Daughter won't communicate with me at all

RubyLegend that comment doesn't mention either estranged parents or estranged children, my situation happens to be myself estranging from my mother but what I said applies across the board in relationships

So I am not sure what your point is there?

VioletSky

The act of dismissing another person's experience/concerns/feelings in a relationship by saying "recollections may vary" or similar is an absolutely sire fire way to destroy your own relationship

The truth is that those feelings are real to the other person, that's how they perceived events and if you don't meet them at least half way by thinking you are somehow "right" in all things, then you have put yourself first

"Recollections may vary" works both ways and if you aren't truly listening to the other person and making an effort to understand their perspective, it may be your recollection at fault

But recollections DO vary and when the door has already been closed on the relationship by the AC then it's inevitable that parents look for answers.

Some parents are not given a choice. Indeed there can be an ascending list of 'wrongs' which merge into one another - hence creating impossible hurdles for parents to jump over.

There's no remit of being right in everything all the time, quite the contrary. Listening and understanding has been key to our attempts to find answers. Not everyone's situation is the same and not truly listening can be from both sides.

Some people are of course, content out of family relationships and that's fine. Detonating a grenade on the way out is pretty vengeful.

I think we probably know less of the real truth about that family than you do mine Diamondlily

DiamondLily

From what I’ve read, Prince Harry kept a diary of, in his opinion, what was said and done and by whom.

Some of his diarised “facts” were later disproved, and recollections still varied.🙄

I am not Prince Harry and neither are other abuse victims

Besides, it is police advice to keep a diary as evidence when there is domestic violence

Keeping a diary of incidents, interactions, etc., is inherently one-sided. Are the other parties involved also keeping diaries, and is there ever an opportunity to compare diaries?

It’s not really an objective or useful activity, except perhaps as a memory jogger, and then you are back to your own subjective recollections.

That was certainly the case with Prince Harry as you say DL.

You make a good point biglouise, there isn't necessarily someone to blame.

Family life may come as a great burden to some people so they shy away from it. The relatives who are being distanced may not have "done" anything wrong or hurtful. Some individuals are loners and just dont want the excess baggage of too many demands that are inherent in relationships. I feel this way myself.

ER, are you perhaps trying to hold on too tightly? Just like when a drowning person grabs hold of a life saver and drowns them both.

Could you send her a loving note saying that you love her and you will not bother her again until she contacts you. No recriminations or pestering her.

If you set her free it might reduce her stress with you and as she (and you) relax it might repair things.

Your post shouts stress and angst and this is not helpful to your mental health either.

Don’t press your other children for information either. They will invariably tell your daughter and lead her to further feelings of being pressured and under the yoke.

Relax as much as you can about the situation, I know it will be hard but the more you think about it, try and control it and try to influence your daughter’s decision the more of an obsession it will become. Then you are on a nasty circle of pain.

Good luck.

From what I’ve read, Prince Harry kept a diary of, in his opinion, what was said and done and by whom.

Some of his diarised “facts” were later disproved, and recollections still varied.🙄

I'm sure EleanorRose has wondered if she's said or done something to bring this sad situation about Caleo, I've yet to come across and EP who hasn't. That doesn't alter the fact that sometimes EP's are accused of doing and/or saying things they've never said or done.

Of course it's OK to question whether their views are based on fact RubyLegend. If you're accused of something you haven't done what's wrong with defending yourself?

I also don't know why there's often a problem, on here, of saying that sometimes it's the ACs being unreasonable/abusive etc DL. It's ridiculous and is no help to any EP posting here, anymore than it would help an EAC if it was more often than not assumed that they must be at fault.

A diary could just as easily be a written account of false allegations. When you call someone out for a lie, you are not dismissing their concerns, experience and feelings. If something didn't happen; it didn't happen.

