New to forum

Yes, I think so too.

Once again a new poster or let me say an old poster under a different name, has taken over this thread withe unpleasantness. She will go the way her other posts did eventually. I replied not realising at first which is just what they want. so no more input from me. I will look in a week and she should be gone, if not the week after.

Someone has taken one of BoopBeep’s comments from this thread to start a spinoff thread with it, entitled “Family versus individuality”. So a double dose for those interested in that particular topic.

Whatever. Your indignation means nothing to me.

There are real lives outside of those just posting here.

If I can save someone from dealing with further harassment by dissuading an estranged person from dysfunctional behavior, I'm going to do it.

Well done BoopBeep for monopolizing PinkPeony1’s thread.
You have purposely diverted attention from PinkPeony1’s opening thoughts towards your own situation. Not cool.

Instead of taking over another posters thread, start your own.

Welcome PinkPeony this Board gives wonderful support by pretty much all posters for those in your situation, I wish you well.

"While your relationship continues with your AC there's always the possibility that things will improve and I hope that this will be the case for you".

I like how the delicate wording subtly frames the familial strife as something out-of-their control.

Since it's easier to avoid accountability when the issue is seen as a random misfortune.

Your relationship with your child is completely out of your hands, so all you can realistically do is just hope for the best.

This way of thinking is definitely much easier (than admitting fault), but is it the right way of thinking?

Smileless2012 rather depends who they are written by. Now we're you to tell me a family therapist wrote an article about how to maintain healthy adult/child relationships, I might have a look. Were you to tell me a person emotionally embroiled in a painful estrangement or family issues wrote a book about how wonderful whoever it is was and how that generation is all whatever the generalisation might be, you would have to forgive a laugh. Perhaps a book or article about personal experience and personal growth after estrangement might be productive but as you and I both know, sweeping generalisations help no one here or anywhere else.

Articles and books that you can identify with can be helpful as you realise that you are not alone NanaMary and what you're experiencing has been experienced by others.

When there are problems or total estrangement it can be difficult to talk about it because, and this was the case for us, you feel embarrassed and ashamed and worry that if you do open up, you'll be judged.

While your relationship continues with your AC there's always the possibility that things will improve and I hope that this will be the case for you .

"In that case, who truly ended the relationship by making a choice?"

The child obviously, for laying out that boundary in the first place.

But in all seriousness. When reading anything, you should always view with a critical lens.

NYT is a part of a dying, legacy media. Thus, those that are left reading it tend to be much older. Therefore, they have a monetary incentive to publish articles that appeal to their bases biases.

I wouldn't treat their articles as gospel, especially on such a subjective topic.

Who is deciding what is unfair and what is not?

NanaMaryNH

The NYT today has a column on the tendency of today's young adults to blame their parents unfairly. I read it, sadly nodding. I am not truly estranged, but I certainly do not have the relationship I had hoped for. *I joined for the same reason. For support and fun. Haven't found much of either. But it's interesting. Welcome!

I would recommend leaving those articles alone. They just foster bad feeling and fill the head with assumptions rather than what truly leads to a better relationship. The better course is always to ask the child what their idea of a better relationship would be and then discuss whether that suits you. All too often we hear that an adult child laid out boundaries and the parent chose not to respect them. In that case, who truly ended the relationship by making a choice?

The NYT today has a column on the tendency of today's young adults to blame their parents unfairly. I read it, sadly nodding. I am not truly estranged, but I certainly do not have the relationship I had hoped for. *I joined for the same reason. For support and fun. Haven't found much of either. But it's interesting. Welcome!

It's so hard DL but for us, we only began to let go when we looked at our estrangement as permanent. It wasn't a question of 'leaving the door open' or closing it but accepting that our son would no longer be in our lives and neither would our GC.

Pinkpeony1

Thanks all
Sorry could not actually face looking at this yesterday _ guess that shows how badly its affected me and how this subject of estrangement can make you feel alone
Thanks for all the advice _ i have tried some couselling but although it probably is helpful for some
I know I need to let go although its been absolutely no contact for a while its pretty much been limited contact and not welcome since day 1 so over 2 years

Smile less ( bless you ) and some others x I think you really got my situation sorry as probably from your own experiences. but waiting, hoping , praying everyday for 2 years for a miracle is what has broken me
I will leave the door open and still send presents on birthdays, Christmas etc but realistically expect nothing and then up to them if they want to reconnect

Joining here for me was a big step as I am think its finally acceptance so thanks for having me
I have read a lot on types of therapy and for me believe the theory of acceptance and letting go is right as my emotional pain was literally drowning me from doing anything else
It's not easy and I don't know if I can do it but my instincts tell me to try
Knowing i am not alone in this is helpful, thank you all.

