Son chose my DIL over me

As some other posters have inferred your behaviour amounts to stalking which is a serious crime. If you are in the USA then it is also a crime in your country. Paying a tracing service, continuing to contact someone daily when they have made their feelings clear is stalking behaviour and harassment. Unfortunately modern technology makes it all too easy to attempt to enforce such coercive control over someone.

As for cutting off other family members who were passing you little snippits of information your son must have felt that you have engineered a conspiracy against him and his partner.

I have been stalked myself so I do know the feeling when someone ignores your boundaries and attempts to exert power over you.

There are some quite cruel posts on here. It seems to me that this is not a story and Amber is clearly very distressed. She has made some mistakes with her son but are all the posters on here perfect parents to their adult children? I have some knowledge of coercive control because one of my adult children was sadly controlled in this way in her marriage. Now the marriage has broken down. There were warning lights right from the beginning, but we did exactly what Gransnetters advise. We said nothing. We did nothing. It didn’t stop the controlling person from causing many difficulties for us several times over because that’s what controlling people do. They ensure the family is rejected because they need complete control of their partner. It’s a difficult situation and whilst Amber may have made some some mistakes in handling this, she doesn’t deserve unkind comments, she needs support to get through this difficult time.

You sound unhinged. Please get some professional counselling to help you gain some insight to your own behaviours. Even if what you write is true, your responses to the situation are not helping anyone including yourself. Something needs to change and the only option open to you is to change your own understanding and how you deal with the situation you are in.

I spotted some giant red flags the minute I started reading your post.

Firstly the fact you said in your title that he 'chose DIL over you' ... that's good, he's a grown adult, he's supposed to put his partner over his mother because they have chosen to be together and potentially build their own family together. That makes you 'extended family' and you should give him space to build his own nuclear family.

Secondly, so what if her parents are divorced and she doesn't speak to her father? Just because someone is blood, it never excuses toxic behaviour and it's not a free pass to act poorly. This tells me that this woman is capable of setting boundaries and is someone of high value. Exactly the type of woman who would teach her own children that they are worthy of being treated well and not to tolerate disrespect.

Thirdly he went to her anyway 'despite your best efforts' ... why would you try to stop him from being happy? He is a grown adult and it was his decision, he doesn't need mummy getting involved.

Lastly you mention messaging him every day yet he CLEARLY doesn't want you to (but I guess what you want is taking priority over what he wants so you are doing it anyway). How about just leaving him alone, he would certainly respect you more.

I would advise that you seek some counselling or therapy because the most worrying part is the fact you see nothing wrong with your actions and the blame is all being put on DIL. It's only your actions that have caused your son to back off and not want contact with you so you need to face that and accept accountability.

I am afraid you couldn't have made more mistakes here if you tried

I would strongly advise you seek therapy if you want to save this relationship

What saddens me the most is that other members of your family have lost your son too and you can't see how you have caused that

Grammaretto I am at one with your aunt. I am constantly amazed that someone as nice as my DDiL, should be ready to take on my chaotic son. She has put up with him for over 20 years and given me two wonderful grandchildren.

I cannot help but agree with others. You have chased him away Amber
My aunt used to say when people were impressed with how well she got on with her 3 DiL "I'm so grateful to them for loving my sons".

So sorry that you are going through this Amber. As someone who suffers with much estrangement within my 'family,' I can only offer my sympathies. Some people.on here have not been helpful with their replies and are quick to judge. Don't let them upset you. I wonder if you are familiar with the website www.rejectedparents.net
You will receive the support that you need on there. I wish you well going forward.

Parents bring their Children up nurture them and then give them wings to fly. That's all anyone can do they cannot control who their Children will meet and settle down with. Hard as it might be they makes their own choices in life which may not necessarily be agreeable to their Parents. Have patience and hope that a reconciliation will happen.

To be honest you say your son chose dil over you! But surely when you leave home and find your partner she will come first, if I was contacting any of my boys every day finding fault of my dil my boys would cut me off! You don’t approve of her parents being divorced well that’s half the couples out there, you don’t like her for goodness sake she’s studying to be a lawyer whatever is wrong with that, clever lady! If you are finding fault all the time what on earth do you expect jeez! I actually feel sorry for your son and dil she obviously doesn’t stand a chance. He has been with his partner for seven years that says something! He’s made his choice. You have a very bad attitude you are still blaming her. As an outsider reading your post I think you need professional help you need to understand people get divorced it’s none of your business and stop finding fault with everyone

This all sounds horribly unhealthy

Well that seems a pretty reasonable choice to me.

