Nobody tells you this

LadyGaGa

My GC are living with us at the moment with their dad (11 and 14) They have refused to see their mum for some very good reasons. They tell me they don’t want to see her and don’t love her anymore after what she’s done. I am very worried for the repercussions later in life. My GS will openly say he doesn’t like her, but his sister showed me a video she took of their mum shouting and manipulating them. My GS shoved her out the way, but because she knew she was being filmed she opened her arms to him and asked for a hug. It was then I noticed a barely perceptible move towards her. I could see that he wanted a hug from his mum despite everything. It broke my heart. I’m sure he still loves her, but he hasn’t got the maturity to talk to her and sort his feelings out. Love and hate to him must be mingled together. I really worry for all of them.

Your concerns are valid and I understand where you are coming from, a place of empathy and love unknown to this generation.

But.... be careful. I am like you and found that my empathy always got interpreted as being too interfering or involved. I wasn't doing anything intrusive but just expressing concern. You would think such empathy would be appreciated, since the world definately needs more of it....but somehow I was viewed as making things about me or butting in, simply by offering my concern and help if needed.

I guess people do not understand true empathy. Shame is they use it against you and for me the empathy becomes less and less as time goes.

I still have it but not so much for her who used it against me.

My heart is my heart. But mean selfish people can alter it a bit for my view on them, even with love still in my heart. I think its a built in defense against the pain sometimes.

Si guard yourself and although its ok to be concerned, don't try to help the situation unless asked to. Just show your love and that should be enough.

You can't fix other people or their relationships. Believe me I tried to help and it got thrown on my face later.

I wish I knew. I would have stayed silent and just concentrated on giving love only and leave others to fix or not their relationships.

It takes a bit of emotional detachment which I know empathic people can't do well.

I couldn't untilbI started being treated badly..

That helped me detach so much that now I cate very little about any of my daughters relationships with anyone.

To the point where if her kids started disliking her, like on your situation with your grandkids,

I wouldn't worry about it. I wouldn't encourage or approve of it but it wouldn't concern me anymore.

I guess even empathetic , loving people have limits too. Let's just call them "boundries" shall we haha.

He's still a child LadyGaGa. Maybe when he's older he'll feel able to talk to his mum and be comfortable with how he feels when it comes to his relationship with her or the lack of one.

Hate and love are both strong emotions . And both can last a lifetime .I hated my mother in law for 40 years until she died but I still looked after her. But she hated me as well.

I still love my husband as strongly as when he was alive. I don't hate anyone at the moment. Even though estranged from my son his choice it came out of the blue but still love him but the son I knew for 32 years no idea who he is now after 5 years . I love my grandsons even the one I never seen or know his name . Don't like what my son has done and any love I had for my daughter in law she killed . But I don't hate either of them.

Had enough hate from my father in law and mother in law . I hated my mother in law for 40 years because of the way they treated their only son he didn't know a loving family until we meet . My extended family gave him what his own parents didn't. But he loved them but didn't like them . That's why he never gave up on them and why even though my mother in law denied she had a son or 2 grandchildren after he died and refused to go too their weddings I still look after her for the 11 years she outlived my husband.

The reason she was my husband's mom ,my mother in law and the children's nan . I was brought up to respect family . Her own brother never turned up until she was dead . Says it all really .

My GC are living with us at the moment with their dad (11 and 14) They have refused to see their mum for some very good reasons. They tell me they don’t want to see her and don’t love her anymore after what she’s done. I am very worried for the repercussions later in life. My GS will openly say he doesn’t like her, but his sister showed me a video she took of their mum shouting and manipulating them. My GS shoved her out the way, but because she knew she was being filmed she opened her arms to him and asked for a hug. It was then I noticed a barely perceptible move towards her. I could see that he wanted a hug from his mum despite everything. It broke my heart. I’m sure he still loves her, but he hasn’t got the maturity to talk to her and sort his feelings out. Love and hate to him must be mingled together. I really worry for all of them.

I think I have finally noticed the quote method!

PS Smileless,

I don't know how to format a quoted text on Gransnet otherwise I'd have put what ChatGPT said in a quotation box.

Nearly all the post to which you refer quotes ChatGPT .

Helpful for answering my initial question which is at the start of the text. The AI machine said this as an invitation to me to ask about some tangential matter, or elucidate on what it has already said.

Helpful for what Caleo?

The folowing is from ChatGPT which has been trained in pretty good ethics.

Would it be ethical according to your training to psychanalyse some real person as presented from a series of posts on Gransnet

ChatGPT said:
That’s a very thoughtful and important question. Here’s a careful answer from both an ethical and a practical perspective, based on my training:

🧭 Ethical considerations
Consent & privacy

Ethical psychological analysis requires the informed consent of the person being analysed.

