Feel Like Im Losing My Daughter

Cabbie21

You don’t say how old she is.
Whilst parents don’t grow out of loving their children, as children become adults they grow out of being closely dependent on their parents. I wonder if this didn’t happen earlier and she now feels the need to become her own person and spread her wings?

I agree. Sounds as if you were too close too long and she began to realise that. 2 quotes i remember -
If you love them.you let them.go.
You children at some point reject you and then take you back.on their own terms.

Daisy I've just read half of the first page, shame the first one was so negative. There are estranging AC on these pages, so of course they will be agreeing with what your DD has done.

I agree with flappergirl that some bad therapist implant false memories into their clients, why they would do such a bad thing is beyond me!

As for being close to your AC, I am very close with my other DD, we speak on the phone most days, go out for lunch and to the theatre, just us 2. If going to the same celebration, we go together, my DD&GC come for dinner every week, always celebrate; Xmas, Easter, Birthdays together. I'm very close to my AS, but then he does live with me.

Daisy so sorry to read your post my heart goes out to you . It's nothing that you have done, all these therapists should be sacked, same with the advisers on 'mumsnet' & reddit' I've never been on these sites but been told that they urge estrangement!

I was speaking to my ex-sis.i.l a few weeks back and actually said, refering to my estranged daughter I'm not mourning any more, so wouldn't reacted like that now. When I thought back on that conversation I was surprised I'd said that, but it was true.

I haven't read any posts yet but I'm sure you have been invited to join our estrangement page, which gives help, advise and support.

Unfortunately, as all us estrangees know, there seems nothing you can do about it, it has to come from her. Hope she packs in seeing this quack therapist and then maybe you'll get your daughter back. Best of luck xx

In my experience, counsellors are not worth the money unless your sole requirement is a trustworthy confidante.

Psychotherapists who are fully qualified graduates are more expensive but do more for you , if you can afford the price. The psychotherapist actually advises you, whereas the counsellor tries to help you to make decisions.

AnnyB you are in fact a needy old woman. Needy old women are the norm in our society where youth is held to be better than age. There is no shame in being needy, or old, or a woman. You are normal.

What to do about this, is enjoy what you can enjoy, Accept what you cannot change.

I quote Smilleess because it is effective , detailed, and immediate advice.

"Keep conversations light; tell her what you've been doing and ask her what she's been up too. Don't mention the therapy, even to ask how it's going so she wont feel under any pressure to talk about it."

Thank you Allsorts.. my heart is broken and I'm struggling to cope with myself and my damn feelings.. to think I used to think raising my girls alone was hard.. it was easy peasy compared to now..

Daisy
I think you may have been more involved in her personal life than is usual, in the past. Not just ordinary chats but also

breakfast out on Sundays, shopping trips, long phone calls at night.

I would have no time for anything much if one of my children took up this much time.
My feeling is that your daughter has realised how much time she has been spending with you and is trying to "normalise" this.

Unfortunately it will feel like being pushed away for a while - but as others have said it will likely level out in due course.
She knows you love her and you haven't had a falling out so that's good.

What did you spend your time doing when your daughter was at college etc?
Who else is in your life?

Annyb, I agree with Babs post. I think your d 's are wrapped up in their very busy lives and that you have coped so long without your husband they just don't realise how hard it is for you and how much a bit of TLC would be,. You did a brilliant job raising them to be happy independant women.
Myheartisbroken, good advice given to you, for all of us really, we just have to accept our children's decisions, I like others have accepted one of our chikdren estranging us, it took me so long to accept she didn't care I was heartbroken for ages, it was only when I did accept that I was me again.
We all do our best I think, make a few mistakes, who doesn't, then we are on our own, it's been too long now for me and I don't know her but many do reconnect when their children's lives on on track.

Thank you Babs..I don't know how to post my own thread however what you have said is great advice and thank you for "listening"

Hi, good to hear from you Annyb, you can actually post your own thread on this and so get more responses but will reply to you here.
We all have busy adult children and take this into consideration, your oldest has three children which is a handful and the youngest has a toddler and another on the way. But I totally get how you are feeling right now. Is quite normal to feel sidelined or forgotten at times, and it sounds like you have had a hard life and so probably would like a little TLC every so often.
Would try really hard to keep as busy as you can with the health problems you have, will not make suggestions as to how you should keep busy, sometimes the cure-all suggestion to ‘join a group’ isn’t as helpful as it sounds. But think of interests that don’t require you to be physically fit, make a list of what you like to do and tick things off as you do them.
Am not sure how close your adult children live to you but why not suggest meeting up in a nearby park if there is one or ask if one of them could take you to one near them so that you could all have a picnic before school resumes, say you will make some goodies and ask them to just bring sandwiches and crisps etc., and let them decide upon a time that suits them.
Sorry you are feeling this way 😞

