What did you do to heal and move forward from estrangement?

Understanding and accepting that you can't do anything to change the situation is I think the first step to moving on loopyloo.

It frees the mind to focus on what you can do, and prevents you from wasting time and energy on trying to fix something that you can't.

There is a huge difference to how you are able to "heal" after estrangement depending on if you chose that estrangement or if you had it forced upon you.
I had a period of estrangement caused by my dil (now ex) which ended 5 years ago but I still bear the scars. I no longer trust people how I used to. And I rarely disagree with anyone - even when I should -as I don't want to risk that escalating into more estrangement

So how do we move on?
A bit of self care?
What do you people do to build yourself up?
I tend to clear something out, throw
something away.
Plan something new.
Someone at the allotment said go out every day.

Am with you there Allsorts.

I have moved on, with time and eventually accepting I couldn't change anything. That doesn't alter the fact that I will never have that confidence I once had thinking I had a family who loved me as I love them. I feel different to others.

Pythagorus - I think your mother could be right. Hell can be other people.

In the past year, I've estranged my adult stepchildren/adult step GCs, plus my brother.

No dramas, I’ve not got a problem, I simply cannot be bothered to deal with people who behave badly. They’re out of my life, and that’s fine.

What sad stories. You know, I never ever cut ties with anyone at all until recently.
But I have recently cut ties with several ‘old’ friends and a family member. Because of how they made me feel. I guess that’s the nub if it. It’s how these people make you feel.
Sometimes deep jealousies are at the root of it. Sometimes there are narcissistic personalities.
Sometimes the parties on both sides think they are right and the other person is the difficult one.
The only person I have often felt I could have ‘dropped’ and didn’t is my one and only son! I only have him and his two teenage children.
I am not prepared to lose them even though I have felt like it sometimes. I have just had to change my expectations an accept him as he is.
And I suppose I could have done the same with people I have dropped, but clearly I am not prepared to keep making the compromises.
Some people have many issues that make them mean. So you either accept that and work round it or remove yourself. But sometimes we have our own issues and a combination of both our issues causes a deadlock.
When families can’t come up with solutions, what hope for our warring nations with decades of smouldering resentments.
As I get older I enjoy my own company more and more. My mother was like that. I must be becoming like her! She used to say, ‘Hell is other people!’

Feverjo
My mother has in the past tried to get at me through one of my grandchildren, acting all hurt, and pretending not to know what she’s done to deserve me being so mean.
That’s difficult, I’m very close with this child, and I don’t want to bad mouth my mother to her, she has to come to her own conclusions, I’ve always simply said that we don’t get on.
But she obviously got to her, she couldn’t see why I couldn’t even send her a Christmas card or visit her occasionally, so I’m the bad guy.
But as you say, it always comes out, and now as she approaches her hundredth year, most of the family have walked away from her.

I am amazed sometimes how people grow into balanced human beings with cruel parents.

Sara1954

I have been estranged from my mother for over twenty years, and am very happy with the situation, and nothing would induce me to speak with her again.
But recently she has surpassed herself, my husband and children still see her, but a few weeks ago she did something to one of my children which I find spiteful and unbelievably childish, my brother and his family appear to have colluded with her, so now my husband and children will walk away from her, she’s a nasty woman, and although, like so many of you, I tried for years and years to make her like me, I am so happy to be free of her, only wish I had done it thirty years before.

This is sad to read. I'm glad you found healing.

When my son was a teenager, he asked if we would be comfortable with him visiting my MIL. At the time we didn't realize my sister in law had taken him to the side at a family gathering and guilt-tripped him about not spending any time with her. We told him he was old enough to manage his own relationships at that point, and we wouldn't stop him. It took one visit for her snide, extremely negative comments about my husband and I to permanently put my son off from visiting her again. People's true colours always tend to show at some point, even when they try to triangulate.

But in answer to Violet, I didn’t need to do anything to heal myself, not having her in my life was the best medicine

I have been estranged from my mother for over twenty years, and am very happy with the situation, and nothing would induce me to speak with her again.
But recently she has surpassed herself, my husband and children still see her, but a few weeks ago she did something to one of my children which I find spiteful and unbelievably childish, my brother and his family appear to have colluded with her, so now my husband and children will walk away from her, she’s a nasty woman, and although, like so many of you, I tried for years and years to make her like me, I am so happy to be free of her, only wish I had done it thirty years before.

