Threshold for Estrangement

Best thing you did DL, those selfish adults had a good dad who was there for them and they took advantage of his love and generosity.

Yes, I felt the same with my adult AC step-children.

They had caused my late DH misery for 18 years, so I cheerfully booted them out of my life when he died.

I did let them know exactly why though. 😉

My threshold for estrangement was when she started directly harming what I love.

I was brainwashed to think all of my abuse and neglect is normal, to the point that I was actually feeling grateful that my beating didn't involve any objects.

But when they started harming others was when I realized the parent-child bond needed to be severed.

Grunty

Bit difficult to respond to the OP as it's been deleted?

Ah, well that’s the end of that then. 🤷‍♀️

Everyone is different, every reason has a different circumstance.

My line in the sand would include mental, physical, or substance abuse, cruelty, etc. No communication, I'd just get on with no contact.

Bit difficult to respond to the OP as it's been deleted?

All types of abuse are enough. Physical, verbal, emotional, etc. People define abuse differently, and struggle to identify abusive behaviors correctly sometimes, which makes it much harder to use as a definitive criteria.

I think intentions are what really matter. Estrangement is a defensive move, done as a last resort. When I cut my mom off, it was because I couldn't handle dynamic between us and also care for my mental health. Any attempts to change the dynamic were rejected. So I made the choice to save myself. I wasn't using it to get a reaction or make her change, but to take control of my own life.

In the end, I don't think anyone has the power to tell me my estrangement wasn't justified because it was up to me. If it is justified to me, it is justified.

No one (outside of special circumstances like abuse from a spouse) cuts off a loving family. That's just how I feel about it. Where there is estrangement there is a toxic dynamic.

I think it would always be prudent to take a difficult relationship to someone able to look at it objectively. However any kind of abuse comes with manifest symptoms, mental health issues and physical health issues go hand in hand. If there were a cancer in your body, you would seek to destroy it before it slowly kills you. Often the cure for cancer is a horrible burden on the body and mind and incredibly painful but when the cancer is gone, people are healed. If the symptoms caused by a relationship are mental and physical pain and anguish, perhaps like cancer, they must be cut out so that healing can begin.

I'd echo the above.

Obviously there can never be absolute proof that an estrangement is unequivocally fair and "acceptable" for all parties. Lots of people make allowances for horrible things just to avoid the guilt of ending a relationship that society puts so much value and pressure on, even when the relationship makes them ill, because there are no set rules for when it should or should not occur. However, my "justification" came when I was at my very lowest, and I realised the relationship was threatening to somehow take me lower. I couldn't see the logic in maintaining a relationship that could make even my worst experiences more terrible, especially when you're ostensibly supposed to be able to turn to family when times get hard.

I also couldn't see the logic in continuing the relationship when I realised there was absolutely no way I would continue to call somebody a friend if they treated me the same way. I think that is the more generally applicable litmus test for me now: if you're certain you wouldn't accept it from your friend, are you certain you're willing to accept it from your family?

Well, it depends on the situation, who else it involves, and when you’ve had enough.

With my adult step kids, I could only cut them completely loose when my DH died.🤷‍♀️

But, as I say, every estrangement situation is different. We all (or should ) have our own boundaries. 🙂

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Yes I agree. I was told my mental health issues would never improve while the person who gave birth to me was in my life
Sad

When my mental health couldn't have survived and recovered without such a drastic last resort solution despite multiple other chances to make it work

How many chances were my parents given? I lost count for sure. Way more than 10 - so many years of chances and explanations and they claim not to know why (rolling my eyes)

Estrangement has a different backstory in every case.

It’s not based on individual examples of anything.🙂

Anyone can be damaging, whatever or whoever they are, regardless of age. 🙂