The next thread for friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life

TBF MissA you were trying to bring an end to the constant references being made to BPD, and you were spot on last night when you posted "Each time she appears, so do others who want to try and drag the situation back to how it was when she first posted".

"For BPD, the treatment which is proven to work is DBT and no drugs are licensed for the condition. Anyone stating that drugs are appropriate for this are completely wrong". Thank you for clearing that up Ladysu.

If anyone should know, that person is you and you have over the course of this and other threads, demonstrated that you do understand and accept your difficult feelings, which is the aim of DBT.

"I was being driven mad when I was first estranged but that did not mean I was mad" oh me too Yogin and without you and the first of these threads, I may well have gone mad. The last thing anyone needs or wants are armchair psychologists accusing those who are trying to help of being ignorant, when their apparent knowledge and expertise doesn't appear to be as accurate as they would have us believe.

It's lovely to see so much care and support being given here .

Ladysu.
I can only apologise for my part in last night's carry on.

I am very sorry to have been so disrespectful, and I won't do it again.
I'll stay out of things which aren't my business.

@Yogin yes they can check back to previous posts . You raise a really important issue that the stress of possible estrangement can and will cause anxiety and stress and make any type of psychiatric illness worse . For BPD , the treatment which is proven to work is DBT and no drugs are licensed for the condition. Anyone stating that drugs are appropriate for this are completely wrong . Now , for my anxiety disorder which goes alongside this then certain medication is appropriate and will work , but nothing solves a personality disorder. It has to be managed as you know from your daughter . Honestly it’s turning into a huge slanging match on here which is very unusual. xxx

@Allsorts thank you . I have a visit with a psychiatric nurse to discuss a possible appointment with a senior doctor. A gp is not sufficiently experienced in this type of illness to get involved really . Actually the it only of this is that if things calmed down with my son after the baby arrives , then my anxiety levels will go down substantially. We are all worried about my DIL because she’s been unwell , but by being excluded from their lives , I’m feeling increasingly isolated from them . Maybe that’s what my son wants who knows - I certainly don’t at this point in time .

Yoginimeisje

I don't believe that going to your GP for a drug closh is the answer, the stressful situation to deal with is still there, so better to deal with it with a clear mind. I was told to visit my GP on here too and I answered, 'no thanks, this forum is my therapy & sounding board'.

My estD was diagnosed with BPD. Her -caring- H took her to the doctors where she was put on such strong drugs that she couldn't function on them. I told her to half the dose, which she did, and she said she felt tons better & happier. Her darling H took her back to the doctor's and insisted she be put back on the high dose. All to control her, all leading up to estrangement! Drugs are not the way forward.

Ladysu is doing well on what she is doing now, with the help and advice from us estGP here. To insinuate she is mentally unwell is not right. I was being driven mad when I was first estranged but that did not mean I was mad!

I agree with you.

It is not usually a good thing to take actual medical advice from posters on a forum. Random people are not experts.

Not everyone needs counselling, drugs or behavioural therapy.

Sometimes, we just need to address the actual issues.

LadyS has laid out her stress quite clearly.

She is struggling with spousal bereavement, which does poleaxe you.

She is moving home - stress at the best of times.

Her son and DIL appear to be having a massive drama about a brief remark, made after a miscarriage that didn’t happen, and the impending birth of a child.

In most` families, members support each other through bad times, grief and stress. They don’t add to it.

Hopefully, when the child is born the son and DIL might calm down a bit.

Ladysu don't keep repeating yourself for those who haven't bothered to read all your posts, just tell them to check back posts.

I don't believe that going to your GP for a drug closh is the answer, the stressful situation to deal with is still there, so better to deal with it with a clear mind. I was told to visit my GP on here too and I answered, 'no thanks, this forum is my therapy & sounding board'.

My estD was diagnosed with BPD. Her -caring- H took her to the doctors where she was put on such strong drugs that she couldn't function on them. I told her to half the dose, which she did, and she said she felt tons better & happier. Her darling H took her back to the doctor's and insisted she be put back on the high dose. All to control her, all leading up to estrangement! Drugs are not the way forward.

Ladysu is doing well on what she is doing now, with the help and advice from us estGP here. To insinuate she is mentally unwell is not right. I was being driven mad when I was first estranged but that did not mean I was mad!

