Support and friendship for those whose lives have been affected by estrangement.

They swallowed whatever our EAC told them it's mind boggling isn't it Babs, even after all this time to know that people who must have known the truth, fell for the lies.

Poor Gene and his wife. Am surprised there were not caters helping with gene on a daily basis. Advanced Alzheimer’s can be very difficult for a wife alone to deal with, and even though he looked frail at the end, sadly physical attacks and abusive behaviour is not uncommon. My friends father recently died after suffering advanced Alzheimer’s, also frail and in his nineties, but he attacked care workers causing bruises.
The family don’t seem to have stepped up with regard to this and certainly didn’t check in on their dad, and family of the wife were similarly lax.
Truly tragic.

Yoginimeisje

I might use that quote for my Life lesson Whiff, do you know who it's from?

I agree is a great saying, might pinch it, whoops, sorry Whiff 😜
@Smiles your new place sounds like my kind of place, love the countryside and can’t wait to be in our new place, am equally looking forward to more wildlife.
And I know what you mean about being snubbed, that’s why we are estranged from many on my side of the family. They swallowed whatever we our EAC told them, seems they have since thought better of it but for all the years I spent in turmoil, not knowing which way was up, I can neither forget or forgive. I needed a shoulder back then not a knife in the back.
🌺

https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/202503/medium-bryrd-img-9104.jpeg https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/202503/medium-e4xguw-img-9103.jpeg

Out for a walk might bump into you Yogi, such a heavenly day.
Will catch up with pals later 🌺🙏🏾

Morning everyone, hope you're all managing to enjoy this lovely spring weather.

We found it odd when we first knew our ES was sharing happy memories with his brother Spring, but then we realised that if proof were needed that we were not the reason for him doing what he did, that this was it.

It's strange what does trigger us. We've both been triggered by some responses to that awful press conference between VZ and Trump!!! How can anyone having watched it, not see how appallingly VZ was treated, that the entire debacle was set up and what a pair of bullies Trump and Vance are .

How could friends of ES, who knew him and us throughout his childhood and spent time with us as a family, have believed whatever crap he came out with to justify our estrangement?

They obviously did because if we saw them they would snub us but in some cases, years later when we've just happened to run into them they've smiled, said hello and asked how we are .

I did say at the time to Mr. S. that maybe when they had children of their own, and witnessed how much their children meant to their own parents, that maybe the time would come when they understood what an awful thing it was to deny us our GC. Perhaps I was right.

Those who say that parents get the children they deserve have never experienced estrangement or had a child whose ended up with an addiction Allsorts, and those parents who despite neglecting and/or abusing their children retain them in their lives cannot possibly be seen as 'deserving'.

I remember feeling guilty the first time when asked, I said we had one son and no GC Yogin. The response came without any prior thought of what I would say if asked.

You'd think that with estimations that 1 in 5 families have estrangement from an AC or another family member, that the 'go too' response of blaming parents would diminish Babs, but you only have to see some of the responses here on GN to know that for some, blaming parents isn't going to go away any time soon.

Oh Whiff, I'd loved to have seen the look on their faces when you announced to all and sundry who could hear, that their D was having a relationship with a 19 year old!!! That's just the sort of thing I'd have done .

It's very upsetting to learn about Gene and his wife. That poor man, so confused that he didn't realise his wife was dead and that that poor dog would have been desperately trying to get him to let him out.

As everyone of us here on this thread can attest too, family is the source of our deepest wounds.

People say all sorts of things to cover the embarrassment of estrangement they do Bridie and say all sorts of things to stick the knife in too.

It's been so lovely here this week, and seeing rabbits running around to the side of us and in front when we're walking the dogs is a real joy.

Just minutes in the car from our lodge without leaving the site, we see hares and deer in the fields while dog walking and
Mr. S's bird feeders have attracted a wide range of wildlife. He's easing back now as they can find their own food and although still feeding the ducks which we'll do until the end of the month, their numbers have dwindled as they've moved on.

Our duck record is 72!!! and seeing 72 ducks tucking into their breakfast literally just outside your living room is a site to behold .

DS was 43 yesterday, how did that happen. I was 21 when he was born so no wonder it seems like a life time ago.

I might use that quote for my Life lesson Whiff, do you know who it's from?

Whiff that's awful about Gene Hackman & his wife, must have been a terrible find! That quote rings true for most of us here .

Tried to get on here yesterday, but fault with GN.

Out tonight, got caught again into agreeing; quiz night & then dancing [?]. I'll make myself quicker next time to say no. I'm so busy during the week, with 3 nights out teaching my yoga, Friday having my DD&GD for dinner and Sunday morning teaching, back to change and then take Joey for walkies, lunch and then cooking Sunday dinner and clearing all that up. So, I love Saturdays with nothing planned.

