Grandaughter being alienated

VioletSky

I'm really not interested in arguing this point, it isn't helpful to anyone to colour official advice with personal feelings or opinions...

I am not interested in "arguing" either but I am interested in accurate representation!

It's not "personal feelings", its interpretation and nuance in a given situation using official guidance to inform decisions on a way forward.

I struggle to interpret CAFCASS advice as "change the subject" to something irrelevant to the given subject raised by the child, like "what do you want for dinner!" But I suppose there might be a circumstance where someone night feel that is appropriart; just not sure how it helps a worrying child.

Keeping the focus on the child and alleviating potential concerns ..such as how much they are loved ...that is clearly represented in CAFCASS advice.

However we each have to use our own knowledge, professional experience and life experiences to interpret and use advice in a given situation. I expect you do that and I know I do.

As Madgran posted earlier, the suggestions given have not gone against CAFCASS advice and it's up to MyHeart to decide whether or not to take on board any of the opinions she's received.

I'm really not interested in arguing this point, it isn't helpful to anyone to colour official advice with personal feelings or opinions...

PS I really am not trying to enter into a tit for tat competition on knowledge and expertise here by the way. I only mention my own experiences in this field because CAFCASS and child development were mentioned ...I think advice can be appropriate from life experience as well which may or may not include qualifications and training in a relevant area

Regarding child development, (of which I also have a detailed knowledge) a 10 year old is likely to be well capable of interpretation and nuance and will be aware of being fobbed off or of interpreting an answer as fobbed off.

Again child development is an area where there are standard expectations of stages of development which will differ slightly on an individual basis and only the OP can consider the best way for her own relationship with her GD.

I dont think there are any posters who have given the impression that they are not aware of the importance if protecting the relationship between GD/GC. Absolutely, going home and stating "Grandma said this" if Grandma was trashing the parents would be wrong/unwise but the suggestions of responses that acknowledge the childs thinking and keep the focus on all the people who care for her do not suggest that scenario being a problem.

VioletSky

As I said, the official advise is to work to maintain a positive relationship with the child so that the child feels safe with you.

Focusing on disputing what an alienator says will only lead the child to confusion and conflicting feelings that they are not ready to handle.

CAFCASS would also advise that the best way to combat alienation is to have some form of mediation or communication with the person doing it direct.

The best way to avoid alienation is to not engage in it yourself in any way and as soon as you start disputing or contradicting what the alienator is doing you are participating yourself

I would assume there is no court order here which means that the grandparent has no power to get the child into therapy to help them deal with their emotions and undo any fear the alienator has caused the child

So the grandmother is in a worse position than a parent and the contact can easily be withdrawn at any time should the child go home and say "grandma said xyz"

I don't mind who doesn't agree with me but I want to protect OPs relationship, my advice is based on what I know from CAFCASS and my studies in childhood development and I hope she hears me

And the suggestions made do not go against CAFCASS advice, of which I have a detailed knowledge myself. There are nuances within how to interpret and follow that advice and the OP will hopefully find the right way within the specific nature of her circumstances and relationship with her GD.

Everyone who has responded has done so on the basis of the positive relationship MyHeart has with her GD VS, based no doubt on common sense and experience and a desire to see her relationship with her GD protected.

Having knowledge of CAFCASS and studies in childhood development aren't a requirement when giving advice, and not having them doesn't mean the advice given is of less importance.

As I said, the official advise is to work to maintain a positive relationship with the child so that the child feels safe with you.

Focusing on disputing what an alienator says will only lead the child to confusion and conflicting feelings that they are not ready to handle.

CAFCASS would also advise that the best way to combat alienation is to have some form of mediation or communication with the person doing it direct.

