Relief

Indeed we do DL, but not always what we thought we'd have to do though.

Yep, we all need to do what makes us happy. 👍🍾🍾

Sometimes you have to separate from relationships/situations that harm you, so well done OP. There comes a time when distance is healthier for all.

......in your opinion.

stillawip I am afraid where there is little empathy to be found searching is a futile exercise

stillawip

People may disagree with me on the money thing but if you feel you have been terribly wronged as a child, then maybe you want to "get something back" . Just trying to see things from EACs point of view. And I speak as a previously estranged parent who is now happily reconciled with her adult child after REALLY listening to what they were trying to tell me...

From experience, I would say the best “revenge” for getting something back from what you consider to be the harm that others have done, to you, is to go off and have a happy, fulfilled life.

You don’t need to grab money, from those you consider caused you harm, on the way past.

That just looks grabby. 😙

Grunty, not sure if your comment was in reply to mine, but if so then, sorry, I should have made clear that financial demands were
n't the situation for us, but I could just see how it might be with others....

Yes, exactly

I think the poster was trying to lead the conversation, anyway, hoping someone would agree.

And sometimes MissA when you do get you think you wanted, you can discover it wasn't what you wanted at all. That's the message I'm getting from some of the posts we see here.

Do you mean like accepting a bribe? Doesn't sound like a healthy way to heal from a broken relationship does it? But I suppose it comes down to personal ethics and pride.

My heart is so terribly broken for this young lady who has experienced such an awful kind of abuse within her own family. I hope someone can help her and show her true empathy and support. Something has gone terribly wrong if she equates money with love.

You can't always get what you want, you just might find, you get what you need.

People may disagree with me on the money thing but if you feel you have been terribly wronged as a child, then maybe you want to "get something back" . Just trying to see things from EACs point of view. And I speak as a previously estranged parent who is now happily reconciled with her adult child after REALLY listening to what they were trying to tell me...

Hmmm, I don’t think I could ever be accused of begrudging those I love of anything.

But, support is a two way street. If you don’t want to know someone, that’s fair enough - but don’t stick your hands out for money at the same time.

We’ve had poverty in this country before - it’s not a new invention.

stillawip

Actually, I think it's understandable - if you think someone has done you great wrong, why not try to 'get your own back' a little by taking money away from them? It may be a case of "he/she owes me this, it's the least they can do after the way they treated me"...

Unfortunately we live in a society where money is needed for very basic needs. It seems very strange to me to begrudge out own children financial assistance because they did not grow up to fulfil some sort of expectations we had. Especially in the case of a child who sustained terrible abuse under our own care. Rather I think our generation seems to have unreasonable expectations, a lack of boundaries and an inability to admit to or address our own failings.

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Grunty

I'm always astonished that adult children who decide to turn their backs on their parents, for whatever reason, don't seem to have any problems accepting financial help from the same parents they want nothing to do with. As in this case.

Yes, their principles appear very flexible at times. 🤷‍♀️

It may be a case of "he/she owes me this, it's the least they can do after the way they treated me"...

You're a grown up; nobody owes you anything.

I agree with whoever said whatever we parents do sometimes our children feel it is not enough. I do think it is particularly true of this generation of adult children. I know of at least 3 women whose daughters treat them ... well, like dirt I suppose. One acts hot and cold and my friend worries herself sick about her. She torments her mother, one day being overwhelmingly sweet and nice and another day not replying to phone calls or messages. Another verbally threatens all sorts of things and her mother spends her whole life trying to appease her. There are many instances. The problem as I see it is that they think parents should be perfect and of course none of us are.
Many adult children seem to think their parents are responsible for all their problems and should be able to sort them out even though in a lot of cases they have chosen their own lifestyles. I can't understand it as, as far as I know, nobody of my generation treated their parents like that. People get labelled autistic etc and maybe they play on it. I think they should just get on with sorting out their own lives and treat their parents with respect. My parents were hardly perfect but they were of their time and dealt with things as they saw fit. I didn't like a lot of what they did but they supported me and I always cared for them. These disrespectful adult children need to get a grip on reality or "man up".

Actually, I think it's understandable - if you think someone has done you great wrong, why not try to 'get your own back' a little by taking money away from them? It may be a case of "he/she owes me this, it's the least they can do after the way they treated me"...

Yes I find it astonishing too Grunty. If I wanted nothing to do with someone I wouldn't want anything from them at all and would leave them in peace to get on with their lives.

I'm always astonished that adult children who decide to turn their backs on their parents, for whatever reason, don't seem to have any problems accepting financial help from the same parents they want nothing to do with. As in this case.

Hello there, your daughter has gone through one of the most traumatic things a child can possibly go through and with the possibility of autism on top, even less chance of being able to manage those feelings well. It should come as no great suprise to anyone that has caused many failings with her mental health. You are her mother and she may feel very strongly that she went unprotected as a child or even feel that the signs were missed. As we know children who act out in childhood often are experiencing some form of traumatic event and blaming the child rather than finding the reason sometimes is the wrong route. As often as your daughter thinks of the abuse she will think of who was there at the time. Her good memories of childhood will be overwritten and shadowed with pain and trauma. The responsibility of your daughter right now is to overcome this trauma that was done to her and it appears from your unannounced visit there is some evidence of healing. Your responsibility must be to give her the space to enable that. She may not be able to separate her past from a happy future. That is painful but at times we have to allow others to take a path to healing that no longer includes us and simply wish them well of it from afar.

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