The next thread for friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life

That's wonderful Ladysu well done .

As Whiff's posted, you've certainly changed since you first posted here and have come on in leaps and bounds. I can't tell you how pleased I am for you.

This newly found self confidence and independence from your son is a new chapter in your life.

Ladysusiei glad you have a home you are happy in . You have changed such a lot since you first posted . Can see you are lot stronger and standing up for yourself and sorting things out for yourself . Glad you took the advice many gave you regarding your son.

Bet you dad has seen a difference in you and that will have made him happy. Bet your cat is happy to .

I hope you have a long water tight rental agreement so you can stay there as long as you want. I know it feels different without your partner but hope the house looks different in some respects to when you lived there before and all the work has been done to a high standard.

What did make me laugh when you said your son and daughter in law found parenthood difficult. What did they expect . Being a parent is difficult did they expect to live the life they had before . If they are finding it difficult just want until the baby is on the move . When his a teenager then they had better watch out.

My husband's ashes are in a wooden box inside a cardboard box in my wardrobe and they will be scattered with mine by my daughter. I went with my dad to get them. And put them straight into the wardrobe. When I moved here asked my daughter if it was ok to have them in the car she said where else would they be , then into my wardrobe where they will stay. I know some people have them in an urn on display but not for me. Just something else that would need dusting.

It was 16.5° in my living room this morning so had the heating on while I had my shower to chilly without. Even though the sun is out there's no warmth in it. May doesn't look like it's going to get any warmer.

Have a good day everyone. Got my tea towel ready for my sit fit class tomorrow no idea what we will be doing with it. But should be fun .

Ladysue Well done! And keep going ...💐

Ladysusei - glad you’re finding it a bit easier to stand alone, and meet challenges.

Backing off and refusing to engage with his stroppiness is probably a good idea. It seems a huge drama over a baby being born, but I guess some people are like that.🤷‍♀️

As for housing benefit, well most of these claims have been hived off to a notorious private company, who are eye wateringly inefficient.🙄

I help neighbours, and it often takes weeks to sort out. Your landlords will just have to be patient.

DD took me to pick up DHs ashes about a week after the funeral.

I don’t want to see them or an urn, or anything, so they’re tucked away in a top box until I shuffle off this mortal coil. Out of sight works best for me. He wanted our ashes scattered together.

Hope your house works out ok for you.💐

What an encouraging post Lady su, im so pleased you have moved and settled into your new home and have found your inner strength, good luck to you 💐

