Estranged from Adult Children

You talk of financial support but what about emotional support and love?

Raising awareness about parental and grandparent alienation.

chng.it/9f2hZKj24Q

Mj 😊

Jimmypickleball

I haven't been on this forum in awhile. I have two estranged adult children. In their 30's. I have been divorced since they were 6&7.
I had a major life challenge of being injured at work while working for UPS. It caused me to have to resign after 17 years of service. I was out on workmans comp for 2 years before I resigned. I was able to be Mr. Mom for those 2 years. It was the best time of my life.
Once I resigned and started Nursing School my wife decided she wanted a divorce. Great timing. I went from making good money to almost making no money and living in an apartment.
Long story short, I was able to complete Nursing School and move on with my life. During the hard times of paying rent and tuition I didn't have much money to do anything with my children. I did what I could.
Later when they went off to college I sent money when I could.
I was able to buy both children a used car while they were in high school. I was not a dead beat dad.
I couldn't finance all the activities their Mom could because I wasn't making 6 figures like she was.
She claims she didn't turn the kids against me, but from how I have been treated over the years it is hard to believe she hasn't in some way.
So here I am, 10 years or so later. Son is married I have a granddaughter I was able to see once when she was one. They live out of state. Last summer I ask if I could come by and visit because I was coming through their state. I was told " it is not a good time" don't know what that means?
My Daughter has met a very nice young man and work is they may be getting married soon. She recently graduated from College and is working. She has not contacted me since her graduation. She did not tell me she graduated or that she is working. I had to hear it from her Mother.
I appreciate if someone reads this and can share some insight as to why this could be happening.
I currently have a therapist and I have read several books on estrangement.
For now I am trying to accept that they are at the point in their lives that they feel they can't do everything themselves and there is not need for their parents.
I would never pry into their business. I would just like a text or call from them once in awhile.
I had open heart surgery last year and never heard from my Son. My Daughter came and saw me. That is the last time I have heard from her.
Thanks for reading this.

This post just made me cry. Now I am angry. Your children are heartless and it's not your fault. No doubt they are the ones who make it "about them"...especially the one that told you that you make things about yourself. Because I have read that phrase is most typically used by narcissist personalities as a way to dismiss the other person's feelings.
They don't care. They are the only thing that is important, their needs, not yours, yours do not matter, your opinons or advice doesn't matter, that's why they tell you that you make it all about you, so they can reject and dismiss what you say because they do not want to put in the effort to listen to you, at all.

It's demeaning, cruel and self centered. I've noticed they seem to blame whichever parent is the one who seems "weakest" so to speak, when something goes wrong like divorce, in your case your wife made the decision, split the family. She wasn't happy for whatever reason, boredom or whatever, and your'e blamed for that? Your kids probably think you could have done "something" about it, but I have seen when people get bored with marriage or find another, there is literally nothing that can be done.

She no doubt is also a narcissist and children naturally look towards the dominant one in the family and follow suit on the narcissism. I bet they treat her differently than you, even though she's the one to split the family, they look at you as the cause....not her, the dominant money maker who put herself first as a priority over her family.

That's a shame, since it sounds like you were a good parent. My heart breaks for you, I know how it feels to love children so much then have them not give a hoot about that, even claim you don't because you don't live up to their expectations.

I am sorry you are going through this. Your son said you make everything about yourself, have you perhaps relied rather too much in your children for emotional support? I think keepingquiet has given you some wonderful advice. Time is what matters, not money. I do believe we are there to emotionally support our children and should have our own adult support system for ourselves. That doesn't mean not telling them what is going on in our lives, just not leaning on them too hard. It's easy to do and difficult to undo. Do please keep trying to have a relationship with them but perhaps in a different way.

It's been said that children never want their parents to find new partners. While they are single, there is always the possibility that they could get back together,
however unrealistic it sounds. So even if your current partner is the nicest person ever, she's not their mum.

And your partner has an excellent relationship with her own DC. How dare she! 😅

Try to avoid comparisons, try not to talk about yourself, keep up to date with everything in their lives, without being obsessive. Invite them out and don't be hurt if they refuse.

It's hard. Don't expect striving to be a good parent is easy.

