What did you do to heal and move forward from estrangement?

Has your son been for counselling maybe, quite often old hurts and dissatisfactions can surface, perhaps he has been suffering from anxiety or something similar and sought out professional help.
Does sound as tho he has recently been unburdening himself.
Am all for counselling but think it should only ever be family counselling in situations like this so other family members can have some input otherwise these kind of hurtful and out of the blue accusations can suddenly occur, leaving family members feeling confused and upset.
Also too often grown children are actively encouraged to just estrange themselves, to disconnect, because their word for everything is automatically believed when nobody else can have their say.
Imho talking things out in a family should always be encouraged.
We have been estranged from one of our daughters for many years, talking was never an option unless she was telling others how terrible we were, she also saw a counsellor and was told to cut all ties. She literally stopped seeing or talking to us and to her three other sisters. Will not go into any more detail, am not seeking anyone’s validation or judgement.
Hoping your son gets over whatever is happening with him and you get a chance to speak to him soon. Just keep trying. Is all you can do.

I’m at a loss as to what I should do..
I have two sons from first marriage, my older son lives abroad and my husband and I have, up until now had a good r’ship with him and his wife. We spent last Xmas with them during which time my son and husband had an argument. It shocked us both as my son verbalised his true feelings about his stepdad in such a venomous manner. I tried to talk to my son about things he’d expressed but he would not engage and left the holiday early.
Since then him and I have exchanged minimal texts, occasional Skypes but it’s strained and awkward. My husband is still in shock at the insults he received and doesn’t feel inclined to try and talk to him.
I feel torn between them, I want to understand why my son has held back these feelings for so long but at the same time I love my husband who has been a wonderful stepfather to both of my sons. I’m don’t know what to do and it’s making me feel so anxious i can’t get on in my life or feel positive about anything. Can anyone offer any advice please?

I cut my only brother out of my life when DH died, as I did my adult stepkids. Different reasons.

I don’t miss any of them, and don’t need to heal.

Life goes on.🙂

True Smileless, it's good to know where you stand even though it's not where you'd ever want to be. The truth hurts, but having truth as a platform instead of the platform of false hope means that we can gather ourselves up and find ways forwards instead of living in false hope that constantly gets dashed.

3Nanny6 I'm sorry to hear about your brother. I dont have much contact with mine and usually just answer messages he initiates. I know family can't always be close. It's a shame but better to have the truth so we can do the best we can to live a good life for ourselves without wishing/waiting/hoping on someone who doesn't give a damn

Someone with whom I had been friendly for may years became poorly and couldn't do much, she had always been very houseproud, got up at 5.30 a.m. every day to clean the house from top to bottom, theyhardly ever cooked anything half decent and bought the cheapest food, would not even buy free range eggs saying that "an egg is an Egg". Anyway after she became ill, every week for a year I took them a home cooked meal, and cake. At Christmas, I made a Christmas cake for them, and decorated it. In January her husband called and said "here is the plate you put the Christmas cake on". Never once in all that time did they say anything was nice, but that was the straw that broke the camel's back,. I have not bothered with her or her husband since. Two ungrateful people.

In answer to Violet I have not done very much about a recent estrangement in my life. I did not initiate the estrangement myself it was my brother who chose to estrange. I have always had contact with him and helped him move house several times he is always moving house. The place he last moved to was okay but although I kept in contact writing and phone calls (regularly) I did not see him as often. He told me a few months ago he was moving again and when he had his new address he would tell me. I sent his birthday card as usual and some money to get something, I phoned him two weeks after that to ask how he was. He sounded a bit off on the phone but I asked how things were and had he moved yet. This was his answer I have moved address and will not be giving it to you as I no longer wish contact with you. I was a bit shocked but said okay if that is what you want and I put the phone down. I am not bothered it is his choice but one thing is for sure he stated his choice and as far as I am concerned there will be no going back he can now stay out of my life for good he is a bloody idiot. Good Riddance to him.

The truth does hurt yes it does Onward but it's better in the long run to know where you stand even if it's not where you'd ever want to be .

