Estrangement advice

DiamondLily

Nothings wrong with anything - but one size doesn’t fit all families, which is what I was trying to say.

Many families don’t need advice - they just bat on accepting each other.

And, as I’m sure you’d agree - nothing wrong with that either.

One side doesn’t fit all
Families. Of course not. But estranged families aren’t all families either. And not all non estranged families are perfect for goodness sake. But I’m families where there is estrangement the advice is good. Especially for parents who find themselves and arranged and being the ones who want to reconcile. We were estranged from my in-laws for decades before they passed. This advice would have been good for them to heed. Unfortunately they simply carried on
Believing themselves to be victims of our untamable
Desires to be treated with respect and as adults.

I think as an outsider whose parent estranged them for NO unusual behaviour, the article is saying our children have different lives to us and in non abusive families we can consider each other’s feelings and give one another space and in an idealistic scenario contact us resumed

Yes, a discussion, in which most people take a broad compassionate view of estrangement

I don’t think that’s what’s going on here Debs. We’re engaged in a discussion.

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I imagine that where young people’s attitudes are like those described in the article they are at least a contributory factor in family rift.

Delila, thanks for summarising your views on this article. I live in an ordinary family where difficult stuff happens. I worked with children and families for years. Complex, challenging and often rewarding work. I see no simple solutions to go,pled problems. I do see the article as offering advice that most ordinary, sensible people will already have tried, often over many years.
I dislike this simplistic blame the parents approach. It helps nobody, and in now way reflects the families I know.

VS, I think you’re being a bit disingenuous in differentiating between “strained relationships” and estrangement, as the author of the article himself refers to estrangement in his advice, and references a book about estrangement, so I think the distinction between the two is yours, and not the author’s.

Yes DL it's written from one side, from one perspective, the perspective of the AC who appear to have no accountability when it comes to their relationship with their parents being strained.

Delila

I’d like to add that I don’t recognise that description of young people these days - some maybe, but not generally, and none that I’m familiar with.

Nor me. I’ve got two kids, two in-laws, and 5 adult grandchildren. They are nothing like this.

Talking to friends, of my age, neither are their kids and grandchildren.

There must be some sort of parallel universe out there.🤔

Thanks Smileless (18.26).

I’d like to add that I don’t recognise that description of young people these days - some maybe, but not generally, and none that I’m familiar with.

How is it beneficial to AC?

This article isn't written to estranged parents at all

This article is aimed at parents who have strained relationships. All relationships go through periods where things are strained

As a parent I think it is wonderful advice... I really don't understand what is wrong with it

And, that is the major problem with stuff like this. Is only written from one side, and it can be either side.

It doesn’t fit most families in real life.🙄

Excellent summary of the article in your post @ 17.18 Delila and I agree with you that the article isn't ^generally sound.

It is a thinly disguised criticism of EP's. I can see how it may be beneficial to some AC but not to parents.

VS, I think I’ve made my reaction to the article quite clear, and no, for the reason already given, I don’t think it’s generally sound.

Nothings wrong with anything - but one size doesn’t fit all families, which is what I was trying to say.

Many families don’t need advice - they just bat on accepting each other.

And, as I’m sure you’d agree - nothing wrong with that either.

Delila what do you think was wrong with the advice in the article?

And if the advice in general was sound... How would you prefer that advice delivered?

“Estranged parents are advised that they must earn respect, that their attention to their AC can be suffocating and burdensome, that they must beware being too critical and having unrealistic expectations. They are advised to communicate effectively & value their AC’s opinions. They could benefit from hobbies, volunteer work, or therapy.“

lol.

To be honest, I’m in my late 60’s, my ACs are late 40’s, and my GCs are in their 20’s.

My GC are home from Uni’s (Easter break), and I mooted the above to them.

They, in no way, actually got it, and just remarked that they didn’t actually feel like that. They wanted normal, healthy relationships through the generations, and felt the article was constructed by someone with their own agenda.

I don’t live in this world. One of my grandsons is qualifying as a teacher soon, and he perhaps summed it up and said:

“Nan, you and Mum can be a nutty pair, you drive us crazy at times, but we wouldn’t change either of you for the world.”

And that’s how we do it my family. Not saying it’s right for anyone else, but it suits us. No counselling, no psychobabble, just an acceptance of each other - foibles, quirks, faults and all.

I have never been a traditional Nan, any more than I was an Earth mother. I didn’t bake cookies, and teach them to knit or sew (I can’t do either lol) - but they all knew they could talk to me about literally anything, and I bought the fun into their lives.

I think their cheeriest moment, as young kids, when I dressed up as a cow (at a holiday camp) and got on stage to sing, extremely badly -“Take me Home Country Roads” lol It took DH days to recover from that.😷

But, hey ho, we are all happy. I have promised not to sing at them any more now…🤐

Children need a happy mum, we can make happiness a priority as well as having other priorities like happy children...

Otter99, we’ll it’s as undesirable on either side of an estrangement, if people are trying to reconcile with each other, for one person to prioritise their happiness over the other person’s, but I completely understand that in some circumstances reconciliation isn’t possible and it is necessary to put your own happiness first.

I feel the opposite actually, that my EM only put her happiness first and as a result I spent a lot of time people pleasing and putting myself out for others, including her for a very long time. It was when I had my first DC I found my priorities shifting and realised I needed to be happier in myself in order to be the best mum for them. Other people, including her emotions could no longer come first. My young children needed too and in turn myself.

Delila' Do you think this article was actually written as an attack on estranged parents, not as it says, to help parents with strained relationships?

Yes it’s written for estranged parents & advises them that young people these days are self-aware, prioritise their own happiness, are hyper-independent and create boundaries which must be respected.

Estranged parents are advised that they must earn respect, that their attention to their AC can be suffocating and burdensome, that they must beware being too critical and having unrealistic expectations. They are advised to communicate effectively & value their AC’s opinions. They could benefit from hobbies, volunteer work, or therapy.

Really, isn’t this a thinly disguised criticism of EPs, most of whom are only too aware of, and have very probably tried, every approach suggested in this article? How unaware does the author think estranged parents are?

Parents and their AC tread a fine path across a relationship minefield, and it’s easy to make disastrous mistakes, on both sides, but it’s not helpful to imply that the responsibility lies in one direction only. I know that the article is intended to give advice to estranged parents, but there’s not one word in it that acknowledges any part played in estrangement by ACs, and that’s unrealistic.

VioletSky

But it is written for parents, not adult children

You feel that the onus is being placed on the parents when the characteristics of behaviours that cause issues in relationships are clearly defined in the article?

Or do you think the issues themselves unfair?

I truly need help to understand