Out of the mouths of babes

I’m presuming your daughter is still in contact with her brother? Have you really never spoken of him to her?

Most people will have had children by the time they get their 40s whether they are estranged from their parents or not.

I’m sorry you are hurting though

I would first focus on not upsetting your granddaughters who likely don’t know they said or did anything wrong or upsetting. I’d also focus on not being mad at your daughter - it’s not her place to tell you and presumably she’s been asked not to tell you both by your son , and yourself in declaring you didn’t want to hear about him. As much as it hurts it’s not fair to shoot the messenger as they say

Of course Ive spoken to my daughter about him she has recently been emptying her deceased fathers flat with him and putting it on the market he is not completely unmentionable I dont tell her to shut up about him. I let her say what shes got to say about him but I never pry or enquire. And she has never mentioned he had children probably for obvious reasons. They are in an awkward position like the elephant in the room.

I am not mad at my daughter or the grandchildren .however I knew that something of this nature would surface sooner or later. Im the wronged individual here not them and nobody is shooting any messenger.

That is an uncomfortable situation for your GD to not be able to mention her uncle. I do get that it is very hard for you, but she should not have to shoulder that burden. She is only little.

So how do you suggest I respond?

I can understand you are upset that they have never mentioned it, in all honesty. But you didn’t ask and maybe your daughter feels stuck in the middle of all of this?

Fethiye53

So how do you suggest I respond?

You either talk to your daughter or you just ignore it. Life is too short to not engage or talk, if you need to.

I too wouldn’t have said that to your granddaughter but glossed over it.

Fethiye53

So how do you suggest I respond?

I would tell your DD that you know, that your DGC told you, but say there’s no blame attached to them.Then say that you don’t want to hear anything more about either your son or his family and ask her if she will quietly let the DGC know this.

Hello Fethiye, so until your GD mentioned your estranged son's children you had no idea they even existed. Being estranged by your own child is very painful, and even though you know they are of course getting on with their lives which may include having children of their own, it's something that as an EP you try to put to the back of your mind.

You understandably IMO told your D you didn't want to know anything about your son which will be why she never told you about his children. As she is in contact with him, your GD's will know that they have cousins who are his children, and they are also your GC.

You don't say how old your GD is but perhaps when you see her next time you could tell her you're sorry that you asked her not to talk about her uncle again, but as you haven't seen him for many years you had no idea he had children so it was quite a shock to be told he did.

We've been estranged from our youngest son and only GC for more than 11.5 years and there are still times when the hurt and the anger surfaces, and as much as we wish it didn't, I think it always will .

My daughter is in the same situation, we have had no contact with our son for eleven years but she very occasionally meets him and there are texts between them just to keep in some sort of contact. My son has no children. I do ask her very occasionally about him but don't want to put her in a difficult position, although I don't think that she has a lot of respect for him. We are in our late seventies and have learnt to live with this awful situation we have found ourselves in but there's no way we would not have heard that I had other grandchildren.

I think when you wrote:
I did say to my daughter back then that I never want to hear anything about him and his wife again
most of us assumed that you weren't talking to your daughter about him.

I realise the situation is awkward but it's very awkward for your daughter who will probably love you both.

I think Smileless has suggested a good way of addressing the matter with your granddaughter though.

It may even be that your daughter and your son's family will meet up (or have already done so - during the house clearance maybe?) - so you may need to think about how you might respond to that, should it ever be discussed. It clearly is not a good idea to shut the children down - which I'm sure you know.

Like my cousin said years later, after his wife deceived him, you forgive to release yourself from their clutches but you don't need to forget and this gives you permission to ignore, ignore, and ignore again and go a live your best life.

Wise words from your cousin Tuaim.

I would simply listen, smile and change the subject with your granddaughter, no need to pass on the pain and confusion to her. It's up to your daughter to explain to her children when the time is right and they need to hear age appropriate truth about family relationships

VioletSky

I would simply listen, smile and change the subject with your granddaughter, no need to pass on the pain and confusion to her. It's up to your daughter to explain to her children when the time is right and they need to hear age appropriate truth about family relationships

Agreed. I don’t think putting it on grandaughter not to mention her uncle / cousins is appropriate

Its such a great shame how estrangement hurts the whole family, because you and your son are estranged its now involving your granddaughters whom would normally have a relationship with their uncle and cousins..I know it must be hard for you, he is still your son, you said years ago you never wanted to hear about him as you obviously felt very hurt. I still want to hear about my d but i don't as she doesn't speak to her brother. That bothers me but there is nothing i can do. If the cousins do ever get in contact in my case I would not have objections as its not their fault and I would be pleased for my two to talk as they used to be close, its me she has the problem with. Your d is caught in the middle after what you said, I would release her from that and your gc You love your 2 gd and have another 2 you have just found out about you must feel very upset by that as you already are a loving grandma.