Shock of Estrangement! I never thought this would happen to us.

Oh dear.
Breastfeeding a child for one year is not unhealthy; I fed mine until 10 months and only stopped because the teeth came through. He never had a pacifier or bottle; spat the teat out when I tried to give him.
But , in a private conversation:
I inquired to my son directly as why this now one year old GD had never had anything but breast milk and I asked my son if his partner could be suffering from postpartum depression. I did tell my son in a private conversation that I was worried and suggested that maybe she needed to talk to a professional to assess where she’s at.
And your son immediately repeated this to his partner, and you claim to be astonished at her reaction. It also appears you have discussed this with your other sons and partners None of my other adult children or their partners feel that I was over the top excited to be having 3 grandchildren at once or that I have been anything but helpful.
Has it occurred to you she may have been tactful in saying crochet garments (notorious for catching babies' fingers) were the wrong colour, and the gifts you bought were not to her taste. Did you ask her first?
As you claim to see very little of your granddaughter how could you possibly form a judgement on whether she is feeding well or not?
If I were you I would stop your cosy chats with your son, write a grovelling apology to his partner for even thinking she was in need of professional help, and in five years time she might possibly let you near her daughter.

She asked her son the question, but we don’t know what he said other than telling his mother that if he mentions it again she will leave… so to me that seems he has already mentioned it a few times. Things change and grandparents giving unasked for advice or making comments about what we did in our day is not always seen as helpful, but interfering. Be that daughter or daughter in law.

It’s highly unlikely that the child is getting fed with milk alone, but if she isn’t thriving or meeting developmental expectations medical advice should be sought. Preferably by the parents.

Pretty sure this child is not malnourished.

If we are talking about the OP not getting what she feels is enough time with her granddaughter while the child is allegedly being starved, well there is a much larger problem with this entire family. Somehow I doubt this is the case.

While I am not accusing the OP of this, some grans have form for being critical of breastfeeding because it is merely an inconvenience for them, and nothing to do with the health and well being of the child. I think we can all agree that between the parents and the paediatrician, they’re in a better position than we or the Op to know what’s best for this baby.

silverlining48

I think we can assume that breast milk is accompanied with food of some sort.

Can we? She said " I inquired to my son directly as why this now one year old GD had never had anything but breast milk. Hopefully that's not true. Doesn't sound healthy.

I think we can assume that breast milk is accompanied with food of some sort.

Can't imagine your pain ! On the positive front your son is still ' with ' you. Hang on to that ! It is a complex situation and I have no advise as don't know the full story. I will say that nothing but breast milk for 12 months sounds odd to me - but maybe I am out of touch with modern feeding ideas. My Children were eating everything by A year old !?? Good luck.

You have to learn very quickly not to comment on anything which may be seen as criticism of the way the parents manage @nd care for their child, importantly dont forget it’s not your child, but theirs.
Grandparents are relegated in the pecking order, so just be supportive of them all. Bite your lip, we all do that, and things will sort themselves out.

“You may end up being the saviour of it all”.

OP, there is nothing healthy about a saviour complex, so I advise against adopting this mentality. No one needs saving. Let these adults raise their child and get on with life. Focus on your life and your relationship with your son. The rest tends to come organically if you don’t force unwanted interference.

Oh god, yet another girl projecting her own mommy issues onto an innocent mom. Just be grateful she hasn't turned your son against you, which happens so many times in these cases when someone close to your child, who your child loves or looks up to, decides to malign you non stop until your child actually start to believe their horse poo which stems from their failed relationship with their own parent, usually because their own parent already got tired of their pettiness and won't give them attention anymore. Believe me, this type of person can ruin your reputation with your own child, but thankfully you've been especially cautious with your children as no doubt the family traumas from the past have taught you that.....so those in a way, although most likely horrible, had , in some way, good come out of it for bettering your relations with your kids. So sounds like you and your son are solid. So maybe try to concentrate on that, because that may end up being the savior of it all. You may soon be able once again to see your GD. Breastfeeding exclusively cannot go on forever; solid foods have a purpose in our diets so I'm guessing soon that will be happening and then that may free up time for you to at least visit with your GD and your son. I also feel sorry for your son, getting threatened like that by her over just letting a grandma visit with a grandchild. He's vunerable right now, being a new dad but she'd better watch those threats, someday he won't care and walk off. She'd a control freak. People like that just tick me off, it's selfish and it's abusive. You are a human being and have feelings.....grandchildren are precious and deserve your love. So many people do not get that idea and have so much hate inside, so much coldness. I hope it works out for you.....be patient. Again, you have your kids on your side and that means more than you know!

Smileless2012

Hello SilverLady and a very warm welcome to GN.

I'm sorry that you are in this situation and are unable to be the GM to your grand daughter that you are to your grand sons but as long as there is communication with your son, the possibility that with time you will be able to have a relationship with her remains.

It does look as if this is an issue with the child's mother and your son is in an unenviable situation having already been threatened with her leaving him and taking the child with her.

You ask if there are just some grandkids that the family dynamics prevent you from giving your whole self to, well when there is estrangement from an AC, where there is no contact with them at all, there is also no contact with GC either. Where there was a relationship, that has been broken and for some there never has been.

For me, the most important relationship here is with your son. The fact that he knows you are there for him and will give whatever support you can is invaluable and as hard as it is, that support includes as keepingquiet has said, leaving them be because there's nothing else you can do at the moment.

You say that you never thought this would happen to your family but none of us do. We've been estranged from our youngest son and only GC for more than 12 years now and still find it hard to believe.

Hold on to the fact that you are not estranged and that as long as your son wants and needs you in his life, you wont be .

