A parents have a responsibility to their children, to look after them physically and mentally. Try to get strong and believe in yourself.

I have no doubt you feel justified in being estranged from your parents and I don't doubt your reasons.
However.......... please consider how the death of your parents will impact your emotional health. After the event it will be too late to protect yourself. Please consider yourself and think about your future mental health. You owe yourself peace of mind after your parents have died and if that means ' repairing' the damage then you should do that. Who knows it may help you prior to their deaths but will most certainly help you after they die. Think about it !

Thank you for replies, it is very appreciated. It is good to hear different perspectives too. I believe I feel guilt because of the narrative "they are your parents, you can't turn your back on your parents" etc etc. This is a STRONG narrative in my culture particularly , although I know it is a strong belief in general too, cross culturally. I KNOW that if they were anyone else i.e. not my parents, I would feel NO GUILT. Their abusive behaviour has been witnessed throughout their marriage towards each other infront of all 3 of their children growing up. As much older ppl now, they continue to be abusive towards each other , less physical now due to how old they are, just as emotional and verbal. Their chronic manipulations/gaslighting/belittling/invalidating and criticisms continue towards all family members including their children. It's so incredibly hurtful to me. I KNOW this behaviour shows up in time , even if there is a small space of clam in between. It is their habit and it is their learnt behaviour. Once again, I really do appreciate peoples comments. I will ponder on them. Best wishes to you all

All I can say is you need to be certain, you have to be 100% sure you are comfortable with your decision.
My husband asked me how I would feel if my mother died, could I live with that? Would I wish I could go back and change things?
The answer was yes, I was certain, and no, I would never want to turn the clock back that was twenty years ago, she is still alive, and I’m still of the same opinion.
I don’t know your circumstances, so I don’t know if it’s been a long time brewing, and if so, what was the final straw, but if you feel a lot of guilt, I’m not sure it’s the right decision, and that’s for your sake, not theirs.

No one can advise, only you know about the way they made you feel. With time you will get used to it. They have your sisters and their families who don’t feel the same , so they will cope.

No, never alone

Give it time.

You are not alone

That's not great advice with a person who describes abuse

The abuse cycle always comes with love bombing and episodes of trying to stop an abuse victim pulling away

For people who have been stuck in the cycle of abuse, it is important to remember that the real person is the one hurting you on purpose, not the one who is trying to stop you leaving

Doodle

Only you know the reason for going no contact. Only you know if what they’ve done is unforgivable but I would ask, thinking back over the years have they been there for you, shown you kindness and love, done things for you?
Are you angry with them? If so I suggest you try and put the anger aside as that clouds judgement. In a rational mind do you have good reason for what you’re doing?
Im blessed by my family and I know I would be devastated beyond belief if I were to lose any of them. I have loved them all. Is what they’ve done really so bad? Is there no way back?
Only you know if you can forgive them .

This.

Absolutely sums it up.

This is not your guilt to carry, it is the guilt they should be feeling.

What keeps many abuse victims in relationships with abusers for a long time is love. It is feeling that if we can just be better, we can fix them, it is knowing what a loving relationship with a parent should be and desperately wanting that because it is not a relationship you can replace.

That idea of a good parent sticks around and when we finally walk away, what we feel guilt for is that idea, the good parent we needed and all the things we would have done for them out of love

Let yourself grieve the relationship you needed but remember the relationship you actually had.