The next thread for friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life

Ladysuisei

@SingcoTime I find the tone of your replies to me are quite spiteful. Behind the name on these posts is a person with feelings and you do not seem to understand this . I’m doing as best I can here . I thought this forum was intended to protect an element of privacy whilst also allowing us to exchange views , discuss problems and to obtain advice . To get advice , a certain amount of information needs to be disclosed. I don’t understand why you have a problem with me but it’s starting to feel personal. I don’t really want to interact with you further because you are certainly not offering friendship and / or advice . You seem to enjoy being mean .

There is no spite in any of my posts to you. In fact, the vast majority of the posts have been in line with advice you are receiving from most others. I am being straightforward because I think you've had a few grave missteps in a very fragile peace. I don't want you to do things that further jeopardise your relations. Support doesn't necessarily mean agreement and validation of your actions. My form of support is objective honesty and rational advice.

Online forums aren't intended to provide privacy, least of all on Gransnet. The extent of the privacy depends on the discretion of the posters. I don't want to beat a dead horse because the mods have thankfully prevented further unwanted privacy violation for your son and DIL by redacting the baby's name. I just want you to always consider whether or not your son or DIL would approve of what you share online, and enjoy the current peace by simply accepting their boundaries.

DSL - I hope you feel better soon. There are a lot of bugs around.💐

How sweet of your GC to share DSL. A sofa day with Netflix sounds a great idea; I hope whatever you've got doesn't come to anything .

Ladysu......that's probably a good idea. A break from forums might help you clear your head a little.

Well I don't know what's happened but I feel like death warmed over today. Some sort of lurgy. 😂. The GC both had tonsillitis last week. I think they have generously passed on their bugs.....

A sofa day and Netflix beckons.

@DerbyshireLass yes I do ruminate , but we are all different. I can’t help the personality I was given and I wish it were different. It’s a case of not being able to change that part of me . In my efforts not to bug my son , I’m internalising these worries and what ifs . I’m familiar with Radical Acceptance and it’s very difficult for someone like me to take on board . Actually this whole situation is making me very unwell - I might take a break from forums etc and concentrate on real life , which , after all is more important.

Ladysuisei - this is a place where you can say how feel. Sometimes, you might find suggestions and advice hard to take - but it’s generally well meant.

The suggestions we have offered have been a combination of advice from those that have been through some of bereavement/estrangement/and having grandchildren.

Yesterday was all positive for you - a baby has been delivered, appearing safe, sound and a healthy weight.👍

You were told about him by your son. All good.

Yet today, you are anxious, stressed and worried. There’s no need to be unless somethings changed.

They may want to be alone for a while - hospitals often advise this now because of infection risks. That has to be their choice. Times have changed.

Honestly, the best antidote to anxiety is distraction - whatever it is,

I would just find something to distract you, keep calm and wait to hear from your son.

DIL may not even be home yet, but when she is, she'll likely be tired and raging with hormones.

Let your son make the running. 💐

Ladysu, you could draft a few phrases to write in that card and share them on here, before sending.
then the wise grans could say how they sound to them, to avoid any errors in tone.
in your situation, it pays to be ultra careful and to have the benefit of impartial advice.
then that will give you something to do, to send it.
best to take it to the post office, as postage is so expensive nowadays, and cards esp are often over-weight.
imagine if they had to pay a penalty fee to receive it . . . !
also simply going out and about, doing simple errands, walking, can help ease anxiety.
try to walk everyday, if only as a duty to take exercise.
how about keeping a journal; maybe you could go and buy a nice notebook.
all the best.

@SingcoTime I find the tone of your replies to me are quite spiteful. Behind the name on these posts is a person with feelings and you do not seem to understand this . I’m doing as best I can here . I thought this forum was intended to protect an element of privacy whilst also allowing us to exchange views , discuss problems and to obtain advice . To get advice , a certain amount of information needs to be disclosed. I don’t understand why you have a problem with me but it’s starting to feel personal. I don’t really want to interact with you further because you are certainly not offering friendship and / or advice . You seem to enjoy being mean .

Ladysu. If i may ......a piece of advice. Please try to stop this endless ruminating, you will drive yourself crazy. Stop torturing yourself trying to find the "why". You may never find out the "why". It may have absolutely nothing to do with you, it could well be just the stress of the pregnancy and the birth.

Try to practice what is termed "radical acceptance". Don't question so much, stop railing against your fate, just accept. Life does indeed throw us curved balls sometimes. C'est La Vie.

Stop trying to live in that golden past, when everything in the garden was rosy. It's gone. You can't rewind the clock.

