New Here.
Although I hurt deeply, I can confirm that getting on with life after estrangement from my only daughter is possible. I regularly revisit her childhood in my head and know that I didn’t recognise the problems she had or deal with them appropriately. I just carried on dealing with it all thinking we would get through it somehow . I now think she may be autistic, or have been sexually abused. These were barely known about in those days. To other people her behaviour was a nightmare and she had few friends. My friends were supportive with childcare.
Looking back there were a lot of red flags that I should have seen and I regret bitterly my not taking different action. in her 20s I tried to help her with independent housing, she had basic jobs and seemed to be managing, then came a psychotic breakdown, diagnosed bipolar. She refused medication, but somehow got better. She rejected my help apart from cash which I did not begrudge. Eventually I moved away but we kept in touch by phone and email. She had a boyfriend who caused problems and after dramas in which she said she would leave her flat, my family ,partner and I bought a house for her to live in, as I was sure she would end up on the streets. This seemed a good solution and things went comparatively well for a few years, and things settled down with b/f. I did not see her very much, but last year there was a family party which we all enjoyed and we seemed close. 4 moths on and the accusations started…she had made many before about practically everyone in her fathers family. In fact he had been convicted of sexually assaulting a cousin. She at the time denied that the same had happened to her. We had to talk very carefully about all this and I did everything I could to support her, but when she made the accusations about me I could not cope. She turned to other members of my family who dealt with her carefully but thought she was manipulatively trying to extract cash for her silence. This has been distressing and harrowing and I don’t know why she has said all this. I have said that of course I regret some things that I could have done better, while never really naming her appalling behaviour. ( though in fact she has apologised for being a nightmare when she was growing up)
In the summer I made an unannounced visit which was a disaster, but I needed to see that she was alive, and managing. When I saw her apparently working a bit , coping with her relationship and seeing that I was the person who she was most angry with, withdrew and have not had any contact since then.
I have to say on a day to day basis life is easier not having to contend with malicious emails every day. I do things that make me feel calmer and less stressed. I am incredibly sad, and still worry about her mental health as well as my own, but I accept this is how it has to be for now. I can’t decide whether to send her something for Xmas birthday as the last time there was no acknowledgement. So I think many of the posters on here are right about no contact can be possible, though she will always be my daughter , I love her but cannot bear her behaviour towards me any more. I hope some of you get to have happier stories.
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