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Yes you're right, she did Luminance.

No it wasn't a mistake*BoopBeep*, it was something we needed to do for us.

The dysfunctional behaviour in our situation came from our ES who estranged his loving and caring parents, who he'd had a very close relationship with for 27 years until he married and within 2 years of that marriage, had a child.

"We sent cards to our estranged GC on birthdays and at Christmas for approximately 8 years until we no longer felt the need to do so, but not presents."

I'm curious Smiless, if you're capable of admitting that it was a mistake to send cards after they explicitly asked for no contact, given that it accomplished nothing but disrespect.

You don't seem to say anything against it, just that it's something you did (implicitly normalizing this dysfunctional behavior).

Pinkpeony said they were leaving the door open Smileless2012 by sending cards etc so I offered a different way of doing that without sending further contact afterwards and getting no reply.

Pinkpeony has posted that she believes she needs to accept how things are and let go so mediation (I think that's what you meant Luminance) and joint counselling would not be what's needed in this situation.

I do think that forgiveness is possible regardless of the situation. Instead of reaching out with gestures that might spoil loved ones milestone events when they aren't wanted, perhaps offer some meditation or joint counselling where you are willing to discuss what has gone wrong in the relationship and how to fix it for the future?

The definition of therapy and specifically talking therapy is for the treatment of emotional and mental problems such as stress, anxiety and depression.

I agree BoopBeep that therapy isn't limited to a counselling session, but it was that form of therapy which was being discussed and that form which isn't for everyone.

Please look up the definition of the word "therapy" and/or reread my post detailing how therapy isn't necessarily limited to a therapist/councelor.

Therapy - treatment intended to relieve or heal a disorder.

So lets use that definition in your sentence.

"As has been said treatment intended to relieve or heal a disorder isn't for everyone".

I personally don't think that's how one should strive to live, but that is just my opinion.

I know my estranged mother values being never wrong more than fixing her estrangement with me, so you are right that treating a disorder isn't for everyone. At least in my family.

I wont say it's a pleasure to have you here Pinkpeony because it's always sad to know that someone else is living with the pain of estrangement, but I am pleased that you've found us because it does take courage to take that first step and share your experience so well done .

We sent cards to our estranged GC on birthdays and at Christmas for approximately 8 years until we no longer felt the need to do so, but not presents.

I disagree BoopBeep that success with therapy hinges on ^an individual's willingness to change^; for me that's victim blaming and a sweeping generalisation that's not helpful.

As has been said therapy isn't for everyone, and sometimes with estrangement situations successful therapy enables the patient to 'let go' and move on with their lives.

It's about doing what helps you, and what helps you this week may not help you next and my experience is that you instinctively know if and when change is needed.

From the perspective of an estranged child, receiving unwanted gifts would only serve as a very strong reaffirmation to remain no contact. It would only serve as a reminder that my feelings aren't understood, and that my words aren't respected.

My estranged parent did unimaginable things to me and honestly belongs in jail (if anyone ever witnessed what happened behind the closed doors of my home).

And even after all she has done, I would still be willing to forgive her and welcome her back into my life just as long as she showed genuine understanding (of the huge impact she had on me) along with remorse for her mistakes.

But instead all I got was denial followed by gifts and cards saying how much she "loves & misses" me, and I know that's all I ever will get. So permanently estranged without any parents I shall remain.

"and still send presents on birthdays, Christmas etc"

I know you're coming from a good place in your heart by sending them, but please understand that it's highly disrespectful since you're blatantly disregarding their wish for No Contact. Presents and such are contact, and the person would prefer to not receive them.

If I may make a suggestion. Get the gifts, but instead of sending them, store them in a secure place. So that if you ever did happen to reconnect, you can give them the gifts and still demonstrate that you have been thinking of them this entire time.

Thanks all
Sorry could not actually face looking at this yesterday _ guess that shows how badly its affected me and how this subject of estrangement can make you feel alone
Thanks for all the advice _ i have tried some couselling but although it probably is helpful for some
I know I need to let go although its been absolutely no contact for a while its pretty much been limited contact and not welcome since day 1 so over 2 years

Smile less ( bless you ) and some others x I think you really got my situation sorry as probably from your own experiences. but waiting, hoping , praying everyday for 2 years for a miracle is what has broken me
I will leave the door open and still send presents on birthdays, Christmas etc but realistically expect nothing and then up to them if they want to reconnect

Joining here for me was a big step as I am think its finally acceptance so thanks for having me
I have read a lot on types of therapy and for me believe the theory of acceptance and letting go is right as my emotional pain was literally drowning me from doing anything else
It's not easy and I don't know if I can do it but my instincts tell me to try
Knowing i am not alone in this is helpful, thank you all.