Amber says in her OP Chardy her son told her she doesn't speak to her father because he cheated on her mother, so it appears to be her choice, not her father's.

Gosh
But I had a bad feeling about her, especially when he mentioned her parents were divorced and she didn't talk to her father at all.
Sadly quite a few fathers have ceased contact with their young adult children - is that her fault?

Yes, glad she’s not my son’s mother in law - he hasn’t spoken to his father for a couple of decades (his decision). What a silly thing on which to base an opinion of someone you’ve never met.

Germanshepherdsmum

I cannot believe that anyone would have ‘a bad feeling’ about a girl because her parents are divorced and she doesn’t talk to her father. Or that any mother would describe her daughter in law as an ‘outsider’. I’m not in the least surprised that your attitudes have driven your son away.

Those words say it all for me.
The poor son was always going to have a problem finding a mate whose parents are still together, the divorce rate being what it is 🤷‍♀️
Sounds like he had a lucky escape.
The OP would have a problem with my daughter. Divorced parents and not speaking to her father.

smileless very caring post.

Monica I completely agree with you about the best plan being to do nothing, this worked for us in the case of one DD, years ago now and things quickly came to a head and she came home to us no questions asked.
Amber, stop posting and stop everything, a full stop, it may just be that eventually your DS will wonder what has happened.
You must realise that meeting on line is quite normal now as is having divorced parents.

This actually sounds like the Prince Harry/Meghan situation, except of course that it's not written by his mother ... that part where concern is expressed because her parents are divorced and she's estranged from her father ... just saying.

Having said that, if this is all true, then you have my sympathy, but not my understanding. The best thing you can do, for your own sake, is to try to accept the situation the way it is. Tough I know, but you are getting nowhere like this, are you? Your son knows how to contact you if he wants to - just leave it at that. I'd also stop the daily texting "as a diary" whatever that means.

I can only assume this isn’t a genuine post. Not to know why things are so bad I find unbelievable, for goodness sake he’s grown up.

Witzend exactly.
This scenario happens more than people think, look at Prince Harry and what happened there!
To Amber I would say there’s nothing more you can do at the moment but give him time and space.

I’m so sorry, OP - it must be very hard,

Sadly I know of a case where a son who was formerly very close to his own family, has cut them off completely since becoming involved with the now DiL.

His parents are lovely - we know them very well and I’m absolutely certain that they would never have done anything untoward. On the contrary, they gave substantial help for a house purchase - a no-strings gift, I might add,

In return the DiL has subjected her now MiL to truly foul-mouthed abuse over the phone, and downright refused even to let them see a photo of their one little grandchild.

I’m afraid to say that there would seem that the odd DiL from hell does exist - the ILs won’t necessarily have done anything wrong. And the son is then completely under her thumb and complies with whatever she demands. Maybe he’s actually afraid not to.

Your immediate reaction when he met his girlfriend on line was one of hostility. You never even met her - dismissing her as 'some girl' - which was your first big mistake. Sounds like ultra-possessiveness and must have been a red light for your son who then put the barriers up (sorry - mixed metaphors). Surely it was your suspicious behaviour rather than the girl's opinions that opened his eyes.

We cannot control our children....we can only advise them. It could be that your son has realised that you were right about the girl or, on the other hand, he might have woken up to how controlling you are.
Leave things as they are and perhaps you might be reconciled.

I can recognize your distress. You feel this ' outsider ' has infiltrated your son and your family and taken him away. He was very young I understand that, however when adult children fall in love they will of course follow their hearts! and nothing ( including parents) will stop them . If your relationship ever heals please remember this , AC are no longer our babies they move on , choose their own partners , build their own lives - that's how it is. Your maternal instincts are still in top gear and want to protect your son, but it is no longer your place to do that ! his priority is now with the woman he loves - not you. I sincerely hope the rift can be healed so that if the relationship were to break down he could come to you for a level of support. If you are able to make contact I suggest you apologize, tell him you love him and hope for the best. It is very hard to watch and see adult children hurtling into what is perceived as certain disaster!! but if that were true it is their disaster and theirs to deal with - not yours.
I wish you good luck and hope this dreadful situation can be resolved .
Do take care of yourself, I wish you well.