Maybe people need to make sense of things and understand what happened in order to help them move on?

I don't post here a lot, but I will say that it's a thousand times more helpful to talk about things with people who understand than it would be to pay for therapy.

I have not gone no contact and neither has my almost Estranged child. Today there haven't been unkind words but they have said they are happier to talk at a distance and I'm respecting that. The truth does hurt, but it's helpful to know that someone only wants to talk and not to meet up any time soon. Perhaps I should be less available?

I only talk about this with GN or my DH, but not constantly. Usually just when I need a bit more support than usual.

We've been talking here about what we've done to heal and move on. On other threads we share our experiences if we think that doing so may help someone else who has recently been estranged or has estranged, or if something has happened that's triggered our pain. I don't think that any of this is poking at the wound or picking a scab.

That for us was when we never talked about anything else with one another, family and close friends which for a time is what we did. Eventually we made a conscious decision to stop because we didn't want being estranged to define us and we wanted to begin to heal, to move on and rebuild our lives.

We were constantly poking at the wound, but not anymore.

I think that you have to try and let things go, but the very fact that we are all here talking about it, means we haven’t really done that
Personally, I am really happy with where I am, I’m so glad that I never have to see my mother again, but that doesn’t stop me from going over things in my mind, and I regret the impact it had on the wider family, I’ve lost my brother and his family, and my children have had to listen to her rants against me.
Still more positives than negatives, but always I will wonder how much was my fault, I also wonder about my dad, if he’s looking down at it all. I’d like to think he wouldn’t blame me.

Some of us have been here for a long time, talking about the same things, if that is picking a scab then none of us are healing by that logic

So unless there are a category of people here who are entitled to more pian or more time than others in terms of how they handle their estrangement... I just don't see the relevance of the statement

There does come a time I agree Allsorts to stop poking at the wound because until we do healing will never begin. That time is different for us all I'm sure, but needs to come eventually.

We aren't talking about a scab... It's not really a great analogy...

We are talking about mental and often physical health that can sometimes be long term and debilitating.

This idea that it is "picking a scab" to want to properly address that carries the suggestion that people are somehow actually hurting themselves.

If someone had a literal wound that wouldn't heal, absolutely no one would be saying "oh just stop picking at it" with no idea if that was actually happening except in their own opinion.

Let people heal their own way. The people who are trying are superheroes.

Keep picking the scab and you won't heal.

eazybee

The best way to heal is to stop constantly poking at the wound, examining it and displaying it at every opportunity.

Well, yes, I agree. I see no point in keep picking the wound. Be happy and move on.🙂

You're welcome VS.

Refusing to confront your pain is a surefire way to literally never heal from it. And quite possibly pass that pain to your children as well. If you don't feel it and deal with it, it will express itself in other ways, either through your behavior towards others or through your own health. Too many people take the "tough" approach and that really doesn't work on a neurological level.

Doing that work takes years for complex trauma. There's no way to skip it. It could take less time depending on what you're dealing with but there's no ignoring it.

Grieving is a good first step. And talking to someone whether that is a friend or professional. I benefit from learning how the brain works so I lean on that too. It helps me live with the temporary pain and recognize the progress I am making.

Thanks for adding your thoughts on that Smileless

I don't agree that eazybee is telling others how and when they should heal VS.

easybee

No, no one else gets to decide how and when others heal. People should take as long as they need and do whatever they need.

If people did that more, many estrangement situations wouldn't happen and people wouldn't be taking out their unresolved issues on others as an outlet

The best way to heal is to stop constantly poking at the wound, examining it and displaying it at every opportunity.

Yes that's true, envy usually destroys the very thing it covets.

Jealousy is something that drives others away from those who suffer from it usually, not the other way around

I wasn't suggesting that one could alter how someone else behaves but asking how one can help oneself.

Loopy you can't alter how someone else behaves. I was told some time ago that people dislike you for several reason. They envy you, may want what you have, feel insecure when you're around so you need to go. I think for some it gives them a feeling of freedom. Trouble is they have to justify their attitudes in cutting us off, that does the damage. 💐