Yes that's what my mother said too, and that it was "weird"

But only after I was able to give her own exact words back to her

Saved my sanity many times

But, surely that would create the same problem - I kept a diary, as a child, as most kids did then, but a diary is just a personal recollection and view of events.🤷‍♀️

Anyway, who’s got the time to keep a constant daily written record of anything and everything a family member might say to you, and you say back?🤔

I had a rather simple method of dealing with "recollections may vary" I simply kept a diary.

It is what I would advise anyone dealing with someone who has a frequent habit of saying "that never happened" or "I never said that" to do

The act of dismissing another person's experience/concerns/feelings in a relationship by saying "recollections may vary" or similar is an absolutely sire fire way to destroy your own relationship

The truth is that those feelings are real to the other person, that's how they perceived events and if you don't meet them at least half way by thinking you are somehow "right" in all things, then you have put yourself first

"Recollections may vary" works both ways and if you aren't truly listening to the other person and making an effort to understand their perspective, it may be your recollection at fault

No one gets it right all of the time. We all do things that are less than nice at times - even ACs,🙄

I don’t know why there’s often a problem, on here, with saying that sometimes it’s the ACs being unreasonable/abusive etc 🤷‍♀️

Not always but it happens.

User138562

It seems rather egocentric to think your own perspective is so perfect and accurate that you alone can determine if someone else's experience is based in reality.

I imagine an approach like that would explain why someone might "not know" what they did wrong when a relationship fails. That would bring a relationship to a screeching halt.

Well that's a big leap to label a person egocentric from the position of questioning the validity of what comes hurling towards them when excuses are made for bad behaviour.

No one in these situations is perfect. However, when an EAC and their partner become judge and jury, meting out edicts and lines in the sand, its actually OK to question whether their views are based on facts. Sadly, it's often the opposite.

Our late Queen used the phrase 'recollections may vary'. That view must have come after much soul searching as a mother and grandmother. I can understand why she felt the need to stand up to untruths.

Smileless, It would surprise me if Eleanor Rose had not wondered if it had been something she said or did.
We can all , including Eleanor Rose, alter our own behaviour. So if ER can see it was something she said or did then she will know her way ahead, and that would help her.

This, although User is right - the comments of random people trying to determine the experience of others, who have been estranged, can be harsh.

I do agree with you that the OP, from what she posted, appeared to be anything but egocentric. 🤷‍♀️

I guess we can only go on what we read. 🙂

User138562

It seems rather egocentric to think your own perspective is so perfect and accurate that you alone can determine if someone else's experience is based in reality.

I imagine an approach like that would explain why someone might "not know" what they did wrong when a relationship fails. That would bring a relationship to a screeching halt.

That’s harsh and not what I took away from what the OP is saying. She sounds heartbroken rather than egocentric and tbh if she was egocentric I doubt she post out of desperation an a forum like this. She would think that she was totally right about everything and so wouldn’t need others opinions.
As a parent with a daughter who wants nothing to do with her I dare say she judges herself more harshly than you ever could and doesn’t need others weighing in with their judgements as well.

It seems rather egocentric to think your own perspective is so perfect and accurate that you alone can determine if someone else's experience is based in reality.

I imagine an approach like that would explain why someone might "not know" what they did wrong when a relationship fails. That would bring a relationship to a screeching halt.

DiamondLily

My mother could be a nightmare, but I’ve never held her responsible for things that left me feeling embarrassed or ashamed of any actions I took. 🤷‍♀️

I did whatever I did, as an adult - it was no one else’s fault.🙂

Think you have missed the point being made by a few miles here

A critical mother can make a daughter feel ashamed and embarrassed about things she shouldn't be was the point being made to you

RubyLegend

@EleanorRose
You may also find that if you were told whatever the reasons are that they make no sense and have no basis in reality. Finding out may not help, sometimes it can be other pressures which are nothing to do with you but with other people in their life.

And it can also be projection. Look after yourself as a priority. Get your strength back so you can live your life without fear.

Good advice. 👍

Why does she think you have mental health issues? Perhaps ask your husband or one of your other children to get her to explain.

You make a good point RubyLegend that any reasons given may have no basis in reality as that is sometimes the case.