Advice regarding my GD living in Australia

Maybe now is the time to change arrangements - holiday closer to your daughter so the father can have his contact. While he is seeing her take your daughter for a shorter nearer break or sight see in her area. It's very difficult. DD2 going through court just now for contact arrangements with DGS2 father (takes drugs). He makes things very difficult but DGS2 loves his Dad too so we make sure he sees him regularly.

This is awful.

The OP posted on another thread about seeking legal advice to help facilitate her holiday, which includes seeing her grandchild. That was the premise of the thread. OP posted about inconveniences, distances, money spent, and travel time. These were the primary complaints about the inconvenient visitation agreement--a time when her grandchild's life is being completely disrupted by divorce.

Replies weren't favorable so we have a new thread with escalating details.

The father later becomes described as being unsafe, yet at the same time the mother of the child is perfectly happy with the unsafe father taking the child to Italy one day..

Now more than ever, the child needs to get used to the routine of spending time with her dad. Tantrums are a perfectly normal response to a child's separation from the primary caregiver--especially during such an upheaval as parental separation. Not a red flag by a long shot. A holiday with granny is not nearly as important as stabilizing this child's life right now. The dad doesn't want to spend weeks away from his child at this time and he isn't a villain because of that.

In my opinion, a person who is putting the wellbeing of a child they love first isn't going to seek out how to weaponize the legal system so their holiday wishes can be fulfilled. That is not okay.

If the child is struggling to adjust to the recent new changes in her life , ( she is crying when having to leave mum ) maybe it would be in child's best interest to stick with present routine so she is able to adjust . After all according to OP this is a recent split . That in my opinion is in child's best interest .

Incidentally we did some of the father’s childcare for him, thus saving him money. He was happy to avail himself of free childcare. We were happy to care for our grandchildren though.

Thank you Glorrianny. Yes I probably should have used the word word.

I agree with your post. There needs to be compromise. Whilst we were in New Zealand both times, the children saw their father just as they normally do, except a couple of weekends away, when he agreed to them going with us and their mother. That was year one though, I’m not sure he would have been so willing to compromise now. He assaulted my husband in an unprovoked attack whilst we were handing over, not children, but clothing we had laundered.

Sorry maddyone if I misunderstood but you did say either parent that seemed to mean one parent rather than both.

It would of course also be possible for the mother to offer the father a trade off- if the GPs are here he can see the child for some of what would be her time, in exchange for some of his.
But of course he might have work commitments, which is another reason he might want to have his time so regimented. Making time for children and work can be difficult and mean lots of arrangements.

No, the OP doesn’t sound as if she is wanting to compromise.
As to the father being intransigent, yes he is. He is refusing to allow his child a holiday. But in difficult and acrimonious divorces, this is not uncommon.
I imagine that’s why a parent with parental responsibility is allowed to take their child abroad/on holiday for up to a month in this country. Six hours drive is a long time, but a parent taking a child abroad in this country would be travelling for longer than six hours. However, reasonable parents allow their children a holiday with the other parent, and would then spend longer with their child on holiday themselves or even at home.
Having said that, I don’t see the need for a holiday of six weeks.

I do know Australia (well, parts of it).
Sun, sand and surf
There are lots of other options.

Callistemon21

We only know one side of this story.

I still don't understand why the holiday has to be a six hour drive away from where the child lives.

Some compromise is needed here.

The OP made mention that it was a "Beach Holiday" so presumably they have to travel for that. Australia is such a big place with different climates so if they live in a more "British Climate", they may be heading out to somewhere they know they will definitely get sun, sand and surf. That wouldn't be unreasonable but for the access arrangements.

I fell in love with my husband because his base line was "what was in the best interests of the child." Even when his ex-wife decided that she was whipping the children away to live 250 miles away, his first consideration was what was best for them. He feared if he said no, his wife would use them as pawns but even worse, would go without them. He thought that would be so detrimental, he agreed to the move. After the battle I had with my ex, it was refreshing!

Is he intransigent?
Or is he just wanting to continue seeing his daughter during that month?
A month is a long time in a 3 year old's life.
I must say that the OP sounds rather intransigent too, asking if anyone knows the legal position.

It doesn't bode well for future visits.

Some compromise is needed here

Agreed, but unlikely with an intransigent parent.

Glorrianny
In Britain both parents can have parental responsibility after divorce. I know this because a lawyer in the family court told me. I was also told that either parent with parental responsibility can take their child on holiday, or abroad, for up to one month. It’s not my opinion, it’s a fact.

We only know one side of this story.

I still don't understand why the holiday has to be a six hour drive away from where the child lives.

Some compromise is needed here.

I was thinking that when I collected my GS from school and he screamed his head off at me (he was in reception so just over 4), many of you would have assumed I was mistreating him. He kept it up for almost 15 mins whilst we waited for his big sister. He'd been told that he could not have his friend to play that night and all playdates had to be arranged with grown ups. He didn't like that. Children scream at people sometimes purely because they can't have their own way and they are angry about it.

