The next thread for friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life

Posted incase I lost it. DiamondLily this year would have been our 43rd wedding anniversary. But we had 29 years together married 22 when he died. The only what would have been our 40th that made me sad . I wanted to look at our wedding album but couldn't but did a few days later but I laughed so many things went wrong that day it's a wonder we ever got married. But to me I am still married and always will be still a Mrs and until before Christmas always wore my wedding ring. But it dropped off my finger in a
my usual cafe it wasn't until I got home I found it missing when I took off my gloves. But they knew it was mine and put it into a box . I phoned them and went and got it straight away.I didn't put my ring tightener that day so it's on a chain round my neck . But I hate not wearing it. But don't want it re sized as I want it as he put it on my finger. My daughter had been telling me for a year to put it on a chain but I am stubborn but the thought I could have lost it for good frightened me . I am not a sentimental person over things but it would have been like losing him all over again . Does that make sense🤷. It's like his ashes are in my wardrobe as I couldn't scatter them . I know it's not him it's just ash but it would be like throwing him away. Both my children said I didn't have to and will scatter us together like my brother and me did for our parents. It will be just my daughter and family who will scatter us. But have no intention of popping my clogs yet.

Smiles glad your choir rehearsal went better this week . Was your choir master having a strop the week before . He's lucky you didn't lynch him. How is the opera piece going with your singing coach? Hope you are enjoying learning it and feel a sense of pride achieveing something you didn't think you could do when you started the lessons.

Hope Mr S had been able to do his bowling .

I know how lucky I am to have my loving daughter and family. She has asked to to theirs on Sunday and picking me up in the afternoon. My grandsons asked last weekend when I was coming to their house but told them it was up to mommy and daddy. I never go without an invite always did it with both couples. My parents had a key to our house so popped in when in the area but that's what we did to. Both my children had full set of my keys but had my sons back. My daughter text him for them . But my daughter never comes without asking first and the boys like ringing my door bell. She could let herself in but doesn't.

I often think would I have had my son if I knew what would happen the answer is always yes even though it was a hard pregnancy and took me longer to recover than after having my daughter. As I had a kind and loving son for 32 years and got to know his 2 eldest boys . If he hoped to break me he is sadly in for a disappointment as you can't break something that's already broken as I broken when my husband died and haven't been whole since. But since moving here I no longer just exist like I did in my old house but live my life to the full. And that's all we can do live a full life as no ones knows how long we have on this earth. 💐

Bugger GN went down and lost what I wrote.

Jaffacake sorry your daughter has abused your kindness. I hope when you go for your car key she hasn't hide it or taken the car out. And definitely don't give her any money or loan. If she can't afford her mortgage then she needs to work harder and budget . Mental health is no excuse for bad behaviour. My nephew has mental health problems and has a nightmare for a mother but he and his sisters have never turned their back in her no matter how she has treated them. I have friends with mental health problems they would never dream of treating their parents the way my son and daughter in law have treated me.

Even though my son has estranged me I am proud of both couples they rented and saved to buy their own houses with out any help from me . They both paid for their own weddings with no help from me.

I hate the bank of mom and dad. We saved and went without to buy our first house and paid for our own wedding . We catered for it ourselves hiring the church a hall. My parents as a wedding present brought the food but my dad knew all the cheapest places but it was good quality. They had been buying bottles of booze for 6 years on the cheap so it was a free bar ,party sevens and bottles of my dad's home made wines. Plus dad made a punch for the evening do with home made wines and a bottle of brandy which people drank not realising how alcoholic it was . Everyone went home in taxis apart from my parents and husband as we had to clean the hall before leaving . Remember sweeping up at midnight and wondered how many brides spent their wedding nights cleaning🤣. I had been up since 6am preparing all the food . People said had a good wedding night nudge nudge 🤣. We slept as we where knackered .

Smiles even though your son is 41 he is still your little boy. My daughter will be 41 in the summer . My grandsons thinks it's funny when I say their mommy is my little girl. The eldest points out she is taller than me. He also had started saying he will soon be as tall as me he's 6 his brother had started saying it as well his 3. But their dad is 6' 5'. My son in law will be 41 in the autumn. My son 37 in the summer and my daughter in law was 37 just into the new year.
No idea where the years have gone.

