Estrangement advice

I find it interesting that estrangement is viewed as a power move.

Everyone I’ve known, including myself, estranged as a desperate last resort. Nobody I knew viewed it as a power move, but in fact, one born out of powerlessness. We couldn’t change the relationship. No matter what we said or did, it continued to be toxic or abusive, and walking away was the only option left not only for our health and wellbeing, but for our spouses and children as well.

No, I’m not saying that’s the case in every situation. Just genuinely found it interesting how opposed perspectives can be.

I whole heartedly agree Mercury! The powerlessness to change other people. At the end of the day only you can change yourself and like you say the stark reality of walking away (with all the fallout involved) is the only option some of us are left with.

Well, I don’t know what others meant, but I meant that estrangers make that choice. Whatever the reasons. The estranged have no choice.

I estranged my ex MIL, my step kids, and left a 30 year marriage. Different scenarios, but estrangements.

I didn’t ask their views, and I didn’t discuss it, other than to state my reasoning. I made my choices, to enable my health and wellbeing.

I didn’t play it for power, but only I made the decisions.

Thats what I meant, although some do play mind and power games.🙂

It's quite often not much of a choice

At times, a choice to save your own life

There are people, often women, all across the world who have not yet been able to make that choice to leave emotionally or physically abusive relationships or simply relationships that make them unhappy

Every article helps

A bust up of any relationship is never easy - I’ve never suggested it was, for either side.

It can have emotional, physical and financial implications.

For me, and only me, it just came down to my boundaries.

Leaving a 30 year marriage, my home and my life wasn’t easy, especially as half my time was spent in a wheelchair, at that point.

But, I knew it had to be done.

I don’t underestimate the issues with any estrangement.

No Grams, his wife was accepted into our family and loved by us. Of course we are all affected by our own experiences but I am, and have always been able to accept that for some, estrangement is the only choice they have.

Your post, implying that our ES's wife was not accepted is a prime example of you being unable to do so. It must be our fault because we didn't approve of her etc. Third party involvement in some estrangements is real, it happens and has nothing to do with the EP's relationship with their AC.

Where there's a fear of estrangement, power is often evident MercuryQueen. Parents/GP's worried that if they don't do what's expected of them they will be estranged, they will be prevented from seeing their GC.

We see posts from GN's sharing their concerns, some finding child care too much but afraid to say they can no longer look after their GC, or need to reduce the amount of time they do, in case they're not allowed to see them at all.

I agree with you*DL*. The estranger for what ever reason ends the relationship and the one who has been estranged can do nothing about it. Even where changes need to be made and are made, unless the one whose estranged is prepared to attempt to reconcile, there's nothing the EP can do.

I understand that for some of you the only choice you were left with was to walk away Otter all I and others are saying is that that isn't the case in all estrangements, so why can't that be accepted?

Why is mine and the accounts of other EP's at times met with derision? It doesn't upset me, after 11 years of being on GN I've come to expect it and am used to it, but it does bother me when new posters who come looking for advice and support are treated this way.

Absolutely*Smilesless*. Can you imagine the outrage if we suggested that it was the behaviour of the child that caused their parent to dislike them. I can cannot recall any incidents of the truly abused adult child who decides to estrange, being treated unkindly here.

Neither can I eddie because it's never happened.

The outrage would be off the scale and rightly so, it's just a shame that it's something EP's are expected to put up with.

I've just noticed Grams that you say you'd be fascinated to know why our son estranged us, well so would we.

smileless I was only talking about my experience and agreeing with pp, I wasn't invalidating anybody else's experience at all. As with anything in life there is never a "one size fits all". Estrangement in all its forms is very sad indeed and I have sympathy for all sides of the equation.

eddiecat78

Absolutely*Smilesless*. Can you imagine the outrage if we suggested that it was the behaviour of the child that caused their parent to dislike them. I can cannot recall any incidents of the truly abused adult child who decides to estrange, being treated unkindly here.

Anyone who blamed a child for a parent disliking them would immediately out themselves as a terrible person

And yet those who blame the parent for a child disliking them aren't to be seen as terrible people VS .

