Estrangement advice

I find it interesting that estrangement is viewed as a power move.

Everyone I’ve known, including myself, estranged as a desperate last resort. Nobody I knew viewed it as a power move, but in fact, one born out of powerlessness. We couldn’t change the relationship. No matter what we said or did, it continued to be toxic or abusive, and walking away was the only option left not only for our health and wellbeing, but for our spouses and children as well.

No, I’m not saying that’s the case in every situation. Just genuinely found it interesting how opposed perspectives can be.

In any estrangement, both sides would have a differing view.

That would apply to anyone on here.

Articles can be valid, but with every single estrangement being for different reasons, it would be unlikely to hit many targets.

And, if an AC (or anyone) refuses, point blank, to talk, discuss or reengage, then, obviously, any advice is a waste of time.

Sometimes, the road to happiness comes from walking away and not looking back. Let go of the angst, and just have a good life.

But, if anyone has found it helpful, then great.

Smileless2012

The advice given in the article wouldn't have made any difference to us VS because our estrangement wasn't about our relationship with our ES, it was about his relationship with his wife and how she impacted on our relationship.

As I posted earlier, the article takes a very narrow view of estrangement.

And you honestly don’t think accepting who he chose as his wife etc is part of that whole
- see your son
For an adult who can and Make his own choices ? Respect his autonomy over his own life ?

You say the article takes a very narrow view of estrangement. So do you - as much as you want to accuse the article of not being valid - because it only applies to some estrangement situations ( though I would argue it applies to a LOT of estrangement situations but no not all ). But at the same time you seem to think your situation - and the way you interpret it , is also the only way it occurs. Honetly id be fascinated to hear why your son says your estranged -

Rosie you claim to know so much about how my family have reached out and how obviously awful I am yet have read exactly 0 posts about my own personal journey. How many times I failed as a parent due to growing up in an unhealthy household before I knew that or how I went to therapy, counselling and did parenting courses to overcome that. How I am diagnosed autistic and do my best to communicate with a brain that runs solely on logic and retains reams and reams of sometimes useless but sometimes helpful information on subjects that interest me/are important to me...

Also as you know. I won't get personal back because I think in any situation it is best to be the better person

VioletSky

Rosie51

VS As soon as you post lol I know the plot has been lost( by you at least). I know your GN history, I know the efforts extended by your family on your behalf. You can regard yourself as a daughter/mother in need of guidance/correction by absolutely anybody, that is your choice but to enforce it on others..............some parents/children have been to the abyss and still can't satisfy the other.....

Bit unnecessary wasn't it?

What was unnecessary? I certainly believe your "holier than thou" "I'm perfection" posts as totally unnecessary and indeed unkind and extremely hurtful to so many estranged parents.

Exactly! I count myself lucky none of my children have accused me of overstepping any boundaries, but how much is due to my perfection or their flexibility? And how about my boundaries, or as a parent don't I have any rights to boundaries?

Rosie51

VS As soon as you post lol I know the plot has been lost( by you at least). I know your GN history, I know the efforts extended by your family on your behalf. You can regard yourself as a daughter/mother in need of guidance/correction by absolutely anybody, that is your choice but to enforce it on others..............some parents/children have been to the abyss and still can't satisfy the other.....

Bit unnecessary wasn't it?

And at all cost avoid overstepping those boundaries…..

Yes the emphasis was on what parents should and shouldn't do Rosie and I suppose hope that offering to baby sit etc wont be seen as not respecting their AC's need for space and autonomy.

Is it any wonder that some parents describe their relationship with their AC as walking on egg shells?

VS As soon as you post lol I know the plot has been lost( by you at least). I know your GN history, I know the efforts extended by your family on your behalf. You can regard yourself as a daughter/mother in need of guidance/correction by absolutely anybody, that is your choice but to enforce it on others..............some parents/children have been to the abyss and still can't satisfy the other.....

Lol the key word there is imposing and I knew exactly what this paragraph meant immediately

How many times do we have threads from people who aren't seeing the grandchild as much as they would like or are upset that the parents want bonding time first?

It's really simple, our role in an adult child's life is one of support, not demand, not imposing, not turning up unannounced, not demanding time with new babies...

When our children move in with a partner or have children we are no longer nuclear family.. we are orbiting a little further out

That is truly ok

And I have no idea why the article would say "for which they must thank you profusely"... Maybe it assumes we would raise them with good manners at least

Just to jump in, one take from the article was that parents should take a step back, respect their adult child's need for space and autonomy but there was a suggestion parents should offer to babysit and send care packages with no expectations........ what even of a polite "thank you"? I say thank you to strangers who hold a door for me, or flash their lights in a car to let me turn before them..... but adult children shouldn't say thank you for a "care package" whatever that is defined as?

And the comment I quoted shows when I made your quoted comment Smileless that while the article is aimed at parents struggling, it's advice really that can be used by anyone in order to spot an unhealthy relationship

But then, you don't like the advice so, unless you agree it is unhealthy for others to dismiss the boundaries of and have too high expectations on you or people you care about? Then I don't know what to tell you really

Either behaviour is healthy or unhealthy and we don't get to pick and choose

I haven't taken your comment out of context VS, I quoted from your post @ 21.57 because that was the one I was clearly referring too.

VioletSky

Well yes

Either because they don't follow the advice in the article

Or

They let people around them not follow the advice in the article

Smileless

I already clarified here

So you need not take my comment out of its context

I'm disagreeing with what you posted VS that those not agreeing with the article have unhealthy relationships but not enough foresight to understand that the advice in the article is the reason why.

Why do you question what EP's say in relation to their experience of estrangement because it isn't the same as yours?

It takes the view of common issues in parent and child relationships Smileless

Why would you disagree with it because it isn't about your situation?

The advice given in the article wouldn't have made any difference to us VS because our estrangement wasn't about our relationship with our ES, it was about his relationship with his wife and how she impacted on our relationship.

As I posted earlier, the article takes a very narrow view of estrangement.

Yes

Is that one of your valid and reasoned contributions to this discussion VS?

Well yes

But those not agreeing with the article have unhealthy relationships but not enough foresight to understand that the advice in the article is the reason why

And you agree with the article VS so suggesting that only people who don't agree with it will have experienced some unhealthy relationships, is a bit silly really isn't it.

Well yes

I'm estranged from my unhealthy relationship

Delila

You’re on fairly safe ground there VS. I’m willing to bet that most people on this planet have some unhealthy relationships along the line somewhere.

Absolutely - including VioletSky

Well yes

Either because they don't follow the advice in the article

Or

They let people around them not follow the advice in the article