I the 20 years since my husband died such a lot has happened in my life ,theirs and the world had changed so much. He would love today's technology and we would have everything with all the bells and whistles.

DL's right Jaffacake. Your D is an adult and a mother. If she does have mental health issues she needs to get the treatment she needs. If that's what makes her uncaring then she'd be 'killing two birds with one stone' so to speak.

Perhaps being a lot less available would be the push she needs to have a look at her own behaviour, help her to see why she does behave the way she does, and do something about it.

We weren't going too either DL but we did think that with our old age there'd be the joy of GC, but we didn't get that either.

Bugger .

I would just look after yourself. If she has mental health issues, then she needs to seek treatment. If it’s uncaring, then she needs to get on with it. 💐

I think I am struggling with thinking of her actions are because of her mental health or whether she is just very uncaring about me .

Smileless2012

I was about to do the same DL .

That's a major operation for your brother Whiff, not surprising you're worried and will be glad when it's all over.

Not much to report. Had a good singing lesson yesterday and last night's choir practice was better than last weeks. I think our choir master was lucky that his sopranos didn't walk out on him last week. He earned 10 filthy looks because 3 times he said some of us (he didn't name names) were screeching!!!

His wife wasn't impressed and he did try to lighten the mood by saying he'd better be careful or he might get thumped. He was right, we were all getting ready to form a queue.

Plenty of compliments last night to make up for it.

DS's birthday tomorrow, he'll be 41 . How can we have a son in his 40's!!! Hope his card arrived, will message him tomorrow.

You should worry. - my DD is 49 in August and my DS is 47 next month…😳😳😳

In May, I will have been a married person for 50 years….good grief, I was never going to get old lol 😷

Glad all ok x

Jaffacake . How did we manage to raise such uncaring and self entitled children?

It's time to take a step back and let her take responsibility for her own life. It wont be easy, you'll probably feel guilty but you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I was about to do the same DL .

That's a major operation for your brother Whiff, not surprising you're worried and will be glad when it's all over.

Not much to report. Had a good singing lesson yesterday and last night's choir practice was better than last weeks. I think our choir master was lucky that his sopranos didn't walk out on him last week. He earned 10 filthy looks because 3 times he said some of us (he didn't name names) were screeching!!!

His wife wasn't impressed and he did try to lighten the mood by saying he'd better be careful or he might get thumped. He was right, we were all getting ready to form a queue.

Plenty of compliments last night to make up for it.

DS's birthday tomorrow, he'll be 41 . How can we have a son in his 40's!!! Hope his card arrived, will message him tomorrow.

Well, I would pick the car up, and then let her get on with it.

And, no, I certainly wouldn’t be giving her financial handouts - I help my ACs, but support (of whatever type) is a two way street.

It can’t always be at the behest of ACs. 🙂

More upset from my daughter unfortunately. No communication from her for 3 weeks in spite of her having my car. I lent it to her because hers is waiting to be fixed at the garage and as she is a single parent with children to take to school and transport for her work ,I thought it was the best action. It's been problem trying to get around without my car but have coped with buses ubers, and friends.
I am planning to have the car back at the weekend but she is planning to leave the car key in her house for me to collect rather than be around so I can spend time with her and the children. I have a key to her house.
It's so ungrateful and unkind and now I am feeling that I wouldn't be so generous in the future. In a few months her fixed rate mortgage comes to an end and she is going to be stuck financially with the increased interest rates. I do not intend helping her although I am pretty sure that she will come crying to me. I cannot cope any longer with her kicking me in the gutter then picking me up when she wants something.
Feeling very sad.

It’s very quiet on here, so just popped in to say hello, and hope that everyone is well. 💐👋🏼

Best of luck for your brother's op Whiff xx

Whiff - yes, I understand grief stays forever. It feels like a permanent cloud, in a way. I suppose we just feel our way - after all, we’re all novices at it when it first happens.

