How can I make it stop?

The only contact seems to be gifts sent. They are not turning up, ringing you or harassing. You estranged them, they obviously still love you, I don’t see why this bothers you, you are free, to live where you want, do what you want. You could just not a acknowledge gifts and give them to charity, tell them once more that is what you intend to do in future. However it is not taking more than five minutes to do that a few times a year, It is not something I could do however unless you were abused.

I've been there, I couldn't stop things coming so I changed my response to it, sometimes the only thing you can change is your response.

If the sight of the envelope or anticipation of its arrival makes your stomach churn then it's not so easy as some people think to "just" bin stuff!

If you are made to worry about it and revisit the trauma it's very unkind and very sad too.

Every time you respond that these things are unwanted, you let them know they got to you, they hurt you on your birthday or Christmas or another occasion that should be happy.

They also hurt themselves by doing this, sending something unwanted, getting told not to send anything.

The only thing you can change, is your response. It should be none at all. No acknowledgement.

Imagine they are double glazing leaflets, don't even open them, straight to the bin. No response.

Anything you send to them will just become ammunition or a way to get attention. I'm assuming you estranged them for good reason so you know their minds do not work the same way yours does and decency and respect of your wishes or horror at how they make you feel will never be forthcoming.

Bin them, move on with your day, it will get easier in time.

I agree.

Yes it is lafergar.

I'll get it in the neck but this is terribly sad isn't it?

No matter what, wishing for someone's death is wrong.

Should they die, WittsEnd, I doubt that you would find peace.

IMO there's no comparison between an ex friend or partner and an EP but I agree that the OP shouldn't have to worry about being sent cards and gifts she doesn't want to receive.

Jaffacake2 would you say the same if it were an ex friend? An ex partner?

OP shouldn’t have to worry about unwanted mail and parcels. Easy to bin or not.

Summerlove

*Each birthday is the memory of her birth and the childhood celebrations. You send a card knowing that it will be binned but it gives you a moment of peace not expecting a reconciliation but something to ease your own pain.*
Is it harassment ? Or is it the actions of a grieving mum ?

For whatever reason, OP Has chosen to distance themselves from their parents. Why on earth is it now their burden to carry the grief of their parent by accepting that cards and gifts will be sent?

No contact has been asked for. The parents should respect that.

I was not saying that anyone should carry the grief of their parents. The op asked for honest views to understand what is going on in her parents heads. I was putting forward a possible explanation why they continue to send cards. Again it seems no great hardship to bin them.

You are wrong Luckygirl

In the UK we have the "Protection from Harassment Act". It came in when I was working in refuge - so the 1990s. In the act, harassment is defined as a "course of conduct" (so that means more than once) it must cause another person "alarm or distress". It could be anything really.

abusive or racist messages or inciting violence are different altogether.

I know that WittsEnd doesn't want to go that path but it IS harassment.

An ex-partner leaving flowers on someone's car when told to desist can be harassment because of the way it makes the other person feel.

I know you aren't coming back to comment WittsEnd but I really hope you find a solution that eases this for you.

An idea would be, as you have told them not to send but they want to do something, could you contact them as you did to request no cards and ask them to send something to charity in your name? Like "send a cow" or whatever, but specifying that you are not to be copied in or informed of the gift.
Then you would not have to be upset by their gift arriving, but they would have a substitute gesture to make.
This would work providing it's just them not able to ignore your birthday, & not them in denial of the no-contact.

What have posts about EAC painting all EP's the same have to do with my post User?

I am responding directly to the OP and what they have posted. I truly believe that anyone who believes that the death of their estranged parents is preferable to receiving unwanted cards and gifts, has issues much deeper than no longer receiving them would solve.

If you want to criticise me then put in quotation marks what I did say, and don't twist it in order to suite your agenda. You're so obvious User, you re post my post but still attempt to attribute to me, something I haven't said by putting your words in quotation marks. If it wasn't so ridiculous it would be laughable.

It's just each occurrence is a very painful reminder that I didn't get the parents I deserve.

I am afraid, if true, that is a fact of life.
We just dont have a choice which family we are born into, no matter how much we want to have had.
But of course, I am not living your life.

WittsEnd

I think there's a world of difference between being denied what you're owed and not getting what you want.

I dont understand what you mean.

I am glad you started this post.
Not that I have any direct involvement on this subject.

I think on this topic on this forum, we often get the point of view of the parent, but not so much of the child.