Hello everybody, 👋 I'm new here and joined because I'm experiencing a difficult time right now..
Some background: i have 2 adult daughters, one is 42 and one is 37.
They are both married and the eldest girl has 3 children 10, 7 and 4, and the youngest girl has a baby of almost 18 months and is expecting her 2nd baby new years day 2026..
They are very busy with their own lives and all that goes with it, but I miss them both so much.
Even writing this i can see it's wrong of me to expect much from them at this point in their lives..I think I'll just have to swallow it all.. as they simply don't have time or mental bandwidth for worrying about mum.
Myself, I'm 67, a widow since 1999 my girls were 10 and 15 when their dad passed away unexpectedly.
I'm also very restricted physically after 3 spine surgeries that weren't successful.. so it's me and my little dog.
What I'm asking but I think I've answered my own question, is how do I cope with very little contact with my busy girls? Do I just potter on by myself and ask nothing from them.. I think this will be what most people might say is the right thing to do.. but how do I cope with my own feelings..I honestly feel so sad, rejected and honestly sometimes a bit cross..I would love to still have a husband and mobility to press on with but I don't.
Am I just behaving like a needy old woman..
Please help me all advice will be appreciated.
Thank you in advance

I'm angry, really ...... Angry of course you're angry Myheartisbroken who wouldn't be in your shoes?

DL's post is spot on, your son is so focused on himself, on his life that he's oblivious to what he's doing to you and has probably lost sight of the wonderful supportive mum you are.

There may come a time when he remembers that if not for your love, support and acceptance he may not have been able to achieve what he has, and he'll come back into your life .

Myheartisbroken2

I’m not out for sympathy just to say this out loud ( even though it’s on my phone screen is a relief ) I’m angry , really ……. Angry , how can he be so selfish disregarding every feeling I have when I have held all of his feelings in the highest most important regard .

Unfortunately when adults have issues of their own causing them stress, as your son obviously has, with body identity etc, it can make them selfish, self obsessed and oblivious to the feelings of those that love them.

You might find, if he sorts his issues out, he’ll be a different person again - and you can reconnect.💐

@crazyH / absolutely acceptance is key 😊

Myheartisbroken - my grand-nephew has decided to start crossdressing - my sister-in-law has .no opinions - she has accepted and thinks it’s just a phase. He is in the USA, so I haven’t seen him recently.
Acceptance is the key.

I’m not out for sympathy just to say this out loud ( even though it’s on my phone screen is a relief ) I’m angry , really ……. Angry , how can he be so selfish disregarding every feeling I have when I have held all of his feelings in the highest most important regard .

Permanent lump of grief in my throat and have even thought of ending my own life . I feel powerless in grief , but I do know this his therapists he g he as had a long the way have definitely made things worse

To all of the heartbroken mums above therapists can very definitely make things worse in fact . My son had a lot of issues from school bullying to body dismorphia gender identity issues and finally coming out as trans , I embraced everything he wanted the pronouns , the surgery etc , did absolutely nothing everything within me to be loving and supportive and 100% behind him all the way .
Now I rarely hear from him , not even a happy new year text . I put my life on hold for a good 10 years to he help him on his journey to become a man . And now nothing ,doesn’t call , doesn’t ask me how I am , doesn’t care to be quite honest and I’m devastated swinging from anger to heartbreak every 5 minutes I gave a permanan

Perhaps she is merely growing up, sorting her own choices?

M0nica

You keep your children by letting them go.

As usual, Monica, you have hit the nail on the head.
I tried never to interfere or ‘guide’ my daughters once they were nearly grownup and we are still very close now they are in their fifties. I am included in their lives, (their choice), and I put it down to never expecting to be.
If you love them, let them go. If they love you, they’ll be back!

Although there are qualifications and monitoring bodies, and reputable professionals adhere to codes of contact, anyone can describe themselves as a " therapist" and take on " patients/ customers".

User138562

It sounds like she is becoming her own person. It's normal for the distance to grow when they start to get their own lives.

Therapists don't twist people's memories to make them something they are not. They don't plant false memories either. That's an excuse that started when abusive people were trying to discredit memories of actual trauma that were by actual victims. It's an experience that I've been through myself. Regardless, I don't think that's what's going on here.

I think you need to seek companionship and emotional closeness elsewhere. She will come back to you if you respect her wishes but I doubt the relationship will ever be like it was. She hasn't cut you off and it doesn't sound like there was a big blow up. It's just the natural change in things.

Honestly therapy would be a great idea for you too, but I can see you have a deep seated mistrust of therapists which isn't uncommon due to the false information spread about therapy. Of course there are bad actors but it is highly unlikely. She sought out therapy for a reason, and doesn't need a reason to be there planted in her brain by someone else.

Yeah, they do. I used to work in a Child Protection department and a lot of fake memory scenarios and dodgy counsellors came into play.

It’s a shame, but it happens.🤷‍♀️

You keep your children by letting them go.

Everything changes eventually. My youngest son was always close to me but as he’s moved out and eventually found a girlfriend I’ve taken a backseat. It does hurt but I’m happy for him because one day I’ll not be here and he has someone.