Hope your brother’s op goes well, it must be a worry for you. I suppose I haven’t got that worry - my brother hasn’t spoken to me since the day before DHs funeral. I have not got a clue why, but, frankly, I’ve slung him out of my headspace. I can’t be bothered with him.😗

And, no, I wouldn’t bother keeping your son informed. If they remove themselves from the family, then best they get on with it.🙄

Enjoy your keep-fit.🙂

DiamondLily firsts are always hard but so is every anniversary of different events . I can't say for me they have gotten easier as my husband had missed so much 20 years worth. But you cope the best way to you can. And you know what your darling man would want you to do and that's live your life to the full. Grief can be overwhelming at the oddest times but never fight it . I did that thinking I had to be brave I was a fool and hurt myself more. But age does bring wisdom only wish I could have told my 45 year old self that..

It's very sunny here but frosty and seen a wood pigeon with twigs for nest building and thought bit early yet for that.

Ladysusiei glad things went better with your son this time . But don't let you guard down it's an awful.thing when we have to protect ourselves from our own children.

Looking back I remember years ago where I used to live and hearing women say they never saw their children and not understanding why. But of course I do now.

Estrangement like all the other taboo subjects like wife beating , cancer wasn't talked about people said someone had the big C and child abuse was never talked about. Are all out in the open now. Which is a good thing . But where estrangement is talked about it's always the parents who get blamed they must had done something . When in fact it's our children who decide we are disposable. In an age where we are encouraged to recycle everything we can parents aren't recycled just sent to the landfill to be covered over and forgotten.

I am lucky to have my daughter and family .
My brother has a hip reconstruction in a few weeks which will take longer than when he had his new hip 18 years ago . He will be in theatre for 4 hours or more if they have replaced the metal rod as well as the cup joint. He has heart problems he's lost over 7st in 18 months and swims every morning at 6.30 to get himself fit for the op. But he has permanent AF 2 stents in his heart ,had angina ,mini stroke and a bleed on the brain and a stent in his brain . If he dies I won't tell my son as he cut all over side of the family out of their lives. Sorry to sound but down but worried about my brother . I know he will be fine but have that little devil that puts doubts in your mind appeared this morning. Put extra Welly into my sit fit class this afternoon its circuit training this week which is always fun and be back to my positive self.

Very well done Ladysu

DL

Good morning all - for once, it’s not raining here in London. Lovely sunny morning, although still chilly.🌞

It was feeling as if the rain would never stop.

The roses my DS sent have opened up, and bringing a lovely splash of colour to the room.

Things always seem so much better when it’s sunny.🙂

Anyway, hope everyone has a lovely day. 💐

Ladysuisei

@Madgran well considering how hurt and/ or angry I’ve been feeling it’s been difficult to separate my feelings from the situation but I find I’m now managing to . I’m coming to the conclusion which has been said on here that I simply can’t change how my AS is acting . I can choose how I respond which is what I’m trying to do and it’s working !

Well done. It’s often the best way, rather than throwing fuel on the fire. He will do what he does, regardless, so best just try to sort out your own stuff. 💐

@Madgran well considering how hurt and/ or angry I’ve been feeling it’s been difficult to separate my feelings from the situation but I find I’m now managing to . I’m coming to the conclusion which has been said on here that I simply can’t change how my AS is acting . I can choose how I respond which is what I’m trying to do and it’s working !

Well done for staggering through DL. And good to have managed some laughs despite the dificult days

You're an inspiration DL x

Ladysuisei

@Smiles thank you - I’m learning to separate myself slightly I think . It’s probably a way to cope . I do notice that the less interested I appear to be , the better AS responds to me though x

Lady I'm SO pleased it went well. Well done! Keep going with the strategy. Just maybe wider conversations can come later. You are doing brilliantly; a real achievement

Yes, I’m sure. But I am adjusting slowly, albeit with some bad days.

There no way but to just plough on. 🙂

@DiamondLily the firsts are horrible aren’t they …..sadly I’m finding the second year incredibly painful. Realisation has set in which is a different sort of grief x

Ladysuisei

@DiamondLily glad you have survived this weekend.

Yea, I got there. Another “first” done. One more to do.🙄

@DiamondLily glad you have survived this weekend.