The next thread for friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life

I am sorry you are so sad and upset Ladysu, today is a hard and emotional day for lots of estranged mothers to get through.
Whiff is correct, we will always be their mom's, but not being part of their lives is difficult to bear at times.
So thinking of all the estranged mothers today 💐💐

@Whiff - sadly I don’t feel this will be a happy Mother’s Day. I realise I’ll always be my son’s mother but I wonder what is going through his mind if he won’t have an open conversation with me . Yes we will always share a biological connection, but as for an emotional one , well I think he has destroyed this . I’m very sad and upset . Xxx

@Allsorts I realise that I come across as intense but I’m finding it very difficult adapting to this new relationship with my son . We have not sat down and talked about anything important in ages , something we used to do regularly. I’m saddened that my AS doesn’t want to be close and I’m saddened that him and his wife are shutting me out of the pregnancy. I could be a source of understanding and support to my DIL - I understand frail mental health and how it impinges on your life . Why has she suddenly decided to make my only child choose between her and his mum . I will never understand this . As regards the house situation- it was my son who initially brought this up as a possibility quite soon after my partner died . They were obviously thinking this would be a possibility not me , I was still shellshocked from my loss . It was my DIL who vetoed that idea - one that probably was initiated by my son . I certainly didn’t do the asking first off , he discussed it with me . So I was given the hope that my problems would be sorted ( much in the same way his have always been ) to suddenly being told no this isn’t happening, then being demonised for revisiting the subject . In fact , our family has always looked after extended family throughout difficult times and this latest episode of rejection from my son has shown me that I’ve obviously gone wrong somewhere as his mother . I think I’ve given him too much , but the suggestion that I should suddenly give him space because it suits him is quite one - sided . As mothers obviously we do not want to be estranged from our children, it’s the ultimate rejection and it hurts terribly. I’m going to have to make my own choices and decide where I’m going to live - this is hard because the choices available are ones that I wouldn’t necessarily want . After devoting 30 years of love and care to a son who is now rejecting me , I’m feeling very hurt and finding it hard to make sound decisions about housing and other things which impact upon my future . I’m really not being intense to annoy him , I simply misjudged how my son feels about me these days xx

@Madgran well I’m finding the light conversation works but only up to a point . I have worked incredibly hard to keep this going with my son but it feels incredibly false after our previous close relationship. He’s now beginning to rewrite history too - saying were we ever close , no it was because he lived further away and saw me less often etc for me mistaking this for a close relationship when in fact he’s found me “ difficult to deal with “ for years ! Well if he had said this at the time , my family could have withdrawn his financial assistance and he could have stood on his own 2 feet then instead of taking what he needed then doing this. You can probably tell I feel angry by his actions. I don’t think he’s being fair now, neither was he and his now wife being fair when they were being financially supported by my family ( and me ) in order to live in London, attend a prestigious university to get his phD then move back to Wales reaping the rewards . He has acted in a calculated selfish manner and , although hindsight is wonderful, I would certainly advise parents to let their children strive on their own - not to rely on their lives being made easier by their families. I believe my AS is treating me with contempt, in part because he realised I was a soft touch who would do anything for him . I made grave mistakes as a mother - not in poor treatment of my son , but by giving him too much . I live to regret my poor choices because it’s allowing him to continue to have the upper hand , call the shots and manipulate me . I may sound very bitter . Well today I do actually feel bitter and angry towards a much loved son who has thrown me away like a piece of rubbish. His wife has benefited by my family’s generosity and repaid me by forcing my son to choose between her or me . I know this is what’s going on here and it feels horrible. A real smack in the face . I’m using strategies for communication in order to try and keep our relationship on a calm footing which is ok up to a point but I’m finding the lack of meaningful interactions is reducing things to nothing. I’m very upset that my AS is choosing between his wife and his mother like this - there should be no need . I’ve not been so demanding that this ought to be the case , he’s decided this for himself and for whatever reason, my son has changed from a previously living young man to one who is selfish, self- centred and abusive. I’m not even sure at this point if I want him in my life . He is hurting me with this sudden changing of the goalposts of our whole situation. We’ve never had a relationship based solely on light and neutral chats , so I’m finding it very difficult to suddenly adjust to this now , particularly at a time when I’ve lost my person - someone who I would have relied on to help me get through any difficult patches with my son . My partner would never have believed this of my son , because when he was alive we both were treated kindly and with respect. It seems like a huge loss in the family has been responsible for my son needing to reassess his priorities, which is something I’ll never understand. At this point in time I won’t really forgive him either I don’t think . If we ever get back to normal relations then I will always treat him with caution- I’ll be the one who is guarded and will need the light conversation, just to protect myself emotionally. Devastated on Mother’s Day doesn’t even cover how I feel . I expect he will now spend it with his wife’s family, something which I’m sure he planned to do