As for parental responsibility in the UK now if the parents were married both have parental responsibility after any divorce and in some cases both can have parental responsibility even if they were not married. It only becomes one parent's if a court rules it so.

Good post i anhandthemback.
We don’t know the other side of the story, and the child is very young. Young children often prefer to be with their mothers. When my daughter was three, she would have been distraught to be separated from me, even to go to her wonderful father. My boys, maybe not so much.
I don’t think many people really understand the level of control that ex husbands, all too often, try to exert. I’m just wondering why this father is so intransigent and why arrangements couldn’t be made with some compromise on all sides. For what it’s worth I think he’s being as difficult as he can be, because he can. He wants to scupper the holiday. As I said, the family will need to holiday not very far from the town they live in, it appears. Another possible compromise could be that the family go for one week, or even two, to the seaside. Maybe they could negotiate that, though it sounds as if this father will be unwilling to compromise. Unfortunately that probably means that the wife will be equally unwilling to compromise in the future, should the father want something out of the ordinary care arrangements.

I can see what you are saying, Maddyone and it would be a worry for me as a mother. My children would get upset at access with their father when they were younger and as he was only abusive to me rather than them, I had to get somebody to assist with handover which really helped take the tension out of things. However, in the long run access was just a stick to beat me with and a means of trying to get back into my life so when I wouldn't play ball, it all broke down. I am a huge supporter of a child's right for access to both parents but found myself in a situation with mine that didn't give them that right.
We are also only getting one side of the story too. We don't know if the child is upset at going to Dad's because she has overheard stuff that worries her or whether she is just really close to her Mum and it is a case of getting used to the separation. Mums are hugely protective of their children's feelings so it may be that this Mum is unwittingly sending out stress signals that also contribute to the stress of her daughter. We really can't judge all the nitty gritty detail.

Many divorced couples are able to manage holidays, with the father taking the children away for a holiday (when obviously mum doesn’t see the children) and another time the mother takes them away (and obviously during that time the father doesn’t see the children.)
However sometimes there has been domestic violence, coercive control, or other undesirable happenings in a marriage. These need to be taken into consideration. Many men, in a desire to control their ex wife, refuse to pay the child support that they should pay. Marriages break down for many reasons and I’ve mentioned some of the reasons.
That this little girl screams and cries and has to be forced into her child seat is a read flag to me. Why does she scream? Additionally the refusal to allow the child a holiday unless near his home screams control to me. As I said, many divorced parents allow their ex to take their children away on holiday. This person doesn’t want to allow it. Why?
Additionally if this couple lived in the UK, either parent who has parental responsibility can take their child on holiday, including abroad, for up to one month. I’ve been told this by a lawyer, it’s not an opinion.
Anyway the OP has little choice but to holiday with her daughter somewhere very near where the daughter and her ex live. Then the child can join them on the mother’s days. It’s the compromise that I would make and will probably be the best thing all round since the father is so determined to control the situation.

Just noticed this thread is very similar to the other one. Maybe they should be combined? I can’t understand them, they seem a bit muddled.

If I am right, he has the GC for 3 days a week while you are there. It means while you are at the vacation rental she will have to be returned to her father for weekends, resulting in 3 x 6hr return trips.

Perhaps your daughter could ask for just one of the weekend visits to be delayed or traded for his vacation time, so you could at least have a two week stretch of time together. Your daughter could do the same for him when he wanted vacation time or when his family visited. That would be reasonable.

If the father doesn't budge, then maybe you could find a vacation spot closer to home so the travel wouldn't be as arduous?

Divorces are hard on everyone and concessions need to be made. The children should hopefully come first in decision making.

Your role in this is to make is to make things as easy as possible for your GD.

This, exactly.

But do not assume that either parent is doing that.

No Callistemon, possibly not, but it seems the situation is fractious.
I have some experience in this area.

Asking for legal advice and trying to prevent the father seeing his daughter because the grandparents want to spend all their holiday with the little girl is not going to make the situation any better, is it.

I was just wondering if the GD screams and yells at her grandparents when they are in Australia will they immediately deliver her back to her dad?

Sorry Cleverfairy13 but one of the things you have to learn as the grandparent of children whose parents have divorced is that nothing can remain exactly as it was.
Your role in this is to try and make things as easy as possible for your GD. That means accepting that she has two parents who care for her and who she will spend time with. You may not like the man but he is her dad.
So forget any previous arrangements, they are dead and gone.
Look for different ways you can spend time with your GD and stay on civil terms with her dad . It will all work out so much better if you are reasonable and try to negotiate, rather than becoming confrontational.

I just don’t think some posters understand the situation.
verbally abusing her mother in front of her
Doesn’t sound like a nice, happy parenting agreement to me.
It sounds extremely acrimonious and emotionally damaging to the grandchild.
Apparently he refused to sign the parenting agreement. Why?
Was he abusive before the separation?
If I was the mother, I’d be extremely unhappy about my child being strapped, screaming and crying, into a car seat and then taken off for access. This situation needs further exploration and resolution in my opinion. Maybe the courts need to be involved.