New Here.
Although I hurt deeply, I can confirm that getting on with life after estrangement from my only daughter is possible. I regularly revisit her childhood in my head and know that I didn’t recognise the problems she had or deal with them appropriately. I just carried on dealing with it all thinking we would get through it somehow . I now think she may be autistic, or have been sexually abused. These were barely known about in those days. To other people her behaviour was a nightmare and she had few friends. My friends were supportive with childcare.
Looking back there were a lot of red flags that I should have seen and I regret bitterly my not taking different action. in her 20s I tried to help her with independent housing, she had basic jobs and seemed to be managing, then came a psychotic breakdown, diagnosed bipolar. She refused medication, but somehow got better. She rejected my help apart from cash which I did not begrudge. Eventually I moved away but we kept in touch by phone and email. She had a boyfriend who caused problems and after dramas in which she said she would leave her flat, my family ,partner and I bought a house for her to live in, as I was sure she would end up on the streets. This seemed a good solution and things went comparatively well for a few years, and things settled down with b/f. I did not see her very much, but last year there was a family party which we all enjoyed and we seemed close. 4 moths on and the accusations started…she had made many before about practically everyone in her fathers family. In fact he had been convicted of sexually assaulting a cousin. She at the time denied that the same had happened to her. We had to talk very carefully about all this and I did everything I could to support her, but when she made the accusations about me I could not cope. She turned to other members of my family who dealt with her carefully but thought she was manipulatively trying to extract cash for her silence. This has been distressing and harrowing and I don’t know why she has said all this. I have said that of course I regret some things that I could have done better, while never really naming her appalling behaviour. ( though in fact she has apologised for being a nightmare when she was growing up)
In the summer I made an unannounced visit which was a disaster, but I needed to see that she was alive, and managing. When I saw her apparently working a bit , coping with her relationship and seeing that I was the person who she was most angry with, withdrew and have not had any contact since then.
I have to say on a day to day basis life is easier not having to contend with malicious emails every day. I do things that make me feel calmer and less stressed. I am incredibly sad, and still worry about her mental health as well as my own, but I accept this is how it has to be for now. I can’t decide whether to send her something for Xmas birthday as the last time there was no acknowledgement. So I think many of the posters on here are right about no contact can be possible, though she will always be my daughter , I love her but cannot bear her behaviour towards me any more. I hope some of you get to have happier stories.
Indeed we do DL, but not always what we thought we'd have to do though.
Yes, sometimes, as adults, we need to go down paths we never thought we’d need to.
But, most on here manage to live happy, fulfilled lives anyway.🙂
Luminance
Hello there, your daughter has gone through one of the most traumatic things a child can possibly go through and with the possibility of autism on top, even less chance of being able to manage those feelings well. It should come as no great suprise to anyone that has caused many failings with her mental health. You are her mother and she may feel very strongly that she went unprotected as a child or even feel that the signs were missed. As we know children who act out in childhood often are experiencing some form of traumatic event and blaming the child rather than finding the reason sometimes is the wrong route. As often as your daughter thinks of the abuse she will think of who was there at the time. Her good memories of childhood will be overwritten and shadowed with pain and trauma. The responsibility of your daughter right now is to overcome this trauma that was done to her and it appears from your unannounced visit there is some evidence of healing. Your responsibility must be to give her the space to enable that. She may not be able to separate her past from a happy future. That is painful but at times we have to allow others to take a path to healing that no longer includes us and simply wish them well of it from afar.
What an eloquent and intelligent post.
As a victim of physical and emotional abuse I have much empathy for the daughter, my childhood was dreadful and all my Mother could do was blame me for everything that went wrong, I hated her, she never once acknowledged my pain.
The OP has admitted her daughter’s Father is a sex offender and fears she may have been sexually abused.
This is dreadful.
I would suggest forgetting presents and consider counselling separately and eventually together.
Poor, poor daughter.
Sadly ED has never accepted the idea of counselling, with or without me. And has rejected offers of help from everyone…she is isolated . Believe me if I had known there was sexual abuse I would have protected her. He did not live with us and we moved away because I thought she was at risk where we lived…it only came out twenty years later . But thank you for your comments and thoughts.
I am really not bothered about the Xmas thing…we never did Xmas since she was a teenager. But have always sent her something as she is not earning much. But will rethink in view of what has been said.
If she was sexually abused by her own father, I don't know how anyone can trust again. That is a difficult thing to process for me and I had good parents who i trusted 100% so can't see how she could ever get over it or you, which I know sounds very bleak. Would counselling and raking it all back up help?. I can’t see how. People that do that to children should never be taken out of prison. Don't see howc anyone can advise its too complex,
So incredibly sad. Such a difficult situation. Not sure there are any answers. No amount of money or presents will ever help (unfortunately).
Having had a similar experience on both sides, I would send a card and keep options open. Such a very sad place to be for both mother and daughter. My heart goes out to both
Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.
Well you were all right. I send a short message to say I hoped things would change and wishing her the best. Got a one liner which told me it wouldn’t. Still sad.
Potteringabout I know it's hard s but at least you know where you stand . She doesn't want you in her life and it hurts . You never imagine your child would one day decided you are no longer wanted as a mom or grandmother . It happened to me 4.5 years ago via email and follow up letter . What hurt me most is realising my son is a cruel coward. As he hadn't got the guts to tell me to my face I no longer wanted. I have 3 grandson's with him and my daughter in law only know the oldest 2 don't even know the name of date of birth of youngest. They are now 8,6&4.
