How to tell someone life is too short ?

Ladysuisei

@Norah considering my partner was my son’s stepdad for 20 years ( 2 3rds of his life ) I believe it has got something to do with him . Or do you think this doesn’t matter ?

I believe you're misunderstanding what I wrote, perhaps I was not clear. your partner's passing is really not about them either. Perhaps, try to keep yourself/your problems separate to them?

I imagine your partner passing is not really all about son and dil. Your partner passing did matter to son, but not the way you think appropriate.

They are a totally separate family unit to you. Different problems and impacts. Not your potential miscarriage, not their partner death.

Ladysuisei

@GG65
Yes BPD is recognised as the most painful disorder for the sufferer. Someone mentioned ( @Sago ) although I won’t dignify her with a response, that I’ve only just mentioned my mental illness and therefore should not be believed! How rude is that . Nobody is obliged to divulge sensitive medical information on a forum- but after a lot of consideration I decided it was relevant.
Yes my BPD has worsened greatly since losing the man I love. As well as losing him , my hopes and dreams and my future, I am constantly anxious and fearful . I have lost my Favourite Person a concept unique to BPD . I’m now feeling constantly empty without this figure and probably have inadvertently replaced my son as my new FP . It’s very complicated- now I feel abandoned by him , another unique feature of BPD . Yes it really is the gift that keeps on giving . This affliction was bad enough when my love was alive but I’m permanently hurting these days . Living alone is torturous for many reasons. . I. Fact I’m staying with my dad until I hopefully move to yet another flat to try .
DBT might be of limited value given they only do group work on the NHS these days .
Life is very hard suffice to say .

I’ve heard BPD referred to as being “ like a turtle without a shell”.

DBT might be of limited value given they only do group work on the NHS these days

Have you tried DBT in group before? It can work well for some people in a group setting, however, it’s not for everyone. I know that in Scotland DBT is offered in group, one to one and access is given to a telephone service, Monday to Friday. If you are in England or Wales, it might be worth checking with your GP what services are currently available in your area. Unfortunately, mental health services are shamefully underfunded.

You seem to have a strategy in place for dealing with your current situation, which is definitely the way forward. I don’t mean to keep banging on about DBT, especially if you’ve already given it a try, but it doesn’t sound like you have much support since your partner’s passing and getting in touch with your GP regarding your current situation and how you are feeling, may be a step in the right direction and getting you the support that you need.

I’ve pasted an NHS link below.

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/treatment/

I wish you all the best Ladysuisei.

The discussion does seem to be going around in ever decreasing circles Ladysu. You need to draw strength from what was achieved last Sunday and build on that.

@madgran yes you are right . I don’t want angst I want to build on the calm strategy of last weekend. I’ve got no interest in continuing this discussion, which is proving to be tedious and not actually getting anywhere.
I was feeling a sense of achievement last Sunday and hopefully, one day we can build on the calm discussion to include my DIL . I really miss her actually so I very much hope this is the case . Thank you xx

Ladysu You have found a strategy that seems to be working for you and your son to communicate more calmly even though only about more general things. As I have suggested previously if you continue to step back from the angst; to really listen to him etc then hopefully there will come a point where you and your son can usefully discuss his concerns and those of your DiL. You managed to maintain calm in your last interaction and let your son take the lead and that was a real achievement as it is obviously not an easy thing for you to do.

In the light of all the above can I suggest that you consider stepping back from previous discussions that can only cause upset and anger for you. Focus on the important issue which is maintaining a meaningful relationship with your family and not becoming fully estranged. That is what truly matters, not variations on a theme across a number of threads.

Miss A I wonder if some people might be gaining some sadistic pleasure by keeping her going

It's only ongoing because people keep bringing it up.

I wish we all knew what Lady S hopes to achieve by this ongoing slanging match

Because I have read all the comments that say that

@VioletSky how do you know what treatment I have or have not been getting? What makes you form this judgment of me ?
Of course my son is the perfectly innocent party in all this isn’t he ………..

@Grams2Five how dare you suggest I am to blame within the complicated situation that’s happening with my son . How dare you suggest I refuse to seek treatment. You have no idea how much or what type of treatment I have been given . Neither are you aware of how successful or unsuccessful this treatment has been. Oh if I were as perfect as you my life would be bliss would it !

VioletSky

I don't think it is nasty to be frustrated that a person has a diagnosis but isn't getting the help they need to prevent that diagnosis harming others in relationships

Whatever diagnosis we are all responsible for our own behaviour

This! Ladysu you seem very aware of your diagnosis and yet you seem to be refusing to seek. The VERY real
Help you need for it. It’s clouding your view of well - everything and your diagnosis is not an excuse to act poorly it’s glaring red reason t seek treatment . Your situation will never ever improve until you do. And that is wildly unfortunate for your son , but also for
You

Well said VS

I don't think it is nasty to be frustrated that a person has a diagnosis but isn't getting the help they need to prevent that diagnosis harming others in relationships

Whatever diagnosis we are all responsible for our own behaviour

@MercuryQueen oh I do realise my son should not be my FP but it doesn’t work quite like that . I’m not simply using him as a replacement, BPD is a complex condition whereby things and relationships get out of control very quickly. I didn’t get a diagnosis until I was 45 , so that’s a long time spent wondering why things are so disfuntional I your life . There are very limited resources within the NHS for this condition too . Most of the treatment is group work too , so this is not particularly effective for me . It’s not worked - I have to work so hard to keep my emotions in check myself. That’s hard and very tiring too . Funny , as soon as I mentioned BPD , my posts and responses have attracted a lot of nasty and negative responses. Also everyone thinks they’re an expert on the subject. Trust me , there are not many experts , especially on here .
All I can say with certainty is that it’s incredibly difficult to live with and much misunderstood.

