Gifts to GC when estranged

I have already answered that but yes it does depend what is written inside if you were sending those cards yearly

Oh sorry I missed that you have already said that

There are even grandparents out there, who would send such a thing in the hope it would make their grandchild angry or upset with their parents for taking away that relationship and that is thinking no-one should want to emulate

No noone would I imagine, if that was the case. But that isnt the motivation of all grandparents is it. Has that been expressed on this thread..If it has I have missed that as well.

I'm not sure about the implied message ...each case will be different in terms of the personalities of the people involved; how the Estrangement happened; relationships between GC/GP prior to estrangement; what has been said to them etc etc.

The responses, feelings and so on will differ because of all those things and more. On that basis I think there could be potential risk in NOT leaving something.

In the end individuals will have to decide what is best in their own particular situation and hopefully the differing views expressed on this thread will help them to decide a way forward.

I have already answered that but yes it does depend what is written inside if you were sending those cards yearly

However, sending a stack of those cards for every birthday missed does have a clear implied message that crosses a line onto potentially harmful ground

And it's not good either way I am afraid, positive or negative if this memory box is in the will their is nothing that poor grandchild can do to feel better

There are even grandparents out there, who would send such a thing in the hope it would make their grandchild angry or upset with their parents for taking away that relationship and that is thinking no-one should want to emulate

Especially when the grandchild is the one who has to receive it and deal with the feelings it evokes

Ah just seen your last comment ...so you feel that receiving the memory box cards etc might evoke difficult and/or painful feelings for the GC to deal with? I think that is what you mean but want to be sure that I have not misunderstood

Passing on messages about how the grandparent felt on someone's special day is not

I'm pondering ...Does a birthday card, for instance, do that?

Assuming it doesn't contain inappropriate comments etc about family members or whatever.

VioletSky

As I said, it is always appropriate to tell children age appropriate truth about people who are unsafe

Well yes and I was agreeing with you!

It is very baffling because, you are all upset that your grandchild has been taken away, and that the parent has likely said things about you to said grandchild that you deem unfair...

So why would you in turn do something that risks solidifying what your estranged adult child may have said?

Are opinions worth that? I'm not so sure

Especially when the grandchild is the one who has to receive it and deal with the feelings it evokes

I'm sure we are all quite capable of knowing what will or not be harmful to our GC without the benefit of your 'wisdom' VS. I know I am.

So really quite helpful advice

Because it is the truth

That sort of message is harmful and people need to know that if their desired outcome is not to hurt their own grandchild

It is also to the benefit of the person sending it to ensure what is received is seen as positive and not negative

For goodness sake VS why can't you just accept that not everyone agrees with you, and that your constant jibes at EGP's about 'harm' and 'being unsafe' are as tiresome as they are offensive.

Depends if the contents of the memory box are safe or not

Passing on heirlooms and photos is fine

Passing on messages about how the grandparent felt on someone's special day is not

I've said I agree with you in this context VS but this context isn't about EGP's leaving their GC memory boxes.

On this particular issue we are not going to agree so let's leave it there shall we.

The context makes no difference, children have the right to remain free from harm.

Children should always be told age appropriate truth about any adult that is unsafe, including family members

In this context I agree VS.

As I said, it is always appropriate to tell children age appropriate truth about people who are unsafe

VioletSky

Children do need to be taught about unsafe people

Too many adults out there are unsafe

I agree VS. And there are a range of variations on unsafe from the stranger danger you mentioned Smileless to the emotionally unsafe manipulators who might use children for their own ends. Turning people against each other for example for their own ends which can happen in families and in a wider context in any group situation.

Helping children to be discerning about what is said to them and whether it really makes sense/ matches their own experience etc. is an important part of that isn't it.

I believe in helping children (and adults) to follow and trust their instincts as part of that process; we all have a sense that can "scream" at us but it's so easy for it to be squashed out of children and to not use it as an adult for the sake of "politeness"; a relationship to hang on to or whatever.

Of course all of the above will vary in practice ensuring that it is age appropriate but the younger it starts the better.

It's a pity that it is a necessary part of parenting though.

Indeed. I remember talking to our boys about not talking too/going with strangers and our ES who was about 6 at the time asked if they're like the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

I said yes, but the the trouble is they don't look like him, they look just like everyone else.

Such a difficult subject to address as the last thing you want to do is frighten them.

Children do need to be taught about unsafe people

Too many adults out there are unsafe

Well yes definitely preferable to "hateful awful people undeserving of knowing you".

Smileless2012

I gave examples in a post I made yesterday @8.52 Grams2five of what I thought was appropriate to say.

I saw 😂. They weren’t enough to cover a situation where you wouldn’t want the child, should they come into contact with the grandparent to consider them trustworthy. I felt your suggestions w would leave open that possibility. Not very nice seemed more appropriate than hateful awful people undeserving of knowing you I suppose.

I gave examples in a post I made yesterday @8.52 Grams2five of what I thought was appropriate to say.

Smileless2012

But why are you talking about a child being unsafe? I'll ask you again, whose child are you referring too?

My post @ 15.23 was in response to Grams2five who doesn't mention a child being unsafe, and my response doesn't mention a child being unsafe either.

As I’m the one you were referring I’ll
Say my kids would have (likely) been physically safe with my in-laws. No one was emotionally safe with them because again - they were not nice people. So I’ll defend tot my death my use of that term
When they were too small for further explanation. Their father had parents, but they weren’t very nice people and as such we didn’t associate with them. When they got older they were given more details as age and maturity warranted. I would do it again 100
Times for the peace, closeness and happy lives it brought our family. What do you think was appropriate to say I wonder ? I wanted them to have an age appropriate understanding of who the grandparents were. If God forbid they had come into contact with them - I wanted to be sure they knew they weren’t to be trusted.
Thank goodness all are grown and flown now and I don’t need to worry about the in-laws deciding to try to insert themselves yet again, or turn up at school events etc.

Yep, happy and healthy.

Are you ok?

Yes VS it's pretty clear that you don't have a problem pointing out what you consider to be unhealthy behaviours, I just don't happen to agree with what you consider to be unhealthy.