My husband is estranged from his mother. He talked through it in therapy and has come to terms with the fact that she isn't someone who can be in our lives without it causing more harm to our family than good. He's gone from a very intense, almost neurotic person to being really easy-going. I think he became a better father to our son and daughter by really focusing on not falling into the cycles of unhealthy interactions he was raised having with his mum and dad. It took years. He's now a fun-loving grandpa. Sometimes an objective ear is a great way to move forward and away from the effects of emotional trauma.

Allsorts thank you for your kind post.

Gramma batty, I think your son must have had some sort of breakdown due to his circumstances at the time. Too much going on in his head. You will always love your son I do hope you know he is well at least and that given time he will return..
When I heard the news of what has just happened to Mr Hunt and his family last night, I couldn't stop crying. He's lost most of his family under the worst curcumstances, it too much for anyone.
My daughter is with a good man and her daughter, so although I don't see her I know she's happy. That's enough.
Smileless you have done so well, you have made the best of your life and that move from your village was best thing you could have done.
We have to respect their wishes and hope they are well and happy and to make a different life to the one we expected.

For our family the estrangement was the healing. But we had done years of trying , and healing and therapy prior to it. Once we finally cut my in-laws off the finality of it was overwhelming in terms of peace and freedom. For us once we went “ no contact “ we knew it was not temporary- that there would be no goi back to try to reconcile and therefore it was like it was finally over. My husband answered their calls once to tell them to not contact us again. And that was that. (This was pre text days). They called and wrote letters over the years but we simply didn’t answer and binned them. Our peace wasn’t worth opening that door again.

I did this with my mum about 3 years ago after yet another action by her which was not directly at me as usual but my husband daughter and grandkids which was the straw that broke the camels back so after this event I text her explaining that I was done I felt such relief she sadly passed away a few months ago I felt nothing except anger with her unreasonable requests which I had to accept my friends are waiting for my fall out but it won't happen as when you have an abnormal childhood and relationship and have been used abused demoralised rejected not loved you get to the point where theres no trying and it was what it was xx her loss she never knew the real me or my family end of a chapter unfortunately I should have done it decades earlier

It has been a few years since I estranged from my mother and I still feel like I'm waking up from being brainwashed my whole life. My entire concept of my mother as a person has shifted and I still am reeling from it sometimes. The mental hoops I went through to justify the way she treating me are shocking. There has been a lot of unlearning things that I believed for a long time.

I tend towards reading books to help me understand things and heal. I've been reading a lot recently about generational trauma passed from mothers to daughters (I've seen it reffered to as the mother wound) and it makes a lot of sense to me. In a way I understand my mother more than ever and see how she got to be the way she is.

There will never be reconciliation for us, so I've been more open for forgiving her. At first I was avoiding feeling empathy for her because to me that meant our relationship wasn't really over. Now that I've accepted the estrangement as permanent, it's easier to lean into the empathy more and really get to the root of why our relationship was so toxic.

My mother always saw me as an extension of her, so undoing that has been the other focus for my healing. I really didn't understand the concept of having a sense of self until recently. I'm not all the way there yet but it feels like I'm slowly extracting my own identity from hers.

I'm starting therapy again soon with someone who specializes in neurodivergent patients with childhood trauma so I'm hopeful that I can make more progress beyond what my own learning can do.

My daughter in law fell out with me a month after my father died, 12 years ago this month. I've seen my grandchildren once since (I was there childminder for the early years).
Her behaviour didn't come as a surprise to me. The children are 18 and 14 now, I've learned to live without them. Life moves on. We can't change other people, only how we deal with the consequences.

Smileless2012

Yes it is. My mum only saw her only GGC once and never saw his brother but she would hear them playing in her neighbours back garden when they were taken there to play.

That sounds painful. At least I’m not confronted with anyone.😗

Yes it is. My mum only saw her only GGC once and never saw his brother but she would hear them playing in her neighbours back garden when they were taken there to play.

We can love people, but not like, and be unable to accept, poor behaviour.

It’s just a shame when other family members get dragged in.☹️

Grandmabatty . We never stop loving them do we. Apart from his brother who he has intermittent contact with, our ES did the same with his family.

Our whole family were cut off by my son nearly three years ago after his girlfriend dumped him quite cruelly at Christmas. Despite attempts and some difficult situations, he has never got in touch again. I can only assume that he was so hurt, he couldn't face family. I have accepted the estrangement because I know it wasn't personal to me but I'll never stop loving my boy

Thank you DL .

I agree that it is important to tell the one(s) you're estranging why. I can't help but think our journey may have been easier if we'd known.