Gifts to GC when estranged

maddyone

Yes it is Smileless.
I haven’t read Ladysu’s posts on the estrangement thread, but I get fed up with the total lack of compassion I regularly see on Gransnet about family discord. Unless there has been severe abuse I can see little that’s right or pleasant in vindictive family breakdown. It’s not normal and it’s not pleasant, but for reasons I don’t understand, we seem to see more of it these days. Maybe that’s because of social media and other types of media. Maybe it always went on, but we didn’t hear about it. I came from a close and supportive family but my own mother had certain personality traits which were hard to deal with. However I never abandoned her, nor did I not allow her to see her grandchildren. She loved her grandchildren and they loved her. I loved her and miss her, but I don’t miss some of her behaviours. Now I have a narcissistic ex son in law to deal with, who has been described as possibly sociopathic by a councillor. Long story, I’m not going there on this thread, but I know you know something about it Smileless.

Ladysu, I just wish there was more compassion in the world. It is absolutely not normal for anyone to behave towards their mother as your son is doing towards you, as you say you don’t know what prompted this, apart from your partner’s death.

She does know what’s caused it. She has said over and over again on her various threads. She acted selfishly and inappropriately when learning of her son and daughter in laws threatened miscarriage of their pregnancy. Her son has FLAT OUT TOLD HER SO. He has told her that he and his wife find the behavior unforgivable at this time. This is not a case is someone being suddenly ignored and having no idea why (in fact she’s not even being ignored she. Has a son who is still regularly doing all sorts of things at her behest for her including bf driving her and her pet from one place to the other etc ) She has been told what has happened to cause the unpleasantness . What people are reacting to is her own refusal to see the writing on the wall in front of her and instead just insist that she’s had a significant loss (and she has and sympathy to that ) her son shouldn’t be upset with her about anything. She knows her cause of her problems but rather than address that - even if it means simply having to give it time - rather than attempting t make oneself out to be the victim of totally unwarranted behaviors. We can find her situation sad , unfortunate , heck posters can feel her son is in the wrong but let’s not all continue to act as though she “doesn’t know”
She knows.

No Bridie VS has said on Gransnet that she’s the estranger. She may very well have good reasons, but that’s why she’s always so supportive of the estranger, not the estranged.

How dare you judge my intentions VS,you know nothing of my life and situations,
Can I ask if you are an estranged grandparent?

Yes it is Smileless.
I haven’t read Ladysu’s posts on the estrangement thread, but I get fed up with the total lack of compassion I regularly see on Gransnet about family discord. Unless there has been severe abuse I can see little that’s right or pleasant in vindictive family breakdown. It’s not normal and it’s not pleasant, but for reasons I don’t understand, we seem to see more of it these days. Maybe that’s because of social media and other types of media. Maybe it always went on, but we didn’t hear about it. I came from a close and supportive family but my own mother had certain personality traits which were hard to deal with. However I never abandoned her, nor did I not allow her to see her grandchildren. She loved her grandchildren and they loved her. I loved her and miss her, but I don’t miss some of her behaviours. Now I have a narcissistic ex son in law to deal with, who has been described as possibly sociopathic by a councillor. Long story, I’m not going there on this thread, but I know you know something about it Smileless.

Ladysu, I just wish there was more compassion in the world. It is absolutely not normal for anyone to behave towards their mother as your son is doing towards you, as you say you don’t know what prompted this, apart from your partner’s death.

Exactly

You're doing it again VS, attributing the worse of intentions to people you don't even know by suggesting that deciding to leave a memory box is driven purely by selfishness on the part of the GP.

I agree maddy and who can blame her, it's a very sad state of affairs isn't it.

People should do what is best for their grandchild, not themselves

That's why I wouldn't trust them with their grandchildren adult or not

For what it is worth, I have put together a family photo album to pass down and all family members are included as are good memories.from childhood etc

No point in carrying down I'll feeling through generations and I hope that good work is not undone "in the will" because that would be an awful shame

welbeck

you sound so bitter and eaten up with resentment towards your son.
have you thought of counselling.
don't waste your life living in with all this negativity.
you need a different outlook.

What a negative post, totally lacking in any compassion or understanding.
I don’t think Ladysuisei sounds at all bitter. She sounds sad, which probably is how most of us would feel.

As a GP you are part of your GC's heritage, you're the parent of one of their parents.

A GC may wish to look at and keep the contents of a memory box or they may choose to throw it away. If they're adults when the box is past in to them, as adults they will have the right to decide for themselves and it is not up to their parents to make that decision for them.

The GC may be grateful, they may not. They may thank their parents for never having known their GP's or may resent them for it, no one knows until it happens.

I'm not desperate to know our GC and would prefer it if things stay as they are, but I do want them to know that they were loved and thought of during our life time. I would also like them to know something about their great GP's too.

A sweeping generalisation that any GP choosing to leave their GC a memory box in their will hasn't fully considered the implications of doing so is wrong, and extremely judgemental.