Hello !! I did it - I moved ! Into the house . It’s been fraught with so many difficulties. The pre-payment meters were left in debt and the hose off power . Who sorted it ? Me ! On my own - with the help of a friend 🤣 not my son . I’ve continued to speak to him once a week , sometimes he’s odd . I begin to question whether there might be something underlying- he constantly says he’s too busy to see me . Apparently parenthood is so difficult for them both they’re not seeing anyone . I don’t know what to make of it . All I can say is that I’m giving him space , I’m keeping calm on the phone and I rarely message him . I need to message him today , but I don’t know if he will answer. Unfortunately he’s responsible for my late partner’s ashes which , because of being in unstable living conditions since his death have remained at the funeral home. I’m ready to bring him home now . The urn is in order . I say urn - it’s more like a piece of modern art with a sculpture on top signifying enduring love . It’s expensive but he’s worth it . My son signed initial paperwork so ultimately will have to sign them over to me to organise my sister to collect. I still can’t face going inythe funeral home . As DL will know , losing your love of your life , particularly when it’s so sudden you can’t put any plans in place ( other than our wills ) turns your world upside down . So I am getting the urn with my darling inside it collected , so my so will have to find the time to make a simple phone call or do an email to them giving authority to me .
It’s a funny and weird situation I find myself in with my son . We are perfectly friendly now ( other than his moods ) but I don’t see him often . He’s told me they’ll come to visit me at the new old house though . I’m taking advice onboard here and backing right off . I’ve learned that pushing him doesn’t work . In fact I’m pretty nonchalant about when he’s going to ring me , but when I put the ball in his court and say “ oh we’ll just ring if you feel like , hopefully I’ll be free” or similar, then he ALWSYS says no , I will ring you . Weird isn’t it ? He wants contact to carry on but he likes taking his moods out on me . What he doesn’t seem to realise is that I don’t care about his moods . Yesterday he started getting disrespectful on the phone to me and as advised by so many in here , I warned him I’d end the call if he didn’t stop . Well he stopped. My change in attitude seems to be foxing him a bit , but , guess what ? In myself I feel stronger. So many things are challenging at the moment. I have an ongoing situation over my housing benefit claim - oh god don’t get me into this . The council are in the habit of losing paperwork then asking for the same information 3 times over , now they suspend my claim whilst they gather evidence, it’s ridiculous. I’ve sent them a flurry of anxious emails , sounding totally irrational. Then I told them forget it , cancel my claim , thought this in itself irrational!! So I sent another one last night asking them to ring me Monday morning, I’ve provided the information AGAIN ( 4th time) and said if they can assure me they won’t keep messing me around then I’ll continue with it ! They will read all the emails and come to the conclusion that my anxiety is , in fact , as bad as I say it is . We will see how this goes tomorrow. I’ll speak to them and see . All this stress and no support from my son . In years gone by he would have been there to lend his support, just a hug or a few words of moral support but I’m learning to just get through things without leaning on him . It’s sad but we’re not estranged. I don’t know what’s going on in his life I may never know , but for the time being I accept. Sadly my grandson who is almost 6 weeks old has inky been brought to visit once . BUT I will add I’m in contact with my sister in law and she’s hardly seeing them either . This is my DIL’s mum ? I always expected her to be really involved but it’s not the case . This does worry me slightly because I believe there might be something wrong. I just don’t know , I really hope not . Anyway sorry for the long rambling post ( lol Whiff ) and I hope everyone on this thread is doing ok , even with our difficulties. If I can develop my own inner strength despite everything that’s been going on lately ( and continues to go on ) then there’s hope - honestly. It really is true , you can’t change the actions of anyone else , but you can change how you react to these things ( omg did I actually say that !) . I am a totally different person nowadays- yes very lonely since I lost my beloved partner but there’s no way a relationship my son will ever make up for his loss . Take care

Yogin CP is Cerebal Palsy.

Buffy sorry about your daughter . The more I read about parents frightened to say the wrong thing or say it's like walking on egg shells I am glad my son did it via email even though it was cruel and cowardly. He should have told me the last time I saw him it would be the last time and I was no longer wanted as his mom .

I have never pried into my children's life. My husband and I decided that once they reached an age they didn't tell us every thing about their day we wouldn't ask . We suck to that and after he died I have as well. I bit my tongue often in my son and daughter in laws company and never bit when my daughter in law slanged off my daughter because I knew my daughter wouldn't care and my daughter in law was jealous of my daughter. They never got on from their first meeting . But when we where all together they where civil to eachother.

It was only after the emails to me and my daughter my son in law said he knew something was wrong for years but didn't want to hurt me. And that's the big difference my daughter and son in law don't want to hurt me. But my son and daughter in law decided to hurt me in the worst way they could think of.

Before we had the children we decided no subject would be taboo and the children would get answers to their questions. Which meant trips to the library to look some things up. As no Goggle in those days.

I don't know what it is with adult children they think they are perfect especially perfect parents . They are not and one day my son and daughter in law will have their wake up call when my grandsons tell them all the things they did wrong bringing them up.

I would never of dreamed of telling my parents the things they did wrong . You don't do that to people you love.

Babies don't come with an instruction manual . You come home with your baby and wing it and do the best you can. Never thinking one day they will decide you are disposable.

I hated my in laws and hated my mother in law for 40 years but I looked after her as she out lived my husband by 11 years. I never dreamed of not having anything to do with her. Even though she denied she had a son or 2 grandchildren. We all have to live with ourselves and I couldn't abandon her as much as I hated her . She refused to go to both the children's weddings . Wild horses wouldn't have kept my mom away.

