Another perspective on estrangement

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Thanks for the praise DroppingIn - glad you’re in agreement!

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Interesting Luminance.

I’ve found that anyone using the word ‘typically’ in connection with estrangement clearly hasn’t a clue on the nuances of behaviours leading to it.

Well spotted DroppingIn, how clever of you to acknowledge what we all know to be true!

Sometimes things can’t be fixed, no drama and false hopes as the gulf too wide. It takes time but you get there.

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I would offer my opinion on family estrangement. When family relationships dissolve into arguments they enter a debate phase. In any given debate, participants are stating their truth. If we look at any debate logically we are given to understand that truth exists on both sides and emotionally healthy people are able to see the truth in each others words and feelings and come back together again at some point in the middle with both admitting their inadequacies and moving forward together. Estrangement it seems to me happens when one party has confused "truth" for being "right". This attached their opinion to their ego and their pride will not allow a moments reflection. Typically it seems to me that when I meet a person who confuses "truth" with being "right" and their pride will not allow any opinion that is not their own to go unchallenged, they often have estranged or failed relationships. Typically those I meet who have walked away from failing relationships in the form of estrangement are those who wanted to find the truth wherever it was in the middle and realised that was impossible due to the other persons misplaced pride and overbearing ego.

As Smileless says GilmoreGirl64, we don't have the right to judge, just support and try to understand, every estrangement differs from both perspectives.

There's no way of knowing the cause of most estrangements, we can only know have an insight into our own and of those that others share.

but who am I to judge right? you don't have the right to judge GilmoreGirl, no one does which is why generalisations aren't helpful and lend nothing to the discussion,

I am too Bridie providing it isn't offensive and spiteful.

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I imagine it doesn't just depend on the circumstances but also on the personal feelings involved. For instance, one EP might welcome that support from their EAC and the other EP might consider it insulting. In some ways it might be difficult to know how you would even feel yourself until it happens.

taking a step back because you believe it's for the best doesn't necessarily mean there is no love there anymore absolutely ShropshireGal and it also matters how that's done.

Being an EP I may be wrong here, but I wonder if it's easier for the one who estranged to be there for that person if there's the loss of a loved one or serious illness, than it would be for the one whose been estranged.

Being told your are no longer a part of their lives and are to stay away for me anyway, would make reaching out in those circumstances virtually impossible.

It must be extremely difficult for all concerned if an EP dies. What does the EAC do then and how would the surviving EP and perhaps wider family feel if they were to get in touch? I can understand for the EAC that they could feel 'damned if they do and damned if they don't.

When thinking about and discussing estrangement there are many variables to consider, it's not always just as simple as a decision taken to walk away and sever all contact.

As an estranged parent I am open to any form of communication that explains why we are at this point in our lives, the whys and how,and can it be resolved or not?

In my case, and I'm sure in many others, it is not that I don't care for the people I have had to estrange, only that the issues we had could not be resolved while they refused to acknowledge them and denied certain events had even happened, and new issues kept arising because of this inability to discuss things openly. So while it was becoming toxic for everyone involved to keep going round in this circle, and I believe it's healthier this way, it does not mean that I wish anything bad upon them, nor that I wouldn't be very upset if something happened to them. I suppose it's inevitable that without any evidence to the contrary, EPs could come to believe that their EAC feel nothing but contempt towards them (in some cases that will be true) but taking a step back because you believe it's for the best doesn't necessarily mean there is no love there anymore.
I would offer support to them if I were made aware that anything significant happened to them e.g. loss of a loved one or serious illness. What are other EP and EACs thoughts on this?

I believe if you can, always keep the door open. When that door slams shut its too late.

Your second post has reminded me about your family situation that you posted about recently BlessedArt.

As Babs has posted, you're doing the right thing by keeping the door open. There are some things that cannot be explained and when it comes to your sister, no explanations are needed.

There is a blood tie there and sometimes but not always, that tie can weather the strongest and most destructive of storms.

I hope that you and yours will be able to find your piece of happiness this Christmas, and that you sister can find hers too, with you .

@BlessedArt am sure your sister is doing more than just testing the waters, she probs really needs you right now, with all the trouble she is encountering with her son and family she must be feeling pretty low and vulnerable, even though am sure she can put on a front.
You are doing the right thing by keeping the door open.
Am hoping if things don’t work out at Xmas that they become resolved in the New Year.
All the best 🌺🙏🏾

Smileless2012

I hope that you manage to avoid permanent estrangement BlessedArt. As long as there's communication and a willingness from 'both sides' to find a resolution, estrangement can be avoided.

I sincerely hope that this will be the case for you.

Thank you for these kind words, Smileless.

In truth, I am more worried about my sister’s relationship with her son and family. It’s odd but I feel like no matter how angry she is with me, she won’t permanently cut herself off from contact. I can’t explain. It may be a “big sister” thing. She’s made sporadic contact with me about very random, mundane things. I think she is trying to test the waters to make sure I haven’t gotten too fed up with her shenanigans, but still keeping her heels dug in.

She is right. I am upset with her but she is my sister. That door will pretty much always be open, even if she stands us all up for Christmas.

Oh well! We are all just living life one day at a time. I hope everyone can find their piece of happiness this holiday season.

Well Inoalot, I’m mostly a reader of these threads rather than a poster (the descriptor ‘lurker’ told me a lot) and I’d be interested in examples of supporters of EAC being nastily attacked as I can’t recall any.

Those who post with the intention of rubbishing a whole contingent of EPs or EACs are spotted a mile off…the negativity of their one sided posts shines through if you get my drift!

Still, the support for all sufferers of estrangement overcomes eventually thankfully.

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I hope that you manage to avoid permanent estrangement BlessedArt. As long as there's communication and a willingness from 'both sides' to find a resolution, estrangement can be avoided.

I sincerely hope that this will be the case for you.