I know you weren't invalidating anyone else's experience Otter and I apologise if my post made you think that I thought you were.

Of course that is true VioletSky but likewise a totally innocent parent should not be blamed for their child disliking them.
Nor should the parents' remembrance of events be constantly disputed. I would not dream of saying that your experience of a miserable childhood is not true and you actually had a wonderful time! But that is what often happens to estranged parents

EAC and EP's should be treated with the same respect and consideration eddie. It's not rocket science is it so I don't understand why some can't.

Smileless2012

The advice given in the article wouldn't have made any difference to us VS because our estrangement wasn't about our relationship with our ES, it was about his relationship with his wife and how she impacted on our relationship.

As I posted earlier, the article takes a very narrow view of estrangement.

Do he and his wife align with your views on your estrangement? I am asking because as has been mentioned before, estrangement seldom happens because everyone views the relationship the same way. I wonder if your son and DIL have the same exact take on the relationship breakdown as you do.

Smileless2012

I've just noticed Grams that you say you'd be fascinated to know why our son estranged us, well so would we.

He never mentioned one reason? He simply walked away and refused to share anything at all? Just radio silence?

I expect, if the estranged people, from any one of us, parent, sibling or AC, came on here, their views would be different to the poster’s..

I’ve heard of ACs estranging their parents, apparently because of their poor childhoods, yet their siblings remember a totally different past.

Human nature, I guess. 🙂

eddiecat78

Of course that is true VioletSky but likewise a totally innocent parent should not be blamed for their child disliking them.
Nor should the parents' remembrance of events be constantly disputed. I would not dream of saying that your experience of a miserable childhood is not true and you actually had a wonderful time! But that is what often happens to estranged parents

It's generally interesting to me that I don't deny that sometimes some estranged parents get a hard time here

But the many EAC who have had some pretty awful comments directed at them are apparently imagining it

Which I think is a red flag from those who do it, just so we are clear

DiamondLily

I expect, if the estranged people, from any one of us, parent, sibling or AC, came on here, their views would be different to the poster’s..

I’ve heard of ACs estranging their parents, apparently because of their poor childhoods, yet their siblings remember a totally different past.

Human nature, I guess. 🙂

The thing is, humans actually can and do have different childhood experiences to their siblings factually speaking. Even some estranged parents have spoken about the various 'Golden Children' here and there on this site. It's a fact that relationships vary from individual to individual. Childhoods aren't exempt from that.

My husband's and his brother speak openly about how my husband was the favored child. Their parents came down a bit harder on his brother regularly apparently. Ironic that it was my husband who ended up cutting contact. His mum would say she was loving and doting. My husband found her to be smothering, controlling, and disrespectful of his autonomy as an adult man. Perspectives do indeed look different depending on the angle.

No, and that’s what I was saying. Perceptions and memories can differ between everyone.🙂

An outbreak of consensus- fabulous
Perseptions and memories can differ

I have just read through this entire thread and the original article posted plus the follow on one. Very interesting and enlightening on many levels:

- in relation to the differing views
-in relation to the helpfulness/validity or otherwise of the article
- in relation to the styles of posting
-in relation to the contradictions regarding EAC/EP and how those "roles" are viewed
-in relation to different interpretations of the same comment
- in relation to "argument" versus "debate/discussion/ disagreement"
- in relation to responses to someone expressing disagreement with another's view

It really is a pen picture of the upside and the downside of GN!

And overall I think will have been thought provoking for anyone in whatever position they find themselves in thee Estrangement spectrum

😏

Iam64

An outbreak of consensus- fabulous
Perseptions and memories can differ

Yes, they can.

Attitudes vary - what one person finds unacceptable, another person might think was pretty normal.

Times change as well - my childhood was in the 1950’s - child rearing wasn’t the same as it is now. It was often stricter/harder. Not everything was child centric then.

What was seen as pretty ok then might not seem that way now.

But, with certain things, the facts don’t change.

If a person (adult), categorically says or does something, no amount of spin can change it. 🙂