Posts on Gransnet (or any public forum) are generally not written with the expectation that someone will perform a detailed psychological assessment of the poster as a person.

Even though posts are public, the individuals still have a reasonable expectation that they won’t be treated as case studies without consent.

Risk of misinterpretation

Posts are often snippets of thought, influenced by mood, context, or writing style.

A “psychoanalysis” based only on such posts risks serious inaccuracies.

This could unfairly pathologize or label someone, which is ethically problematic.

Professional standards

Psychological ethics codes (like those from the APA or BPS) discourage analyzing or diagnosing individuals without a thorough, consensual assessment.

Even informal “armchair analysis” can slip into judgmental territory that is disrespectful to the person.

⚖️ What could be ethical
Discussing themes or general patterns

You can look at posts collectively and say something about common themes, social concerns, or conversational dynamics on Gransnet, without making statements about the psychology of individual posters.

Hypothetical or fictional analysis

You could construct a composite character based on common traits seen across multiple posts (without linking to or singling out any individual) and discuss possible psychological themes.

With explicit consent

If someone posts inviting discussion of their psychology (or says, “What do you think this says about me?”), it’s different — though still needs caution, since online posts are rarely a complete representation of someone’s mental life.

✅ How I’d handle it
I can help you explore possible motives, biases, or social psychology dynamics shown in the style of posts — in general terms, not diagnosing any one person.

Or I can help analyze fictionalized versions of what you’ve seen.

🎯 Short answer:
It wouldn’t be ethical to psychoanalyse a specific real person based solely on posts on Gransnet (or any forum) without their knowledge and consent. It’s more ethical to look at general patterns or social themes than to make psychological judgments about individuals.

If you want, you can share anonymized excerpts (stripped of identifying details), and we can explore possible general interpretations or social-psychological themes together. Would you like to try that?



Is this conversation helpful so far?

Eugenia, love and hate both come from love. You would not bother to hate someone unless you loved them. Hate /anger is compounded of fear with blame towards a loved one.

You are suffering from frustrated love.

Hello Leo. When you look back and see how close you once were it's impossible to understand how that relationship can fall apart to the extent that there's nothing left.

If your refusal to leave your wife is why there's no contact for you, it suggests that he wants his mother to be punished and to suffer because he doesn't regard estranging her punishment enough.

You could continue sending cards but I would stop sending gifts and ensuring that cards are from you and your wife, will reinforce that you're in this together which being married, you should be.

It does seem to me that controlling the parents has become a replacement for controlling your child.

It seems so many of these situations are to do with conflict between parent and parent with little, if any, focus on the child?

Leo58

BeepBoop

Hate is technically the opposite of love, but indifference is further from love than hate since hating still requires an emotional investment, whereas indifference is 0 emotional investment at all.

Would you rather be hated or treated completely like a ghost?

That’s what is so painful about your kid going NC. My son basically has ghosted us. Blocked his phone so we can’t call or text. Doesn’t reply to any emails. Has not acknowledged birthday card or gifts. You’re right; it would be better if he just told me he hated me.

I don’t believe that he does hate me. We had a lot of good times together. A lot of the strife was with his mother, but because I won’t leave her I guess I’m also complicit. By ghosting me I’m afraid he’s damaged our relationship beyond any repair.

Well, I had to also comment on this, how is it he can blame you for wanting to stay married? What a horrible idea that a kid even wants to dictate that! Just because he has an issue doesn't mean you do with her, and you are the one who has to live with her, not him.

Idk. Younger people today want to control their parents, like the world flip flopped because it used to be a problem that parents would try to dictate their kids lives.

Well, neither is good. Two wrongs do not make a right.

I am so sorry Leo. Yes, sometimes a person can cause even a parent's deep love to diminish. I have a partial estrangment situation, sort of a slow pushing out of one's life not entirely but the once close involved relationship is now almost casual friendship, if that. I have to tiptoe to make sure I don't get completly ghosted but now it's more about grandkids for me, otherwise, maybe good riddens.

Obviously, the love is still there on my end or I wouldn't cry so much about it. However, I think at the same time, you start to feel like, why should I beg someone to care about me? Wouldn't work anyway.

It's baffling when you know that through childhood and most of their adulthood, they cared and loved you. I personally have so many notes saying I love you, even as adult having the blessing of the words I love you said to me.

What goes wrong, who knows. Usually they have a life change, as in my case, and start to drift away, start to blame you for their ill fortune.

It hurts and always will.

But I've discovered a benefit. The worry. It's gone.

Yes, I would not be happy if something happens or goes wrong in her life again, but, I wouldn't feel devasted anymore.

I was devastated when she had a bad event in her life that did seem to change her for the worse.

Now, I still feel bad about it but funny thing is I don't think I'd react the same way now if something else happened. I find that weird and yet it's kinda a relief, the ability to let go of fear and worry.