@Debs8 I’ve previously put details of the things my son has said to me , all delivered with some nice expletives.
I sent my DIL an unconditional apology relating to an incident where I said something ( inadvertently) hurtful . I’ve validated her pain, I’ve accepted accountability for my actions, I’ve told her in future I will think carefully and kindly before saying anything, I’ve told her I can’t change the past but I can change going forward, I told her I love her and miss her , I’ve told her to take more time if this is what’s required, then I asked if she would be prepared to consider my apology, the incident is weighing heavily on me and I would love her to be able to let me apologise. So I’ve covered everything there I think

I have been attempting to address some of the ignorance surrounding the reality of this condition, however, it’s not fair to Ladysu to have her condition discussed in this way so I have nothing further to add. I just hope that Ladysu opens herself up to seeking the relevant treatment and support.

Smileless2012

"so the BPD is a bit of a side issue to the main problem she has. Which is her relationship with her son and DIL, and the drama surrounding this pregnancy" exactly DL.

Ladysu's BPD is one piece of the jigsaw and no one knows better than you Ladysu how this affects you in general and to what extent this stressful situation with your son, coupled with the loss of your partner just over a year ago, is exacerbating it.

You have in previous posts here and elsewhere made it abundantly clear that you are in contact with your GP, so for anyone to suggest that you have not sought treatment and support, would be laughable if it were not so insulting.

To say I'm uncomfortable with some of the responses here recently would be an understatement Madgran. People come her for friendship, advice and support and implications that you are in this extremely stressful and upsetting situation because you have BPD, and that your son and d.i.l. have no responsibility for what's happened and continues to happen, IMO are not in the spirit of friendship or support.

We can see from your posts that you've found the advice and suggestions from Madgran extremely beneficial as well as what's been advised and suggested by others.

This thread exists to provide a 'safe' place for anyone whose life has been affected by estrangement, which includes the fear of being estranged (maybe we should put that in the heading of the next one). It is not a place for petty point scoring which has nothing to do with helping those who need it or for berating a poster in need who had the courage to be so open about their own mental health.

You have in previous posts here and elsewhere made it abundantly clear that you are in contact with your GP, so for anyone to suggest that you have not sought treatment and support, would be laughable if it were not so insulting

The treatment for BPD is DBT. DBT is the support Ladysu needs. Ladysu is not currently receiving or engaging with DBT. So she is not seeking the appropriate treatment. What is laughable or insulting about that?

That would lead me to suggest that it is not I engaging in the “petty point scoring” you mention. My posts here have everything to do with trying to point someone in the direction of the actual help they need.

I don’t think playing these kind of games is appropriate in this situation, Smileless.

Smileless2012

"so the BPD is a bit of a side issue to the main problem she has. Which is her relationship with her son and DIL, and the drama surrounding this pregnancy" exactly DL.

Ladysu's BPD is one piece of the jigsaw and no one knows better than you Ladysu how this affects you in general and to what extent this stressful situation with your son, coupled with the loss of your partner just over a year ago, is exacerbating it.

You have in previous posts here and elsewhere made it abundantly clear that you are in contact with your GP, so for anyone to suggest that you have not sought treatment and support, would be laughable if it were not so insulting.

To say I'm uncomfortable with some of the responses here recently would be an understatement Madgran. People come her for friendship, advice and support and implications that you are in this extremely stressful and upsetting situation because you have BPD, and that your son and d.i.l. have no responsibility for what's happened and continues to happen, IMO are not in the spirit of friendship or support.

We can see from your posts that you've found the advice and suggestions from Madgran extremely beneficial as well as what's been advised and suggested by others.

This thread exists to provide a 'safe' place for anyone whose life has been affected by estrangement, which includes the fear of being estranged (maybe we should put that in the heading of the next one). It is not a place for petty point scoring which has nothing to do with helping those who need it or for berating a poster in need who had the courage to be so open about their own mental health.

Well, yes, her GP is involved, and he’s the only one with her medical records.

I’m not sure what more she can do in regard to her GP. She’s been seeing him.

Her having BPD does not give carte blanche to her family to behave as they like.

But, as with others, I don’t think we should be discussing another poster’s mental health. This is not a health forum.🙂

Madgran77

Without going into details I am actually not ignorant regarding BPD, including spiralling and am well aware of the aspects of that condition, the treatments available including the adapted CPD.

