Advice Please - When you decided to end the relationship with Adult Child

Babs a great post especially ^Being strong can only happen when you realise that YOU are every bit as important and worth consideration as your grown children, they don't have the monopoly on that^.

Sidelined it's good to know that you're decision has been the right one .

Several years ago I made that break and it's been the right decision but not plain sailing. Not wanting people to take sides I didn't want conversations, and thankfully I haven't been pestered to either BUT that hasn't meant my relationships with family members remained the same. I feel the one cut out but that's my problem and not for discussion here.

However, the mental and physical space has been a huge benefit. I can put the past into perspective and have gone a long way towards healing. I'm glad I made the break. Life is definite too short.

We don’t discuss our estrangement with our adult daughter with anyone, certainly I am now also estranged from my sister who enabled our adult daughters behaviour by taking sides. Suffice to say that plenty of people will be quick to judge the parents regardless of their ignorance of the situation. My mental health has never recovered, have been on ante depressants for years, and my husband suffered a flare up of a chronic illness triggered by stress, so quite frankly you need to think of your own well being, fortify yourself with the love of those around you and steer clear of those who seek to do you harm.
Is hard but will be so much harder if you allow those who do not understand your situation to sap your confidence and sense of worth.
Being strong can only happen when you realise that YOU are every bit as important and worth consideration as your grown children, they don’t have the monopoly on that.
Life is too short. X

Re setting boundaries is a positive step in the right direction Daisy.

Stay strong .

As difficult as it is, you know bringing up the situation to this family member causes you pain so you have to try and find a way to avoid it

You are obviously bringing it up because you have unresolved feelings about walking away from your child. When there have been accusations from your child that you are a bad mother that would be difficult to live with.

If I were you I would get some counselling to deal with this. It could really help you understand the relationship so you can move forward with your life and the people you have close living relationships with

Daisy25

Thank you all so much for your kind words and advice. It is so much appreciated and has helped me to re-set my boundaries with certain people.

Well done Daisy.

Thank you all so much for your kind words and advice. It is so much appreciated and has helped me to re-set my boundaries with certain people.

It's probably a bit different for me, but I recently estranged my (long term) step ACs, adult step GCs, and my only brother.

I didn’t, and don’t need, any healing. I told them the reasons why, and I don’t feel the need or desire to discuss it with anyone else.

It’s possibly different if it’s your “birth” children though.

I wouldn’t discuss it with others though.💐

Build a good support system - that is key

Great and united advice from all the responses here. Can empathise, Daisy, stay strong and live your life without needing to discuss your difficult decisions with others who, clearly, do not understand and don't see that they are disrespecting your feelings.

I found the only way of dealing with a similar situation was to set very firm boundaries around discussing it with others. No-one who has not been in your position has any right to tell you how you need to behave. They can have no idea how painful the emotions are when faced with such a problem. It is not always easy to do however eventually if you can manage to keep your boundaries in place they will soon get the message. Unfortunately you will need to be the strong one as they will be entrenched in the idea that they know what is best which they don’t. Stay strong and eventually it will all calm down.

I think you need to not discuss your estrangement with this person. You, don't bring the subject up and if they do just say, I'm sorry I don't want to talk about it and mean it.You were strong enough to walk away for your emotional being so you can do this. Don't think this person has a clue tbh, I could never imagine treating anyone I care about like that, just because it was the right thing to do it's the most difficult situation and it doesn't need much imagination to understand the cost it's had on you💐

You could say to the family member, when they start talking about them " please stop as you know it upsets me and if you don't I or you will have to leave" make sure you carry out the threat to leave, don't leave them upset you by keeping on at you.

You say there are some things that you can't not discuss Daisy but the only answer is to not have those discussions.

Several years ago I told our DS that I was no longer able or willing to discuss his brother and/or our GC as doing so was simply too painful.

In the beginning we wanted him to be able to talk freely as the estrangement was really painful for him too, despite him maintaining contact with them, but there came a time when doing so was preventing me from being able to move on and begin to heal.

Until you are able to avoid any discussion about your EAC, it may be wise to have no, or very limited contact with this relative because in order to grow in strength, you have to have the time and the space to begin to heal .

Limit your conversation with this person and make it clear that you wish to avoid being upset by not discussing your estranged AC. Otherwise have less contact with this ‘trigger’ person. They seem oblivious to your feelings regarding this estrangement. Could counselling help you?

why do you need to get control of your emotions.
what does that mean; never show that you have any ??
it's natural to sometimes get upset at upsetting situations.
would you be a superior person if you never said ouch! or swore when experiencing physical pain ?
i don't think so.
i see it as similar.
some people are just ignorant, literally.
they won't understand, so don't bother.
like trying to teach a pig to play the violin.
it won't achieve anything but frustration.
horses for courses. ditto pigs. etc.
take care.

👏👏 good post sago

Hi there, I cannot comment re your estrangement but the following is a big red flag.

“My family member says I need to get control of my emotions...which tbh is a bit unfair as the only person who triggers this emotion is with them”

This comment shows your relative will not validate your feelings.
I would consider carefully before you open up to them again.

I think to stay strong you need to have the right people in your life.
Your relative isn’t one of them.

Sorry, I dont have any real advice as I'm still very much thinking about how and why it went wrong for my family.

I do think that your close family member ought to keep their thoughts to them selves.
Even if you bring the subject up,cant you excuse yourself and say you are thinking out loud and don't require an answer?

I have found that some people refuse to accept that they really really don't understand the situation.
Very best wishes
Either that or simply not see that person.