You say your family gathered round you when your son was born, this tends not to happen so much now. New parents, are, in fact,, advised to isolate and refuse visitors for at least the first couple of weeks. So don't feel aggrieved or threatened if your son and DIL keep you at arms length.

The best antidote to anxiety is to take action. Keep busy. Focus on organising your house move. Put seeing the baby on the back burner until your son gives you the go ahead.

Ladysuisei

@DismondLily yes I remember coming home with my son as a newborn and feeling completely overwhelmed. Having said that , my parents . Sister and BIL were heavily involved too . Also my MIL travelled as soon as she could to see her GS as a newborn. I hope they don’t make me wait too long , or heaven forbid , not allow contact at all . I really don’t deserve that .

They are choosing what's best for them, as you chose what was best for you back then. Their choices and your previous choices don't have to align. They only need to be respected, as you son and DIL have a God-given right to make the choices that are best for their little family. It is less about what you deserve and more about what they need to do for the well-being of their nuclear unit. Try to reframe your thoughts on their decisions by not placing yourself at the center of them. When you remove yourself, you will see more clearly that it isn't about you, but about them. Think outside of yourself. Ironically, you stated you think you son becoming a parent would allow him to do that, but it's not what you are doing yourself. We must start with ourselves first.

Just congratulate them, thank them for the photo, say how pleased you are that all went well and tell them how beautiful he is.

Don't say anything about how you can't wait to see him or them, they'll know you are but you have to be extremely careful not to make them feel pressured in any way.

I totally understand that having to think about everything you say and/or do when you are understandably excited about the arrival of your GS, and desperate to see him is both stressful and upsetting. But this is how things are at the moment and you need to understand how important it is to at least as far as your son and d.i.l., to keep your emotions under control.

That's one of the reasons we and this thread are here, to provide a safe place to talk about and explore all of the emotions we're experiencing, so where estrangement hasn't yet happened, you can be open and honest without the risk of doing or saying the wrong thing with your AC.

Be happy Ladysu, happy that he contacted you, sent you a photograph of their precious son and gave you some kisses. This is a positive, try and focus on that.

Ladysuisei

SincgoTime hold on a minute- violating them ! I posted too quickly, in my excitement forgot to use abbreviations. What is your problem. I’ve spoken in general terms about a situation that pertains to a possible scenario of estrangement. This is not violation it’s an error of judgment!

Ladysuisei, just because you don't consider what you've posted violating doesn't mean it isn't. Several people here have told you you've posted too many specifics. Do you really believe that if they found out about your posts here, they wouldn't think you've violated them? With everything that has happened between you all, excitement isn't an excuse they'd accept and rightfully so. If you wouldn't confess to them directly all that you've posted about them on the internet, it means you know you shouldn't have posted what you've posted. Come on, now smh.

@Smiles thank you for your support. I’m waiting for the card to arrive on Friday then I will think of something suitable to write . I can’t believe this stained and strange existence will carry on with the baby here but I can’t control this . I woke up with a terrible headache and feeling of sickness in the pit of my tummy - what if this doesn’t get resolved, now I’ve been sent a picture and had some positive messages from my son ? I’m all over the place not really knowing how to react . I know that stepping back is the obvious way forward. I feel sad today after yesterday’s happiness. Strange how our minds work - also I’ve sttarted getting panic attacks again . I’m finding this situation rather overwhelming and I’m trying to deal as best I can with my practical things whilst also trying to get my head around why life has thrown this curveball .

You're right Whiff utilising the breathing exercises for singing would help with a panic attack. The problem with panic attacks is getting your thoughts under some control before total panic sets in. Breathing exercises would help with that so once again your weird thoughts as you call them, have been very useful.

Thanks Yogin [smile}.

Yeah you're right DL, singing on Mothers day, what was I thinking!!!

I love this thread, and all of you. It's so good to have somewhere to share the good and the bad isn't it x

smileless - well, that sounds very positive! Mother’s Day can be fraught anyway - let alone with having to sing.

All quiet here so far. It’s the baby’s first birthday on Saturday, and although I can’t see her, I’ve been wrapping a few presents for DD to take to the contact centre on Saturday. Difficult situation, but, hopefully, one that the court will improve soon.🫰

Hope everyone has a nice day.💐

Well done Smiles xx

Smiles I hope you felt very proud having the praise from another singing teacher who is also a wonderful singer. I remember when you first when to your lesson and not knowing what to expect look at you now. Every time you talk about your singing I can tell how much they have given you more confidence in yourself . Not just singing but in life in general.