Some estrangements, not all, will be permanent, so I think (as with bereavement) you need to accept how it is, stop fighting it, and just make the best of your life. 💐

Only a fool would pretend it’s easy - it’s not - but one day at a time does eventually heal things.

Life can sometimes be a real battle - not everyone wants or needs counselling. We all find our own way. 😉

Best wishes 💐

Thank you Hydrangea it's always good to know that someone's been helped by this forum .

I have contributed to the other thread created which is a pure discussion and more suitable.

I’m so sorry @Pinkpeony1 you came here for support on your situation and it turns into a whole page of bickering.

Can we just agree on a baseline understanding that continuing to send unwanted contact is wrong? No matter how good your intentions are.

Even if you're their parent, their kid, or the pope themself.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

" because you're projecting your understandable pain and anger onto EP's on this forum"

This is a minimization of my argument, a strawman if you will.

I'm not simply projecting my lived experience onto strangers.

I'm witnessing (and calling out) the same, unique mindsets as those who have abused me before. It doesn't necessarily make you abusive (and I never explicitly said you're abusive), but thanks to my lived experience, I know for a fact that it's not a healthy or functional way to think or go about life.

Threads often continue when the OP has stopped posting fancythat. It is a shame though when someone like Pinkpeony, who is clearly struggling to come to terms with her estrangement, may well have been put off because of some of the responses here.

They may be in response to others and not her directly, but unnecessary unpleasantness and negative generalisations about EP's do often deter a new poster from coming back.

Occasionally an OP will try to dictate what can and cannot be said, and who can and cannot join in the conversation because they started the thread. That's when you'll see a post telling the OP that they 'don't own a thread'.

Your posts are critical and extremely unkind BoopBeep, because you're projecting your understandable pain and anger onto EP's on this forum, but not all EP's are abusive and it would be beneficial if you took that on board.

fancythat

BoopBeep

I believe the polarizing disconnect comes from opposite values that stem from generational divides.

I seem to value individuality, while others seem to value familial obligations more.

Both may seem valid on first glance, but I firmly believe that familial obligations had their time and place (when life was much harsher and family was critical for survival), but now that we can afford to, we should all be prioritizing individual freedoms over familial obligations (where you must stay with thy mother and father. No matter what, except for if they murder you; your only ticket to freedom from them).

Would you mind if I started a new thread with this post as the start of it?

Nothing to do with Pinkpeony1

I just think the post has some ideas that others as well as myself may like to contribute to.
Starting it in Chat or somewhere.

I do not mind.

BoopBeep

I believe the polarizing disconnect comes from opposite values that stem from generational divides.

I seem to value individuality, while others seem to value familial obligations more.

Both may seem valid on first glance, but I firmly believe that familial obligations had their time and place (when life was much harsher and family was critical for survival), but now that we can afford to, we should all be prioritizing individual freedoms over familial obligations (where you must stay with thy mother and father. No matter what, except for if they murder you; your only ticket to freedom from them).

Would you mind if I started a new thread with this post as the start of it?

Nothing to do with Pinkpeony1

I just think the post has some ideas that others as well as myself may like to contribute to.
Starting it in Chat or somewhere.

Anecdotally speaking, on this forum alone.

How many stories of reconciliation occur because the estranged parent continued sending contact, despite the estrangee's wishes?

&

How many stories of reconciliation occur when the parent swallowed their ego, ate some humble pie and genuinely listened to what their children were saying?

Just a thought.

Well the OP mentioned sending unwanted contact.

Some realize how detrimental it would be (to both her & and the harassed child), while some think it's not detrimental and it's simply what they "need to do for themselves".

The OP has stopped posting recently, but unless they explicitly say they've stopped posting, than you can assume they may come back to post at any time.

I sometimes hear, on GN threads in general, "it is the op's thread", and others write "an op does not own a thread".