Son chose my DIL over me

Whilst your son may be in a coercive relationship it's not easy to get out of these situations and I'm afraid he won't admit this to you (if true) - and, sadly, it will not be you he turns to for help.

I hope he has some dear friends and/or work friends who will "hang in there" with him as much as they can. Or maybe there is someone from his earlier life he can turn to if he needs to in the future?

Now the hard part - you have pushed him away with your smothering behaviour and negative attitude towards the person he loves/loved most. Whilst you did pay for his travel to see her I'm sure you have been too invested in him and his life so that you have most likely been the agent of your own misfortune.

I don't think there is anything you can say or do now as the damage is done. The best is to focus on the positive relationships in your family and nurture and enjoy those.
If I was you I'd do what others have said and write a journal rather than text messages to nowhere.

I would try counselling again - and try to go with a more open mind this time. Counselling is about you and I think I'd want to focus on how I might feel better in future and overcome the pain. Choose the practice carefully as you are not going to necessarily find the right person straight off.

I do feel sorry for you - but only you can find a way forward.

Let your son go. You have told him repeatedly that you are there for him so now you must stop this and get on with your life.

I cannot believe that anyone would have ‘a bad feeling’ about a girl because her parents are divorced and she doesn’t talk to her father. Or that any mother would describe her daughter in law as an ‘outsider’. I’m not in the least surprised that your attitudes have driven your son away.

Is this post real?

Hello Amber.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this, it's a terrible thing to lose a child through estrangement.

I don't understand why the validity of your post is being questioned. Estrangement due to the coercive control of a third party is sadly very common. I'm taking your post at face value because one of the worse things any estranged parent ma have to endure is not being believed.

I can understand why you said that your son claimed to be in love with this young woman because his only interaction with her at that point had been on line and through game playing.

I gather from your OP and subsequent posts that you voiced your concerns before he travelled to meet her. You wont have been the first, and wont be the last parent to have been concerned about the speed a relationship developed within a face to face meeting of just 2 months. Despite your concerns, you facilitated the relationship by paying for your son's flights and accommodation so he could visit her.

You have been blocked so as you've explained, the messages you've been sending on a daily basis are for your benefit, rather than to badger your son. That said, for your own well being you should stop doing this. You need time to begin to heal and until you reluctantly accept that there is nothing you can do, and begin to focus on those in your life who love you and want you to be a part of theirs, this wound will continue to be raw.

Being estranged is hard enough without the added distress of not knowing where your AC is and if they're OK. Being told by those who are in contact with him that she's always angry with him and prevents him from having friends and hobbies is very concerning, and the situation with friends and hobbies is what happens when someone's being coercively controlled.

I'm sorry you've been upset by some of the responses here, there is thread specifically to offer support for those whose lives have been affected by estrangement and if you'd like too, please feel free to send me a private message .

If a man tells a woman he doesn’t want a relationship anymore, and she calls or texts daily, pays someone to find his location, spies on him via friends and relatives, it’s calling stalking.

Being his mother doesn’t change it.

Your son has already warned about taking legal action against you. You absolutely need to leave him alone. And give therapy another try.

Your behaviour is unhealthy and could easily land you in serious legal trouble.

I don't know if this is a true situation but I have two friends involved in similar ones; both sons turned their backs on their mothers after forming an intense relationship with a female partner. Both sons, whom I have known since childhood, were surprisingly cruel to their mothers but it was of their choosing and personal gratification was their utmost priority.

You have to stop pursuing your son, Amber, because you are committing a criminal offence and will only give him genuine cause for complaint if you persist. Focus on your existing family because sadly nothing you say or do will make him change his mind. You must accept that it is he, not his partner, who is doing this.
I agree some of the comments on here have been rather harsh.

I think some of you are being very hard on Amber. Yes mistakes were made at the beginning of the relationship. My DS and DD brought some very unsuitable partners home but I made them all feel welcome and fortunately the ones they ended up with - after a good length of time - are lovely.