Your panic attack the other day was a blip and I think what you learn through your singing could help you control it if you have another one by doing your singing breathing exercises. May be talking out of my hat but to me it sounds logical. But then again I do come out with some weird thoughts 😁.

Ladysuisei

@DismondLily yes I remember coming home with my son as a newborn and feeling completely overwhelmed. Having said that , my parents . Sister and BIL were heavily involved too . Also my MIL travelled as soon as she could to see her GS as a newborn. I hope they don’t make me wait too long , or heaven forbid , not allow contact at all . I really don’t deserve that .

Yes, and I’m sure you liked it like that. But, many new mums and dads, nowadays, don’t. They like to just spend time alone with their newborn.

As I said before, many new mums look to their own mums first for support anyway.

None of that means you won’t see the baby - it’s all quite normal.

I’d post a card, and then just get on with your day. It’s pointless fretting about what might not happen. 🙂

Morning everyone, and what a wonderful morning it is to come on and see that you are now a GM Ladysu. Congratulations to you all, a healthy baby and mum are priceless and they must be so relieved with the worries they've had.

When that card you've ordered arrives, get it in the post straight away. It doesn't matter whether or not you'll be seeing your son at the weekend which is very unlikely, what matters is your son and d.i.l. getting a lovely card mum/m.i.l.

Thank you Yogin and Allsorts, I'll know not to go to church again when it's Mothers day. I've got BBC breakfast news on atm, and there's a mum with the son she had to give up for adoption.

They seem to have a wonderful relationship and bond, and I'm sitting here thinking how odd it is that those of us here who've been estranged once had that with our EAC.

I bet that new of yours is dazzling DSL. You're very brave, I'm a nervous wreck going for a check up and visit to the hygienist . It's very sad that Miss D will only be allowed supervised contact with her own child, sad but absolutely the right decision.

I'm glad that you're happy to stay in your home DL and are finding comfort in the memories you have of your DH there.

I had a very uplifting and encouraging experience yesterday at the end of my singing lesson. I was singing Ave Maria, when I thought I heard someone come in, but just carried on. When I'd finished, I heard someone clapping and it was F, the other singing teacher whose a fabulous soprano.

She said 'that was great' and V my teacher was beaming and said F never praises anyone's singing unless she really means it.
I was shocked TBH and said if I'd known she'd walked in I'd have probably clammed up. She said she came in quietly because I was so invested in what I was singing, she didn't want to risk spoiling the moment.

Gave me a real lift after Sunday's debacle.

Many congratulations on the birth of your beautiful baby Grandson Ladysu Hope all went well for your d.i.l & that baby & mum are doing well. The texted from your son sounds loving, so very promising for your future with him, d.i.l & baby being a good & happy one.

@DismondLily yes I remember coming home with my son as a newborn and feeling completely overwhelmed. Having said that , my parents . Sister and BIL were heavily involved too . Also my MIL travelled as soon as she could to see her GS as a newborn. I hope they don’t make me wait too long , or heaven forbid , not allow contact at all . I really don’t deserve that .

It’s pretty full on when you first come home with a new baby, so you might not hear from them for a few days.

I hope you do, but I wouldn’t worry too much if you don’t.🙂

@DiamondLily I’m not sure what to do at this stage . My DILs mum sent me a message to say they’re still in hospital, dropped my son a text saying get in touch when he’s ready and wants to . Not sure much else I can do now but wait . Think they’re coming home today , so maybe I will hear fro them . I really hope so . I have ordered a card just in case then I’ll think about sending it depending on when and how I hear from my son . My SiL also not getting many updates either . Woke up feeling sick and anxious this morning, so I’ll take things easy and wait I think.

If you don’t see him, you could just get a “congratulations on the birth of your son” card, and post it to them. Many new parents like to keep all the cards they get.🙂

@madgran and @DerbyshireLass thank you for your advice and your congratulations. This morning I woke up feeling there may well be hope , my AS did contact me without any contact or request for information etc etc . I will back off , I will try not to be disappointed if I’m not invited to see my GS , but I am hoping . After all , the whole situation that blew up started over a misunderstanding that could have been put right months ago . Had a realised what was bothering them I’d have initiated putting it right . I don’t know when I’ll see my son next but I really hope it is soon - if nothing else I want to tell him how proud I am of him and my DIL for providing the family with this new addition. I see him as a new addition to our family and definitely not “ my baby “ - perish the thought ! I certainly don’t want to take over , the way things are done these days is too complicated to wrap my head around . I will enjoy this child from an appropriate distance .