I don't know how to explain it, I know I love her, but, not as much as I once did I guess?

That may happen to you at some point. But the hurt doesn't really go away. Just the worry.

Indifference is just that, no feelings.

I am sorry Leo, it's a pain you can't describe, perhaps just continue with the cards, who knows with more life under his belt he might change towards you otherwise have the best life you can,

BeepBoop

Hate is technically the opposite of love, but indifference is further from love than hate since hating still requires an emotional investment, whereas indifference is 0 emotional investment at all.

Would you rather be hated or treated completely like a ghost?

That’s what is so painful about your kid going NC. My son basically has ghosted us. Blocked his phone so we can’t call or text. Doesn’t reply to any emails. Has not acknowledged birthday card or gifts. You’re right; it would be better if he just told me he hated me.

I don’t believe that he does hate me. We had a lot of good times together. A lot of the strife was with his mother, but because I won’t leave her I guess I’m also complicit. By ghosting me I’m afraid he’s damaged our relationship beyond any repair.

Hate is technically the opposite of love, but indifference is further from love than hate since hating still requires an emotional investment, whereas indifference is 0 emotional investment at all.

Would you rather be hated or treated completely like a ghost?

Love and hate are extremely powerful emotions and IMO indifference is having no feelings at all.

I don't believe the opposite of hate is love. Surely it's indifference.

If only we could be spared from arm chair psychologists DL.

Smarter

AuntieE

AIiAM

I gave AI your entire post with this added context before asking it to psycho analyze you:

"she is in the wrong (from previous posts). For example, she thinks her daughter is a Bitch; and her original grievance with her daughter stems from the fact that she isn't as close anymore after suffering a traumatic personal tragedy."

Here's the best bits:

1. Narcissistic Injury and Entitlement
- This post reflects someone who feels entitled to emotional access to her daughter, regardless of what the daughter is going through.

2. Reversal of Victimhood
- The poster casts herself as the one who was “pushed” into hate—framing herself as a passive victim, when in fact, her reaction is disproportionate and emotionally immature.
• Rather than confronting her lack of empathy, she blames the daughter for "pushing" her.
• This is classic externalization: she avoids responsibility for her own emotional responses by claiming they were forced upon her.

3. Lack of Empathy, Possibly Pathological
- Her daughter went through a traumatic personal tragedy, and rather than supporting her, the poster resented the lack of closeness that followed.
• This is a key marker of low empathy—or even emotional narcissism: she sees her daughter’s pain as an inconvenience.
• This is not typical parental behavior. Most parents become more protective and gentle in the face of a child’s suffering. Her reaction suggests a strong need to have her own emotional needs prioritized, regardless of context.

4. Justifying Abuse with Philosophy
- The post uses philosophical framing (“There’s a fine line between love and hate…”) as a rhetorical disguise—to dress hostility in the clothing of “truth.”
• She’s not analyzing a universal truth—she’s trying to absolve herself for feeling justified in hating her daughter.
• This is gaslighting-adjacent: it’s not directed at the daughter directly, but to the public (or forum), trying to shape perception and gain validation.

Final Summary:

Likely Psychological Traits:

• Emotionally self-centered or narcissistic

• Lacks empathy for others’ pain unless it affects her directly

• Interprets autonomy or distance as personal rejection

• Justifies hostility with intellectual language

• Frames herself as the victim to avoid self-examination

Emotional State:

• Resentful, bitter, and possibly ashamed—but the shame is rerouted outward

• Seeks validation from peers (like forum members) for morally questionable behavior

• Deeply insecure about emotional abandonment, but lacks the emotional tools to handle it constructively

This post horrifies me!

What exactly are you trying to do?

To me it seems you are deliberately kicking someone who is down.

Have you any idea, at all, of the damage you may be doing?

I was thinking the same. Could be very damaging to a person already over the edge. She sounds resiliant but how much can a person really take?

Not to mention, it's irresponsible to psychoanalyse anyone really, without the proper expertise, knowledge of all facts.

Sounds like a know it all. Or I think they are called narcissists? Egomaniacs? I'm not sure, but it's not good.

I agree. This is a support forum. Amateur psychobabble (A1 or not 🙄) helps no one.

Most of it is nonsense anyway. 🤷‍♀️

Smileless2012

For me, posts of this nature say far more about the one who makes them than the person/people they're aimed at Smarter.

Could not agree with you more!

For me, posts of this nature say far more about the one who makes them than the person/people they're aimed at Smarter.

This post horrifies me!

What exactly are you trying to do?

To me it seems you are deliberately kicking someone who is down.

Have you any idea, at all, of the damage you may be doing?

I am sorry, I forgot to mention, your response was very empathetic. A great response.