Happy mother's day 🌹. Whether our estranged children like or not we are still and always will be their mom's and theres not a dam thing they can do about it. Even when we are dead and gone we will still be their mom.

Ladysui, Your son is frustrated having to keep clarifying he and his wife’s decision about you not staying with them, however quiet you would be it’s just not going to happen, doesn’t matter if it were a twenty room mansion that they they live in they don’t want it. You have to accept this because if you don’t you will be estranged, as one that is I wouldn't wish it on you. You are being too intense and he cant deal with it. He doesn't bring the subject up, you do, you have to respect his wishes. His head is full of the impending birth and his wife’s fragile mental health. I’m sorry you are still feeling so cornered, you want reassurance that all will be ok. It will, get your own accommodation sorted and things will fall into place.
To everyone who has that special person missing, treat yourself tomorrow and value the ones we do have.

After my partner died my AS and his wife told me they were “ talking about “ me having a room in the attic of their 6 bedroom house . I think the wife vetoed it so it’s a no . I started talking about this with him - we were on topic and have been getting on better. Anyway, he lost it after I said something about how I wouldn’t get in their way etc had the arrangement been agreed . Which I wouldn’t- there’s plenty of room for a temporary stay . I feel I ought to be able to talk about things with him when he’s ok discussing them . He tends to go off on one when the conversation gets difficult ie he couldn’t really object to the scenario which I was describing as he says I’d be a burden whereas I just need somewhere to stay a while . There’s 2 rooms up there plus a bathroom so I would not be a burden. In fact I’d be very happy to keep myself to myself knowing I’m not alone in a house . So this got too much despite him engaging in the conversation- this is why it’s so difficult, he will talk but very suddenly becomes angry without warning

Hi Ladysue, how difficult for you when the anger is sudden and without warning

The conversation clearly moved off the "every day" stuff that is part of your "calm strategy" and also moved away from your phone strategy of just making arrangements and "Bye. See you tomorrow!"

Your comment to him, although entirely valid, was not keeping things generalised and on neutral subjects; it linked directly to a subject that he had very clearly closed down and is not willing to consider. It's best not to refer back to something that he has made clear is not going to happen.By doing do you are quite inadvertently enabling him to have an excuse for getting angry; it doesnt justify his behaviour but it does enable it.

You are right that in relationships things have to be discussed but as he has made clear moving in is not an option, even with your fathers offer of help, then it doesnt actually need to be discussed. I know it's what you see as an answer but he clearly doesn't, for whatever reason. Asking his opinion if you want to on your other housing choices can be discussed...if he is willing without being abusive, but if you are continuing to see him I would suggest sticking to informing him of your decisions when you have made thrm, not involving him in the decision making atall. He is clearly not willing to engage.

I do understand that sustaining the "calm" strategy is difficult; to do it you have to accept that what "should" happen just isn't going to happen so you take control of the problem by not creating a percieved problem (percieved by him) and by not engaging in the angst.

