How to tell someone life is too short ?

You need to stop trying to control the situation and let whatever happens, happen. There’s no reason this should be a permanent falling out, but a lot of it will hinge on your response - least said, soonest mended.

&VioletSky
You are the first to label verbal abuse as abuse per se , so I think you understand what I mean . I will put that to one side for the time being though .
If an unknown man ( or any man come to that ) was using the language he uses , in the tone he uses , in such a threatening manner as he uses then I am sure I will have grounds to report this to the police .
I choose not to because I realise this isn’t how he normally is .
It is sadly learned behaviour- my AS’s father was a violent and abusive drunk and it is becoming obvious that my son did , in fact , see more than I ever realised.

I am fully conversant with all the necessary organisations, including Women’s Aid , so I don’t need a list .

To save you putting anything aside , maybe you can point me to the specifics which indicate my reluctance to accept responsibility for my actions . Thanks

Ladysuisei

@SeaWoozle thank you for your kindness and some positive advice here . It’s very hard to get the words correct particularly when emotions are running so high , so writing a letter is a good suggestion.
Unfortunately this topic has attracted the worst in some people- I really wonder why I come on here in the first place. People seem unable to be kind and decent, I mean some people. These largely appear to be those who have estranged as opposed to those of us on here on the receiving end of estrangement. I’m new to this , given until recently I had a great relationship with my son and his wife . I’m just trying to prevent a full estrangement happening, as I genuinely believe that this can be resolved .

Thank you for your kindness regarding my partner too . I think so many on here who haven’t experienced this painful and unique loss will have a major shock in store when they finally do . I miss his wisdom, his kindness and most of all I miss having someone to share painful experiences like this with .

I was a young widower with my first husband. If everyone who experienced a massive loss used it as an excuse to justify persistently selfish behaviour, the world would be in much worse shape. Compassion for others isn't impossible after a loss. I've also had a late miscarriage. I imagine most of my relationships would be on the brink of estrangement if I used it as an excuse to act so unkindly as you have. I think psychotherapy would be a better option for you right now than trying to convince your son and DIL to do away with their boundaries. You do not seem to be an emotionally safe person right now. Trauma can do that. Focus on healing inside.

www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/health-wellbeing/relationships-family/protection-from-abuse/#:~:text=call%20the%20Age%20UK%20Advice,8141%20or%20visit%20their%20website.

Please talk to them

Ladysuisei

@VioletSky no matter what you say , there’s no reason why a 6”4 man ( my AS) should use intimidation and abuse towards his mother . You speak so often about your so - called suffering at the hands of a narcissistic abuser , yet here you are advocating violence towards a female!
You have immediately invalidated ANY further argument against abuse .
That’s disgraceful.

This is a horrific and uncivil post. In no way did she advocate violence. Dismissing her abuse the way you did, I am sorry but I think your son and DIL would be wise to stay low or no contact. Your lack of compassion is disgraceful.

@SeaWoozle thank you for your kindness and some positive advice here . It’s very hard to get the words correct particularly when emotions are running so high , so writing a letter is a good suggestion.
Unfortunately this topic has attracted the worst in some people- I really wonder why I come on here in the first place. People seem unable to be kind and decent, I mean some people. These largely appear to be those who have estranged as opposed to those of us on here on the receiving end of estrangement. I’m new to this , given until recently I had a great relationship with my son and his wife . I’m just trying to prevent a full estrangement happening, as I genuinely believe that this can be resolved .

Thank you for your kindness regarding my partner too . I think so many on here who haven’t experienced this painful and unique loss will have a major shock in store when they finally do . I miss his wisdom, his kindness and most of all I miss having someone to share painful experiences like this with .

LadySuisei I am deeply concerned about you and your inability to hear any fault you can claim here but I am putting that aside now

You have never mentioned violence until now and I will take that seriously. Please report it to the police and I will report your comment to gransnet so they can also reach out and offer you support. I will also post links for you shortly to organisations that can help you

Ladysuisei

@VioletSky no matter what you say , there’s no reason why a 6”4 man ( my AS) should use intimidation and abuse towards his mother . You speak so often about your so - called suffering at the hands of a narcissistic abuser , yet here you are advocating violence towards a female!
You have immediately invalidated ANY further argument against abuse .
That’s disgraceful.

I think is enough is enough now!
“So called abuse”
That really is disgraceful.
I am now going to just come out and say it straight.
I think you are showing signs of narcissistic behaviour.

