Son chose my DIL over me

I am so sorry this has happened to you
Very sadly my dear sister became estranged and we didn’t have a chance to make up 💔 if there is any way you can open communication again with your son and his wife I would if I were you … this is not a rehearsal and we were tragically reminded of this
Whatever you do be cordial and don’t become the villain as I am trying to navigate my way around a difficult situation at the moment .. and involves small grandchildren too whom are my heart and soul … boundaries when broken can be healed … please please attempt this good luck

You really need a life outside of your son.
You are I imagine thinking about this situation all the time, that really is not good.

welbeck

is this a joke, or meant to be, as so unfunny.
quite creepy to read, even if fictional.

Indeed. Quite fictional.

@Nicola1960 I’ve been told I won’t have a relationship with my new ((only )) grandson due in March . I have a relationship with my son which is hanging by a thread . He told me I’m not allowed to send a gift because my GS won’t receive it . It’s so heartbreaking but I just need to follow the instructions. Not nice at all these children are they . I’m sorry

Nicola1960 My thoughts are with you. So sorry you are not able to know your grandchildren.

I sent gift vouchers to my two GC only met baby once when his father was close to death. I sent xmas cards nothing back not even a birthday card. DIL has dragged him away from family. I keep doing this but hurts so much when sentiment not returned .

Hi my youngest son met a lass on a night out. She soon got into his head and I knew she wasn’t any good for him I said nothing and bit my tongue and tried to entertain her for his sake then he started to lose lots of weight he couldn’t visit me without her and if she did let him he was timed etc one day I said to him along with his brother and his wife we will always have a home for you should you ever need it. Few weeks later he came home with all that he could carry. She did so many things I only found out about after it broke down. She was that bad we had to move house. The more you call her the more he will go to her. My advice don’t overload him let him leave his mistakes he will soon come back. Also I’m divorced and my sons have nothing to do with their dad that was his choice not there’s and my sons are both doing well in life and both happy married with family of their own now. No more bunny boiler in our family lol

I don't understand the comment about being " a true post".
No offence intended but Why would anyone make this up?

OP, keep bashing your DIL and you'll get no where with your son and don't listen to the rumours, she said, he said blah blah. Nothing makes sense that he stopped talking to you, but spoke to his dad and sister until he found out they were passing things on to you? How? Then blocked them but openly admitted all that?

If you're able too, draw a line, find a way to contact him, accept her, apologies and move on.

Never a good idea to believe rumours and gossip, especially if your dislike of your child's spouse has already led to estrangement

Best to be a supportive loving mother that still has a relationship and is able to be there for their child if and when they say themselves they need help

I’m afraid she sounds the mil you dread your child having. Best avoided.

Why are people assuming the DiL is controlling? We only have the OP's word for that, similarly. the OP says
family members he still talks to who say that she is angry at him, stops him from having hobbies and friends. She refuses to let him see even the other side of his family more than once or twice a year.

These are the words of a bitter and angry woman. I wonder how far she is putting words in people's mouths, or just hearing what she wants to hear, regardless of what family and friends actually say. Having been a victim of such mishearing myself this year, although not in a family context, I have seen how this happens.

Both UK and the USA has a culture based on the teachings of the Christian religion and there is a quote from the bible that sums up quite clearly the relationship between an adult child and their parents after the child forms their own personal relationship and sets up their joimt home with their partner. It says:

For this cause shall a man leave father and mother and cleave to his wife and they twain shall be one flesh, wherefore they are no more twain but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together let no man put asunder.^
Matthew 19:5-6, King James version

In other words when an adult child forms a relationship with another person and they set up their own household, then that is their primary relationship and we, parents, must back off.

That is what the OP needs to do.

Most GN members will try to be kind and understanding of those who file problems, but this does not preclude us calling out someone whose expectations and demands are unreasonable and telling them that they are the cause of their own problems.

As far as I can see that is definitely the cause here. However in doing this I am not criticisingor demeaning the person, I am critiising their actions.

I’m sorry but you really need therapy for your control issues. If a man were consistently contacting someone against their will, no one would feel sympathetic. It’s not excusable, and shame on anyone downplaying this behavior.

You say your son chose his wife over you. Why on Earth would you equate those two relationships to begin with? This tells me you do not have healthy boundaries. Mothers and wives are not equals in any man’s life. It is the natural order of things. Reframe your relationship so that you may have clarity on appropriate boundaries.

You looked down on the young woman and deemed her unacceptable the moment you met her. I am sure oversimplified views of her familial relationships may have you think you are justified in dismissing her, but a good person does not think this way. I’m sorry but you were extremely unkind. I can understand the distance between you and your son.

Your son has been with her for 7 years. He has been out of contact with you for 7 years. It’s irrational to assume you know him or their relationship. He said/she said from people who are also no longer close to him is not convincing enough to claim that he is in a controlling relationship. The only facts we know are that you tried to control who he was with and now you are harassing him. He had every right to distance himself from relatives who had so little respect for him that they gave you an avenue to continue harassing him. I think you’d all benefit from learning about healthy boundaries. Love is not control. The irony that you are trying to convince everyone else that he is in a controlling relationship is not lost on those of us with healthy boundaries. It is a tactic I’ve seen used by many women whose goal it is to drive a daughter in law away. Behave poorly toward DIL, push son to limit before he chooses (not in her favor), then convince the family the DIL is the controlling one when they lose the battle. Shame they do not see it backfiring before it happens. Plenty of families would still be together.

