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At a loss!

(16 Posts)
Sadchet Mon 02-Oct-23 23:25:24

Iam losing my mind! Just need some advice about my situation.

Me and my husband went No Contact around 10 years ago with his mom, sister’s and brother. His brother was not part of us going no contact. Our daughters were 21 and 23 and supported us, they understood why. They were on our side, and see what they put us through.

Until 2014 when my eldest daughter’s got married, she wanted her grandmother and uncle to be at her wedding. We were fine with it, but no special treatment with grandmother she is just a guest. In the last 6 years, my eldest daughter chose for her daughters to get to know her cousins, she is an adult it is up to her on who she invites into her children lives. She was respectful about not invited them to any family events.

A year ago our youngest daughter invited her auntie’s and her grandmother to her wedding. My husband found out 2 weeks before they were invited, he hasn’t seen his sister’s in 10 years. So he refused to go! I understand why he didn’t go, there is so much angry and hate towards them, he was afraid he would say something and altercation would occur. My husband is so hurt, bey our daughter pick them over him, she was the one who chose his side, and was no contact with for 6 years.

So now, it has been a year, my daughters are refusing to talk to their dad, and we have 6 grandchildren, 2 of them he hasnt even met. The grandchildren are not allowed at our place, he isn’t invited to family events, but my in-laws are. My daughters are inviting them back into their lives. Repeatedly told them not to invite them to any family events, they won’t listen. I will show up, my anxiety is so high, I really hate my in-laws. They haven’t tried to contact us, say they are sorry!

My mother in law is a narcissist and pretty sure she is using my daughters as her narcissist supply.

My daughters blame us so them not being apart of their lives. They will only talk to their dad after he goes to therapy.

I am confused, do know what do!

lemsip Tue 03-Oct-23 00:29:16

oh dear, with your husband standing firm you are torn.
I think your daughters are right to break the no contact thing. it's best for grandchildren , cousins etc to mix.
I would not be able to stand not seeing my grandchildren.

Summerlove Tue 03-Oct-23 00:58:56

I’m sorry you are hurting. However, you cannot control who your adult children see or invite to their events. Just as they cannot force you to attend if in-laws are there.

It sounds as though lines have been drawn in the sand. You can only change where your line is.

Allsorts Tue 03-Oct-23 08:17:51

Just my opinion as someone estranged from her beloved daughter. If you don't dis like who she dislikes you are cut out, so she wouldn't let me see my darling granddaughter. It is so wrong to involve children in grown up battles unless there is abuse. She hates me but my gd loved me. She smuggled out a letter to me just once saying that. But regardless, your children are grown up and can make up their own minds, you can't control what they do any more. If you want this feud to continue its your right, but don't expect others to agree. I would accept theur choices and dont risk losing your precious gc.

dogsmother Tue 03-Oct-23 08:49:12

Don’t lose the rest of your family!
You know where the problem lies so not allow yourselves to be manipulated. You can remain above it after all these years by now saying no more. Don’t get into rows and trust your daughters to come around. They know their dad.

Yoginimeisje Tue 03-Oct-23 10:04:03

Sadchet sorry to hear about your Dilemma.

I have a similar one. When my DM passed 13yrs ago, I fell out with my B&S over the funeral cars. My brother was insistent on one limo, I said we needed 2. He was the executor so I agreed to one which would be us 3 siblings & my 3 C. I asked him several times are you sure and he said yes.

Clearly, when my B told his wife about the arrangements the s**t hit the fan. He phoned me and said his and my sister's spouses would be in the limo & my C could make their own way there.

Myself & my C were very close to my m&d, living nearby we saw them twice per week or more and then when my mum went into a care home with dementia, I visited her every day, saw my dad there and would bring M back to mine at the w/e, my dad would come for Sunday dinner.

My daughters would go and sit with my mum during the week for a few hours. Whereas my sister-in-law visited mum once per year at Xmas for 30mins and my B every 3 months or so for a few hours at dads. So, to be told my C wouldn't be in the limo, I saw red, and a big argument erupted!

13yrs later we haven't seen or spoken. After a few years when my B had a stroke, I sent him a 'get well card' and from there we exchanged cards at Xmas & birthdays, but no more.

My nephew is having a housewarming party on Sat. everyone in the family are invited, my S&D & GC, my sister but not me. Over the years my nephew is the only one from my brother's side that I have seen, we get on well, with no problems and no mention of the argument.

So, you would have thought after 13yrs, we could have drawn a line under it all and moved on, it would have been a perfect opportunity to do that.

It's pulled me back to the awfulness of my mum's funeral; I didn't sleep for 2 nights and think of it all, last thing at night and first thing in the morning. I've bought him a card which I will give to my S or d to pass on.

I did in the end order another Limo, but all too late then. They all made a big deal of getting into the second car with me & the C in the first. I was actually standing with my hand on my mum's coffin, when they all rushed out to their planned car.