I would like to mention that therapy doesn't require a therapist or a councilor. It can come in many forms, such as a helpful book, a clarifying moment of introspection/self-reflection, or just having a genuine heart to heart with friends/family.

And that the effectiveness of therapy will primarily hinge on an individual's willingness to change. You can have a master guru therapist as your councilor/therapist, with all the best therapeutical resources and technology, and still get absolutely nowhere if the person think there's no problem (on their end).

Hi and welcome 💐

Counselling is very individual - it works for some, not for others. You need to find out what works for you.

Two years ago, I was caught in a maelstrom of estrangements with people - although not my adult birth children.

Then my husband suddenly died, and my world came crashing down.

From one previous experience, I knew counselling wasn’t for me, nor was any medication.

So, I did it in other ways - and it was all very difficult.

But, two years on, the despair has gone and I’ve found my light and laughter again with other things.

So, if you think counselling might help, then try it. If it doesn’t work, then, like many others on here, you’ll see your way out of the stress eventually, however you do it.

Best wishes 💐

Jaffacake, nhs therapy is difficult to get and waiting lists are long.
Some charities have therapists/counsellors available. Victim Support, NSPCC, Bernardo etc but they tend to focus on recovery from abuse.

Google or other search engines will help find councillors/psychotherapists in your area. Make sure of qualifications and experience. Check out reviews from people who used their services. Minimum British Association Counselling qualification. As with everything, there are some good therapists and some not so good. Good therapy isn’t about rehashing or picking at a scab. It isn’t for everybody but can be very helpful.

Can I just ask those who have found therapy to help how do you find a suitable counsellor ?

Pinkpeony1 This site is very much like going for therapy as others who have experienced what you are going through will be along to support you. Some who had a negative experience with counselling may try to dissuade you from going down that route, but I found it very positive. She also taught me ways of coping with panic attacks as a result of the anxiety which invariable accompanies relationship breakdowns.

I wish you well in your search for answers and peace. Take care of yourself, it can be a rough journey.

I was actually one of those individuals I described, so I'm also speaking from personal experience. But I realized my mistakes and corrected course fairly young, so it may be impossible (or even pointless) to change for those who are older and have been wrong much much longer than I have.

Luminance

I actually do counselling at times, I promise you it can be helpful and many people get a lot out of it. I suppose you must have tried it Allsorts? What did you not like?

She told you already what she doesnt like about therapy, it's "like picking at a scab".

I'm sorry if the shoe doesn't fit, but from my (anecdotal) life experience, those who have shared similar views about therapy have felt that way because they were too emotionally stunted to get anything useful from therapy.

To them, therapy is just a painful reminder or reaffirmation that they were wrong. They lack the maturity to go one step further, taking accountability for their wrong behavior.

Pinkpeony1 welcome. There are a lot of lovely people here and I am sure you will be made to feel accepted.

I actually do counselling at times, I promise you it can be helpful and many people get a lot out of it. I suppose you must have tried it Allsorts? What did you not like?

Word at end changed as I pressed send, should be, and know things do get better.

Welcome PinkPeony, I am somsorry you are struggling, it takes sonmuch time to draw a line and affects their peopIe in your lure. It was only when I stopped trying that I could really be myself again. Coming on here with others that truly undersrand is a tremendous help, I doubted myself and re ran every thing I might have done and how might I fix it. ,I am not a fan of counselling, talking and rehashing everything is like picking a scab. In America I believe some see a Therapist all their lives. Occasionally we get a sad individual that trolls they eventually go and are recognised quite quickly. So join us and know things forget better.

Not my daughter to make my post clearer.

Aw.
I have no direct experience but I do know someone[the duaghter if that makes any difference] who had to let go of her dad, for her own well being.
She had tried for years to have a "normal" relationship with him.
He does let her see him, well i wont go into details, but a pitiful amount of time and contact, per year.
She realised that was the best she could hope/get, and has made peace with that.