How can I make it stop?

You have made a decision to estrange yourself and stuck to it, but that doesn't dissolve a relationship. I cannot understand why you resent the gifts and cards so much as you dispose of them immediately.

However much you resent it they are your parents and you are their child, and honestly it is rather unpleasant to see you state you wish they were dead.

I think there's a world of difference between being denied what you're owed and not getting what you want.

I forgot to mention in my original post, but I'm now completely ignoring everything they send.

First I tried asking. Then returning them unopened. Now it's been multiple years of ignoring them, and there's still no end in sight for their harassment.

"But don't imagine their is less real to them."

But is their pain valid...

Elowen33

I would return the items unopened without saying anything.

Agreed

"It's just each occurrence is a very painful reminder that I didn't get the parents I deserve.

So I don't think our pain is comparable."

Your pain is totally real. But don't imagine their is less real to them.

The lifelong pain of a lost child ( by any means for any reason) is unimaginable, until you've BTDT.

I would return the items unopened without saying anything.

Everyone, thanks for the advice but I can't rely on the police to end this matter for multiple reasons that I feel aren't important to my problem.

Of course I can throw away what she sends and donate what she gifts.

It's just each occurrence is a very painful reminder that I didn't get the parents I deserve.

So I don't think our pain is comparable.

I never thought it could come to this, and I always considered myself a good child and person overall but their continued harassment is honestly making me wish my parents were dead.

I'd lay bets that the annual contacts come from just one of your parents who can't accept the zero contact decision of both you, and their spouse. I think the card/gift persistence is just a way of saying , " You will always be my child, I can never forget."

From your POV; you surely recognise the postmark /handwriting so you could just to sling both in the bin unopened. All gone. Not that easy?

Clearly, you do still feel the pain too. Don't blame the sender for feeling the same painful shackles.

Every life contains some past tough shit that will always remain "unfinished business".

The woman who gave birth to me continued to send messages cards and enclosed cheques, obviously I recognised her handwriting, so I immediately ripped unopened card in 2 and placed in dustbin, she stopped eventually.

About 2 years ago following a spate of vicious posts on Facebook (other family members "kindly" thought I needed to know about "), I wrote to my nephew and made it quite clear I wanted no contact with her, didn't want to know about her recent cancer diagnosis (probably made up), didn't want to know if her health deteriotes, don't want to hear when she's dying, don't want funeral details, don't want to be included in her will, if i am left anything it will be given to charity.

Thankfully I've been left in peace since

Sadgrandma
What she said was getting the law involved is the last thing I want.

I took this to mean going to lawyers.
A warning from the police is often enough.

And to be honest, she has tried everything else.

Someone once wrote on the support forum that estrangement from your child is a living bereavement. You know that the relationship has changed for whatever reason and that the child you nurtured throughout their life has decided to leave you. The pain in your heart is there every day. Flashes of happier times evade sleepless nights and the constant self recrimination of wondering what did you do wrong. Each birthday is the memory of her birth and the childhood celebrations. You send a card knowing that it will be binned but it gives you a moment of peace not expecting a reconciliation but something to ease your own pain.
Put the cards in the bin, take the gifts unopened to a charity shop. Is it harassment ? Or is it the actions of a grieving mum ?
If there was emotional and physical abuse of neglect from your parents then this is different and I can see why you would feel angry at emotional manipulation.

Your use of language, makes me think you’re in the USA?
I think a Civil Harassment Restraining Order is the way to tackle things, if all else has failed.

Involve the Police

NotSpaghetti
I’m sure that you will appreciate that I was referring to to sexual or physical abuse as
WittsEnd made it quite clear that she doesn’t want to invoke the Police over the harassment.

What an awful situation all round.

Your parents appear “obsessed” and I can only agree with other posters that if it doesn’t stop then seek legal assistance.

As I said on another thread, I did see the point of view of the person receiving the gifts/cards etc.

My opinion, for what it is worth, I agree with others about the harassment angle.

Other than that, I think personally, I would have to come to a time of acceptance about it.
You will know when it is going to happen.
Decide in advance what you will do and think when they come.

Sadgrandma
Harassment actually IS abuse.

If the reason for your estrangement is previous abuse, then you should certainly involve the police and take out an harassment order against them. If not then I don’t think there is much you can do as they are obviously desperate to reconcile with you. Do you have someone who could speak to them on your behalf, maybe it would be better coming from a different person. I know if, God forbid, this ever happened between my daughter and me, I would move heaven and earth to reconcile with her. However, as you obviously do not want this, as someone else said, just bin the cards, take the gifts to a charity shop, block their number and try to get on with your life. Also, if you are in the UK, perhaps contact Relate who should be able to help you. Best wishes.

No worries NotSpaghetti it might help the OP if a few of us are of the same opinion.

Apologies, crossed post Smileless - I am very slow!

You may have to go the police route.

Tell your parents that you consider their repeated contact harassment and that you are reporting it to the police.

Then tell the police exactly what you've told us, and that you have told them it's harassment. Tell the police what you've done and tell them how distressing it is.
Ask them to log it as an incident as you have previously told them not to do this. Crucially this time you have told them you consider it harassment. You have clearly told them that if they contact you in any way with cards/gifts you will go back to the police.
Keep the incident details.

If they send anything else go back to the police and ask that they follow it up.
This method can successful for abusive and persistent ex partners who are not wanting to be involved in the police system.
I think it will stop them because it will have consequences.

This is not coming from someone in your position (or your parents') but it does work with obsessed ex husbands/partners who don't want police involved.

You cannot stop them sending cards and gifts.
If my child estranged themselves from me I am sure I would find it hard not to do this.
I am sure you gave good reason for the estrangement, but just recycle the cards without opening them and put the gifts in a raffle or charity shop.

Hello Wittsend and welcome to the estrangement forum.

I understand your not wanting to involve the law but as they continue to ignore your decision for absolutely no contact, which of course includes cards and gifts, I'm afraid you don't seem to have any alternative.

I suggest that you write to them and tell them that this is harassment and if they send you anything else you will be contacting the police and keep a copy of this letter.

My only other suggestion if you haven't done so already, is to put their address on the envelopes and parcels and return to sender which just might make them stop.

It looks as if your parents are simply unable to accept the estrangement, possibly believing that if they keep doing this you'll change your mind when in reality they're just pushing you further away.

They need to accept that the relationship is over so they can let go and move on with their lives so that you can move on with yours.

Although we never sent our son anything once he'd estranged us, we did for several years send our only GC cards for their birthdays and Christmas until we no longer felt the need to do so.

At no time did he tell us or ask his brother to tell us not too and if he had, I like to think we'd have stopped.