Gifts to GC when estranged

@AmberSpyGlass yes I’m taking a step back before I say anything particularly to my AS . That worked last weekend. We’ve had an awful lot to contend with this last year - it’s been difficult not to react badly. When my partner was alive , he would communicate for me in difficult situations- now I’ve got just me ! I’m work in progress. I’m handling my AS better and I’m learning that stepping back from a situation is helping. So it’s more practice I guess .

That sounds really positive. I guess it comes down to the fact that you can’t control how you feel, but you can control how you act.

@AmberSpyGlass when you have BpD , you don’t actually make a conscious choice as to who your FP will be . It seems very difficult for people to understand? Gravitating towards someone who you trust and feel safe with us probably more apt . Whatever description you choose anyway , it’s very hard not having a central person in your life . I haven’t consciously made my sin FP , in fact he’s not exactly my FP at the moment given he’s being so off with me . If I do become estranged or less contact or whatever, he definitely won’t be then . I fully accept that I’ve subconsciously wanted more from him than he felt able to give - hence our strained relationship at the moment. We are working things through though and life is returning to something slightly more normal. I’m backing right off actually.

I have asked on other rambling ranting threads please, please, Ladysuisei get help from a professional. Your poor son is doing his best in difficult circumstances. Have you seen your GP? Have they referred you? There is also Mind that you could contact. This is for you, your son and his family. He may think it unhealthy to have you around his son when he is born, so please get this help.

That’s horrible, and I am very sorry. I meant your describing a favourite person as an “essential component”, when in fact it’s a symptom. You can’t let that transfer to your son, it isn’t fair on him and it will damage your relationship significantly.

@AmberSpyGlass yea my relationship with my FP has definitely been diluted with the sudden death of him . Smashed to smithereens more like .

@Ambersyglass
How do you suppose the BPD person deals with the abrupt removal from their life of their FP by death ? Notice this shocking and unpredictable happening is not mentioned in this paper . It addresses the wants and needs from the perspective of the FP who chooses to walk away or is driven away and the effect on the borderline. How would you you consider the ultimate “ abandonment “ that is sudden death impacting on someone with BPD in context of this paper ?
Do you suggest a bereaved person ( well me in this case ) is using the loss of her FP as an excuse for something? For what exactly? What am I using the death of my partner as an excuse for ? Feel free to be honest .

AmberSpyglass

But surely an essential component of treatment for BPD is diluting (for want of a better word) that FP relationship? It’s a lot to put on a person.

A ‘favourite person’ is advised to set realistic boundaries.

That is of course if they are aware that they are the FD of someone with BPD and look into their own therapy or research.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9806505/

This is an interesting paper

But surely an essential component of treatment for BPD is diluting (for want of a better word) that FP relationship? It’s a lot to put on a person.

@Summerlove you’re welcome- I’m currently all over the place I’m afraid xx

@DiamondLiliy sorry I didn’t word that quite right .
What I meant to say was that within the context of having BPD , your Favourite Person is this. Interestingly FP doesn’t necessarily end up being your partner! In my case he was . Now FP is vital to us borderlines so at the moment I don’t have a FP so my son has turned out to be my FP . My AS is familiar with this sort of thing as his wife also has BPD , although I don’t know how badly it impacts her life . He would have a very difficult time being FP for me and his wife . All a bit complicated isn’t it , but FP is an essential component in this disorder . You’re not substituting the relationship as such , but the concept . Hope this makes sense ! xx

Ladysuisei

@Summerlove I’m sorry just a bit over sensitive at the moment. Good old BPD and anxiety!
Surprisingly I’m actually a friend of my DIL’s mum x

I appreciate your apology. Thank you.

@Summerlove I’m sorry just a bit over sensitive at the moment. Good old BPD and anxiety!
Surprisingly I’m actually a friend of my DIL’s mum x

Just because the ‘favourite person’ concept is widely accepted as a part of BPD doesn’t make it a healthy habit. I’d stop using it as excuse if I were you.

For anyone unaware of “favourite person” and BPD, I found this first person account summed it up well. Obviously this does not apply to everyone.

themighty.com/topic/borderline-personality-disorder/having-bpd-and-losing-your-favorite-person/

Ladysuisei

@Summerlove you’ve made an awful lot of assumptions there !
I keep in touch with my DIL’s mum because surprisingly we are friends . I really was not annoyed to find out about the pregnancy at 11 weeks - I think her mum could have taken me to a quiet place in A&E to tell me though .
How do you know what I feel about DBT ? I haven’t actually said whether or not I’ve already received this type of therapy!!
Sometimes therapeutic intervention doesn’t just magic your symptoms away you know . BPD is such a complex condition- you lose the person you love most in this world who also happens to be your Favourite Person ( FP) and you are immediately back to square one . Do you understand the concept of abandonment/ or loss of FP in the context of a serious mood disorder?

My suggestions were meant kindly and based on what you have posted across threads.

I was trying to be kind, I’m sorry that seemed to rub you the wrong way.

You are correct about assumptions though, which is why I said words like “seems” and “appears”.