I also do know in life that either party, about anything, can misunderstand or misconstrue the reasons and thoughts of the other person.

So person A[whether parent or child[amd this can be true of other situations in life as well]], can assume person B has done something or other for 1 reason, when actually there was a different intention or reason.
And vice versa of course.

Smileless2012

If you really believe that telling them that each time they send something only makes (your) wish for their death stronger is an appropriate response, this says to me that your issues aren't just because you receive unwanted cards and gifts WittsEnd, and I wonder if them stopping will be all you need to be able to move on with your own life.

You’ve made a few posts about how estranged children paint all parents the same. But here you are — hearing a specific, painful situation and jumping straight to:

“You must have deeper issues.”

“Will this really help you move on?”

That’s not compassion. That’s projection and policing their tone. You want to be seen as different from the bad parents who caused deep pain, but you're not acting any different. You're just repackaging the same dismissiveness in softer language.

You don’t have to like how they feel. But at least be honest about what you’re doing: generalizing, invalidating, and moralizing. Just like you how you love to claim estranged kids do to you.

Each birthday is the memory of her birth and the childhood celebrations. You send a card knowing that it will be binned but it gives you a moment of peace not expecting a reconciliation but something to ease your own pain.
Is it harassment ? Or is it the actions of a grieving mum ?

For whatever reason, OP Has chosen to distance themselves from their parents. Why on earth is it now their burden to carry the grief of their parent by accepting that cards and gifts will be sent?

No contact has been asked for. The parents should respect that.

Harassment will not wash legally as they are not sending abusive or racist messages or inciting violence. There is no way the law can stop someone sending an unwanted card or gift.

I am sorry you think people here do not grasp your distress - I am sure we do. What is being said is that unfortunately there is nothing to be done about it.

First of all, sorry you are in this situation

I have been there and it does a number in your mental health. My parents stopped after a decade or so but they keep reappearing once in a while

The catch is, it depends on what kind of people they are.

If they thrive on attention, sending the authorities on them will give them a feast and will make them the victims of the year.
Alternatively, you could engage a lawyer and send a c&d (I am in the US)
The lawyer deals with all the drama and you stay out

If your parents fear authority, this may work

Sorry there is no straight answer.
Usually, giving them no attention works amd they get tired of it eventually but I can see how it is torture on your end, OP

You are not alone. You have plenty of us supporting you

If you really believe that telling them that each time they send something only makes (your) wish for their death stronger is an appropriate response, this says to me that your issues aren't just because you receive unwanted cards and gifts WittsEnd, and I wonder if them stopping will be all you need to be able to move on with your own life.

eazybee

You have made a decision to estrange yourself and stuck to it, but that doesn't dissolve a relationship. I cannot understand why you resent the gifts and cards so much as you dispose of them immediately.

However much you resent it they are your parents and you are their child, and honestly it is rather unpleasant to see you state you wish they were dead.

I totally understand how the OP feels. Just because a pair of people create a baby doesn't always give them the right to be called "parents". Years of pain physical or emotional pain or total emotional neglect can force many AC into this place where they wish their parents dead and hopefully find peace. It's certainly not a nice feeling but in my particularly position I've had 64 years of hell and I'm hoping her death will bring some relief. I'm presuming the OP feels the same
People who have loving caring parents have no idea

Ya I thought this problem would be out of this forum's scope of expertise.

Thank you for the advice, I genuinely appreciate it.

I think I will try telling them that each time they send something only makes my wish for their death stronger. I thought telling them how painful and unwanted their contact would be enough (it certainly would be enough for me to stop).

If that doesn't work, I will have to begin seeking alternative methods to get them to stop.....

"Our childhood was horrendous but somehow we didn't cut him off as we grew older."

I'm curious where you would draw the line. Do the parents literally have to murder their child for it to finally be acceptable to go no contact?

This is my last post. I wish everyone well.

I think many of us feeling that we didn't get the parents we 'deserved'. Our parents are our parents. There's nothing we can do about it. My father was something of a monster. Our childhood was horrendous but somehow we didn't cut him off as we grew older. We actually looked after him. I'll never understand why. I hope you resolve your problem.

All pain is valid. Even those who have hurt you do not deserve to be in pain. Forgiveness can give you peace of mind whilst bitterness will affect your emotional well being.
You are clearly very angry and upset at being sent cards and presents. Let it go and move on. .