But what is done is done. You must stop stalking him and let those who have contact with him know you will always welcome him home and then move on with your own life,. It may be he comes home of his own accord but he may not. Be thankful for your DH and loving DD.

AmberJ73 You say you do not know what else you could have done in your circumstances. Well, the answer is 'nothing'. Your son was of age when he made his decisions, which may or may not have brought him happiness., but he was of age and the most you could do is expressed a few words of caution and then shut up.

I have had friends whose children at similar ages have left home or planned to do so with partners that their parents fear will bring them nothing but unhappiness. In one case the parents reacted in a not dissimilar way to you, the result was their daughter went ahead and made a disastrous marriage, and was permanently estranged from them. She died in child birth 10 years later, after the end of her first marriage, she had made a second happy and good marriage, but was still estranged from her parents.

The other parents, did nothing, said nothing, did nothing positive or negative to affect their daughter's decision, just let it play out, and everything fell apart over a couple of years, the daughter never married the dodgy boy friend, never had children and could return home when without any loss of face when it ended in tears. The daughter could return home because as her parents had never got angry, or told her it would all end in tears. done all the things you have done, she could do so without having to admit she was in the wrong and her parents were right. In their turn they said nothing, did not say 'I told you so' or anything that hinted at that. She then had a number of other boyfriends before settling down in a happy marriage in her 30s.

Amber sorry but you are making things worse. Using a search engine to find him and messaging him everyday is creepy. Especially as it's been 7 years.

You can not tell your son who to love that's wrong. You wouldn't have liked it if your parents had told you who to love. And anyway who we fall in love we have no control over.

From what you have written you pushed him away yourself but trying to stop him loving the woman he does. Once our children are adults it's up to them how they live their lives.

Why did you think you would get support from other estranged parents when you have done nothing but try to control your son ,spying on him and harassing him everyday.

Time to leave him along. And let him live his own life. You have caused this estrangement yourself.

Others like me had no warning or saw our estrangement coming nor did we cause it.

Why did you think you would get support from other estranged parents as what you have said you caused this yourself. Leave your son alone it's been 7 years. Time to stop what you are doing.

I did try to give a constructive post to you but it’s not what you want to hear amber You say you’re not a fan of counselling and that doesn’t surprise me because I m sure the counselling would bring up things you wouldn’t want to acknowledge or hear.
You say it’s hard to not feel negative about her but she never stood a chance did she ? you made up your mind as soon as he told you about her, you say he ignored your warnings not to go to see her when they first met 7 years ago, What right had you to tell a grown up son who he could visit or not

He’s been with her 7 years so it can’t be all bad can it ?

You say you had a bad feeling about her from the start because her parents were divorced and she didn’t talk to her father!!! What nonsense is that?
I take it from your wording that you are in the States
This site will be extremely supportive of estranged parents if it’s not glaringly obvious that you are the one who is causing this huge rift but unfortunately truth can hurt
You really need to consider it may be your behaviour not hers that’s at fault

I wish you peace and hope t turns out well but you need to back off and find a way to heal yourself and leave them to live their lives how they wish, unfortunately you have done the opposite to what you set out to do ……You have pushed him closer to her.
Please consider doing some work on yourself I do truly wish you well but it’s not looking hopeful while you see yourself as the wronged one

Your lack of self awareness is astounding. Your critical and all knowing opinions of his girlfriend are false. If this is true I do not blame him for his attitude at all. When you are critical, mean in your attitude and cling on like a limpet you end up strangling and killing the poor couple. I have three sons who are married to lovely ladies and I chat to all of them and think of them as my true daughters (I don’t have any). All I ever wanted for my sons was for them to have partners who loved them. I have never ever criticised any of them and always tell them how much I love them. If you treat people with love and kindness you will usually receive it in return. I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself.