@Norah considering my partner was my son’s stepdad for 20 years ( 2 3rds of his life ) I believe it has got something to do with him . Or do you think this doesn’t matter ?

I really hope you’re able to get the help you need, @LadySusie.

Your son taking on the vacuum left by the passing of your partner as Favourite Person isn’t fair to either of you, nor sustainable.

I think sorting out the assistance you need is the priority here. Once you’re healthier, relationships can improve.

Back to your rants - I hope you know their possible miscarriage is/was not about you in any way - if it happened or as blessedly transpired, didn't happen? And that your partner's passing is really not about them either.

Perhaps, try to keep yourself/your problems separate to them?

Ladysuisei

@GG65
Yes BPD is recognised as the most painful disorder for the sufferer. Someone mentioned ( @Sago ) although I won’t dignify her with a response, that I’ve only just mentioned my mental illness and therefore should not be believed! How rude is that . Nobody is obliged to divulge sensitive medical information on a forum- but after a lot of consideration I decided it was relevant.
Yes my BPD has worsened greatly since losing the man I love. As well as losing him , my hopes and dreams and my future, I am constantly anxious and fearful . I have lost my Favourite Person a concept unique to BPD . I’m now feeling constantly empty without this figure and probably have inadvertently replaced my son as my new FP . It’s very complicated- now I feel abandoned by him , another unique feature of BPD . Yes it really is the gift that keeps on giving . This affliction was bad enough when my love was alive but I’m permanently hurting these days . Living alone is torturous for many reasons. . I. Fact I’m staying with my dad until I hopefully move to yet another flat to try .
DBT might be of limited value given they only do group work on the NHS these days .
Life is very hard suffice to say .

No ruder than you suggesting that childhood abuse was possibly a personality clash.
Also the information regarding your BPD would have no doubt created some very different responses on all your active threads.

@GG65
Yes BPD is recognised as the most painful disorder for the sufferer. Someone mentioned ( @Sago ) although I won’t dignify her with a response, that I’ve only just mentioned my mental illness and therefore should not be believed! How rude is that . Nobody is obliged to divulge sensitive medical information on a forum- but after a lot of consideration I decided it was relevant.
Yes my BPD has worsened greatly since losing the man I love. As well as losing him , my hopes and dreams and my future, I am constantly anxious and fearful . I have lost my Favourite Person a concept unique to BPD . I’m now feeling constantly empty without this figure and probably have inadvertently replaced my son as my new FP . It’s very complicated- now I feel abandoned by him , another unique feature of BPD . Yes it really is the gift that keeps on giving . This affliction was bad enough when my love was alive but I’m permanently hurting these days . Living alone is torturous for many reasons. . I. Fact I’m staying with my dad until I hopefully move to yet another flat to try .
DBT might be of limited value given they only do group work on the NHS these days .
Life is very hard suffice to say .

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@LadySusi, one thing that seems to come up in your responses is, “I did this in that situation…”

You seem to have the expectation that others should react the way you did, otherwise they’re wrong. Or so as other family members did.

Your son and DIL aren’t anyone but themselves. They will react as they do, and insisting that either of them is wrong for that is unkind to everyone involved.

As for the initial event that created the situation? You hurt them. You’ve apologized. You don’t get to decide when or how or if the relationship is repaired. They need to heal. You insist that they’re punishing you, but that makes you the central figure in the situation, and you’re not. They are. They’re making decisions for their family: the two of them and the coming baby. Yes, those decisions impact you, but they’re not doing it to YOU, they’re doing it for THEM. The more you push, the longer it will take. It seems like you’re pushing because the baby is due soon. It’s not going be resolved before then. If you let go of the timeline in your head, you stand a much better chance of being able to repair things. Your son HASN’T shut the door on you, but if you keep pushing, you’ll put him in a situation where it’s more pleasant to not have you in his life.

You don’t want that. So give them time.

Sago it’s kindness day. “Be kind to others not because they are nice but because you are” as someone said.

Avalon You are very generous.

Sago

This OP has been prolific on this site recently, in all of her posts regarding this matter she has only just mentioned a really key fact the BPD.
I am not sure now that I believe anything she has posted.

Sago I think that may be a little unkind. It would have been helpful to know the OP suffered with BPD but I don’t think we should necessarily disbelieve everything she has said. Clearly she is a troubled soul telling this from her perspective and the amount of posting demonstrates that.

Some posters have experience of BPD and are now offering good practical advice as to how to live with this which Ladysue really needs to take on board. I feel sorry for the son who is under considerable pressure with both mum and wife both having BPD. Clearly he is struggling.