He’s an adult - that is precisely as it should be.

there is nothing in her posts to suggest the son is being controlled really BlueBelle!!!

Amber has posted "family members he still talks to who say that she is angry at him, stops him from having hobbies and friends. She refuses to let him see even the other side of his family more than once or twice a year".

People choose to be with someone before they become controlled or enter into and/or stay in a relationship for years because they're being controlled.

Relationships where there's coercive control can and do last years, and living with someone whose always angry and limits and/or prevents friendships, hobbies and contact with extended family members, is not conducive to happiness.

Maddy you say Amber has certainly contributed to this sorry story but that’s where I think differently to you I think she has made this sorry story, also I totally understand about coercive control but there is nothing in her posts to suggest the son is being controlled he has CHOSEN to be with this lady for 7 years there is really nothing to suggest he doesn’t enjoy a happy life with this ‘awful’ chosen lady
All Amber has to do is get on with her own life happily, buildup her interests and her other relationships and have some therapy for her over controlling relationship with her son Like you I wish her the very best for the future and totally understand her heartbreak at losing her relationship with her son, it’s heartbreaking but will only get worse if she doesn’t stop herself

What a thoughtful, kind sensible post Maddyone. Always the voice of reason.

I'd certainly hope my children would choose their spouse over me. Really all there is to this post - what should happen with married AC.

It’s rare to read such a revealing account from someone who seems so completely unaware of the part she has played in her own unhappiness.

Amber, there is some good advice on here, some of it might not be to your liking, but perhaps take some of it seriously in the hope of improving things for the future, one way or another. Coming on here and starting to open up about your situation might turn out to be a good first step.

I think this is a genuine post, although the poster has shown an extreme reaction to her estrangement.
The two mothers I know have behaved more reasonably, despite the grossly unfair treatment they received; both were divorced and tended to indulge, but not spoil, their sons as compensation for largely absent fathers; they both welcomed the wives with open arms into their homes for a considerable period and gave a great deal of financial assistance. Both sons were determined to be better fathers than their own and took on a large share of childcare, despite being the only earner, both wives being stay at home mothers who never worked. Their wives are the centre of their world and they make sure there is no place for anyone else.

BlueBelle I don’t disagree with what you say, Amber has certainly contributed to her difficulties by her own behaviour. However I can see she is very distressed now and needs some friendly advice and support. What I found is, if you are dealing with coercive control, it doesn’t matter what you do, or don’t do, the controlling person will continue to try to isolate their partner from his/her family. It will only ever end if the the relationship ends. That was our very sad experience.

Slightly off topic but you mentioned you had a bad feeling about this relationship as she wasn't speaking to her father. There's a possibility she had been influenced and manipulated by her mother. Lots of women do poison their children against their other parent. I think it's awful , but aged 18 it's a possibility.

I’m sure the post is for real
Being the woman on the receiving end
I came from stable family and similar education to now husband
Had career etc I would have taken it personally if she had not done same thing to elder brother who totally broke away
It is with regret that we maintained contact
I really did try and gave it my best shot

Maddyone I agree a few of the posts are a bit harsh but also when advice is asked for there is no point in saying ‘there there all will be fine’
Amber does not seem to see that she has played any part in this sad situation she only sees it as the daughter in laws fault
Her son is, in her words a genius! and she obviously had high hopes for him which didn’t include a girl from a divorced family who doesn’t speak to her father (well that describes my son completely he is from a divorced family and hasn’t spoken to his father, now deceased, since he was about 8 but has been happily married to my daughter in law for 24 years )
Amber has every point racked up against this lady including the fact he met her playing online video games ‘my my what a sin’
She has caused all this herself by clinging on to her control long after the lad was grown and flown
She even regards counselling as ‘not to her liking’ I m sure not as she would be exploring her part in the sad situation

There is no way forward until Amber looks at her own behaviour in this sad story and unfortunately it’s spilled out into the wider family

Heal yourself first Amber

maddyone

There are some quite cruel posts on here. It seems to me that this is not a story and Amber is clearly very distressed. She has made some mistakes with her son but are all the posters on here perfect parents to their adult children? I have some knowledge of coercive control because one of my adult children was sadly controlled in this way in her marriage. Now the marriage has broken down. There were warning lights right from the beginning, but we did exactly what Gransnetters advise. We said nothing. We did nothing. It didn’t stop the controlling person from causing many difficulties for us several times over because that’s what controlling people do. They ensure the family is rejected because they need complete control of their partner. It’s a difficult situation and whilst Amber may have made some some mistakes in handling this, she doesn’t deserve unkind comments, she needs support to get through this difficult time.

I’m not at all interested in being cruel, but the OP needs to realize that her behaviour could have extremely serious legal consequences.

Being his mother doesn’t make her behaviour any less problematic.