Disagreement is not abuse. You came to the internet for opinions. What you expected was an echo chamber. If you love and respect your son and Dil, then respect their boundaries. You are not a victim in every single scenario where people do not adopt your view. The only selfishness I see here is coming from you and your inability to see beyond your own feelings. You keep trying to demonize DILs. Your son will choose his wife over you. I can't reconcile the idea of you caring about their feelings with most of what you post. Too many uncaring dismissals and contradictions. Just go for peace. Respect their boundaries. They do not want to hear a lecture from you about life being too short. You know this, yet because you want it I am sure you will attempt it. You will not have success because such a lecture at this point will be tone deaf and validate their position of minimal to no contact with you.

A victim of one's own selfishness indeed.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

@Hithere
Gosh a tirade of abuse to rival that of @SingctoTime
I was given the advice by someone experienced in mental health ( Mind) to point out life is too short. It is indeed too short for things to be allowed to get out of proportion .
Honestly what is wrong with people like you - obviously buying into a throwaway society which extends as far as to people. To caring mothers ( that’s me btw) who thinks the world of her son and his wife . Where have I said I don’t approve of his wife - I love her dearly. We’ve shared some great times together. The issues started when she became pregnant although st the time I wasn’t aware she was . The reason for using the specific phrase life’s too short is that from bitter experience I know this to be true . When my beloved partner walked into the gp surgery on the 16th of January 2023 , to get his shoulder looked at following a fall , I never expected to receive the news that he’d suddenly collapsed and died immediately. Age 59 . Yes his life was cut short and thankfully, we were loving with each other and very happy right up until he took his last breath. Can you imagine how I’d feel if we’d have been on bad terms on that day .
I wouldn’t want to live with the regret and guilt and I know my son and wife are hurting at this moment in time . My son has told me he doesn’t like what’s going on , making it even more difficult to understand. So forgive me for wondering, forgive me for trying any way possible to put things right , but I know there are 3 people hurting unnecessarily here.
Obviously rejection is painful , especially at the hands of a previously loving son who gave no indication this was on the horizon.
Shame on all you cruel People ( mainly DIL’s) who casually throw away loving concerned parents, because of your own selfish needs for validation, boundaries etc etc.
Parents have needs for these things too . I’d love for my feelings to be validated . In the past I would have welcomed healthy boundaries in place - I happened to be busy putting my son first .
Sadly the selfishness of certain individuals on here knows no bounds . Needless to say , anyone who has been abused by a parent would be well advised to estrange them, however I don’t believe anyone on this thread can look in the mirror and fell themselves in all honesty that they are victims of abuse .
Victims of their own selfishness would be more accurate.

LadySuisei

You don't convey that to him, the advice was to you! You are the one who needs to apologise here and stop making every molehill a mountain

Stop focusing on the language he used towards you! Focus on the feelings behind it!

Sincerely, you are harming your relationship because you can't see past your feelings but other people have needs and feelings too and they are separate to you, their feelings just as real

Please get some help to not destroy this relationship... Most of the time, when people feel forced to walk away, they don't come back

Take or leave what I have to say, but I am sincerely trying to help.

I have read your posts and find some of what you say to be very frustrating from an AC perspective. I am writing this sincerely because I didn't want my relationship with my mom to end, but I chose to do it anyway. Some here find that to be a cruel decision but I really am only trying to give myself space to heal and feel safe. If someone had talked to my mom maybe she would have made different decisions. I don't want those regrets for you and your son.

I really don't think any of what you've said will help the situation. First, I think you should work on how you think about his partner. I know you're convinced she is controlling him. Maybe she is. But to them, you won't come out looking like a concerned mother to them. If you've miscalculated and he is very happy in his relationship, this will lead to your estrangement. They are having a child, and I hope you can objectively see that they want to protect their child. I'm positive you wouldn't harm the child but as new parents you need to understand that if you don't feel safe to both of them, they won't want to bring the baby around. You must feel safe to his spouse as well.

If she is problematic, that will come out in time. Your son will not feel safe to come to you for support if something happens there and he knows you don't like her. Adult children can be very sensitive about their parents acceptance of their life choices, and choice of partner is a big one. If he has to choose between you and his wife and child, I don't like your odds. So don't make him choose.

As for saying he hasn't experienced real hardship or trauma, please please dont say that. He won't agree and it will not mend the relationship. Regardless of the truth of the matter, this is not an argument that builds bridges. My mother has said this to me. It was inaccurate, but also massively hurtful.

