Familiarity breeds contempt

VioletSky

That's such a wonderful outcome

Sometimes children forget that when they are grown we are no longer the ones to support all their needs and calm their tantrums ... So need a reminder

But the truth is, that sometimes we see the worst of them because we made them feel safe enough not to hide their emotions and those emotions were only in the moment

So true. She did say she felt at the time of the row she had regressed back to being 16 when life was hard for all of us and and she would call me names to make me cry as teenagers often do back then and I said I felt taken back there also. Oddly enough I said as much in my text to my SIL. She said she still saw me as that angry person back then. I was a struggling single parent trying to make ends meet and fighting not to lose my home with debt and everything else.

Unfortunately I reacted in the same way by removing myself as I did many years back for the same behaviour coming from both my kids. Funny how we think we've moved on and in fact we havent.

Good that your meeting went well with your daughter and you both listened to each other.
You have asserted yourself and now you the childcare is on your terms, which is as it should be.
Thank you for letting us know the outcome.

Fethiye53

Met with the daughter. Had a good long 2 hour adult chat.

I was able to see things from her perspective and she could see things from mine.

We have come to an agreement on many issues and that I especially want my remaining years to be contentment and happiness and she agreed.

She doesnt want me to stop seeing the grandkids and neither do I even if I stopped the school run or other help. She tells me they love me very much and she would not stop me seeing them.

The dog is not the issue here. The dog is fine and enjoying life in its new place for all those concerned about the dog. Seems to have settled down and made itself at home.

I will continue to support for now with my grandchildren when I can. This is not being a doormat because its with my agreement and on my terms.

Thank you for all your support and help it was appreciated.

Good. Glad it all went well. Sometimes family members need to be reminded about boundaries.👍

That's such a wonderful outcome

Sometimes children forget that when they are grown we are no longer the ones to support all their needs and calm their tantrums ... So need a reminder

But the truth is, that sometimes we see the worst of them because we made them feel safe enough not to hide their emotions and those emotions were only in the moment

That's great!

So happy for update

That sounds great Fethiye.

That all sounds very positive Fethiye, you must be relieved.

I'm glad it has gone well

Met with the daughter. Had a good long 2 hour adult chat.

I was able to see things from her perspective and she could see things from mine.

We have come to an agreement on many issues and that I especially want my remaining years to be contentment and happiness and she agreed.

She doesnt want me to stop seeing the grandkids and neither do I even if I stopped the school run or other help. She tells me they love me very much and she would not stop me seeing them.

The dog is not the issue here. The dog is fine and enjoying life in its new place for all those concerned about the dog. Seems to have settled down and made itself at home.

I will continue to support for now with my grandchildren when I can. This is not being a doormat because its with my agreement and on my terms.

Thank you for all your support and help it was appreciated.

Some very good advice here.

I suggest that you listen very carefully to what your DD says about the situation, ask her leading questions to draw out how she sees things in the future. Let her lay out her wares & what the offer is.

Just listen very carefully, make mental notes of what her expectations are of you & of her DH & ILs.

Then pause, smile sweetly, tell her you love her dearly & that you need some space to take all this in & reflect. You’ll come back to her soon to let her know what works best for you.

Promise nothing, offer up minimum.

Take your time, be gentle & kind, do not rush to please others.
These matters will be resolved in due course.

The dog is not your concern.

Please come back and let us know how the meeting went

I would have been angry about the dog too and I have always had dogs. It doesn;t seem like a sensible thing to do if they are not even coping with having children.

MerylStreeps advice is very good. I hope the meeting has gone well

Not a happy household. Sil and daughter sound to me as if they shouldn’t be taking on a dog. Dogs need to be around calm households esp puppies. I think you are a saint you have done so much for the ungrateful pair. To hear that your daughter verbally lashes out to you would be enough for me. There’s no way I’d be putting myself in your position, they would have to get on with it themselves. You did right regarding the dog. Also you say your dd came down and roared at you saying you are not supposed to shout at the dog! But it’s obviously ok in her book to shout at her mother who is doing everything in her power to help out. I would be walking away they are taking advantage of you big time Feth if you wish to continue I’d be putting boundaries in place

I've been thinking about the dog in this situation too HPQ.
If the dog is untrained and not cared for appropriately, it will suffer in the long term.