I am sorry this is a difficult weekend for you

@Whiff - well I still hold out hope for improvement. I’m certainly not going to close the door on communication and I will wait for him to call time on us . He will need to be accountable for his own actions then and reflect on his own actions as @DiamondLily says .
Funnily enough it’s a housing issue which triggered the tantrum today . Him and his wife considered allowing me to move in to their house after my partner died . The wife I believe vetoed this . The difference is they have 6 bedrooms, 2 lounges and a few extra rooms for multiple use . Yes a huge house . I would have been at the top where there are 2 rooms with bathroom that could be converted to make it private . Nobody would be forced to share rooms and there’s a lot of space. He told me “ no anount of money in rent would compensate him for having me as a burden in his house “ .
I am annoyed with him because he was brought up to value family- he’s also been given much financial assistance in order to get to the position in life where he has done ( my parents did this ) . He definitely has no respect for me , my dad or my partners memory, he’s totally selfish. To cause an issue meaning he won’t see me on Mother’s Day is totally unforgivable- these dates are important to me . To show appreciation for your mum is so important to me and we still appreciate our own mum despite losing her 3 years ago . We went to visit her grave this morning. My son didn’t join us obviously. I’m going through a phase of anger at the moment and no @Smiles I won’t keep sending him messages and no , I’m not apologetic for anything. I am a good mother who is being treated very badly and I’m angry with him and his attitude.

@madgran well it’s difficult to say what broke the camel’s back but we were talking about housing issues. As you might know I’m really unsure about what to do re moving . The flat I’ve got is ok but there’s antisocial behaviour downstairs and I got the chance of an exchange but it’s isolated and my previous house ( which is private LL , so no guarantees until signed up which may not be for a while due to renovation going on ) . I’m fed up and worried. After my partner died my AS and his wife told me they were “ talking about “ me having a room in the attic of their 6 bedroom house . I think the wife vetoed it so it’s a no . I started talking about this with him - we were on topic and have been getting on better. Anyway, he lost it after I said something about how I wouldn’t get in their way etc had the arrangement been agreed . Which I wouldn’t- there’s plenty of room for a temporary stay . I feel I ought to be able to talk about things with him when he’s ok discussing them . He tends to go off on one when the conversation gets difficult ie he couldn’t really object to the scenario which I was describing as he says I’d be a burden whereas I just need somewhere to stay a while . There’s 2 rooms up there plus a bathroom so I would not be a burden. In fact I’d be very happy to keep myself to myself knowing I’m not alone in a house . So this got too much despite him engaging in the conversation- this is why it’s so difficult, he will talk but very suddenly becomes angry without warning. He then tends to threaten not seeing me , I say as a punishment. He says it’s not about me being punished but him protecting himself! In reality he’s not mature enough to have an adult conversation but I don’t say this . He then gets abusive a bit like a stroppy teenager. I’m fed up with all this messing about - I’m devastated that he chose to do this for Mother’s Day. How totally mean is that . He knows how hurt I am so then he blocks me in his phone like a stroppy child and we go on like this . This afternoon I decided I dislike him intensely because he reminds me of his father , my ex . Funny thing is his father’s personality changed in his 30’s too , leading him to be aggressive and nasty . I don’t understand. All I know is my once lovely AS has changed into something monstrous and I don’t like it . It’s not how I raised him . I cannot blame my DIL for everything because he’s in charge of his own behaviour. Additionally, the way he treats my dad is appalling, especially given how much assistance my parents have provided over so many years . My dad offered to get building work done on his house to make the 2 rooms and bathroom private too , which would have increased the value of his house . Dad worries about me because I’m vulnerable- he was hoping when the idea of me moving in was discussed, then I’d be safe and sorted . My son doesn’t care about me , as others on here have pointed out . I know lots don’t agree with the suggestion that I move in with my son , but in our family that’s how we’ve done things for my Nan etc . My son is a law unto himself and his values do not align with how he’s been brought up . It’s all very complicated and getting messy because I dislike my son for turning his back on me at a vulnerable time in my life . I didn’t stand a chance with calm communication because anything more taxing than talking about rugby or something is beyond him at the moment. I don’t know how much longer I can sustain this light conversation- in relationships things do need to be discussed. It is an inevitable part of life . Today the meaningful conversation went terribly wrong which tells me he’s not wanting a relationship with me any more .

