Estrangers and their 'entitled' expectations

@DiamondLily I didn’t mean to imply that everyone here was subject to French or Scottish laws, merely that there are a variety of viewpoints on what children are entitled to. The poster I was responding to made a rather strong assertion as fact; my reply was only meant as a gentle reminder that it’s more subjective than that (legality aside). I apologize if I was unclear <3

No one is appointed to speak for everyone

No one is suggesting that anyone is 'entitled' to a relationship with their AC Mamasperspective.

I was referring more to parents making wills and the family tension this can cause regardless of estrangement.

I don't know anyone who has cut contact with parents/in-laws and still expects inheritance. Most adults now are financially independent and don't care about inheritance. They just care about being respected as adults and their boundaries respected in regards to their own little families. Nobody is 'entitled' to a relationship with their adult child if their adult child is subjected to bad behaviour or overstepping.

I was talking about my mother, She absolutely keeps a tally of "things" rather than the love and emotional support a mother should give

It is DL .

Yes, it’s a pity some ACs don’t worry as much about the living as they do about what happens to the money when the people they’ve estranged are dead.🙄

Me too Babs03!

Making a will was once the privilege of the very or moderately wealthy. My mum was the first person in my family to leave a will, and that's only because she bought her council house- she even had some mortgage left to pay on it.

I had a piece of jewellery made with the money she left.
Nothing destroys families more than pre-occupations with wills. It is like a sickness that no one wants to treat.

Smileless2012

Our decision to leave our ES out of our will isn't because we don't love him or intended to give that message. Leaving him an inheritance wouldn't be proof of our love, if he chooses to believe that we don't love him.

Indeed.
Leaving an estranged child money in a will is not how a parent shows love, that is something that cannot be added up and quantified. So if an estranged child believes that his/her parents don’t love him/her then how can an inheritance demonstrate this.
And of course an estranged child could easily say that an inheritance is just the result of a guilty conscience which in some cases could be true but in many cases would not be true at all.
Is tricky.
Tbh am glad we don’t have much to leave.

Sometimes I think people don't realise how difficult they are being. I was speaking to a lady recently who was complaining about her daughter. I did sit the afternoon with this lady at a tea and she was so negative if I said the sky was blue she would say it was grey. If I agreed with her view on politics she would then disagree and would take small point and blow it into a world shattering event. I went home thinking 'I am glad you are not my mother'. and yet she is well respected by her peers.

inkhooves

Babs03

Nobody is entitled to inheriting money or property. If someone doesn’t work for something they are not entitled to it, whether estranged or not. Is a great privilege to inherit anything and not a right.

That’s your opinion, Babs, and you are entitled to it! Not everyone shares it, however. In some nations (Scotland, for example, has a legitim for all fathers’ estates, and French law is even more explicit) the child is entitled to an inheritance. It shouldn’t be surprising that individuals have differing views on what they are owed by the ones who decided to bring them into the world, since entire judicial systems do. Food for thought

Most posters here don’t live in Scotland or France. If they do, then they have, presumably, to take account of the laws.

Here, thankfully, we can all decide for ourselves who we leave what to.👍

Our decision to leave our ES out of our will isn't because we don't love him or intended to give that message. Leaving him an inheritance wouldn't be proof of our love, if he chooses to believe that we don't love him.

I know I won't be left anything in money or property but I already know there is a letter left for me as I am still in contact with some family

It will just be more of what a horrible daughter I was

Leaving me out of the will alone wouldn't be enough of an abusive "I never loved you" from my mum

I will burn the letter, no law can make me read it

I'm thankful that we can choose who will inherit when we die.

Babs03

Nobody is entitled to inheriting money or property. If someone doesn’t work for something they are not entitled to it, whether estranged or not. Is a great privilege to inherit anything and not a right.

That’s your opinion, Babs, and you are entitled to it! Not everyone shares it, however. In some nations (Scotland, for example, has a legitim for all fathers’ estates, and French law is even more explicit) the child is entitled to an inheritance. It shouldn’t be surprising that individuals have differing views on what they are owed by the ones who decided to bring them into the world, since entire judicial systems do. Food for thought

Not knowing if the one whose estranged you is dead or alive must be the case for some Allsorts if there's no contact with any family member, and must be a living hell, just as it is for those whose loved one disappears, and are never found.

I agree that the kindest act is as you say to tell the truth and go your own way.

That is very sad Tuaim and a tragedy for all involved.

You're right Babs, inheritance is a gift, not a right. Maybe pride would prevent someone whose estranged from wanting to accept an inheritance, but I could never understand why anyone whose refused contact with the deceased, often for many years, wanting to have anything from them at all.

Nobody is entitled to inheriting money or property. If someone doesn’t work for something they are not entitled to it, whether estranged or not. Is a great privilege to inherit anything and not a right.

I knew a family who was incredibly religious so much so that the whole big family was ruled by the patriarch in everything they did. All the children ended up leading disfunctional lives (Guilt trip!) and it was in turn visited on the grandchildren. One adult child ended up nursing the parents in old age and died themselves shortly after. They were finished. The other children all moved to other continents. No warmth or love in that family, just a coldness. Very sad.

Lost contact is estrangement, but worse. Devastating effect on those left who don't know if they are alive or dead, I would rather know mine are alive and well even if they don’t want to see me. The only way i could just willingly disappear is if my life was in danger from them or they had been cruel or abused me, otherwise tell the truth and go your own way, you owe them that.

When I was a girl people just moved away and then were somehow not heard of again. No contact was "lost contact

You dont have to formally estrange your parents. You move to another city. Or you go to work abroad. You become less and less available for phone calls or visits. This is how I managed things. However back in the 1990s/early 2000s there were no smart phones. I never admitted to owning a mobile although I had one in the early 1990s.

Out of sight is out of mind.

VioletSky

No but if abuse has damaged your mental health, your education, your confidence... It would simply be compensation

I do believe this in the cases of abusive parents. For those who have to spend the rest of their lives coping with PTSD, anxiety, depression, and all the other potential trimmings from trauma, an inheritance can be seen as a form of reparations—or at the very least, a means to pay for necessary therapy. I’m very thankful not to be in a situation like this from my own parents, but I’ve witnessed it firsthand in loved ones. Not everyone has the privilege to be able to reject much-needed money due to pride, though I completely understand the ones who can/do.

Allsorts

Glad your mind is at rest Sarah. Why people should contest a will when they had no interest in the person is beyond me.

There used to be a saying along the lines of: “Where there’s a Will, there’s a greedy, grabby relative” lol

Twas ever thus. 🙄

I agree Gummie, when it comes to inheritance if there are no expectations there's no disappointment.

I think in this day and age, when money is quite often used up on care, it would be foolish to expect anything from anyone.
My in-laws had a home, a business, and a holiday home, in the end there was literally nothing left.
But they were well cared for, and we had peace of mind.