Gifts to GC when estranged

And I also said it would be ok to leave simple photos and heirlooms to the grandchild, would you like me to show you?

VioletSky

I wouldn't trust anyone who couldn't fully consider the implications of their actions with their grandchild, adult or not.

A potential thing to do instead would be to pass photo albums and heirlooms down as usual to the actual adult child and let the normal situation where they choose what to keep and pass on resume

Sending anything personal related to estrangement in any way may simply result in those things being thrown away

Give yourself the best chance of remaining as part of someone's heritage/history by keeping your feelings away from it

Nope, it's all there, this comment is from page 3

VioletSky

Why?

People want to send something to their grandchildren that helps them be remembered fondly and doesn't negatively impact the grandchild

There are people who read these threads who will find that helpful

Are you saying this now just to be provocative? You have said many times that grandparents should not send memory boxes to their grandchildren because it would be harmful- and suddenly you say it is ok! People have been very upset by your remarks over the past few days.
I hope you won't be offended by this but I do wonder if your autism (which you often mention) affects your ability to think rationally

Why?

People want to send something to their grandchildren that helps them be remembered fondly and doesn't negatively impact the grandchild

There are people who read these threads who will find that helpful

For what it is worth VS, does it not enter your head other people maybe upset by your comments!!

I don't see a need to remove the thread, I'm not upset by any of the comments about me for what it is worth

It may prompt GNHQ to take a look and put a comment on to remind posters to 'play nice' Madgran although it shouldn't be necessary should it.

Bridie22

I have asked for the thread to be removed, the decision is up to GN headquarters.

In some ways it would be a shame Bridie as the differing views clearly articulated and explained can potentially be really helpful to people considering the best way forward in their situation and their family situation.

As you say, for GN to decide 😏

It's a shame when threads descend into nastiness isn't it Bridie but it's not the first time this has happened on the estrangement forum and I don't suppose it will be the last.

There have been some interesting and well articulated posts which stand out against the unnecessarily judgemental and unpleasant ones. IMO the argument is lost as soon as someone makes it personal, making up their version of someone else's experience because what's actually happened, doesn't fit their agenda.

As someone who only joined GN about two weeks ago Ladysu no wonder you've been horrified at some of the responses. You were as you say, "innocently exploring what people thought and did when they are prevented from having contact with their GC" because you've been told this will be the case for you.

Unfortunately for some, there's no such thing as an innocent EP/EGP and there's no such thing as an EGP who just wants to leave something for their EGC, so they know they were loved by them.

On the contrary, we want to put them on a guilt trip, create division between them and their parents and don't care about their feelings.

I don't, and don't have to "stand and huff on about how close (we) were" Grams2five because we were and regardless of what our ES has said and done he knows we were, and no amount of rewriting and/or fabricating the past is going to eradicate that fact.

I agree eddie it is sad reflection on society, and I also think it's a very sad reflection on those on this thread who insult those of us who are estranged, especially anyone who does so and claims that they're trying to help.

I have asked for the thread to be removed, the decision is up to GN headquarters.

One last thing I meant to add - as parents and GP’s we all make mistakes nobody is perfect. Certainly plenty of AC make mistakes too .
It’s important to remember this when replying to any post .

@Bridie22
I have been reading this thread with horror. You are correct in saying it’s descended into nasty, vitriolic and to me some really upsetting comments. When I started the thread as the OP, I was innocently exploring what people thought and did when they are prevented from having contact with their GC. I’m facing this prospect. I’m niaive I suppose and thought people would have a genuine exchange of ideas , not start debating various types of abuse that could be caused by something as innocent as a memory box . I’m looking to do something out of love , not to cause distress. I won’t read this any more because I’m taken aback by certain individuals’ views and how they express them . The thread is about gifts , given with love , always ever intended to be given for the right reasons and given in an appropriate way .

I am so upset it has descended into a chaotic argument. I wish certain individuals had the capacity for kindness towards GP’s who , through NO FAULT OF THEIR OWN , certainly nothing as serious as any form of abuse, are denied contact with their GC because their AC have chosen estrangement for whatever reason . This reason is often simply one of spite and has nothing to do with abuse . I’m on here to get advice from fellow GP’s in my situation, in order to try to salvage the relationship with my lovely son and his wife . I would give anything for this to happen ( well within reason) . I have made mistakes, as have my son and his wife , but I am happy to learn from them and hope to move forward. I think a lot of these replies are totally mean and unnecessary.
This is a comment that doesn’t need any reply please, because it’s not a discussion I want to be part of.

Grans2five it's a sad reflection on society if the current generation are so selfish that they think it acceptable to estrange someone who has cared for them for many years just because they are a bit annoying! In some cultures older people are respected just for being parents - according to you they should be dumped for no real reason. Who would care for the elderly and infirm, and for many children for that matter, if we all acted so selfishly?

Gram2five... nasty post, not necessary, this thread needs removing it is getting nasty, controlling and personally insulting.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

I will defend my right to say that there is a potential negative outcome to the grandchild

I have said that I understand that point you are making several times VS but I'm not sure if you have noticed my acknowledgements of that.

I have also said that in my opinion, depending on the circumstances, I think there is a potential negative outcome in not doing it, for the grandchild.

So we won't agree on this one but as I said previously, hopefully others will find the differing viewpoints useful in deciding what they wish to do/not do.

March

I know, which is why I said some

*Sorry, you’re wrong.
Statistics bear me out. Most abuse comes from parents and/or step parents. You may not like it, but it’s true*

Ok March; sorry if my comment came over wrong. I was just thinking about how your point applies more widely which I think is worth consideration possibly for some people reading depending on their circumstances.

VioletSky

Madgran please could you engage in the actual conversation and what people are actually saying instead of pulling up or correcting unnecessarily

I'm genuinely not sure what I have said that you have read as "correcting unnecessarily".

I'm not correcting atall; people are entitled to their opinions and it is most definitely not my right to "correct" anyone . I'm just putting over my own opinion which sometimes differs completely and sometimes agrees with what has been said but I think extends wider than the point someone has made.

Thank you

I'm not engaging with you on this thread anymore VS it's a waste of time.

I have not assigned motive to anyone else, I have clearly stated that good intentions do not ensure a positive outcome. Would you like me to quote the many times I said it?

Shall I also quote the many times I have been told that my own estrangement means that I my opinions are somehow skewed of otherwise means I must have bad intent here?

I don't

I will defend my right to say that there is a potential negative outcome to the grandchild against unfair means of dismissing me

But you're the one constantly making untrue comments VS hence this thread becoming more about those on the receiving end feeling the need to defend themselves.

"Given that absolutely no one has any right to assign motivation, thought or intention to anyone else" so stop doing it then.

The real issue here is that my engagement in this thread has now become less about explaining a potential issue that protects both the grandparent and grandchild and more about defending against untrue comments

Given that absolutely no one has any right to assign motivation, thought or intention to anyone else. I have absolutely no need to put up with that...

So I will simply keep going until it stops

Oh I think my replies are a very good reflection on me VS but I can't say the same for how yours reflect on you.

If you just send the photos and heirlooms as a memory box, that is something that may very well be kept and cherished.

Putting anything in that highlights the estrangement in any way... It's just a bad idea