Ladysuisei

@smiles I was expecting bad behaviour from him as an excuse to do this . I tried to make normal conversation, he’s very unpredictable the least thing sends him off in one . I don’t know where I am apart from kicked in the kerb . I’m messaging him to ask him to reconsider because also tomorrow is my dad’s birthday. It’s also the first anniversary of my partners funeral today , so a really triggering time for me . He’s choosing to let me down at a time when I’m at my absolute lowest - I can’t forgive him for this

Well, I think it gets to a point when you just have to see people for how they are.

It’s disappointing when it’s your own children/grandchildren, but one they become adults, they are the only ones responsible for their behaviour.

I would just bat on with your life, ignore him, and let him reflect on his own behaviour.

I certainly wouldn’t message him.💐

Ladysusiei I agree with Smiles and Madgran . Don't contact your son in anyway. Do not apologise to him about past behaviour which you blame yourself over which to be honest I wouldn't have done.

You are not to blame he is responsible for his own words and actions . He has shown he doesn't care about you or his grandad or your the memory of your partner . He is cutting himself off from his side of the family exactly like my son did. Luckily my parents were long dead and couldn't be hurt by him.

You have to face the fact your son doesn't want you in his life. I know how that much that hurts and I can't see you having any contact with your grandchild when it's born.

Because I don't know the name of my sons youngest I have given him a name as it hurts to much to think of him without one. He was due 27th July 2020 so that's the day I wish him happy birthday. Just out loud to myself like I do with my son and other 2 grandson's.

I do wonder if my daughter in laws mom glouts over being favoured or frightened to death to put a foot wrong. But the woman can't have any pride as she has lived off my son and her daughter for 9 years and forcing our 3 grandsons to share a double room.

I should say I am not jealous as I am not a jealous person. And I would hate to live with my daughter . I like my own space and doing what I want. I have no room in my life to take care of anyone full time been doing that since I was 11. I finally was free to live my own life in 2017 but it wasn't until 2019 that I actually did when I moved here. I value my independence and am proud of what I have achieved by myself. But would give anything to have my husband back fit and healthy but I can't but I am so glad I had him in my life for as long as I did.

Ladysuisei

Well how do I cope with this - my AS lost it with me on the phone this morning. He’d originally said he’d come tomorrow. He took umbrage to something I said which was not offensive in the slightest. Then he was abusive towards me , shrieked enjoy Mother’s Day on your own and told me he’s not bothering. I’m devastated - calm conversation was not on the cards . He was in a temper from the word off . I don’t know if I want anything to do with him again xxx

Lady I'm sorry. Sounds like you didnt stand a chance of calm strategy on phone today. Can I ask specifically what you said that he "lost it" over?

I agree with Smileless and suggest you dont message him. I do understand the hurt upset and triggering but making requests of any sort at the moment just adds fuel to
his fire. Let him see that you are not going to react and give excuses for further unkind remarks

TBH Ladysu I wouldn't message him if I were you, just leave him to hopefully think about how he has and continues to behave.

@smiles I was expecting bad behaviour from him as an excuse to do this . I tried to make normal conversation, he’s very unpredictable the least thing sends him off in one . I don’t know where I am apart from kicked in the kerb . I’m messaging him to ask him to reconsider because also tomorrow is my dad’s birthday. It’s also the first anniversary of my partners funeral today , so a really triggering time for me . He’s choosing to let me down at a time when I’m at my absolute lowest - I can’t forgive him for this

Yes Yogin, ES ensuring his boys have at least a card for their mother, his wife and her buying something for her mum, if they're still in contact of course.

Is not acknowledging us tomorrow a rather large elephant in the room?

I always loved mothers and fathers day Whiff. Of course in a 'normal' family environment our parents and we as parents know we're loved, but that little extra appreciation is always nice.