I appreciate the advice. It's very hard not to feel negatively about her when I think about the ways she's hurt my family and my son. But I would genuinely be willing to work things out with them if they were willing. For now I will focus on myself and the rest of my family.

For everyone else, I thought this was a place for support for estranged parents so I apologize. I didnt think that I would get this much rage, but I suppose I upset people. Please understand there are people behind the screens that have feelings though when you attack and make accusations. I've learned that they can hurt more than anything.

AmberJ - it must be so hurtful. Give it time - he will come to his senses. I too have have difficulties with my middle son. He said some horrible things. It hurt so much. But I took it, for the sake of the grandchildren. I try not to think of those days. He behaves as if it never happened. I’m always walking on eggshells. So, my advice is, just keep your distance - don’t push him further away. And, don’t say nasty things about your d.I.l. She is the woman in his life.

Monica I wish this was fake but this is my life. That is my son. I know it's easy to judge, but you weren't the one who had to deal with losing their child to an outsider and then learning their marriage made him suicidal. You weren't the one accused of abusing your child. I don't know what else you think I could have done. I supported him until it blew up in my face and then I tried to get him to stop so he wouldn't end up in the exact situation he is in now. I have family members he still talks to who say that she is angry at him all the time, stops him from having hobbies and friends. She refuses to let him see even the other side of his family more than once or twice a year. And when they do come to visit I stay away and respect them. And yet I've still made it clear that I'd welcome BOTH of them back if it meant repairing things with them.

Coercive control - or a wind-up?

is this a joke, or meant to be, as so unfunny.
quite creepy to read, even if fictional.

Well they were very young, only 18 and claimed they were in love within two months. By six months he was pulling away from me and talking about leaving school to be with her. I was worried he was getting caught up in the romance of his first big relationship without considering the warning signs but I still was supportive after warning him. I paid from flights and hotels for him multiple times to see her. I only started resisting after he came to me and said that she told him I committed a crime and should avoid me. And the accusations they made were horrible. It was honestly the worst time of my life. The unbelievable filth coming out of my son's mouth as he accused me of abusing him growing up made me realize that whatever she was telling him was twisting him. Even my daughter and husband agreed it's insane what she said.

And I know my post makes it sound like I'm bothering him, but I'm not. I message his number more as a diary to myself than to him. I know I'm blocked so he doesn't see them at all. I don't even know if he knows I do it. Although I will admit that give everyone's advice I should start journaling instead of the texts. I hope he comes to his senses and leaves her, but I won't push them and leave them alone for the most part at this point. I tried therapy but wasn't a fan. I only looked for them to make sure he's safe. I heard that he was suicidal and it terrified me to not know where he was or if he was safe.

I find this story almost unbelievable. That a grown woman could be so lacking in any insight into their behaviour as to think she has done a single thing right n the whole process of her relationship with her son.

It reads as if she has a manual by her bed called 'How to ensure that your son completely cuts you out of his life', which she follows to the letter.

I am really not sure how one can give any help or support to the OP - that is assuming that this has really happened.

I do feel for you but unfortunately you have made this situation yourself You cannot hold on to adult children you cannot make their choices for them!!!

You made it quite clear that you were not going to accept this girl who was your sons choice, you use very poor language
‘He claimed he loved her’ ‘ignored my warnings that he shouldn’t get involved’ ‘ he went to her despite my best efforts ‘ WOW
‘I had to use one of those search services’ ‘ I message him every day’ ‘maybe one day he ll come to his senses’

I am so sorry this is going to sound so harsh but you have caused all this yourself and I don’t blame your son or his lady for staying away from you
Please consider some counselling for yourself to help you see where you have gone very wrong

He is in his own home.

I hope this is not a true post

I know of a few family relationships affected by estrangement and yes it’s painful my advice just try to back off. Concentrate on your own life and see how things turn out it’s for the best I am sure.

I'm not surprised he's threatened to go to the police if you message him every day.