I realize therapy isn’t magic, but it does help in most cases of clients are willing to do the work. I’m well versed in how it works. As a result of that you’ll notice I did not use absolutes in my phrasing to you.

I’m sorry that my advice was not taken with the spirit I sincerely tried to send.

I wish you well.

@Summerlove you’ve made an awful lot of assumptions there !
I keep in touch with my DIL’s mum because surprisingly we are friends . I really was not annoyed to find out about the pregnancy at 11 weeks - I think her mum could have taken me to a quiet place in A&E to tell me though .
How do you know what I feel about DBT ? I haven’t actually said whether or not I’ve already received this type of therapy!!
Sometimes therapeutic intervention doesn’t just magic your symptoms away you know . BPD is such a complex condition- you lose the person you love most in this world who also happens to be your Favourite Person ( FP) and you are immediately back to square one . Do you understand the concept of abandonment/ or loss of FP in the context of a serious mood disorder?

Some people enjoy cooking and taking care of their family. It's an expression of love. Let him love his family his way

Septimia

It's really sad when that happens.

It's been said before - buy birthday cards for your GS, write them and keep them. Say in them how much you love him despite not being able to spend time with him.

Each birthday and Christmas - or more often if you wish - quietly put into a bank account the money you would have spent on a present. Arrange that he can access this when he's adult and his parents have no say. If you can, try to organise it so that this arrangement doesn't antagonise his parents.

You could also put together a book of photos and stories about your side of the family. Put it with the birthday cards so that he knows you remembered him.

With any luck, circumstances will change long before he grows up.

I would add - put those letters and cards into a bank vault and give instructions how to access them when he's an adult.

@VioletSky yes I’m proud to see how he’s throwing himself into the whole family thing , I just worry about him that’s all . He works incredibly hard and normally his job alone would see him pretty wiped out by Friday evening!

Ladysuisei

@SingoTime well obviously I’m not sharing my opinion on the situation with my son , but I’m seeing him weekly and actually he looks dreadful. Really stressed and tired . You know that yesterday we had a much better time , so none of the stress came from his interaction with me . If he’s feeling guilty and / or stressed by what’s been going on between us , he’s had ample time to tell me what’s wrong. He’s never once told me to back off - he says very little. I’ve chosen to back right off in response to his behaviour towards me . I realise that , possibly ( probably) I’ve confused his role with that of my partner and I’ve expected more than he ought to be giving , emotionally which I regret . This wont happen again because I’ve recognised it for myself.
I have to “ manage “ my own grief in my own way , which is proving to be so difficult but has to be done . Actually at the beginning, I thought me and my AS would grieve together- after all he’d lost the man who had been his stepdad for 20 years . Or 2 thirds of his life . My partner and my son shared a close relationship. This closeness would be less for my DIL of course but she’s been part of our family for 13 years and she was a great source of comfort to me in the aftermath of my DP’s death . She identified his body - something I was not capable of doing and I will always be so grateful for her calm presence at this time .
I am very aware how times have changed in 30 years - when my son was born , the whole family rallied around and it was lovely.

No adult child can take the place of your spouse/partner. They are totally different relationships.

I don’t know why your son is so stressed about two fairly normal events (pregnancy and working), but he must have his own reasons.

But, yes, you do need to manage your own grief. Theres nothing stopping you contacting friends/other family etc for support though.🙂

@Grams2Five you really don’t seem to understand that I fully accept the fact that my DIL’s mum will be on hand straight away . I always expected this . I chose to make my MiL feel included from the off , particularly as the birth was so high risk . She was understandably worried and to have excluded her would have been really mean . I’m not a mean person!

@DismondLily no I don’t understand why he’s quite as stressed as he is . It puzzles me because as you say , everything he’s going through are normal things xxx

@SingoTime well obviously I’m not sharing my opinion on the situation with my son , but I’m seeing him weekly and actually he looks dreadful. Really stressed and tired . You know that yesterday we had a much better time , so none of the stress came from his interaction with me . If he’s feeling guilty and / or stressed by what’s been going on between us , he’s had ample time to tell me what’s wrong. He’s never once told me to back off - he says very little. I’ve chosen to back right off in response to his behaviour towards me . I realise that , possibly ( probably) I’ve confused his role with that of my partner and I’ve expected more than he ought to be giving , emotionally which I regret . This wont happen again because I’ve recognised it for myself.
I have to “ manage “ my own grief in my own way , which is proving to be so difficult but has to be done . Actually at the beginning, I thought me and my AS would grieve together- after all he’d lost the man who had been his stepdad for 20 years . Or 2 thirds of his life . My partner and my son shared a close relationship. This closeness would be less for my DIL of course but she’s been part of our family for 13 years and she was a great source of comfort to me in the aftermath of my DP’s death . She identified his body - something I was not capable of doing and I will always be so grateful for her calm presence at this time .
I am very aware how times have changed in 30 years - when my son was born , the whole family rallied around and it was lovely.

No, I wouldn’t keep score. Even in the happiest of families, new mums tend to gravitate towards their own mums. Perfectly normal.

I do understand that the son has a pregnant wife, a job, and a widowed parent, all of which can cause worry, but I’m not sure why it’s all stressing him quite so much.

These are all normal events.🤔