The best way to avoid alienation is to not engage in it yourself in any way and as soon as you start disputing or contradicting what the alienator is doing you are participating yourself

I would assume there is no court order here which means that the grandparent has no power to get the child into therapy to help them deal with their emotions and undo any fear the alienator has caused the child

So the grandmother is in a worse position than a parent and the contact can easily be withdrawn at any time should the child go home and say "grandma said xyz"

I don't mind who doesn't agree with me but I want to protect OPs relationship, my advice is based on what I know from CAFCASS and my studies in childhood development and I hope she hears me

I can't see how my response to the OP could be viewed in that way either Madgran and I why anyone would suggest that an EP/EGP (VS posted her comment was to me) would suggest anything that could result in another parent/GP being estranged, is beyond me.

I do not think that my suggestions of ways to respond are risking a grandmother losing contact with her GC.

I don't think your specific suggestions above risk that either VS, but I'm not comfortable with the idea of moving straight on to other subjects like dinner because I think the child will not feel heard and will be astute enough to know exactly what is being done. That will not build a trusting relationship.

The whole situation is tricky and how it goes really does depend on sensitive responses to the childs queries and comments whilst continuing to do nice things together etc. I hope that will be possible for all concerned

Smileless2012

I don't think changing the subject is a good idea. Answering any questions honestly and in a non judgemental way is the way to go.

I completely agree with you Smileless

Madgran did not agree with you VS. The first paragraph of her post agreed with me that it would be wrong to change the subject, and that it is possible to be honest without making negative comments.

No one's betting (their) opinion on a grandmother potentially losing contact with a grandchild VS and to suggest that anyone would do so in order to be right is extremely offensive.

No one on this thread has suggested that the OP use her GD as some sort of go between in an argument by giving opposing information to the parents ... that will get back to them. In fact the only person to have raised that, is you.

Sorry that comment is to Smileless, not Madgran as we are clearly agreed

You are betting your opinion on a grandmother potentially losing contact with a grandchild

A dangerous game to play simply in order to be right

Again, I would stick to That isn't true statements like: "I would never do that, what would you like for dinner?" (As long as that is in fact the truth)

The best way to prevent alienation is to be a person the child trusts and likes. She won't trust a person who uses her as some sort of go between in an argument by giving opposing information to the parents... that will get back to them.

Re the first paragraph of your post Madgran; exactly.

A child of 10 who is aware/astute enough to comment/ask questions on any given subject will also be aware/astute enough to know when they are being fobbed off or the subject is being changed. It is possible to be honest without making negative comments or entering a one word against the other situation.

Myheart I agree with all who say to concentrate on building on the
relationship you have with your Gd but also don't fob her off if she asks questions or makes comments.Simple replies like
" We were all sad when Mummy and daddy felt they couldnt stay together...but sometimes that happens in relationships. The important thing is everyone loves you which isn't really surprising because you are you!" ..and similar.. If she ever states that she thinks the break up was your fault just say something like "I'm not sure how I could have caused it. ....we were all sad .etc etc "!(as above or similar ...!" )

Hope you can continue to enjoy your GD.

Of course it's possible.

That's not possible

It will be grandmother's word against the parents and she will ultimately lose... Possibly contact with the grandchild

The important thing is being a person the grandchild can trust, who listens and supports instead of escalating drama

As long as the OP isn't critical of her GD's mother and her mother's family, she wont be putting her in the middle. Changing the subject thereby refusing to engage with her on it could make her feel her GM has something to hide.

Oh dear... No, do not agree, please do not put poor grandchild in the middle of this, from experience, it is a horrible place to be.

The important thing here is that your grandchild knows you as a trustworthy, safe adult. I would, honestly stick to saying "no that's not true" if you really really have to but otherwise, changing the subject.

Don't risk anything getting back to the parents that will lose you contact.

I don't think changing the subject is a good idea. Answering any questions honestly and in a non judgemental way is the way to go.

Sorry, change the subject if she brings it up...

I would put this to one side, concentrate on having a good relationship with your grandchild.

Change the subject

I agree with what others have said. If you had been thought to be the problem then something would have been said already.. your GD has reached the age where she will be questioning her life.. Just continue being loving and most importantly talking to her truthfully..