Some phrases you use stand out to me. Some of them are to do with money- for me this signals that you feel bad about not being able to provide, and at other times you say you bought them both a used car- but also mention your ex was earning a lot of money.

As a parent and grandparent I would offer relationships are not about money, but time. Maybe your children feel you didn't give your time and yourself enough.

It is a sad thing to realise we may have got our priorities wrong. Maybe you could write a letter to them?

I don't know the answer to this but I don't think you will find it in books or in counselling (just my expereince) the answers are found in seeking open and honest relationships.

Maybe you should about think the successful relationships in your life and what makes them work.

It's sounds like they're just not that interested in you. Sad to say it though. They're at a busy time in their lives and even if you had a great relationship with them they might not have as much time for you as you would want. Focus on making new friends and relationships with others while indicating to your children that you are around and available should they need you.

To not know why is in some ways the hardest thing to come to terms with FGT's .

I wonder if there could be a degree of jealousy from your adult children about your partner’s? Or maybe they don’t like you being with her? Or maybe they just don’t like you split up from their mum and resent you for doing so? (Mind you I’m guessing - your wife might have left you of course, we don’t know and none of our business).

I think it’s such a shame that reasons for estrangement are pretty much always shrouded in mystery.

I don’t get why so many who decide on ‘no contact’ leave without saying why! It’s awful what the protagonists leave in their flouncing off. No clues. No ‘well you did that’. So a guessing game for parents, chewing over what might have been the reason but never, deep down, knowing for sure.

but every now and then something will kick it back at me this is something that all estranged parents experience Jimmy, it's the legacy of estrangement that we have to live with and accept that there's nothing we can do about it; just like the estrangement itself.

Take comfort if you can in the fact that you love your children and did your best. You weren't a 'perfect parent' because no one ever is.

"During the hard times of paying rent and tuition I didn't have much money to do anything with my children. I did what I could."

Did you pay your child support?

Whatever your difficulties Jimmy it doesn’t sound as if you are an uncaring person and I am sorry you are neglected by your two grown children. No doubt you did your best but you cannot change people. If they don’t care look elsewhere for support..
It is not possible to be perfect and we all do the best we can.

Thanks for your input. The thing is there has not been any relationship strains or power struggles. My Son has said that everything is all about me. I don't consciously make it about me. I may have given some examples of some of the struggles I have endured trying to help him avoid them. I do not push my opinion on him. I have tried to be encouraging in everything he does. I even gave him a large sum of money to try and start a business and nothing has come to pass.
This is what is hard to understand. I have not been a bad father. No fighting, no drunken rampages, I have always told them I am there for them. This is what is difficult because then they would have a reason if I had been.
I did not have the best relationship with my Father. He literally beat the crap out of me one time. To the point of people saying do you want us to call the police. I did not. I didn't hold that against him. Still let him come visit and see my children when they were babies. If anyone I would have had a reason not to have contact with him.
Today is a different generation. I try to just accept it and let it go but when people talked about their children and how they have such a great relationship with them and they visit and do things together. It tears me up and brings it all back.
It is really difficult the fact that my girlfriend has a great relationship with her adult children who are the same age as mine. They call and stop by go to dinner everything you would want to do with your adult children.
I try very hard to let this estrangement go, but every now and them something will kick it back at me. For instance I was looking on my daughters facebook site for her address and I came across the family section, she had listed her mother, brother and boyfriend but not me. These things hurt.
Thanks again for your reply.

You didn't mention any kind of strain in the relationship or fall out, so I suspect they feel indifferent to maintaining the relationship. If there were arguments or power struggles of some kind you should look to that. Thinking about how your most recent interactions have gone with each of them, I wonder if there is some clue.

Only going by the details you've provided here, I would guess the issue is just a lack of emotional closeness. People get busy with their own lives and if you don't have a close relationship with your kids I can see how the effort would not be there on their end.

Attitudes about what adults do and do not owe to their parents are shifting. Obviously there are different opinions on whether that's a good thing or not.

If there was some argument or rift to mend I would suggest starting there. It's great that you are in therapy. If this isn't the case, you may just have to accept that this is how it is. People make their own decisions about who to include in their lives. You can't force them to feel differently so it's healthier to learn to accept it.