Estrangement advice

Madgran77

DiamondLily

I think some people are easier to read than others. DH used to say I could read him like a book - but I misjudged it a bit with his kids.

I worked on the assumption (as I had with my kids) that if you love and support people, they do the same.

It, obviously, doesn’t always work that way.

Which is a shame, but, whatever floats their boat.

I certainly recognise that assumption DL. I think it's one that most people would make!

Yes, we are sometimes easily fooled. But, we live and learn. 🙂

Ok Violet.

I've explained myself. You've explained yourself. Apparently both misunderstanding each other. So be it.

DL Yes, we are sometimes easily fooled. But, we live and learn

Indeed we do

Regarding chances to change…

I think it completely depends on the circumstances and context. My husband and kids(and by extension, their partners)? They matter, so of course I’m going to work to get the relationship back on track. Anyone else? Nah, probably not. I’ve spent too many years setting myself on fire to keep others warm, and I value my peace now.

I’m polite, civil and keep things surface level in a group setting, avoid anything more personal. I simply don’t have the interest, energy or patience to deal with someone who’s already shown themselves to be problematic.

And I’m not talking odd or quirky. Those are my people 🤣. I mean rude, unkind, disrespectful people. One of the fastest ways to know how someone is? Watch how they treat waitstaff or retail employees. If I witness someone treating waitstaff or customer service workers like garbage? Nope. Done.

The key is calm, reliable, warm, consistent, honest and to use an overused word - kind. Avoid game players, manipulators and selfish, thiughtful people. Many families include this personality type. If a distant relative, keep at an emotional distance. Otherwise be very careful not to be drawn into their dance

Good post Iam.

Sorry -that should say ‘thoughtless people’.

Yes, I knew what you meant

Madgran77

Ok Violet.

I've explained myself. You've explained yourself. Apparently both misunderstanding each other. So be it.

Just chatting Madgran nothing bad meant to you by it

MercuryQueen

Regarding chances to change…

I think it completely depends on the circumstances and context. My husband and kids(and by extension, their partners)? They matter, so of course I’m going to work to get the relationship back on track. Anyone else? Nah, probably not. I’ve spent too many years setting myself on fire to keep others warm, and I value my peace now.

I’m polite, civil and keep things surface level in a group setting, avoid anything more personal. I simply don’t have the interest, energy or patience to deal with someone who’s already shown themselves to be problematic.

And I’m not talking odd or quirky. Those are my people 🤣. I mean rude, unkind, disrespectful people. One of the fastest ways to know how someone is? Watch how they treat waitstaff or retail employees. If I witness someone treating waitstaff or customer service workers like garbage? Nope. Done.

Oh gosh yes! That's another massive red flag isn't it!

I had a friend I distanced myself from, it was awful! She would be rude and unkind and somehow get a free meal every time we went out and I couldn't face it anymore

Just chatting Madgran nothing bad meant to you

I didnt think there was! Why on earth would I!

Vibes

VioletSky

Vibes

Interpretation!! Dear dear me!

I think I am just wary of a lot of exclamation marks lol

VioletSky

I think I am just wary of a lot of exclamation marks lol

🤔! 😏

I am considering sending a text to my estranged daughter in law asking for her forgiveness in everything I have ever done to upset her and offer to do anything so that we can be a family again.
Has anyone else ever done this?

Ladybug4

I am considering sending a text to my estranged daughter in law asking for her forgiveness in everything I have ever done to upset her and offer to do anything so that we can be a family again.
Has anyone else ever done this?

You might be better starting another thread. This one is so,old now. 🙂

DiamondLily is right Ladybug it would be better to start another thread or maybe post on the support thread on this forum so more posters will see your post.

In answer to your question, no this is not something I've done and if there are things you need to apologise to your d.i.l. for, wouldn't it be better to be specific about what you're apologising for?

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That's right, estrangement doesn't happen for no reason GG76 but that doesn't mean that the reason is always because the one whose been estranged is at fault. Sometimes it's the one whose estranging whose wrong.

Ladybug4

I am considering sending a text to my estranged daughter in law asking for her forgiveness in everything I have ever done to upset her and offer to do anything so that we can be a family again.
Has anyone else ever done this?

If my MIL did this I might be willing to hear more. Doing this in the first place would show potentially that she has made a fundamental change. I'd be wary though. However, it's not my decision. She has to apologise to her son more importantly, and any involvement on my part has to fit with what is within his comfort level. I'm not going to have a relationship if he doesn't want to risk letting her back in.

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I don't know about generally as there's no statistical information to say whether that's the case or not. People can and do do all sorts of things for what they believe or wish to believe is for a good reason, but that doesn't mean that's necessarily the case.

Bearing in mind that there are EP's/EGP's on this forum, I do think it's good to keep that in mind when posting. There are examples here where if toxic behaviour is a factor, it isn't always those being estranged who behave in that way.

The reasons why family members estrange are myriad, some because of abusive dysfunctional parents or parent, some because of a family argument that gets out of hand and so creates a feud, some because the person they marry becomes hostile towards their in laws due to having a tendency towards manipulative or controlling behaviours/favouring one family over the other. And yet others do it with what seems to be very little provocation and can rapidly spiral into abusive or even violent behaviour, sometimes due to drink/drugs but sometimes without any addictions, perhaps projecting their own issues/problems onto their parents.
As with other things there is no one size fits all. And estrangement isn’t just about ACs, parents and grandparents, sisters and brothers, cousin/nephews/nieces can become estranged.
Simplifying this is impossible.

GG76

GG76

Estrangement doesn't happen for no reason. You need to take a good long, hard, honest look at your behaviour and acknowledge why it happened in the first place. Only then will you be able to start to make amends. That's if it's not too late.

Generally people choosing to cut off contact with family members are doing it to protect themselves from toxic behaviour. You may think that they are in the wrong for doing it, but it's unlikely they would do something so extreme for no good reason.

Sometimes. But sometimes they cut people off to punish them, because the person has set a reasonable boundary and they don't like it, because they can't have the control they want in the relationship, or because they have personal issues that are getting in the way of the relationship. None of these reasons are the fault of the person who is cut off. In fact, sometimes these reasons make life easier for the person who is cut off when it happens.