Photos will be in the memory box we leave our GC too Bridie. None will be left to our ES as I very much doubt he'd want them but our GC might, and if they don't they can be discarded.

"So all anyone can do is what feels best in their own situation in he context of their Estrangement and their grandchild" exactly Madgran.

Wow,distrust VS, but photo albums and heirlooms figure large in my memory box!

VS A potential thing to do instead would be to pass photo albums and heirlooms down

Yes that is another possibility.

Whatever is left might be thrown away but I suppose the one who has left it will never know anyway...

I wouldn't trust anyone who couldn't fully consider the implications of their actions with their grandchild, adult or not.

A potential thing to do instead would be to pass photo albums and heirlooms down as usual to the actual adult child and let the normal situation where they choose what to keep and pass on resume

Sending anything personal related to estrangement in any way may simply result in those things being thrown away

Give yourself the best chance of remaining as part of someone's heritage/history by keeping your feelings away from it

The child is who matters here are they not? Not either adult involved in the rift

I agree. The trouble is in this scenario (and each case will be different) it's a bit of a leap in the dark as to whether an adult grandchild will appreciate it or not. But the fact that they were estranged from their grandparent will always be part of their life experience. And the box puts another context to that for them to consider. It may be positive , it may be negative, it may be healing, it may not ..but it will be something and as an adult they will do whatever they do with it.

Equally nothing left by an estranged grandparent would also always be a part of their life ..negative, positive, hurtful, not hurtful ...and so on

So all anyone can do is what feels best in their own situation in the context of their Estrangement and their grandchild.

If it was me I probably wouldn't but I don't think that means it is necessarily wrong for someone else's grandchild

It does always surprise me in these threads then number of estranged grandparents who seem to believe , perhaps because it helps them, that their grandchildren whom they’ve never met will one day come
Looking for them desperate to know them and I wonder how often this turns out to be true. In my own experiences I have not seen it once, instead I’ve seen adult grandchildren contacted by the estranged grandparents irritated by the contact of these strangers claiming to be owed some sense of familial relationship - and it never seems to end the way so many thinki it will. Grandparents they’ve never met are rarely that significant of a concern to adults. Especially when they’ve a good relationship with their parents and a strong sense of family. Why would they be ? They are literal strangers.

Estranged grandparents can Leave the memory box and put it together if that brings comfort to oneself, I don’t think there’s any harm in it, at worst the intended person tosses it in the bin. A feeling of being able to “defend “
Ones side of the story if you will and paint yourself as whatever type of grandparent you wish you had been, but recognize that doing so is about your closure not theirs.

No but what we can do is evaluate whether we are truly putting someone else's needs first or whether an act is actually about our own needs

Sometimes that is hard to do from one perspective and other perspectives must be considered as potential outcomes to the child

The child is who matters here are they not? Not either adult involved in the rift

That's very true Bridie

Yes and even if it comes from a stranger Bridie a box "filled with living thoughts" is something that many I'm sure many appreciate.

With so much information available on line, it can be relatively simple for GC to find out about the GP's they never knew so if the time comes for them to find them, or receive a gift of a memory box left to them, they may not be the stranger to them they could have been.

We can never in life guarantee outcomes either in relationships or estrangement.

So therefore I am explaining the risks of such an engagement

For me those risks are too high

I would hope my grans hols would contact me then I would have a future relationship, not one contaminated by the past and my feelings at that time

Ladysuisei

@Madgran
Thanks for your help - I’ve been practicing!!
How ridiculous is this considering he’s my son but this is what it’s come to .
After I have seen him , I will pm you if that’s ok - let you know how I got on.

That's fine LadyS

Bridie22

VS you are assuming all memory boxes could be from a stranger, this is a broad statement, people of all ages are for whatever reasons estranged, and already have had a relationship with the person leaving the box...a box not always containing hurt feelings and sadness as you previously stated, but filled with loving thoughts.

Not in the instance of this thread, the baby has not even been born

And as previously said, your intentions do not guarantee a specific outcome

Did anyone expect their intentions in life to lead to estrangement?

VS you are assuming all memory boxes could be from a stranger, this is a broad statement, people of all ages are for whatever reasons estranged, and already have had a relationship with the person leaving the box...a box not always containing hurt feelings and sadness as you previously stated, but filled with loving thoughts.

@FM11
Thank you for your incredibly kind response. You really seem to understand what I have been going through and , more importantly the effort I’ve been making to try to make this right . When standing on the precipice of potential disaster ( which is what this feels like ) I would think it’s common to behave slightly desperately. I’m at the desperate stage at the moment. Yes I really hope I get the opportunity to be a loving nan

@Madgran
Thanks for your help - I’ve been practicing!!
How ridiculous is this considering he’s my son but this is what it’s come to .
After I have seen him , I will pm you if that’s ok - let you know how I got on.