Adult children estrangement

Oh it wasn't my words!!
I just copy and paste it, bexause it was so succinct an explanation.

You summed up what coercive control is perfectly MissA.

Sorry! Just wanted to agree whole heartedly out MissA’s post

MissAdventure

^Coercive control, which can encompass all these things, is a relatively new term. It’s used to describe patterns of behaviour where a person seeks to control and manipulate the life of another person.

It’s a type of abuse that often starts slowly but increases over time, and it is frequently mixed with loving and conciliatory behaviour from the perpetrator. This inconsistency, and the fact that it does not always involve physical violence, means coercive control can be difficult to recognise and very difficult to prove^

You're welcome, Sinbad.
Post again if you need support, although none of us can do much other than make suggestions.
Good luck!

Thank you @misadventure, I'll read up on it a bit more.
Can i just say thank you to everybody whos posted on here. You've confirmed some things, given me things to think about, shown me a way forward and most of all made me feel better.
It is hard, and its not a quick fix. It might not even get fixed. But at least i know where to focus and know the path i was taking isnt selfish.
Thanks everyone xxxxx

Coercive control, which can encompass all these things, is a relatively new term. It’s used to describe patterns of behaviour where a person seeks to control and manipulate the life of another person.

It’s a type of abuse that often starts slowly but increases over time, and it is frequently mixed with loving and conciliatory behaviour from the perpetrator. This inconsistency, and the fact that it does not always involve physical violence, means coercive control can be difficult to recognise and very difficult to prove

In my experience, what I think people want to hear from you is that you are listening to them and hearing what they are saying. Whether they are right or not, there is a reason for them saying what they are saying. Either because it's true, or because there is some other reason behind their hurt, & you need to find out which it is. If you can, try to keep 'neutral' and see it from both sides. Play the "what if" game for a while....ie "what if they are right and my son has been aggressive to them? How would I feel if I dismissed them?". So listen to them. Ask them to put themselves in your shoes - say that this has come out of the blue for you, and in order to understand this new situation you need them to explain it to you. Tell them that if they are right then you will of course deal with your son & his behaviour, but that first you need to them to show you what they mean, eg he hasn't actually done anything but has your son inadvertently copied one aspect of his father's language & that is what's scaring them? That's what I'd do...

@pascal30 you might be right. I just thought that because shes the only one without any income until she finishes her education id help her. Its her final year and this is the last bit, i want her to do well. But I admit doing in under the circumstances we're in right now isn't helping anyone.
Shes already told me this is how I'm going to be remembered by her.

I think you can't see the wood for the trees, Sinbad.
You are entitled to live your life comfortably, and free from being coerced.

Sinbad1700

@misadventure this is where i am now. I have seen a house and now need to put mine on the market. I havent even put an offer in, i dont have any timescales, and the response to that was that d2 now doesnt want to go to counselling, even though I've told her she can stay with me till she finishes her phd even when/ if we move.

So there you have it.. enabling them to treat you this way.. It sounds as though you are way too involved in their lives.. Give them a helping hand financially to live independently and let them go..

@misadventure wow i didn't see that coming. I thought it was my fault.

That is her choice, as an adult woman.
It's blackmail, of course, but if that is how she wants to be, it's up to her.

@bluebell thank you. I will do this.

@violetsky i dont underestimate the impact its had on them, and I'm trying to help them the best way i know how to.

@misadventure this is where i am now. I have seen a house and now need to put mine on the market. I havent even put an offer in, i dont have any timescales, and the response to that was that d2 now doesnt want to go to counselling, even though I've told her she can stay with me till she finishes her phd even when/ if we move.

But Sinbad you need no one’s permission to live your life how you wish
I think you are trying to please everyone and pleasing no one Enough is enough don’t ask, don’t plead, don’t whinge and whine, just tell them what you are doing and give them all a good time frame to move out BUT stick to it you are going round in ever decreasing circles to try and appease all your children YOU CANT so do what’s right for you

Your children are 25, 27, and 28 they are well old enough to be out in the world fending for themselves and looking out for you

You HAVE to be stronger and harder because this isn’t working is it ? you tell them you are selling up and moving and they ve got 3 months to get themselves sorted
It’s so easy to over compensate when you are the single parent you feel guilty, you want to give them two lots of love, for the absent parent, you want to make it right (been there) but at the end of the day they need to respect you and they ARE NOT
You cannot compensate for a bad father or being a single parent You did your best under difficult circumstances but you are doing no one any favours if you let these two women bully you into a situation you don’t want

There is another elephant in the room here

These children grew up in an abusive household and that situation wasn't resolved until the point that social services were involved and the children would be removed.

That will definitely have had an impact on all 3 of these children and they will be affecting their ability to cope in life whether they are aware of it or not

Can your daughters go to live with their father?

Or share a flat somewhere?

I would like to live with my son again, but i also want him to (and he told me he has his own aspirations to) have his own place, get married some day and have children.
I love my girls, they are individually amazing people. They see me as their antagonist now though, and their rejection kills me more than anything I've ever experienced

Well you’ve done enough for them over the years, maybe too much because you’ve over compensated due to feeling guilty about the divorce? ( maybe? )
It’s your life too & you need happiness, or even just peace.
All the best.

Why not start looking, seriously, at downsizing?
Browse through pictures and details of places, and imagine how you would fit into a new, stress free environment.

When they've done so much for me through the time we were still living with my ex, and the time going through the divorce