It looks from your post @ 7.34 that you are going to this meeting well prepared Fethiye and have your boundaries firmly fixed in your mind.

I hope it goes well and your D has learned something from the unpleasantness she caused.

You can't be a doormat . You must do just the amount of free childcare that suits you . I am a dog lover myself but you must make it clear you are not offering any free pet care . And yes you do have to be firm with dogs so they know who the pack leader is . But you must make it clear you will help DGDs on your terms when it fits in with your life and that you are not offering any pet care at all. Let them absorb that information . And stew on that for at least a week . Then start up again . On your terms .

Am I the only one concerned about the dog? A chaotic household, both parents working full time, two school age children? Stupid idea for them, and a potential disaster for what looks as if will be an untrained dog. You were right to be unenthusiastic. The dog deserves better. So do you.

If you are both willing to find a compromise and boundaries that work for both this will be ok

But no matter how much life experience you have had... Never think that gives you any kind of advantage or authority over another adult, child or not. They are at liberty to live their own lives as they choose

welbeck

they've probably realised the cost and inconvenience of having to find paid childcare, so are willing to placate you to a degree to keep your services on tap.
beware.
do you really want to go on living like this.

Ill be agreeing some ground rules and boundaries today if anything arises like this again. So there will be changes. Also my daughter needs to learn to stop lashing out in her peri menopause. The problem with some young women is they dont listen to wisdom from their mothers and think they know it all and that we have outdated thinking. We old women have been there done that and saw the consequences of past actions. Some of us have learned a thing or two from those experiences.

I do not mind helping out as I work in the area anyway but wont be abused as payment for it and will walk again if I have too.

If you live a busy life a dog adds to the stress because it needs attention, training, walks, feeding, housing, vet, kennels on holiday. I can never understand those who have a baby and simply have to have a dog as well - just to make life easier!
If you have the time and are willing to look after it properly fine, but so many don’t

eazybee

If a young dog, untrained, is grabbing a young child's dress 'trying to bring her down' and its owner ignores it, of course Fethiye should intervene.
If she is to be left in charge of the children and the dog is there, is she to be expected to ignore its bad behaviour and the risk to young children?

This. I've had dogs and they need training from an early age.

OP- hope the meeting goes well, but stand your ground. You are the one providing free child care - something they would miss.

Don't let them walk on you.💐

they've probably realised the cost and inconvenience of having to find paid childcare, so are willing to placate you to a degree to keep your services on tap.
beware.
do you really want to go on living like this.

VioletSky

Oh dear

You don't need an opinion on the dog, not your dog or your problem.

If the dog makes them happy, be happy for them... Dogs can enrich stressful lives, get everyone out walking and healthy

I'm also really surprised you would contact SIL instead of your daughter... It is your daughter you need to mend things with, going to SIL probably looked like you were hoping he would side with you

All in all, you are very involved in their lives to the point you are judging their choices and they are sensing this even though you said nothing...

You need to have a focus on your own life first I think and concentrate on healing past wounds so they don't affect the present

Hope things improve when the dust settles

No that was not the intention at all they had to be informed I was withdrawing my services and there would have been no point sending that to my daughter causing further abuse. We all did our turn with the girls. The dog was never the issue here anyway.

Exactly eazybee. It wont be a puppy for long and even a small dog can harm children.

If a young dog, untrained, is grabbing a young child's dress 'trying to bring her down' and its owner ignores it, of course Fethiye should intervene.
If she is to be left in charge of the children and the dog is there, is she to be expected to ignore its bad behaviour and the risk to young children?