Estrangers and their 'entitled' expectations

He can expect whatever he wants Gurms but that doesn't mean his expectations will become a reality and I hope that his don't.

Selfish and entitled sums him up. You owe him nothing. I wouldn't have them in my home if I were being kept from my GS.

I hope this terrible situation is son resolved and you can live in peace in your new home .

Gurms, He could whistle for it and get his marching orders, he's a grown man, up to him to keep his family. I would not put up with being kept from my own grandson in my own house. He's made it clear he wants nothing ti do with you. If your solicitor does not understand that, get another ine.

Gurms

I totally agree with your Comments. I have my son and Dil living with me. They have a 1 year old child that they have kept away from me due to some misunderstandings. I took care of him for the 1st 4months but then they started to keep him away from me when I refused to give my younger son's room to them as they were already occupying the rest of the rooms. They do not contribute to the bills of the house. I finally have put my house on sale and my son told the agent that he expects me to given him minimum $250,000 so that he can place a deposit for his new home. He claims that I am leaving him and his family with very little choice and that he now has a baby to think about. I hurt everyday living in the same house but unable to have any contact with my grandson. I cannot imagine that someone can be so selfish and feel so entitled. I am just waiting for my house to get sold so that I can live in peace.

Hopefully, it’ll sell soon, and you can leave your entitled son and DIL to sort themselves out. Most of us did that years ago.

I certainly wouldn’t be handing over that amount of money.🙄

Best wishes.💐

I think it is ok to keep hold of those happy memories

I for one don't think of reason why any more because have come to terms with the fact that she just wanted an excuse. If it had been just me she estranged perhaps I would question, but it was not. We owe it to ourselves and others that do care to make a good life, they not worrying about us. You can’t however stop the memories of happier times now and then creeping in.

I totally agree with your Comments. I have my son and Dil living with me. They have a 1 year old child that they have kept away from me due to some misunderstandings. I took care of him for the 1st 4months but then they started to keep him away from me when I refused to give my younger son's room to them as they were already occupying the rest of the rooms. They do not contribute to the bills of the house. I finally have put my house on sale and my son told the agent that he expects me to given him minimum $250,000 so that he can place a deposit for his new home. He claims that I am leaving him and his family with very little choice and that he now has a baby to think about. I hurt everyday living in the same house but unable to have any contact with my grandson. I cannot imagine that someone can be so selfish and feel so entitled. I am just waiting for my house to get sold so that I can live in peace.

I agree maddy nothing to be gained by doing so and would add nothing to be reproached for when you don't.

We can't speak for everyone though can we User and wanting to know why you've been estranged doesn't mean you want to change the person who estranged you. Wanting to know doesn't mean that the one estranged will we seek to undermine their decision. Wanting to know doesn't mean that the one estranged will play the victim.

Not all estrangements are for the same reasons so it makes no sense to tar all of those that have been estranged with the same brush.

Unless you're aware of any issues in the relationship before estrangement happens, there's nothing you can do to try to prevent it, and not everyone is aware because it's not been discussed.

maddyone

And therefore User138562, there is absolutely nothing to be gained from a parent leaving property or money to the adult child who has estranged them.
I believe that was the original question asked by the OP.

Yes, I think the original question got lost somewhere on this thread. 🙂

And therefore User138562, there is absolutely nothing to be gained from a parent leaving property or money to the adult child who has estranged them.
I believe that was the original question asked by the OP.

I thought the above issues would be why a person estranged someone in the first place.

If there's anything the conversations on this site have taught me it is this.

If someone has decided to end a relationship, there is no benefit to be had on either side from providing the "reasons why".

Some people won't hear a negative word about their own behavior. Some people can't help but reflect any issue you have back at you. Some people will find a way to be the victim in any situation. Giving reasons only provides more opportunity for the stranger to have their decision undermined.

If you can't resolve the issues on the relationship before it gets to the point of estrangement, there is no point. Some relationships aren't meant to last forever.

It's best for all to just let it die and move on to better times rather than torturing yourself trying to change a person who doesn't want to change.

It's a possibility but as EP's who weren't told the reason(s) why, we would have preferred to have known.

Does no one consider that being told reasons but then being estranged anyway might make it harder?

No parent is ever perfect are they inkhooves and both EP's and EAC often describe the AC whose estranged or the parents/in laws who have been estranged as toxic.

As has already been said, estrangement per se isn't toxic but the method used can be. It's can be the case that no reason for the estrangement is given, and I agree that it's much fairer for those reasons to be given, rather than leaving the one who has been estranged guessing.

Yes, there comes a time when there is relief of not having to deal with a toxic person, defined a someone who is harmful or unpleasant in a pervasive insidious way, but when that person is your own child or parent, the relief wont always supersede the love you have for them and/or the vacuum their absence leaves in your live.

It certainly seems from the contributions made to this thread by those who have estranged that an inheritance wouldn't be welcomed maddy, which may help to put to rest any concerns EP's might have about disinheriting their EAC as well as dispelling the often stated claim that doing so is 'wanting to have the last word', 'revenge' and/or 'leaving a message that the EAC isn't loved' all of which have been said here on GN in the past.