Hithere Tue 03-Oct-23 11:20:38


You and your husband chose NC with them, not your daughters

They choose to have a relationship with them and invite them to their events, which is their right.

The devil of estrangement is making people around you pick and stay with a side - your husband paid that price

Smileless2012 Tue 03-Oct-23 11:50:33

Your D's have changed their minds about being estranged from family members. It's very unfortunate that your H refused to go to his own D's wedding because his mother and other relatives were invited, when this had been the case with your other D and he went then.

Why was he prepared to go to one of your D's wedding's and not the other D's?

AsHithere has posted The devil of estrangement is making people around you pick and stay with a side -your husband paid that price.

lemsip Tue 03-Oct-23 12:39:55

Yoginimeisje how dreadful to have such a fuss on a funeral occasion!

Dogmum2 Tue 03-Oct-23 13:07:57

So sad to read this. As the initial estrangement happened years ago and time has moved on, marriages, births etc it is often the case that AC look for reconciliation, as their children were not involved in the initial estrangement - unless of course there is a safeguarding issue in which case that must be made known to them.

Whilst in our heart of hearts we may not believe that toxic relatives can change, sometimes we have to take a step back and hope for the best and be quietly prepared for the day if/when our AC see these people for who they actually are.

Truthfully wild horses would not keep me away from any special event, especially our DD's wedding, regardless of what has happened in the past. We do have a family estrangement and we do go to events where a person also attends and it takes every ounce of self control not to react. We smile and walk away.

Maybe, and i say this with respect, your DD is right and that if your DH's anger towards these people remains so visceral, so much so that it is alienating you, your children and grandchildren then maybe he should have some counselling, to manage the anger as it seems the only people his anger is hurting are those he loves the most.

Your AC should also accept they cannot force you to reconcile as much as you cannot force them to have no contact.

Take care.

VioletSky Tue 03-Oct-23 16:40:14

I am afraid you need to step back. Your children are adults and make their own choices now.

Trying to dictate who can and can't come to family events may even be coming across as controlling to them.

As much as we want to protect our children from any possible harm, they must make their own choices in life and we have to let them.

I don't know how difficult I would find it invited to a family event my abusive mother were invited too but you can be sure I would not miss important milestones like that..

This is a hard situation you find yourselves in but the best way to rise above it is to be the better people and stay away from speaking badly of the other relatives to your children.

JaneJudge Tue 03-Oct-23 16:56:10

I agree with Hithere and Violetsky. He should have gone to the wedding of his daughter. I understand how difficult that would be for him (believe me I honestly do) but as her Father he should have gone.

Would it be so bad if he sought out therapy? It might be quite helpful in managing these sorts of situations and maybe there would be room for him to talk this out with your daughters too, with someone neutral present?

BlueBelle Tue 03-Oct-23 17:08:06

Of course he should have gone to the wedding, why can’t he stay away from whoever is upsetting him, it’s not hard in a large gathering to keep a distance or to keep quiet, no one was forcing him into conversation or contact with people he doesn’t get on with Silence is golden
You and your husband can only control your behaviour not decide who your children and partners can see or be with

So much vitriol carried around on shoulders

jeanie99 Sat 07-Oct-23 14:24:06

Only you know the extent of the problems in your family we are just lookers on.
From what you have said I would keep in touch with all the family you are happy to contact.
If not,
as life and the years run on you will look back and regret this.
Your children and grand children especially are precious and their life will be of interest to you as they grow older and grow into adults.
Even if it is the occasional letter/email and always Christmas and Birthday cards they will remember you with kindness and fond memories.
Your grown children have made their own decision who they would like to keep in their lives and that is ok and your husband should accept this.
Whether he does or not is his decision to make and not something you should argue over.
We all at some point in our lives travel along roads we never expect to go down but that is life.
Try not to become depressed as there is little you can alter but add something different to your life to keep you happy.
Best of luck

imaround Mon 09-Oct-23 17:55:02

Your husband chose his feud with family over his daughter on one of the most important days in her life. Because she dared to invite family that she has chosen to have contact with. That is not the fault of your daughter.

I do hope he is able to speak to a counselor or therapist to work through this while there is still time to repair the relationship with his daughter, if that is what he wants.

Grams2five Mon 09-Oct-23 19:32:52

We were estranged from my in-laws before they passed and I can’t imagine if my children had wanted them
Around how uncomfortable it would have been. I’m grateful they never did. As they were quite awful negative people. But I think I’m your case I’d swallow it for my children. Go to the events with your head held high and great then as though they were some
Rather unpleasant neighbors your kids get on with and therefore invited. Don’t get drawn into it - they’re nothing to you so be courteous as you wound an unpleasant stranger and enjoy your kids and grandchildren