Gifts to GC when estranged

@smiles that’s terrifying to suddenly find your AC being controlled. I don’t know if mine is or whether it suits him to be controlled by someone different. He’s told me I’ve always been controlling- this suited him at the time because I was caring and attending to his every whim . I just don’t get what’s going on in my life , but like you it seems to be spiralling out of control without me being able to much about it . I’m trying to take a step back but when you’re used to a certain way of life this is so difficult xxx

@maddyone yes I’m not interfering in the traditional sense of the word - it’s keeping in contact really. I never offer advice unless it’s asked for . With the “ why didn’t you tell me ?” Comment? Well what I actually meant was if I’d have known then I’d have understood how to react better. Not just asking why didn’t I know per se . I was really shocked to find out about a pregnancy which may be being lost ( wasn’t thank god) , but not being able to react appropriately was so hard . I had to manage so many different emotions all within the space of a few seconds which is hard . I been speaking to my sons best friend who I know really well , as did my late partner, and he’s going to let me know if my son is ok . I’m so worried about them both - I love his wife so much , I would never hurt her . Gosh this has become out of control without me being able to do anything about it and I’m so upset. I’m trying to take a step back but after our previous close relationship it’s very hard

I don't think had you 'interfered' it would have made any difference in a positive way maddy. It might even have made the situation worse, resulting in your D being put under more pressure leading to you being estranged.

Thank goodness that you've managed to maintain that relationship. What an unthinkable situation it would be for her to be in another country, in this upsetting and frightening situation, if she didn't have or didn't feel she had her mum and dad there for her.

Even if as a parent, if there are 'red flags' in your AC's relationship, the indoctrination happens over a period of time. A gradual drip feed of criticism and questioning of the person they're seeking to control and manipulate's family.

It's subtle, so subtle that the one being coercively controlled can't see it even if it's pointed out to them, and so subtle that often their family can't see it either, until it's too late.

Sometimes responses on Gransnet can be quite harsh, even nasty. I’ve read many posts over the years about how we should never interfere in our children’s adult lives, and essentially I agree with that, having had a mother who had a tendency to interfere and who said things out of turn. I took the advice partly because of my mother’s behaviour but also because, to quote Jane Austen ‘it is a universally held truth’ that mothers should not interfere. Now, given the situation that our daughter finds herself in, I wonder if we should have ‘interfered’ although it probably would have had little effect. When a woman (or indeed a man) is being controlled by their partner, they are unlikely to see the point of view of any other person until eventually they become aware themselves.
We don’t know if Ladysu’s son is being controlled, but from what I’ve read, it seems that the DiL has become upset over the remark why didn’t you tell me? I certainly had a lot more offensive remarks made to me by my mother, and indeed by my SiL whose supercilious behaviour was disliked by my two sons from the day they met him! I on the other hand, tried to be non judgmental and welcoming to a person who had the capacity to behave offensively from early after I met him. Ladysu I know nothing I can say will help, but try to take a step back. I’d keep the communication channels open with your son and try to offer the support of a mother to him, but do not engage in any arguments or judgemental comments at this stage. When baby arrives, ask interested questions, but offer no advice. Above all, be kind to yourself, things may very well easily change.

I hope she's reading this too Allsorts but unfortunately when especially a new poster receives unwarranted nasty replies, they rarely return to the thread they started and more often than not, don't return to GN.

It's not that difficult surely to be able to see the difference between someone who for very good reason has decided to estrange, and someone whose heartbroken because they've been estranged.

There does appear to be a propensity for those who have been estranged or fear estrangement, to be given a hard time. I've never understood why but it's usually the case and although I wish it would, I doubt it's going to change .

Yesterday a post was out up by a grandparent who had recently contacted her grown up grandchildren, estranged because of her son, but a couple of replies were awful and must have upset this lady. I do hope she's reading this and knows that they don't speak for us, she did nothing wrong was in fact just doing what we would all do. We don't choose estrangement neither do the children so why it's felt necessary to be cruel I don't know.