But I am lucky I have a wonderful daughter,son in law and 2 grandson's nearly 7&4. Who I see regularly.
Last year I made the hard decision to give up any hope of ever seeing or speaking to my son ever again. And been happier making that decision.
Why don't you pop on the support thread and you won't feel alone . It was and still is a lifeline for me . But it's not doom and gloom but a group of people who understand how you feel and we talk about anything and everything. They are good friends
now . Yes we do get trolled but they are soon gone .
Potteringabout24
Well you were all right. I send a short message to say I hoped things would change and wishing her the best. Got a one liner which told me it wouldn’t. Still sad.
You are not alone.
We have been where you are and felt as you do, details differ but the pain is the same.
As Whiff said do pop over to the thread for support and friendship, is a welcoming group.
Take care 🌺🙏🏾
Milquetoast123 I have blocked any PMs from you and reported your PM to me too GNHQ.
They have the whole message you sent me .
You do not know me what gets you the right to judge me. And no doubt you will report this post and get it deleted. But I hope just one person's sees it before you do.
That poster has been removed Whiff; I reported two posts on another thread, the first of which was very unpleasant and rather disturbing.
Hope you're OK 
x
Smiles
Lily from GNHQ let me know the troll had been banned and posts removed .
I'm fine . Just 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬
As long as you're OK 
Thanks to all those posting positive messages here. It is a shock to see how many ordinary parents have been impacted in this way. I fear for the AECs .
The ones who make such awful posts here are a worry Potteringabout; it would seem that estrangement for them wasn't the answer.
We do see EAC posting who like so many EP's here, have put their lives back together and found the peace and happiness they maybe never thought possible.
Perhaps you might like an idea that I use. My granny was a wonderful person and was the only person that I felt loved unconditionally by. She used to say to me , dont put flowers on my grave, give them to someone who can enjoy them. So I choose to buy a few flowers or a flower in a pot, and on her birthday and on the anniversary of her death, I give them to someone who I think will enjoy the little surprise, so it could be a neighbour, or someone I know is hard up or whatever. They are usually enjoyed and the surprise element is very worthwhile. To the person, I just say "Thought you might enjoy these, " or "I know things are difficult at the moment and was thinking of you" I never say why I am doing it , but when they are pleased with the little gift in my mind I always say "that was for you granny" Perhaps this might be something you could do which will not cause any further rift from your daughter, you will know why you are doing it , and maybe , with a bit of luck ,in the future , if things improve with your daughter , you can tell her how you never forgot about her.
Do you know that story about Jesus . The traveller having a very bad time in life,struggling with many things , looked back at the single trackmarks. They asked Jesus why he had not walked beside them. Christ said , there is only one trackmark because I was carrying you. So I wish you as happy a christmas as you can have, maybe try giving some flowers or give a donation perhaps to Mind, that you know is your way of showing your love for her indirectly. Could you also pick a christmas card and in it write what you would have liked to say or send her. Put it aside and add birthday and christmas cards until the happy day when you can maybe meet together. Then you can show her the cards, not for themselves or a guilt trip , but to show that you too were carrying her in your thoughts and mind. We are here for each other and I am sure there will be many posts about all sorts of good and bad situations which gransnetters will have helpful ideas and comments to make. I shall be alone here over christmas and know that if I want to I will be able to come on here and have friends to talk to. As I only got back in my flat yesterday, I am happy to sleep in my own bed, and sit listening to J S Bach, in peace and quiet Dont let the adverts persuade you that everyone else is in a large happy family and you are unusual. Truth does not sell lots of things, so dont let the "happy family" pictures kid you. There will be many people begrudging having to go on long journeys to spend time with people they many not want to be with for long and eating things that they are not keen on. It is a good job that we do not have a bubble above our heads , where the truthful comment is shown rather than the polite , lovely to be here etc!! I always go out in the garden on christmas day and on new years day. I have a bag for the weeds and the secateurs to hand. The more stressed the group is inside, the harder I snip things, and must admit that, though I am just cutting a broken branch, in my head that is the brother in law from hell, and I have just snipped his head off!!
That's a really lovely post madeleine
When I see the posts from the now banned people, I wonder whether they could be from my ED. As a follow up to the nothing will change message , she sent a few extremely nasty and in my view, disturbed messages, reminding me of some of those on here. How she could do that after receiving a best wishes for the future message from me is impossible to understand. What I want to do is write back and say it was completely inappropriate and cruel. But I won’t .
Potteringabout if you can let it go . I got trolled by my daughter in law in June 2020 on a different forum . Only by clicking on a link she put I found out it was her as it went to her Reddit thread and her vile posts about me . The love I had for her died what she wrote about my husband. A man she never knew who died in agony from cancer. But I don't hate her or my son. I don't feel anything about her . Still love my son and 3 grandson's but he made his choice . So I had to let go of any hope of seeing or speaking to him last year and been happier since.
GN banned her and asked if I wanted to change my username but refused . It's what my husband called me . I never made it a secret to my family I was on GN and they guessed what my username was.
Today just enjoy it being Christmas indulge in plenty of food and drink and being with any family you are with or friends or both. 🎄⛄🥂
O Whiff so sad that happened to you . But glad that you have managed to live with this. Yes letting it go is what I should do…but of course there are consequences. Happy Xmas
I sound donare in her name and send acknowledgement to her. You are better off as you are now.
Potteringabout it's us who live with the consequences not our estranged children. They don't care .
As well as deleting posts can GN please delete these horrible disruptive mean posters the subject is sad enough without these vile posts and posters
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