In this context, I have very much advised Lady to utilise a strategy that just might create a situation where she recognises the support she needs and utilises it as described . It also actually calms things down for her and for her son which should help both of them.

As this process continues yes she does need reminding and so far she is responding. For instance her stepping back and accepting that the "lifes too short" message wont help! Maybe she will need reminding again, who knows. But she is trying hard to listen and take advice within the difficult manifestations of BPD.

I see little purpose in continuing this discussion as I dont feel it is helpful to Lady to have herself discussed in this way on this forum; I am uncomfortable with that situation having arisen. Apologies Ladysu it was not the intention atall.

I suggest Lady that you continue your "calm" strategyvwith your son; do talk to your dad; do consider talking to your GP or other support you may already have access to as this is a particularly difficult stressful and triggering time for you

In this context, I have very much advised Lady to utilise a strategy that just might create a situation where she recognises the support she needs and utilises it as described . It also actually calms things down for her and for her son which should help both of them.

That’s about as much help as advising someone with a broken leg to just keep it strapped up and to take care when dragging themselves up and down the stairs, when the actual solution would be medical intervention.

I see little purpose in continuing this discussion as I dont feel it is helpful to Lady to have herself discussed in this way on this forum; I am uncomfortable with that situation having arisen. Apologies Ladysu it was not the intention atall

This, I agree with. I suppose it was inevitable however, when so many people either have no idea of the realities of a condition such as BPD, or seek to trivialise untreated BPD as “mostly manageable”. A good example would be referring to it as a “side issue” in the person’s interpersonal relationship problems, when the reality is that BPD directly results in relationships that are chaotic, intense, and conflict-laden.

The only other thing I wish to say is that Ladysu’s condition is not her fault, at all, but that it is absolutely her responsibility to seek the appropriate treatment for it, that it is never too late to engage with DBT and that I 100% believe that her son and DIL would be supportive of her in taking these step.

"so the BPD is a bit of a side issue to the main problem she has. Which is her relationship with her son and DIL, and the drama surrounding this pregnancy" exactly DL.

Ladysu's BPD is one piece of the jigsaw and no one knows better than you Ladysu how this affects you in general and to what extent this stressful situation with your son, coupled with the loss of your partner just over a year ago, is exacerbating it.

You have in previous posts here and elsewhere made it abundantly clear that you are in contact with your GP, so for anyone to suggest that you have not sought treatment and support, would be laughable if it were not so insulting.

To say I'm uncomfortable with some of the responses here recently would be an understatement Madgran. People come her for friendship, advice and support and implications that you are in this extremely stressful and upsetting situation because you have BPD, and that your son and d.i.l. have no responsibility for what's happened and continues to happen, IMO are not in the spirit of friendship or support.

We can see from your posts that you've found the advice and suggestions from Madgran extremely beneficial as well as what's been advised and suggested by others.

This thread exists to provide a 'safe' place for anyone whose life has been affected by estrangement, which includes the fear of being estranged (maybe we should put that in the heading of the next one). It is not a place for petty point scoring which has nothing to do with helping those who need it or for berating a poster in need who had the courage to be so open about their own mental health.

Yes Madgran good post: QuoteMadgran77 Mon 26-Feb-24 14:16:24

Ladysui, please go to your Doctor and tell him how bad you've become about your situation with your heightened feelings and also your Dil with same diagnosis and he will prescribe something stronger to get you through next few weeks. It is so hard for you, your son is trapped in the middle, he must be so concerned about his wife and unborn child, he must be struggling to keep his job down. He's got this both sides. If possible concentrate on the move if you are sure that's what you've decided on, just take on one big thing to worry about, that way you will get yo a better place. The correct drugs will make such a difference, if you haven't told your GP what you are on doesn't work, he can't help you. Do that today if you can, at keadleast talk it over with a medical professional.

GG65

MissAdventure

Next result from the verywellmind website, updated on the 6th feb this year.

Living with borderline personality disorder (BPD) poses some challenges. Intense emotional pain and feelings of emptiness, desperation, anger, hopelessness, and loneliness are common. These symptoms can affect every part of your life. Despite the challenges, many people with BPD learn how to cope with the symptoms so they can live fulfilling lives.

Again the learn how to cope would imply treatment and support being sought in order to do so.

I’m sure earlier posts from LadySu made it clear that she had sought help from her GP to cope with losing her husband etc.

