Estrangers and their 'entitled' expectations

MissAdventure

sassysayso feels that depriving someone of an inheritance means a chance lost to prove that the child is loved.

She speaks of people on their deathbeds who may well regret not leaving anything.

That's not the same as an expectation is it?

A lot of people say that on relevant threads, no idea if they are actually estranged or if they understand what it is like to be estranged

I will miss out on every inheritance where my family estranged me for not wanting a relationship with my mother... Because I chose not to hurt the family with how she treated me and all the awful things she said about them.

I chose to walk away from my family, of course I expect nothing...

If something came my way regardless, it would just be spent on my children and I would ensure I gained nothing from it that would leave me any guilt

Well they wont know unless their AC tell them why they're being kept at arms length via avoidance of distance, and how do you or they know that they will be in their parents will?

sassysayso feels that depriving someone of an inheritance means a chance lost to prove that the child is loved.

She speaks of people on their deathbeds who may well regret not leaving anything.

I've never actually met an estranged child who expected something from the will and never seen any of us here say they expect it

So OP would do a kindness by remembering this is a shared space when posting

Unfortunately for every Adult child who is No Contact with a parent I have met one that uses Low Contact instead. Sometimes they are in the same family.

Those children will be in the will and their parents will never know they were kept at arms length either by avoiding them or by distance

Sara1954

Please don’t assume that every adult woman who estranges her mother does it without very good reason, and don’t assume that this adult woman has any interest whatsoever in an inheritance.
Honestly, to suggest it’s a ‘trend’ is ridiculous, do you imagine it’s done lightly? Do you think that it’s just a whim?
It normally happens after years of difficulties, and inheritance is the last thing on your mind.

Agreed

I'm sure that's true for most who have estranged Sara and true for those of us who have been estranged, but we just have to make the most of what we have and the people in our lives who do love us.

I think for most of us who have estranged our parents, we would have liked a different story.
I was always envious of my friends who were close with their families, I would have loved to have been part of an affectionate loving family.
I also had a good relationship with my in-laws, my mother in law could be annoying at times, but she was always kind and generous, and I loved my father in law. We were together from a young age, and they always looked out for me.
So although I don’t consider myself to be without blame, I know I tried my best.
Sometimes people just don’t like each other, and nothing can change that

That's my advice too Grams and for anyone whose been estranged and worries that not leaving their estranger an inheritance is the wrong thing to do, hopefully they'll be reassured by those who have estranged that an inheritance wouldn't be wanted anyway.

I can attest to this as well, as my husband wouldn't so much as attend an estate meeting much less accept an inheritance.

Hit post too soon!

So my advice would be to spend the money of yourselves. , live your life to its fullest and leave anything left over to whomever you want.

I will add that I think in large part this is a one sided problem. At least it seems to be from where I stand. I’ve met in life over the years a handful or more of people who , for one reason or the other were estranged from their parents - and with the advent of online forums many online. Not one has ever expected to receive or wanted any sort of inheritance. Nearly all
Had been threatened with losing one when they cut contact - and
On here there’s often posts of estranged parents worrying about how and when “to cut them off”. Most people who estrange seem to not
Care nearly as much about the “inheritance “ as those being estranged seem to think they do

You're welcome Babs. I wish you peace and happiness in your new home x .

Smileless2012

Good news about your move and the new chapter you'll be starting Babs.

It was the best thing we could have done and has really helped us on our healing journey. So much so that after 7.5 years our time here has ended and we are moving again to begin another new chapter.

If and when the time comes to stop sending money, presents and cards for birthdays and Christmas you'll know it's right. It took me by surprise a couple of years ago when we decided to stop sending cards to our GC; we never sent gifts or money.

A bigger surprise was disposing of the memory box a few weeks ago we've had for the GC, and have added too over the years since we were estranged.

We started a memory box but I got too upset by it.
Thanks for your kind comments.
x

Good news about your move and the new chapter you'll be starting Babs.

It was the best thing we could have done and has really helped us on our healing journey. So much so that after 7.5 years our time here has ended and we are moving again to begin another new chapter.

If and when the time comes to stop sending money, presents and cards for birthdays and Christmas you'll know it's right. It took me by surprise a couple of years ago when we decided to stop sending cards to our GC; we never sent gifts or money.

A bigger surprise was disposing of the memory box a few weeks ago we've had for the GC, and have added too over the years since we were estranged.

We have been able to heal since becoming estranged from our daughter. When I remember all the abuse to our faces and online, how we had to tread on egg shells around her, and the constant put downs making us feel 2 inches tall, it reminds me why all our lives are more tolerable without her in them, ourselves and our other 3 daughters.
Sadly I also became estranged from my sister who took sides with my daughter and joined in a racist chorus against my husband.
Am still on meds but have come through the breakdown and am looking forward to moving to a new house and starting a new chapter.
We still send money/presents and cards on birthdays and Xmas to our daughter and GCs, but not sure how much longer we should do it, don’t even know if she gives what we buy to the GCs anyway.

Your poor friend tickingbird, dumped because she couldn't babysit. When I read things like this I can't help but hope that what goes around does come around.

I agree Feverjo there is limited information in the OP so limited in fact that I'm wondering why you've said that it looks like learned behaviour for the family .

Well you've shown her that you're not tempted Sara .

Agreed, Birdie. Not a lot of information in the OP but based on the very limited details it looks like learned behaviour for the family.

Can't babysit--we won't you include you in our lives much.

Don't include me? I'll disinherit you.

Surely there are more healthy ways to resolve family conflict than to emotionally blackmail each other.

Maybe family counselling would be beneficial. It teach tools of effective communication so that messages can get across without the anger and threats.

I agree with the OP that it does appear to be a growing trend, along with labelling people as narcissists at the drop of a hat.
Going no contact seems to be another phrase frequently used, along with flying monkeys etc.

I, personally, don’t have experience of this but I have a good friend who’s a victim of such behaviour. To say she’s been devastated is an understatement. She’s been run ragged by her two AS and really gone out of her way to do everything for them. One weekend couldn’t visit and bang! Finished. No longer required, couldn’t see grandchildren anymore and as if she doesn’t exist. I know this lady very well and she isn’t in the slightest bit pushy or demanding, far from it. 8 years since this happened and she suffers terribly with anxiety brought on by this.

I accept some parents are toxic and AC need to cut contact but I do believe it’s something of a trend and that some selfish AC just don’t want to be bothered with their parents anymore so cook up excuses.

If it happened to me with no good reason I would cut them out of my will, no matter how upsetting.

My mother has told my husband often that if I don’t go and see her she’ll cut me out of her will, what sort of person would that make me? A greedy, hypocritical person is what, and it infuriates me that she thinks I might be tempted.

No me Bridie or what I expect a healthy relationship to be based on.

Emotional blackmail isn't how I would expect a reconciliation!

I hope to live until I am 100 and stuff the lot of them sounds like a plan Purplepixie .

I would have thought threatening to take away someone's inheritance if they don't do what you want is a sure fire way of losing the relationship.

I don't think it's reasonable to expect inheritance from someone you didn't want in your life.

Likewise, I don't think anyone who would use the threat of losing an inheritance is someone to keep in your life.

If the goal is peace and healing, as estrangement is a last resort to, putting a monetary value on it by way of inheritance just feels so wrong.