I ramble on as you can tell. But Buffy this isn't a doom and gloom thread and we talk about anything . But know you wouldn't be judged but supported,understood ,advice if you need but most importantly friendship. You are not alone.

I suppose it depends on what they're being criticised for and by whom.

It's the nature of close relationships for there to be ups and downs and it must be stressful Buffy if you feel you have to always be on your guard for fear of saying the 'wrong' thing to your DD.

That's the thing Yogin it looks warm because it's sunny until you venture outside. Our dogs are still wearing their jumpers when we take them out because the wind is so cold, even though the forecasters always describe is as chilly.

My DD and I get along well for many months and I think nothing can possibly spoil this wonderful relationship - and then something small happens and upsets the apple cart. I try not to be interfering but I can’t always keep my thoughts myself. There’s a fine line I still haven’t learned not to cross.
Isn’t it funny that we can say things about our loved ones but if someone else agrees or criticises them we jump to their defence.

A mother's curse is always to love her child

Cold here too Smiles. Only 3` when I got up, now 5`, but sitting in the warm looking out onto the sunny garden, it looks like a lovely warm day

Hope you enjoy your holiday Whiff, when are you going?
What is CP?

The only one hurting is us. Our estranged children don't care.

Yes Whiff it's a hard pill to swallow, but the above is true, hard to get your head round the fact but as painful as it is to acknowledge, you have to and move on.

Morning all, lovely and sunny at the mo.

No Hilltop, don't think any of us have really. As I've said before, it took me 6yrs to move on. I too would have similar situations like you, they lessen as time goes on, but they don't completely go. I still think I spot my estD as I drive along, but not her.

Morning everyone.

That poor lady Whiff [sad[ sometimes it's hard to believe that people can be so cruel isn't it.

No requests so far Allsorts, not even any to stop so I'll take that as a positive .

Whiff, I think how lonely that lady on the bus must be, her own family should be supporting her,not making her feel worthless, then you can't choose your family.. Perhaps her neighbours are old or not able to help with her garage door, I know mine is solid steel and would need professionals to put it back on its hinges.
Smileless the singing lessons have obviously helped, wonder if you will be having requests from neighbours. If I sang opera it would be requests to cease.

Allsorts I use my backpack all the time. It will go with my on holiday.

I love that operatic piece Smiles . Hope Mr S won.

Spring it is hard to give up hope but we have to for our own piece of mind

I have what I call bus friends . People I just met on the bus we always sit together and have a chat. L told me something heartbreaking today. She just found out her dad died in March . Her brother told her she asked him why he hadn't told her before and he said he didn't want her at the funeral because she was born with CP . How cruel could he be . She is very independent and gets out most days . Unlike me she doesn't need a walking stick to get about. She started to cry . I don't think she is as old as me we have never discussed age. How cruel can anyone be to use her disability against her. And her garage door came off it's hinges and she can't shut it. I told her a company that fitted my new garage door. She doesn't have internet . So I said if she goes into a charity shop they will find the phone number for her. None of her neighbours would help her. She got off the bus before me .The bus driver said if she went into the pub near her home someone would help her but she said she didn't go into pubs. I didn't think to tell her to phone the council as they would help her. I thanked the bus driver when I got off he said he lives near her but not sure of her number otherwise he would help her.

I am very lucky with my neighbours as they help eachother . I help where I can. In my old house I could have been dead for a week and no one would have noticed.

Sounds like you have a lovely morning planned Smiles 😊😊

Morning everyone.

Another wet and cold day here. I couldn't believe how cold it was yesterday, it felt like winter!!!

We've all done that I'm sure Hilltop, I know I used too before we moved but for me as he lived just up the road, it was when I heard someone open the gate, when I wasn't expecting anyone. My heart would literally skip a beat at that brief thought that it just might be our ES.

It isn't a weak moment it's a natural one, and more likely to happen if you're feeling unwell because those would have been the times when just hearing the sound of their voice would bring comfort .

Looks like you're organised for your holiday Whiff and great that you have your bus pass so will be able to make the most of seeing the sights for free .