The removed comments were addressed to me and in addition there were unkind responses to Ladysu and other posters which is why GNHQ also felt it necessary to comment.

It's a pity that a posters fragility isn't always taken into account isn't it DL.

The removed comments weren't addressed to LadySuisei at all

Hope they weren't thought to be

Smileless2012

Unfortunately some of the responses were unkind which is why Ladysu has been understandably upset and GNHQ felt the need to comment.

Exactly why I went completely offline for a while. Forums can be great, but when you’re fragile, not always!

There’s always someone..🙄

Ladysuisei

I’ve read through this thread and I feel so sad . I know this will get me a bashing but as a prospective GM who has already been told I won’t be having a relationship with my GS I have terrible pangs of what I can almost describe as grief . At the very least, a cuddle blanket or a teddy would make me feel like he’s close to me . I realise I’m torturing myself here , but knowing this is being done out of spite is destroying me . The thought that the gift I’ve already chosen will never be touched or held by his little hand fills me with utter heartbreak. It’s almost a visceral need to know there’s a connection there between us . I’m missing him even though he’s not here yet which possibly sounds a bit mad . After all , any GP denied this relationship will understand that you begin to love them as soon as you’re aware of their existence even though they’re not even born . I love my grandson so much it hurts and by giving a small gift , I’d be creating a connection rather than doing something self- serving .
If this makes me a selfish , self- centred person then so be it . I bet anyone in my position if they were brutally honest would dearly love to be allowed to create a connection between the child and something cuddly to sleep with . I’m having a bad day - go easy x.

I think you need to wait and see. The child isn’t born yet. Things can change.

Look after yourself. Forums can be a great source of support - but they can also be the opposite. Not everyone is kind, it’s a complete mix.

As I’ve said elsewhere - you are in the middle of a partner/spousal bereavement.. That can be a pain like no other. You are ultra-sensitive.

Look after you and wait and see what happens with your son/grandchild.

Look to supportive people for support, whoever they are, and ignore the rest.

Best way.💐

Unfortunately some of the responses were unkind which is why Ladysu has been understandably upset and GNHQ felt the need to comment.

No one is saying anyone is anything

More that doing "that thing" might be

You are going through a hard time, step back, things will look different on a different day

Feelings muddy the waters, remember that disagreeing is not unkindness

@smiles yes all of a sudden it’s hit me today . As you say it comes in waves and, after all you would know this . I read some of the thread and I thought why can’t people be kind ? Yes everyone deserves to be treated with kindness but some of the comments were horrible.
No , I’m not self- centred ….im desperately wanting this connection. Just something to cuddle when he goes to sleep xxx

@VioletSky
Thank you - I’m feeling fragile and incredibly sad xx.

Everyone whose in pain and hurting deserves to be treated with kindness Ladysu and if anyone can't be kind, they should at the very least be civil.

I'm sorry you're struggling today. For a long time, the pain of our estrangement would come in waves sometimes unexpectedly and at the moment, you're struggling with the fear of being estranged, of the distinct possibility of never seeing your GS, as well as the fear of being estranged.

You're not selfish or self centred, you're just human.

Ladysuisei

Take a break, it's just different people and different opinions

Make sure you are resting and eating well

@smiles I’m disgusted by the nastiness on this thread . Some posters should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves and their comments. I for one , am struggling today and as a possible estranged GP ( well certainly from my grandchild anyway) I think all estranged GPs should be treated with kindness. This is truly a heartbreaking situation x.

Go easy please x.