I always remember my dad saying you have to push yourself out, [when you're older] or you'll never go They were a very social couple, up their club weekends and a bit midweek, always out.

QuoteAllsorts Thu 06-Mar-25 08:04:30; Lovely post xx

Well write more later. Heard the findings about Gene Hackman and his wife . What puzzles me is didn't they have a housekeeper,cleaners or gardener. And not one of his children or grandchildren bothered to check up on them . It's so sad it says his wife died a week before he did . With advanced Alzheimer's he wouldn't have known she was dead .
With all his millions no one gave a dam about them .

Read this yesterday
Family is supposed to be your safe haven ,but sometimes, it's the source of your deepest wounds.

Think that applies to all here .

Good evening all,

Great weather again today, really feels like spring, did lots of gardening and spring cleaning in the house, beds stripped, washing done, all dried on the line. Hope this continues.
Went for a long walk, felt really warm in the sunshine, might have to fish out my padded jacket rather than keep wearing my winter coat.
No news is good news as far as the move is concerned, lots of emails from solictors about documents being dealt with, have to book a survey soon.
Hope everyone has been enjoying the weather.
@Allsorts, I once fell out with my old mum for almost a week after she said something or other I didn't care for. But couldn't stand it and had to make it up, saying sorry though am not sure it was really my fault, my old mum could be a tad waspish on occasion, however, she was my mum and I loved her and she loved me, to be honest I probably annoyed the hell out of her on occasion as well.

We all have faults and do or say something that can be misconstrued because we are none of us perfect. That includes adult children. We love people despite of imperfection at times because of, we support each other with the struggles, celebrate the good times, family first. Then comes a day when
an AC cuts you off, knowing how much pain it will cause, that grandchildren will miss us, we miss them. Over day that childhood has gone, maybe then these AC will experience children leaving home and feel a little if what we felt and think was it worth it. You can't go back and make it right.
We have made lives different to what we expected, it takes time but we are stronger because of it. We didn't inflict pain on our parents if at times we felt a bit out with them we would
carry on as we loved them and really it didn't matter.

Correction - we stick with Mr B’s mother despite probs having more than enough ground to be estranged from her by today’s standards.

Am afraid sticking with family and working at it or simply tolerating other family members is no longer the MO.
We stuck with Mr B’s mother desire probs having more than enough grounds to be estranged from her by today’s standards.
But our ACs have lovely memories of their time with her, to them she was a much loved granny. Too many ACs don’t stop to consider how they are robbing their children of a loving relationship with their grandparents, is selfish and just plain wrong. If they can’t stand their parents at least they should step aside and let their children have a relationship with their grandparents. Is such an important relationship. And sadly children who loved seeing their grandparents have no say in continuing that relationship. Their rights are completely ignored by their parents.

Sorry Smiles I didn't say anything about your encounter you handled it brilliantly . It's not the same thing but when my brother's second marriage finally ended after years of off and on due to my ex sister in law deciding she did want to be married then she didn't.

I was in Wilkinsons where I used to live and their marriage was over and my brother and his 2 eldest children lived with him but his youngest daughter was with her mother as she was only 8. Her parents in a loud voice blamed my brother for the marriage break up I in a equally loud voice informed them that their daughter who was in her 40' s was having sex with a 19 year old . But didn't put it so politely. They both stood their with their mouths open . And I walked off.

The marriages had lasted 22 years but 3 times during that time my ex sister in law had spilt the family up. First time my nephew was one .

And yet as horrible as their mom is not one of them has turned their back on their mom . And boy has she done terrible things to them not physically but mentally. Never liked her and my husband couldn't stand the sight of her but she was always treated kindly as she was family .

@Whiff, I bet your calendar is pretty full, reading what you are getting up to made me want to fall asleep in front of the telly. 🤣
And ‘yes’ well done Smiles for navigating
that awkward conversation. 👏🏽👏🏽
Love to all 🌺🙏🏾

Yoginimeisje

I was on the beach yesterday morning Babs, it was wonderful.

We were just there, loads of people out in the sunshine, it is adorable, bet your Joey loved it.

Bridie22

How can that be Allsorts, apart from my EC, my other child is loving and caring?
People say all sorts to cover the embarrassment of estrangement.

It is nonsense Bridie.
But have learned that people say the most stupid things with regard to estrangement.

@Allsorts think it is getting much harder to judge parents when it is estimated one in 5 families are estranged from an AC or other family member and I imagine that figure is increasing. We can’t keep blaming so many parents when the laws of mathematical probability proves that not all of those parents can be to blame. I think would be more productive to wonder why so many ACs kick their parents under the bus, and a quick look at any agony aunt column or conversations on social media about estrangement do shed a light on this. It seems that the current advice is to cut off from those you don’t want to bother with anymore, to only consider yourself and your life, and that to do this is a positive and so worthy of praise.
Am pretty sure that less reputable therapists advise the same.
Working at relationships is no longer fashionable.