If you have been truly estranged, no problem, cut them out of your will. Leave a letter explaining why. You could leave their share to their children, your grandchildren, or you could simply share it between any other children who have not estranged you.
If your child doesn’t want you in their life, I can’t see why they would want your money after you die.

Also, does anyone have a definition for “toxic”? It does get bandied about quite a lot for such an amorphous term, lol.

@VioletSky Kudos to you for putting in the work—I also spent a long time in therapy and educating myself before making the choice to have children. As you said, they deserve an amazing childhood. I’m sorry you didn’t receive that as a child; you deserved it, too.

My parents were not perfect and didn’t have all the resources I had when I became a parent, but they also sought counsel and help before having my brother and I. They were married a decade before me! They also were extremely proactive about educating themselves while raising us, and are quick to apologize or express regret for the things they would have done differently now. Both my brother and I are extremely close with them, and look forward to caring for them as they continue to age.

I contrast this with my husband’s parents, who—despite calling him their “do-over baby”—have always been extremely resistant to any change or self-examination. They feel he should be grateful for their abuse, since they brought him into this world, and see him as an extension of themselves (or in his mother’s case, a replacement husband). I’m fortunate that my husband had already distanced himself greatly by the time we reconnected as adults, because they were ghastly to be around even when I was a teen and they were on “guest behavior”.

I don’t really understand this consistent theme I see (on this forum exclusively) that an adult child cutting a parent out of their life is “toxic”—but the age-old “falling out of touch” style is just fine? As previous posters have pointed out, estrangement has always existed. It’s just that now, technology has evolved so that it is much harder to do the “drift apart”. People who don’t respect boundaries or feel they shouldn’t apply to them can use phone, email, texting, etc to continue chasing someone who is trying to leave their life, which is why I think many choose to make the “cut-off” explicit. They may also feel that it’s more fair to be clear about the estrangement than to leave the person estranged wondering where they are, perhaps. Either way, it’s not toxic or abusive to leave a relationship. I am entitled to no one, not my husband nor my children, and I keep that in mind when I choose how I treat them. It is only my children who are entitled to my care and love—because I asked for them, they didn’t ask for me. If they choose to leave me when they grow up, that is their right. We all are free to remove ourselves from a relationship.

Certainly there may be those who end said relationship in a toxic way (I saw blackmail mentioned), but I should think that if they are such a person, you’d be glad to be estranged from them. I certainly wouldn’t want anyone who tried to blackmail me in my life, and I’ve been heartily relieved to get away from them in the past.

In my experience it has only been unsafe people who treat me that way

People stuck in a victim mentality like my mother was, unable to face their own wrongdoing and living an untruth

I don't really mind if other people want to misinterpret something I say without simply asking because it doesn't reflect badly on me

I don't agree that just because someone doesn't want help, that makes them an unsafe person. It maybe that the help being offered isn't appropriate for their needs. It maybe that the person offering the help is an unsafe person.

TBF VS as your post didn't mention your mother and brother I don't see any thing wrong with DL's response.

Diamondlily

Is that a response to me?

I was actually talking about real life people, not internet people... My mother and brother for one because I tried for so long to have a good relationship

So that response wasn't warranted

Some people don’t want help from random internet posters for a variety of reasons..

It doesn’t make them always unsafe, and it doesn’t mean the person trying to help, who doesn’t actually know all the facts, is always right.

Each family is different. 🤷‍♀️

That's why I spent a lot of time getting help, my children are amazing and deserve an amazing childhood

The love I felt for them and the fact that I could never treat them the way I was treated helps immensely

Fortunately I am quite emotionally intelligent as an autistic person because we work harder to read signs and signals. Like a lot of autistic people, I cannot as easily walk in someone's shoes but what I can do is take a special interest in helping someone to the point that I will educate myself for hours

Some people don't want my help or like it I suppose but I have learned that is only unsafe people

Some children do seem much more emotionally intelligent these days it's just a pity that some AC/parents aren't.

We are and do take responsibility for how are children are raised but that does not make us responsible for the choices they make in adult hood.

There are positives as well as negatives that can be traced back to ACE's, when for example the cycle of abuse is broken because an adult refuses to become a perpetrator because they were once a victim; the cycle of estrangement can be broken too.

As has already been said on this thread, estranging can be hostile and toxic and that's not because of a belief that everyone's entitled to have a relationship with whoever they want.

It's time that this estrangement myth was put to bed. Not all EP's are abusive and toxic, sometimes the EAC and/or their partner are the ones responsible for abusive and toxic behaviour

I don't think I would have had the strength to estrange if my children hadn't told me they didn't like her

Children are much more emotionally intelligent these days

Vs as you said no one can speak for everyone. Your experience is your own; estranged parents its their own. The main worry of an abused child is that not having that love and security from birth it gives them no experience to draw on later in life. Everyone knows how important a happy, safe childhood should be. Sone people just shouldn't have children.
If you’re an estranged parent you miss all that love you had and the happier times shared and its hard letting go which we must as it’s decided for us. The majority of mothers do put their children's needs first but we all make the odd mistake as we are not perfect and some children expect them to be. ..Thankfully grandchildren form their own views.