I think a stranger can give estrangement the perspective we need Spring. Even if family and friends really believe that our EAC wont be coming back, it's not an easy thing to say to someone you love and care about, about someone they love and care about too.

I have the house to myself this morning as Mr. S. is going indoor bowling which is just as well, as because of the weather he's yet to manage an outdoor match .

So, I'll use the time to practice a new piece for my choir which they'll have gone through while I was away, and a new piece for my music teacher. a duet 'Ombra Mai Fu' from Handles opera Serse.

The dogs seem to have got used to me practising opera now, and have stopped giving me that 'what on earth are you doing mum' look .

Took a counsellor to tell me EC was not coming back for me to believe it and move on. Oddly a stranger saying it gave perspective. The counsellor has experience in estrangement so I imagine they understand the psychology of it more. Regardless, they were right ☹️ Hope you have a lovely holiday Whiff - will be good to get away and have new experiences. Envy you the bus pass!
Sun shining here today. Sadly have lots of admin tasks needing attention but maybe a walk later. Have a good day all.

Hilltop, we all have those moments even if we accept . 💐
Whiff, congratulations, a full bus pass, the world your oyster now. I always carry a light wind proof waterproof jacket on holiday as I like boat rides and even in a nice day it gets cold as you go out, always a knitted hat, that’s why a rucksack is so useful, distributes the weight and leaves your arms free.

Whiff, thank you. I know really you are correct and ES will not come. But knowing it still doesn't stop me having these moments.
I hope none of you have got this awful sore throat, coughs and sneezes and tiredness I'm just trying to get rid of. That's my excuse for my "weak moment " this time. But I've got to stop it happening again so l know that l have fully accepted estrangement.

Hilltop I thought the same as you. Must be a couple of years now. There was a car same colour and make as my son's and I stood by the window to see who it was but of course it wasn't my son. Last year decided to let go and stop hoping. It was the best thing I could have done for me. Because that's what we have to do we have to say enough is enough. The only one hurting is us. Our estranged children don't care.

Tuesday it will be 4 years since I last saw and spoke to my son it was my birthday. Then 4 days later he sent the emails to me and his sister. And that it was it.

We all have our weak moments . We are human not robots . Accepting it's over is very hard . But my husband dieing hurts me far more than what my son has done. He is still alive at least.

Allsorts being looking at the weather for Berwick so decided to take my winter waterproof. And plenty to layer up. Had my new bus pass yesterday the pensioner one so I can use it on the buses for free in Berwick. And still use it on the buses here and my local trains.

Please, How can l stop this?
I have not seen ES for five years and I've tried to adjust to the estrangement and get on with my own stuff.
But this morning there was a strange car parked in the road outside my house. It's not somewhere cars park usually and l could not see the driver. I immediately thought, is it him, wondering whether to come and knock.
I knew it would not be him of course, but l watched the car till it drove away, probably been answering phone or something.
I've done this before, it is my weak spot.
I wish l could stop it, no way would he just turn up (but there again, he might)
Has anyone found a way to stop these sort of thoughts?

Not long now Whiff, weather warming up nicely.
Spring, we all have to make the best of our lives when estranged as they won’t be worrying about us. I think
if like Smileless and Whiff there were grandchildren I never got to meet, I too would not want to see pictures of them, we
don’t know what any estranged gc is told about us or if we are ever mentioned but I think if we were talked about it would be far from complimentary to justify their actions.

Wellbeck a sumo suit made me laugh . I had my own when I was over 19st and size 32 it was call fat not plastic . 7st lighter and size 16. 🤣. Luckily haven't broken any bones but used to falling. At least since I had my diagnosis in 2022 I understand what can set off my startle reflex and fall. My life makes sense and having treatment. No cure as it's a rare gene mutation. But thanks to my HPX group I am not alone having this . I am not weird.

Spring accepting things won't change is hard but it's such a relief when you do . Well it did for me. My husband dieing hurts far more than the loss of my son and 3 grandson's.

Had my hair cut today ready for my hols. Hope you all have the sun today . It's cold but better than raining.

Smiles xx