How can that be Allsorts, apart from my EC, my other child is loving and caring?
People say all sorts to cover the embarrassment of estrangement.

Had a Whiff moment where my post suddenly disappeared .

Sounds like you had a lovely day out yesterday Whiff and your holibobs all booked up for May, well done you.

Smiles well done on your difficult chat with your est.S inlaw. Yes, it isn't how it was at the beginning, where you would dread the conversation veering onto the estrangement. A few weeks back someone asked how many GC I had and I found myself saying 2! I was suprised at myself as I would always say 4 and move swiftly onto a new conversation Phone ringing ....

I was on the beach yesterday morning Babs, it was wonderful.

Spring if people asked me how many children I have I say 2 and 5 grandson's. If they ask do I see them I explain about my son and estrangement and I am surprised the amount of people who have said its happened to them they are estranged from their child or children or other family members . They thought it was just them but I tell them it happens a lot . And many times it happens when their child meets their partner . Or when families take the sides in a disagreement between other family members.

I didn't decide one day I no longer wanted anything to do with my son and family . He did that . He made that decision and was to much of a coward to face me and tell me . Yes I would have been upset but to do it via email and follow up letter is cruel. He wasn't brought up to be like that . But I know if he had to face me he couldn't have done it . The cruellest part of all was 4 days before had a wonderful time with him on my birthday he even talked about putting paving down to make my garden safer for me . Knowing all the time what he was going to do. But I know my daughter in law helped word the email. As the grammar and punctuation wasn't my son . But the letter was definitely him . But it was very short bad spelling and lack of punctuation that was him .

I said before he is a stranger now to me but I am not the mom he knew so I am a stranger to him . To many things have happened in my life since May 2020 . I have changed a lot having more health problems but I am stronger in my mind and even though my body lets me down I work hard at making it as strong as I can be. And doing things I never thought I would .

My daughter laughs that we have to sort out calendars out as my weeks fill up as does hers with the boys activities and any birthday parties plus her working .
Yesterday I had a blood test ,got my train tickets for my May holiday,went on the train to a village I hadn't visited before had lunch in the cycle cafe and yes it was full of men in lycra and a few women . Then I went shopping in the village/ small town where I live and had taxi home .
Today move it or lose it . Window cleaner coming . Tomorrow hair cut . Saturday CT scan on my neck and Sunday 2 friends coming for lunch . Then the following week 4 days already booked .

No wonder I fall asleep watching the TV at night 😂😂😂

Just read on another Forum, someone saying parents get the children they deserve. I think a lot of people believe that, that's why initially we feel judged. I replied if that were the case why do the children of neglectful and selfish parents turn out in most cases to be close to AC. I have seen many examples of that.

Trust would be hard to recover, but am intrigued our EC even engaged with sharing happy times. Maybe I’m overthinking it but it is a change from all they’ve said before. But agree with what’s been said - our peace and acceptance of what is has been so hard to achieve. It must have been interesting to hear news of your EC’s family Smiles but again a tribute to the hard work you’ve done that this was no longer triggering. Know exactly what you meant when you mentioned having previously had ‘that sickening feeling of dread’ when meeting someone from the past. Am sure many of us on here do. Navigating conversations is part and parcel of being estranged…the gift that keeps on giving! I know I’m pretty vigilant on who I choose to confide in…and tbh it’s not that many.

@Whiff & Smiles, yes I agree that once love and trust is shattered irreparably is difficult if not impossible to find a way forwards.
For us too much is at stake if anything changes, mainly our well-being, but for others I can’t speak. Fact is we don’t sit and long for our daughter to reconcile with us, we might dream of an idealistic reconciliation, or the kind of reconciliation that could have happened with the daughter she was long before the first estrangement.
But seeing as she tells people we are dead and hurled such unspeakable abuse at us I cannot even imagine ever seeing her again and not being broken in two once more.
And cannot forgive or forget members of my family who took her side, despite their change of heart more recently, they watched me fall apart and stuck the boot in and said sone pretty awful things to my DH and other three daughters.
But I know that for some there may be hope of a reconciliation 🌺
Anyway sounds like you are back to your busy bee self. Your holiday might sound a long way off in May but I find time is hurtling along already, so will soon be here.
@Yogi, yes beautiful day here, already been for a long walk along the seafront. Meeting up with a friend later whose father just died, was in his nineties and had dementia for years, so is relief there, but she is still feeling bereft. Mother is still alive and in pretty good health for her age, refusing to budge from a house too big for her that is falling apart around her. A difficult situation.
Take care all 🌺🙏🏾