I’ve read through this thread and I feel so sad . I know this will get me a bashing but as a prospective GM who has already been told I won’t be having a relationship with my GS I have terrible pangs of what I can almost describe as grief . At the very least, a cuddle blanket or a teddy would make me feel like he’s close to me . I realise I’m torturing myself here , but knowing this is being done out of spite is destroying me . The thought that the gift I’ve already chosen will never be touched or held by his little hand fills me with utter heartbreak. It’s almost a visceral need to know there’s a connection there between us . I’m missing him even though he’s not here yet which possibly sounds a bit mad . After all , any GP denied this relationship will understand that you begin to love them as soon as you’re aware of their existence even though they’re not even born . I love my grandson so much it hurts and by giving a small gift , I’d be creating a connection rather than doing something self- serving .
If this makes me a selfish , self- centred person then so be it . I bet anyone in my position if they were brutally honest would dearly love to be allowed to create a connection between the child and something cuddly to sleep with . I’m having a bad day - go easy x.

Allsorts

How nice to see you back DL

Thank you. I’ve been offline a while to get my head straight, but it’s nice to be back. Hope you’re well 💐

How nice to see you back DL

@Diamondlily yes emotions of all sorts are still running high . I do feel incredibly unsettled in general but I’m beginning to realise that I need to step back from my son . I haven’t processed my loss yet . I’m still in shock actually as it was extremely sudden and unexpected. The issue with housing is that I’ve moved out from the rental which I shared with my partner into a flat that’s turned out to be unsuitable. The area isn’t good and I don’t feel safe . If I could get my anxiety under control I’d be able to consider driving again. I’d take a refresher course and this could solve a lot of problems for me . I did enjoy driving and I was confident behind the wheel. I wonder if I could consider this again. For a number of years my partner did all the driving , something else which we never thought would be an issue until his sudden death . I can easily get taxis , that’s not a problem and my sister helps me out too . I have friends who will come to visit me so I’m not totally isolated and I think when you’re renting it’s easier to change your living situation than if you’ve a house to sell .
I do feel that my AS and his wife had unrealistic expectations of my grieving experience. They are young enough to believe this will never affect them and they’ve probably been shocked by just how my emotions have taken a battering . I would have expected compassion though with a bit more understanding, rather than nastiness and cruelty .

I hope you are doing ok and I wish you all the best too

Ladysuisei

@DiamondLily you’re right I need to break away a bit from my son and his wife . Because of my severe anxiety I do find it difficult to go out with people I don’t know very well. When I move ( 🤞) it’s a bit more isolated so I fear this new place might be my new prison .
I know my late partner’s ashes are none of my son’s business but you quite rightly say he’s pulling my strings . He knows how guilty I’ll be feeling, but he won’t care .
I’m slowly taking a step back , but finding this difficult. I know I’ve relied on him , but that’s what we used to do x.

Being on the same position as you, with regard to recently losing my DH, I think you need to accept that all of your emotions are heightened.

Anger, stress, grief, anxiety are all amplified. Added stress on top of loss just adds to the fray.

You’re moving house, which is stress at the best of times. I’ve not moved, only reorganised, and it’s left me in tears more than once.

I’ve got family stress going on at the moment. Not with my kids, with the ex of my GS. She’s made our lives a misery at times, with a baby caught in the middle.

But, I’ve learned, with her, not to fly into one. I just respond, legally, to her nonsense. Different scenario to you, of course, but she’s not pulling my strings.

If you’re sure the move will be good for you, then go for it. If it’s isolated, think to the future, if you can’t drive.

The one thing I have learned, over the year, is that people around is a distraction from the loss.

It doesn’t have to be family - it can be friends or neighbours. It can also be online or over the phone.

Just try and stand back from your son’s carry on, and concentrate on you.

Best wishes. 💐

@smiles yes , without my beloved partner by my side everything in life is so difficult. Making decisions about lots of things becomes insurmountable on your own after being with someone for 20 years . All I know is this situation would be bearable with my partner because I’d simply walk away fro my AS and my GC until they all came to their senses

So much of your life has changed in just over a year Ladysu, it's a lot to have to process. The current situation with your son would be heart breakingly difficult to deal with if you still had your partner at your side. So much more difficult to face alone .