Finally, I will say that as an estranged adult child, I have heard "life is too short" and it doesn't have the effect you think it might. I agree, but I feel that life is too short to go around in circles with someone who doesn't listen to your perspective or see your own struggles. This will not be new to them, and will sound like a dismissive platitude. It might help how you perceived the situation but you can't force that realization onto someone. Keep it for yourself and your own healing. Your son would come away from these discussions feeling misunderstood and belittled which I can see is not what you want. That will happen. I promise you.

My best advice is to press pause. Deal with yourself and your own grief (as you are) and be polite to your son, ask after his partner's health (and only her health), and then stick to safe topics. If you do this and don't try to convince him of anything, I do think he will come around after they've settled in with the child. Madgrans advice from earlier was spot on with how to handle those conversations that go bad. Polite distance and nothing that could be perceived as manipulation.

I understand the rejection is painful. It will get better with time. But please don't feel like you can talk him into your side because it won't work. I don't say it to be mean or judgemental. I really think if you back away from a stance that anyone is right/wrong/at fault/controlling in this situation and instead think "I want to mend this relationship" that will help. The relationship may not shake out to look like exactly what you wanted, but if your son sees the relationship dynamic can change he will come around.

That's all I'm going to say. All the advice is meant sincerely and it's what I would have wanted someone to tell my mother. Unfortunately, she wouldn't have changed. But you're not her so I thought I would give it one more go.

Anyone with some snarky clap back ready can keep it to themselves because i won't read it. I'm posting in this thread only to offer help and now I'm gone.

I sympathise with your feelings of stress and anxiety as you come to terms with bereavement.

I expect your son and his wife have struggles of their own as they adjust to the prospect of parenthood. For them, having to deal with your emotional problems at the same time may be "doing their heads in", as they say. Your DiL in particular may feel the need to protect herself from the stressful feedback from her husband and MiL until her baby arrives and she has established a routine.

I don't think the young couple will appreciate a "life is too short" lecture at this stage in their lives, but it is good guidance for yourself. Try to enjoy the contact you do have with your son and not catastrophise too much over the future. Good luck.

I fear the estrangement will be a self-fulfilling prophecy in this case. OP is literally manifesting it, which is a shame because it seems so incredibly avoidable here. Life is too short indeed.

Op

You are approaching all of this wrong

As if your son needs to wake up and stop this nonsense

As if he is responsible for your mental health

As if the trauma in his lifetime is not real but yours is

He is still giving you a chance of a relationship. One day, he may realize you are unable of retrospection and improvements on your side and cut you off

Life is too short for unnecessary drama like this and DNA is not a jail free card

Wake up

Curious, was the advice to convince your son that 'life is too short', or was it simply a statement? It's incredibly forceful to keep bringing up ways to circumvent someone else's boundaries. It sends the message that you will not respect their need for space on the issue because your wants are more important than theirs. It says that you know better than they do what they need. Not sure how such an approach could possibly be viewed positively. I think the best route to peace is to simply take your weekly visits with your son and avoid initiating discussions that you know will anger or upset him. It's the most rational course of action until tensions cool. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is irrational. Why not try a different approach--respect for their boundaries? Estrangements are not avoided when one party regularly tries to convince the other that their boundaries are wrong.

Your son is still seeing you, as is his right. Your DIL is choosing not to, as is her right. It would be better for you to respect those facts, rather than speculating baselessly.

Comparing your relationship to your DIL's mother does nothing positive here. You are not the same people. They don't have the same issues with her as they do with you. Her mother appears to be her source of comfort and support based on your posts. You are not that for the young couple at the moment. That's not a bad thing. Relationships are different. There is nothing sinister about it. Comparison is the thief of joy.

Make the most of your weekly visits with your son by avoiding initiating emotionally charged discussions.

First of all, I'm really sorry for what's happened. For the loss of your partner and also the difficulties with your son.

Is it possible to write him a letter to tell him how you feel? Just as you've told everyone here (except maybe the bit about DIL mother)? How you're still grieving for your partner and you're grieving for the potential loss of the relationship with your son? It's hard to come up with the words sometimes in the moment and before you know it, everyone has exploded at the unintentioned meanings behind things and you're back to square one.
Life is indeed too short. But, you can only help those who want to help themselves and who are strong enough and brave enough to put their own feelings/considerations first, without being swayed by those around them.
The best that you can do is to tell your son, whichever way that might be, just how you're feeling, how much you love him and let the rest ride with him. You can't make him change his mind and maybe in time, if you've planted the seed and he's had time to consider, he'll come round to realising that this had all got blown out of proportion and you are actually an amazing human who wants to be in his life.