I am sorry Ladysu. From what you've said, I'm sorry but I think he's created this latest set back as an excuse not to see you tomorrow because it's mothers day.

Only you can decide if you want anything to do with him as I can't help but think that these unwarranted out bursts of anger and abuse aren't going away.

Well how do I cope with this - my AS lost it with me on the phone this morning. He’d originally said he’d come tomorrow. He took umbrage to something I said which was not offensive in the slightest. Then he was abusive towards me , shrieked enjoy Mother’s Day on your own and told me he’s not bothering. I’m devastated - calm conversation was not on the cards . He was in a temper from the word off . I don’t know if I want anything to do with him again xxx

Speaking to my DD yesterday about estranged one, wondering if she thinks of us, she must do surely. Her buying gifts & flowers for her H mother, surely that hurts

So had some lovely gifts from my DD yesterday, a lovely gold 'Tree-of-life' necklace, a silver diamond necklace- really pretty, a lovely keyring with a drop gem on it with beautiful message engraved from GC, pot plant and lovely card too, how lucky am I. I did say How can I have one D so generous & kind and the other one

So, teaching my class as usual tomorrow, then carwash & hoover out, then visit my mum's resting place, back home to take Joey for walkies and then lunch. Son working & will be very surprised if he has stopped to get me a card. He did get me a lovely card & present for my birthday a few weeks back so..

He loves his roast dinner on a Sunday, my DD said to him yesterday you could cook dinner for mum tomorrow but that won't happen. Thinking of ordering a take-away 'Toby Roast' never done that before.

Heartwarmig post Stillawip & Happy birthday xx

Enjoy your day tomorrow Whiff 💐

I know how lucky I am to have a daughter that loves and cares about me and a wonderful son in law and my 2 grandson's. She text me the start of the week and asked if I would like to come to them on Sunday . She will pick me up tomorrow afternoon and I will be home after dinner when it's the boys bedtime.

I never expected anything from my son. Whether he thinks about me I doubt it out of sight out of mind.

I have never seen the point of mother's or father's day if you love and care for your parent them it's all year round not just one day. Just another way for card manufacturers to make money along with all the others who make gifts aimed for the 2 days.

Brought another torch yesterday ready for next time my grandsons decide to go coal mining in my living room again. Funny enough where I was brought up . They build some houses on the flat only flat bit on an private estate that was hilly . We where near the top of a very long hill. Once people moved in there was some subsidence. It was only then they found out they had built over some coal tunnels. But they should have realised there had been coal mining in the area as on the main road there where some miners cottages. Loads of concrete where pumped into the tunnels . This was in the 70's. Lot of people tried to sell their houses no longer after not many sold. Funny the things that pop into my head. 🤷.

Sometimes, I still feel like the only one oh Bridie sometimes I do too x

I know there are many of estranged mothers out there Smileless, I still feel like the only one...but emotion will pass.
I too wonder if we cross our children's minds on these occasions, I would like to think so.
We are fortunate to have DS that when they remember will send flowers 🤣

You're not alone Bridie I dislike it too, so yesterday bought myself 2 bunches of yellow chrysanthemums. DS's in Aus. and mothers day there is in May, not that he'll send a card then either, but at some point in May there'll be a delivery of flowers for my birthday and the mothers day he forgot.

It's definitely not as hard as it used to be. Seeing the cards and flowers all over the place is just par for the course, a bit like everything to do with Christmas, but it is different as it's all about mothers as fathers day is all about fathers.

I wonder what it's like for EAC. Maybe some of them think even just momentarily, about the mum they used to buy a card for and maybe flowers too. I'd rather be the estranged mum whose forgotten than the EAC who chooses to forget.

Morning all,
I so dislike this mothering Sunday weekend , the false hopes and wishes that never materialise.
I do have joy in my life , but a big part is missing and nothing fills that gap.
Love to all still living in hope.

Don’t worry - every estrangement is different. It involves different relatives and different issues. Everyone does as they feel best for themselves. Enjoy your day. 🙂