Good post Smileless2012 and I agree - the most important relationship is with your son. Just focus on that for the time being & I’m sure the rest will come.

Take a step back

Given the information you've provided, I wonder if your enthusiasm looks like something else to DIL. If she has a controlling mother, your desire to be very involved could look different to her. Judging by some of the "accusations" like treating her like an incubator, that seems to be the case. Having a kid is a really huge trigger for people with childhood trauma and a controlling mother is traumatic.

Back off from GD and DIL and focus on your son. Be patient while DIL grapples with this. And absolutely do not talk poorly of DIL to anyone because that's a death sentence for your relationship with your son. Distant love and support is what is called for here. If you want to gove gifts, ask what they want or give money or gift cards.

Don't make your GD's existence about you right now. It doesn't matter if she's the only girl. She is at the beginning of her life and there will be many many years to bond.

I truly don't understand why anyone other than the parents would be concerns with bonding with a very young child. I see how it could sound controlling to someone with a mother like she has.

I am sorry you seem to be having a difficult navigating this relationship.

Honestly, this seems like your unmet expectations may be blowing much of this out of proportion. Firstly, there is no estrangement. Your son clearly is still close with you. That you don’t have the relationship you specifically desire with his partner and their child is not necessarily indicative of a general problem, but rather one where you may need to reset your expectations. The breastfeeding comment was absolutely out of order. The child has a paediatrician. If she/he is concerned about nutrition or weight gain, surely you don’t believe your son and his partner are such bad parents that they’d neglect their own child’s health and ignore it? So maybe your own ideas on child nutrition / breastfeeding may need some refreshers. It’s been a while since you’ve had your own baby so it’s important not to project your experiences/ideas onto the new mum. Your “advice” implies neglect. Hardly an endearing action.

Second, you keep mentioning her child being the only granddaughter. Why is this relevant? All the children are your grandchildren and the sex of one child doesn’t matter. They should all be treated equally by you. If I picked up on a hint that you expect a special relationship because of it, perhaps your son’s partner does as well. It may be subconscious on your part, but I’d stop mentioning it. Without realizing it, you’re placing this expectation upon the child that she didn’t ask for. If the mother said you are a danger to the child, I’m sure she was being over the top, but I myself got touchy when adults placed their emotional needs upon my children. She verbalized it poorly but I see where she is coming from. I do think she should be more kind and understanding that you just want to love your grandchildren, but she hasn’t stopped your son from having her spend time with you. To me it shows she knows you love her child, even if she herself doesn’t quite mesh with you.

Questioning the mental stability and health of young mums whenever they don’t do what grans want is always a hard red line you shouldn’t cross. She doesn’t seem mentally ill, she seems like a new mum with one controlling mother being wary of another gran who already has displayed interfering behaviour. Again, she may need to be more tactful but don’t put down her mental health simply because she isn’t behaving how you want her to. It seems like you seek validation from your sons to be able to dismiss her concerns and that’s wrong. Just because your sons don’t think you were out of line doesn’t mean you weren’t.

It’s clear you love your son and you love your grandchildren. The baby is a year old. There is plenty of time to bond. Let them find their footing as new parents. Keep your advice to yourself since it’s already been noted as unwanted. And most of all, do not attempt to get your son on side. Driving a wedge between the two parents by complaining to your son so that you may fulfill your own desires is harmful to the child you love. Everyone is just trying to navigate these new family dynamics. Remember that your relationship with each individual family is its own. Don’t compare. Don’t view anyone who isn’t living up to your expectations as problematic. Let things flourish organically. Trust between yourself and your son’s partner will likely grow if you relax a bit. You’re still getting to know each other. You can’t microwave these things. Your family will be okay! Just accept folks where they are.

I’m so sorry for your suffering! I appreciate everything you said. I will definitely try to stay focused on the fact that my son actually desires me to be in his life. I surely don’t want to make his life more complicated.
I have read so many of your posts on Gransnet and I can literally feel the heartbroken grief we all feel. My heart breaks for all of you.

Thank you, I appreciate your input.

Hello SilverLady and a very warm welcome to GN.

I'm sorry that you are in this situation and are unable to be the GM to your grand daughter that you are to your grand sons but as long as there is communication with your son, the possibility that with time you will be able to have a relationship with her remains.

It does look as if this is an issue with the child's mother and your son is in an unenviable situation having already been threatened with her leaving him and taking the child with her.

You ask if there are just some grandkids that the family dynamics prevent you from giving your whole self to, well when there is estrangement from an AC, where there is no contact with them at all, there is also no contact with GC either. Where there was a relationship, that has been broken and for some there never has been.

For me, the most important relationship here is with your son. The fact that he knows you are there for him and will give whatever support you can is invaluable and as hard as it is, that support includes as keepingquiet has said, leaving them be because there's nothing else you can do at the moment.

You say that you never thought this would happen to your family but none of us do. We've been estranged from our youngest son and only GC for more than 12 years now and still find it hard to believe.

Hold on to the fact that you are not estranged and that as long as your son wants and needs you in his life, you wont be .

I have been in a similar situation and it was by far the most heartbreaking experience of my life.

Now, looking back I can see that I made some misguided choices- they came from a place of innocence and naivety but were also rooted in selfishness.

I don't know where your journey is going to take you but all I can say is to put the needs of your GD first. She, for now, has two caring parents and even if you worry that her needs are not being met (as I did, and still do) you have to learn to step away and let the parents be parents.

Support your son but do not make his life more difficult than it already sounds. Leave the relationship to sort itself out. I know how very hard this is but you really have no other choice here.

You don't have to justify yourself and neither does your son or his partner- just leave be.

It is a hard lesson to learn but I learned it and now have a healthy relationship with my GD. I wish you all the best.