Her GP will, no doubt, understand her condition better than any of us on here, and sorted out any meds or counselling, so the BPD is a bit of a side issue to the main problem she has.

Which is her relationship with her son and DIL, and the drama surrounding this pregnancy.

Lovely post Whiff, the majority of posters wanting support can see the true essence of the thread and hopefully will continue helping and supporting posters.

I am lucky I had 16 years between when my husband died to when my son estranged me. But the grief for my husband is more intense now that it was when he first died. Ladysusiei had about a year between the death of her partner and he son's impending estrangement.

When our children where young if they were naughty then there where consequences. No allowed to play on Gameboy ,grounded etc. Why do our adult children think there aren't consequences for their behaviour just because they are adults. In fact they should know better especially if they have children of their own. As when their children step out of line then they impose their own consequences. For example no treat , no TV etc.

As adults we know how to deal with people . I treat people how I want to be treated. I can lose my temper and get angry but I don't. Except when I have a rant at my husband. I know he's dead but I have talked to him everyday for 20 years because it gives me comfort and having a good rant at him I then see him with that stupid grin on his face and in my mind he is saying feeling better and I do.

When I was first estranged I hoped my son when he said give me some time he would then talk to me and I would beable to put him right on his accusations and assumptions. Instead as I have already said about the gifts coming back and his hand written letter. Which finalised things. I have only text him 3 times since May 2020 last year was the last time . I had already decided if I got silence or abuse I am done got abuse. So that's it. He is and always will be my son and I have 3 grandson's who will always be my grandsons and there's not a dam thing my son or daughter in law can do about it.

All I have had to do in my life my son's estrangement while it hurt at the time is a mere blip on things I have done. I know who I am and what my faults are but being a bad mother,mother in law or grandmother is none of those things.

Isn't there a saying to be to thy own self be true. Can't remember the exact wording. Well I am being true to myself. I know I am a good mom,mother in law and grandmother and a good person .

Anyone who has been reading this thread the last couple of days who need help and support hopefully won't be put off from posting or contacting one of us via PM . As it's turned into a slanging match.

I hate it when anyone repeats word for word what I said. I know what I said as I wrote it I don't need anyone to remind me. Never understand why people do that as it happens on other threads but not as often as here. Does the person doing it because they are throwing my words back at me think it will change how I write it well it won't . If someone mentions a sentence I write thats fine but why the whole of my ramble? What point are they trying to make?

Pettiness has creeped onto this thread but as it's been going 11 years if they think it will stop the thread then they are mistaken. Just hope it hasn't stopped someone reaching out for help who needs it. As the thread isn't normally like this . So if anyone does need help don't be frightened off by the last couple of days and if you feel you will be attacked then PM someone you feel you can talk to and you will get a response and helped in anyway possible.

Without going into details I am actually not ignorant regarding BPD, including spiralling and am well aware of the aspects of that condition, the treatments available including the adapted CPD.

In this context, I have very much advised Lady to utilise a strategy that just might create a situation where she recognises the support she needs and utilises it as described . It also actually calms things down for her and for her son which should help both of them.

As this process continues yes she does need reminding and so far she is responding. For instance her stepping back and accepting that the "lifes too short" message wont help! Maybe she will need reminding again, who knows. But she is trying hard to listen and take advice within the difficult manifestations of BPD.

I see little purpose in continuing this discussion as I dont feel it is helpful to Lady to have herself discussed in this way on this forum; I am uncomfortable with that situation having arisen. Apologies Ladysu it was not the intention atall.

I suggest Lady that you continue your "calm" strategyvwith your son; do talk to your dad; do consider talking to your GP or other support you may already have access to as this is a particularly difficult stressful and triggering time for you

MissAdventure

Yeah.
You should try it sometime

Lol.

Yeah.
You should try it sometime

MissAdventure

Note - personality disorder.

See, I did know.

Amazing what you can learn from Google, isn’t it!

MissAdventure

Next result from the verywellmind website, updated on the 6th feb this year.

Living with borderline personality disorder (BPD) poses some challenges. Intense emotional pain and feelings of emptiness, desperation, anger, hopelessness, and loneliness are common. These symptoms can affect every part of your life. Despite the challenges, many people with BPD learn how to cope with the symptoms so they can live fulfilling lives.

Again the learn how to cope would imply treatment and support being sought in order to do so.

Now I shall take your advice and move on.

Note - personality disorder.

See, I did know.